The Art of Conflict for HSPs: Finding Balance
Between Empathy and Boundaries

By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to find the balance between being empathetic and being true to yourself.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a certified facilitator of the work of Byron Katie.

In this episode, you’ll discover how to stay grounded in yourself even when someone won’t like what you’re going to say or do. And you’ll discover a stressful thought that can keep you hooked into pleasing the other person, and how to free yourself from the trap of being overly empathetic without hardening your heart.

This is an edition of Guided Meditation Mondays, where I’ll be guiding you to do the work of Byron Katie as you listen.

To start this meditation, think of a situation where you wanted or needed to tell someone something that you knew they were probably not going to like. Now, this situation could be something in the past where you actually did say it or wanted to say it and decided not to. Or it could be a situation you’re dealing with presently where you’re thinking about saying something, and you know they’re probably not going to like it.

That’s the situation. So take a second and find one for yourself.

I’m going to use a situation from a few months ago where I decided to take a course that would interfere with my partner and I playing pickleball together. We play pickleball a couple of times a week, and this course would interfere with that. I wouldn’t be able to participate for about a month. So yeah, that’s the situation. I know he’s not going to like it, or at least I don’t think he will, and I’m feeling this kind of stressful feeling.

So what’s the situation for you? It could be something light like that, or it could be something serious, like if you’re breaking up with somebody.

Once you have your situation—if you need more time, you can pause the recording until you have a situation—then we need to think about what the stressful thought is that we can question in this situation. There may be many stressful thoughts, but let’s think for a minute, what could be one that we could use here together to do the work of Byron Katie.

As I sit with the situation that I’m thinking about, and I know it applies to other times when I’ve wanted to say something to someone and I knew they wouldn’t like it, the thought that keeps coming up for me is: I need them to be okay with it.

Let’s take that thought and apply it to each of our situations. So as you’re listening, apply it to your situation. If that thought applies, then let’s question it together.

I need them to be okay with me saying what I’m going to say, which they’re probably not going to like. It sounds impossible, right? No wonder it’s stressful.

Let’s begin the process of questioning this thought. The first question is: Is it true? Is it true that you need them to be okay with what you’re going to say? Just answer yes or no. Sit with it for a minute and see what you find. Is it true you need them to be okay with it?

In this case, I’m going to say no, but it’s a close call. I almost want to say yes.

If your answer is yes, the next question is: Can you absolutely know it’s true that you need them to be okay with what you’re going to say? Yes or no?

Answer from your honest experience here. Let that honest part of you come up with its answer. Even if it’s yes, that’s okay—just be honest with yourself.

I need them to be okay with it. Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No matter what your answer is, let’s move on to question three of the work: How do you react? What happens when you’re thinking about saying something that someone may not like?

For myself, I immediately become nervous, almost shaky in my arms and torso, shoulders. How do you react? You need them to be okay with it.

I see future images of my partner not being okay with it—being angry, upset, or hurt. That stresses me and makes me not want to say what I’m going to say.

How else do you react when you think you need them to be okay with it?

I notice I start thinking of other things I can do. I try to avoid having the conversation.

How do you treat yourself when you think this thought?

I put myself second. I’ll talk about this and ask for what I want, but only if he’s going to be okay with it. So I treat myself like I’m not that important. Then I get angry at myself for that and feel sorry for myself afterward. I judge myself as weak.

This is a taste of how you might react, and there may be more that you can find.

Now let’s go to the next question, question four of the work: Who would you be without the thought that you need them to be okay with it?

You want to ask something, and they’re probably not going to like it. Who would you be without the thought that you need them to be okay with it?

It may take some awareness or imagination to even think this way, but imagine yourself, maybe a different version of yourself. Who would that version of you be without the thought I need them to be okay with it?

I notice a freedom coming in. There’s courage, there’s space. I’m more in touch with what moved me to say something in the first place. That’s who I am without the thought. It doesn’t mean I’m not empathetic. It just means I’m in my business, not theirs. There’s something important for me that I want to bring up, and I’m more able to engage with it, less afraid of it.

This question invites us to see who we would be without our story or thought. I notice an independence, and it feels good. It feels healthy.

Again, you can pause the recording and sit with this question. Who are you without the thought that you need them to be okay?

I even find more compassion for the other person. I can see it might be hard for them, but I’m still aware of myself. There’s independence.

This thought—I need them to be okay with it—makes me tense, nervous, and want to avoid the conversation. Without the thought, I just have the conversation. I say what I’d like to do, and I won’t be surprised if there’s some disappointment.

Seeing the effect of one thought on the internal experience is what we’ve done here. Let’s try turning that thought around: I need them to be okay with it. A turnaround would be: I don’t need them to be okay with it.

How can I be okay with what I’m going to say?

In my case, it was a clear desire. I wanted to take this course rather than play pickleball for that month. If I’m in touch with my genuine desire, then even if my partner isn’t 100% okay, I’m okay with it. There’s a level of integrity, and it feels right—actually more important than him being okay with it.

How about you? How do you need you to be okay with it? How is it more important that you are okay with it?

This shifts the balance back toward me. Before, I was blind to me and focusing on him. Everything depended on how he took it. But now it’s like, wait, what would I like? Now it’s the beginning of a conversation between two people, not just a one-sided relationship.

I don’t need them to be okay with it. How can this be true for you? Can you be okay even if the other person is not?

What’s the worst that could happen? They might get angry. But I know anger passes. I can even be understanding of that anger or disappointment because it’s understandable.

So, I don’t need them to be okay with it because it means they got the message. I’d rather they understand the message and be upset than miss the point and think nothing has changed. I don’t need them to be okay with it. In fact, I need them to not be okay with it—it shows they got the message.

In this episode, we looked at how to stay grounded in yourself, even when someone won’t like what you’re going to say or do. We found that it’s possible if you focus on both yourself and the other person.

We also questioned the stressful thought I need them to be okay with it—a thought that keeps us locked into pleasing others while ignoring ourselves.

Finally, we explored how to free yourself from being overly empathetic without hardening your heart. It’s possible to stay soft and compassionate while standing up for what matters to you.

Thank you for participating. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.