Social Proof vs. Inner Truth: A Meditation for
HSPs on “There’s Something Wrong with Me"

By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to unhook yourself from the judgments and reactions of others in social situations.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover how to shift your focus from what others are thinking to what you think, why you can’t make this shift rationally or intellectually, and how to lead yourself experientially, step by step, back home. This is an edition of Guided Meditation Mondays, where I’ll be guiding you to do the work of Byron Katie as you listen.

As highly sensitive people, we often clue in to the subtle social signals that people send. And as a result, we can sometimes be hurt by them. For that reason, it’s especially important to have a way of reinterpreting situations so that we can experience them in a less stressful way.

So let’s begin this meditation by thinking of a situation where someone gave some kind of disapproval or showed some kind of disinterest towards you. It could be very subtle, just an eye gesture or a body movement. Think of a specific time and a specific person—this will help you stay grounded as we do this work.

For example, I can think of a time when I got back in touch with a friend I hadn’t been in contact with for a long time. We emailed back and forth a little, but he never really showed much initiative to pick things up again or even to talk by phone. I took this personally, and it hurt a little. I kind of guarded my distance after that.

So think of a situation like that—someone dissed you or gave you a signal that they’re not that interested. See if you can find something specific with someone specific. It helps to find a specific person, place, and time.

Now we have to look at what is the thought going on in a situation like that. What is causing me stress? What am I thinking and believing? For me, the thought that comes up is: “There must be something wrong with me.”

There may be other thoughts that are similar for you, but let’s land on that one and see if you can identify where you’re feeling something similar. This person showed some disinterest, and on some level, there’s this feeling: “Oh, there must be something wrong with me.”

Let’s take that thought and go through the four questions of The Work together.

The first question is: Is it true? Is it true that there must be something wrong with you because of that signal of disinterest you saw in the other person? It’s just a yes or a no, so take your time and sit with it. Be as honest as you can. There’s no right answer here.

Is it true that there must be something wrong with you because of their disinterest?

Whether your answer is a yes or a no, it’s not important. If it’s a yes, then the next question is for you: Can you absolutely know it’s true? Can you absolutely know it’s true that there must be something wrong with you because this person showed some sort of disinterest?

And again, it’s a yes or a no. Be honest. Like, I can almost say no, but I really still feel like it’s true. I have to honor that and just say, “Yeah, I think there really is something wrong with me.” So I love landing on that honest answer, no matter what it is.

The next question is: How do you react? What happens in that situation?

For me, with that email exchange, what happens when I think, “There must be something wrong with me because this person is not showing that much interest”? What are the feelings that come in?

Maybe there’s sadness, kind of loneliness. How do you treat yourself? This is part of how you react. How do you treat yourself when you think, “There must be something wrong with me”?

I feel a kind of shame. I judge myself as not good enough, as if something’s wrong. My mind starts to get busy—what is that wrong thing? Can I fix it? I start getting into problem-solving. It’s busy, but also heavy. There’s a kind of hopelessness about it. “I’ll probably never figure it out. I haven’t yet.” So there’s a heaviness.

Part of the reaction is: What images do you see from the past? “There must be something wrong with me when someone shows disinterest.” I see images of how we used to get along so well, how much fun we used to have. Then, what happened? I see myself kind of abandoning him a long time ago, moving away, not staying in touch so well. So I feel shame again.

How about you? Someone gives that look of disapproval. Someone shows disinterest or even disgust. Your mind can go anywhere.

Notice images in the future as well—this is also part of the reaction. Does your mind get into a future story when you think, “There must be something wrong with me because this person is not showing interest”?

I just see myself alone, with very few friends, or feeling sidelined, and it’s all laced with sadness.

Let’s go to the fourth question of The Work, which is: Who would you be without the thought? In the same situation, with the same person doing the same thing, showing the same disinterest—who would you be without the thought, “There must be something wrong with me”?

Without that thought, I don’t sink down. It doesn’t feel so personal. I’m aware of how much I don’t know. I have no idea what’s been going on with this friend for so many years. I don’t know what his priorities are.

Who would you be with the same person turning away from you if you didn’t think there was something wrong with you?

It’s almost a kind of confidence that comes in. I’m more curious about what’s going on for him, and I’m more understanding of the distance that’s been there.

Really sit in this. Who are you? Be there, face to face with this person in your situation. What’s it like? What do you see when you look at that person without the thought, “There’s something wrong with me”? What could be going on for them?

This is a place of curiosity. It feels more open for me.

This shows you what a difference one thought can make in your internal experience. With the thought, “There must be something wrong with me,” it pulls me right down into a depressing place. Without that thought, I’m standing more confident, seeing with a more open mind, and exploring what could be going on for that person. I’m more understanding.

The point of looking at this is to see how one thought changes everything. I like to say that one drop of poison in the food ruins the whole food. One stressful thought, like this one, can make the whole emotional experience go down.

If this is the effect of this thought, let’s explore some opposites of the thought and see if they may be as true or truer. The original thought is: “There must be something wrong with me.” The turnaround: “There’s not necessarily anything wrong with me.”

Look in your situation—this person showed some disinterest or disapproval. How is it possible that there’s not necessarily anything wrong with you, even though they did that? Are there alternative explanations for their behavior, besides something wrong with you?

In my situation, he may just be really busy. He may have been busy with his life. I don’t know for sure, but it’s a possibility, and it has nothing to do with me.

What else could explain that there’s not necessarily anything wrong with you, even when the person shows disinterest?

My friend may have just moved on, has good friends, and isn’t looking for another friend or trying to get back to the kind of friendship we had. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like me. He just lives in a different place and wants to be around people he hangs out with. Maybe his interests have changed, and that’s natural. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with me.

I was doing a similar piece of work with someone recently, and she discovered that people might have a kind of prejudice against her being a quiet person. I’m kind of like that too. Sometimes, people misinterpret that, thinking I’m not interested or too shy. So they may have interpreted me as not interested and followed suit. This is a possible explanation. It’s not that there’s something wrong with me—my friend may not have fully seen me or understood.

How about you? How’s it possible there’s not necessarily something wrong with you when someone shows disinterest? What could be going on for them?

Maybe they’re having a bad day. Maybe they’ve reached their limit. Maybe they don’t mean much by it, but it comes out. For me, as a highly sensitive person, I pick up on the subtlest rejection. It may not be much of a rejection at all. In fact, I may be giving up too soon.

These are possibilities, and I encourage you to keep thinking of other possibilities that could help balance the story that there’s not necessarily anything wrong with you.

Another turnaround could be: “There must be something wrong with them.” Without blaming them, there could be some truth in that—they might be really stressed or lack the bandwidth for this communication. In other words, it’s not necessarily all about me. Just that possibility, without knowing specifics, can change the feeling when I think of someone. There could be a lot going on.

We could land on another turnaround: “There’s nothing wrong with anyone here.” We’re all human beings, doing the best we can to navigate this complex life. Communication is challenging. We live in different worlds, and how we manage to communicate at all is sometimes amazing. So, there’s nothing wrong with anybody.

Somebody may be having a reaction. Someone’s interest may be pulled in a different direction. Or, I may remind them of someone else, and they’re just seeing that on me. Nothing wrong with any of this—it’s what we humans do. For me, seeing this levels the playing field and makes it feel like we’re all on equal ground, and I’m not wrong. That’s what we’re trying to balance here.

The mind loves to attack quickly—“It’s me, I’m wrong, there’s something wrong.” But that’s not a balanced viewpoint. There may be other ways to look at the same situation that are less stressful.

In this episode, we looked at how to shift your focus from what others are thinking to what you think. That’s what these turnarounds and questions do. They bring our awareness back to our inner experience, like noticing how stressful it is to think “There must be something wrong with me” and how much less stressful it would be if I’m not thinking that. And the opposite—that there’s not necessarily anything wrong with me—opens the mind to experience something in a different way than what you assume others are thinking. This is thinking for yourself.

This kind of shifting brings a lot of peace—or even a little peace. Moving in this direction brings peace.

It’s also important to understand that you can’t make this shift rationally or intellectually. You can’t just say, “Oh yeah, there must be something wrong with me. Oh no, there’s nothing wrong with me,” and think your way through it. It’s too quick. The deeper part of you is still holding on, still believing that.

You have to give yourself time by going through these questions in a slow, meditative way. That will allow you to move from that original position to a new one. When you do that, you lead yourself—your experiential part—step by step back to your real home, which is a place of peace, clarity, and balance.