Letting Go of the Need to Win: Inner Work for Highly Sensitive People

By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to see beyond the need to win, even when it seems impossible to do. Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover what to do when you think owning your part means losing the argument, how to move beyond dependency on the other person to change, and how to see a bigger perspective than just winning or losing. Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays. You bring your questions and stressful situations, and I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of The Work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did.

I think maybe a month ago, I did The Work with you on something similar. I think you gave me some really good guidance last time. I now just feel like, God, I’m still stuck. I guess I could use that again because I just don’t feel any movement doing The Work. It’s a situation with my partner, my husband, and a conversation we had with our oldest son a few months ago. I started doing The Work yesterday, maybe early this morning on paper. 

The thought I have written down is, “If I do my work, he won’t see his part.” I know it’s an ‘if’ statement, so maybe it’s difficult to approach, but I’m just working with this resistance and fear that if I look at my part and own it, we’ll just leave it at that and move on. We’ll carry on, and there’s something in me that’s resistant and unwilling. I don’t know if you remember our last session, but I felt at the end that I could see my way through. Now, when I try to approach it, I’m still stuck.

Yeah, it just means the resistance still has roots, and we need to be patient. It may take as much time as it takes. The upshot of that session was there’s no need to rush it. There’s no need to push yourself into doing The Work ahead of when you’re ready. Of course, you can experiment—it might not be as big a resistance as you think. But there’s value in noticing the thoughts behind that resistance to owning your part. So, let’s explore this again.

Okay, does this statement work—“If I do my work, he won’t see his part”?

Yes, that’s a valid statement to question. Even though it’s an ‘if’ statement, it’s a piece of logic we can explore. If that’s where the stress is, we can trust it.

Alright. And I also see an underlying belief—“I need him to see his part.”

Let’s start there, since it seems foundational.

Yes, I think it is.

So, “You need him to see his part”—is that true?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No.

How do you react when you think that you need him to see his part?

I feel tight inside, tense all the way up my abdomen, chest, and neck. I feel braced, ready for a fight but defensive. I’m sure he’ll be unwilling to respond in the way I want. I see images from past conversations where he’s withdrawn, quiet, or unemotional. I feel stuck, desperate for things to be different but fearful they won’t be. It’s paralyzing.

Yes, you’re caught in this cycle. So, who would you be without the thought “I need him to see his part”?

Without that thought, I come at it differently. I’m curious about what I’m holding onto so tightly. I locate my discomfort within myself instead of projecting it onto him. It’s as if I notice, “Oh, I tied myself up here,” and now I just need to work through it. There’s no blame—it’s more like untangling a knot. He’s not even part of my mind then. I feel more autonomous, like I can handle my own emotional knots without needing him to validate me or “fix” the situation.

This shift is powerful. When you’re free of needing him to see his part, you can begin untying the knots within you, independent of him.

Yes, I feel that. It’s like I’m no longer waiting for him to “rescue” me. I can take care of myself. It’s liberating.

So, how would you turn the thought around—“I need him to see his part”?

“I need me to see my part.” It’s not even about the conversation with him but seeing my own resistance and what’s happening inside me.

Exactly. Why did you want him to see his part? What were you hoping for?

I wanted him to understand how hurt and disappointed I was. I wanted him to lean in and say, “I get it.” That would bring me relief.

And how can you give that to yourself? How can you see and understand your own hurt and disappointment?

I can feel the voice inside me that says, “Of course you feel this way, given everything you’ve been through.” There’s compassion in that acknowledgment.

Yes, it’s about witnessing your own experience without self-judgment.

That’s true. I often jump to self-criticism instead. But when I hold space for my pain, it shifts.

Beautiful. Another turnaround is “I need me to own his part.” How does that feel?

Surprisingly right. I know his fears and vulnerabilities, and I can own them as part of our shared dynamic. It’s about recognizing that we both have limitations and working with them rather than against them.

Exactly. It shifts from “me versus him” to “us.” You’re in this together.

Yes. That makes a big difference. I see now that I don’t need him to admit anything for me to find peace.

Great. The final turnaround is “I don’t need him to see his part.” Can you find truth in that?

Yes. I can do my own work, step away from needing to win, and find peace without him changing. That’s what I really want—to be free of the game of winning and losing.

That’s the key. Stepping out of the game allows you to find true peace.

In this episode, we explored what to do when owning your part feels like losing the argument. We found that questioning the thought “I need him to own his part” opens up a new perspective. Moving beyond dependency on another person to change lets you regain autonomy. Finally, we looked at how to see a bigger perspective beyond winning or losing, making space for true inner peace.

Thank you for listening. I look forward to more sessions and explorations with you. Have a wonderful rest of your day. If you haven’t already, go to the show notes and take the survey on the types of stresses highly sensitive people face. Your feedback helps shape future topics. As a thank you, you’ll get access to a three-day stress management training designed for HSPs.