How to Build a Deeper Connection With Your Partner as a Highly Sensitive Person

  By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to build a deeper connection with your partner without them doing anything.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover what causes a lack of connection with your partner, practical things you can do to help change your perspective about your partner, and practical things you can do to create more of the kind of relationship you would like. This is an edition of Strategy Fridays, where we think about specific things you can do to help you.

To help manage stress as a highly sensitive person. For us HSPs, connection is a big deal. We love to connect, and we love to connect deeply. And of all the people that we connect with, connecting with our partners is probably The most important or possibly the most important one, one that we certainly put a lot of weight on.

What causes a lack of connection with our partners? This is something that happens in pretty much all relationships at some point. Sometimes you’re closer, sometimes you’re less close, but what causes that lack of feeling of connection with a partner? Usually where we start is by blaming the lack of connection on the other person, on their, maybe their anger issues, or their control issues, or maybe they have some impatience, or they have different interests.

And they’re not overlapping anymore. Maybe there’s some lack of empathy. These are all things that we normally point to as the cause of a lack of connection. And they are certainly a factor. They certainly are a factor. It’s easy to be connected with someone when your interests align perfectly. It’s easy to stay connected with someone when they’re not angry or controlling or impatient.

This is a factor for sure, but it’s not the only factor. It’s really just a starting point. And it’s good to notice these things and to begin to work with these things, doing some inner work to hopefully find other ways of connecting even if they don’t actually change. The problem is, whatever your partner does, whatever they think, their mindset their whole personality, it’s not something you can control.

Yes, you can ask for what you want, and that is something that’s important to do. The person is an independent person and they’re going to do what is they’re naturally drawn to do. So if we can’t control these things and they’re not working for us, then we’ve got a problem. But what do we do? The first thing we normally do is go into a victim mode where it’s oh my god this is, I’m powerless, and this isn’t working, and, fight or flight.

We’re either gonna fight with them, or we’re gonna try to get out of there, and it’s, neither one of these is going to move towards an actual connection with someone that you would like to be connected with.

So what are some practical things we can do to help change our perspectives about our partner, so that we, without changing them, may be able to experience more connection? This is about the experience of connection. That’s what I’m interested in. That’s what lights me up. That’s what I want. And so how can I do that with someone, even if they’re a little angry, even if they’re a little lacking in in being empathetic or if they have very different interests than mine.

How’s it possible? What can I do to help change my own perspective? So that the experience changes for myself. That’s what we’re looking at. So how can we do that? One thing you can do is to look at your partner as a separate human being with his or her own issues and to see that their anger or their disregard or their they’re just going off in a different direction.

May not be as personal as it seems. And this is really helpful in my experience because I just assumed everybody thinks the way I do, even if I go back to my sisters, I grew up with two sisters and we get us together and we think the same way and in a lot of ways we’re awful, we’re also different, but when I think about my partner, like we’re from completely different backgrounds, actually two different countries different ages, even.

and different personalities. And so different family cultures, so many differences there. And so if I can see that as it is like, Oh, this is a separate human being. They have their own things and it’s not about me, then it’s going to be a lot less triggering. And I can find compassion. That’s where I start feeling connection.

I can feel connection to anyone. If I’m seeing it from. compassionate point of view. Also, a super important point, and this will come up in many different places here, is how to look for how do you contribute to the lack of connection. So what are you doing to exasperate this feeling of disconnection, to help foster it and maintain it?

What is your part? And this is humbling to see, but empowering to own. And so what are you doing? Where are you retreating and just not really participating, going along, but resenting or something like that? Where’s that emotional distance that you are holding? Or where are you attacking?

Where are you making it life hard for your partner? Where are you making them not feel safe? These are the things to look for because They always say it takes two to tango and if you can find these points where you’re contributing in some way, those are the very points that you can start addressing to start changing how you approach the relationship.

And I can guarantee in my experience that makes a huge difference in the actual relationship. When I first started doing the work of Byron Katie back in 2007, I thought that my partner was THE problem and in fact I was just looking for the courage to get out of the relationship. But as I started doing my work, I started seeing my part, and this was eye opening.

I never looked there before, I never assumed I had any part to play, I really saw myself as innocent and perfectly good, but I had a real part to play there. I was I was in many ways, not a good partner. I was not honest. I was not sharing. I was I was judging. I was rejecting. And that was at the core of why our relationship wasn’t good.

So as I have over the years continued to do the work on my judgments about my partner, what I found is that our relationship just keeps getting better and better. Now we’ve been together over 20 years. And I’m starting to actually see him as a friend. I’m starting to start to share things that are more vulnerable with him.

It’s starting to be something real. Whereas when I started, it was it was not in a good place. The eye opener for me was that huge percentage of that was me. And in case that makes you feel scared or self critical, keep this in mind. Anything that is you is something that you can do something with.

And so it’s very empowering to know what you’re doing and to be able to start trying other things to change that. Another factor, which is even deeper within this thing of what’s my part, is how am I connecting with myself? This is really the core of it all. If I’m not connecting with myself, if I’m not able to connect with myself, or if I’m not doing that in a fulfilling way, then how the heck am I supposed to connect with someone else?

And even if the other person wants to connect, how am I supposed to reciprocate? I’m not there. I’m not available. And so it makes a relationship very hard. But, if I start connecting with myself in various ways, And start really getting in touch with who I am, what I like, what I want, who, the way I feel, all of that.

Then, the relationship is naturally with others is naturally going to deepen as well. Even if the other person is still rough around the edges, as you get clearer and comfortable with yourself, you become less and less triggered by their stuff and you just become like this solid center and the relationship grows based on that platform.

So developing a connection with is I would say the deepest key to connecting with a partner. Also, accepting your partner is a big one. Sometimes our standards are just too high. We have this idealized version of what a partner should be, what partners should look like. We’ve watched too many movies, read too many books and we focus too much on the, seduction phase or honeymoon phase of a relationship.

And we idealize that and then just normal day to day living, which goes on for years and years after that phase. is also part of a beautiful relationship, but has a different feeling and has a different dynamic. So accepting your partner as they are and accepting your relationship as it is can go a long way to feeling connection.

Suddenly I don’t have to do something amazing. We don’t have to have some high or some amazing experience to feel connected, to feel love, to feel safe, and to feel like we’re evolving together. So some practical ways to do this that will help you in getting in touch with yourself, developing a deeper relationship with yourself, as well as with your partner.

First of all, I mentioned the work of Byron Katie, that is, a super tool for gaining responsibility for your own happiness, becoming clear what the difference between your business and the other person’s business is, and learning how to navigate in different situations how to relate with your partner.

And the cool thing about the work is it starts with stressful moments. So you start with where the connection failed, And then you work backwards and find how that could be seen from a different point of view and what options were there that you didn’t see at the first in the first situation.

Another thing that I find super helpful is meditation. As I mentioned, I do transcendental meditation. I’ve been doing it since I was young. And this releases the deep stresses inside. And it gives this sense of self, a sense of peace, a sense of being that becomes really strong inside. And so that connection with myself gets enlivened every time I meditate.

And that becomes a basis for deep connections with others and especially with my partner. Another little thing that you can do is to just be curious about your partner. I like to say be an anthropologist as if you’re studying another culture. In some cases, it may be another culture. Certainly another family culture, maybe another actual culture.

Be curious and find out what they’re thinking. Think about What it’s like to be them, ask them and as you study them, quote unquote, you may begin to appreciate their way of doing things, which may be different than yours. One thing that I’ve started doing that I really enjoy is writing a gratitude journal about my partner.

And you can do this about anyone, but a partner is such an important person in life. And so a gratitude journal means what are you grateful for about them today or in general? What are the things you like about them? It’s like an appreciation journal in a way. And just by writing these things, and seeing them, and continuing to meditate on them and think about them, these qualities in your partner become more lively in your awareness.

You start seeing them more, and you start feeling the gratitude that comes with seeing them. Okay what are some practical things you can do to create the kind of relationship you would like? Actual, the actual relationship itself. One of the things that I find helpful is to ask about the other person’s experience.

If I don’t ask, I just assume, and my assumptions are based on how I see the world, and that may not be how they’re seeing it at all. So asking, and then really listening. And trying to understand, you may have to stretch your brain to understand how their mind works because we’re all very different. And this can foster a kind of bridging between different people, different opposite experiences, different cultures that can be very fulfilling.

And the feeling is a feeling of connection. On the other side of that, sharing your experience, without them, without needing them to change in any way is super helpful. So sharing when you’re upset, even those are the times when I tend to hide my feelings but sharing your experience as it actually is in real time.

And then and then, but without blame this is how I feel, this is what’s going on inside, this reminds me of something from when I was young, all that kind of thing can be super helpful in connecting with the partner. They get to see inside your world a little bit, and that can be amazing. And. I balance that with just doing my own work.

Like I do the work of Byron Katie. So I get triggered. I may not always talk about it directly with my partner. I may just go and do my work quietly on my own. And then the change in behavior comes out of that. But sometimes it’s nice to actually share what you’re thinking and feeling, even when it’s raw.

And I think as relationships grow in trust, the ability to share those experiences grows as well. And so it’s something you can play with. Depending on what feels comfortable for you.

Another thing that you can play around with is to think about what would make you feel really safe in a relationship. Like what is an safe environment and what would that look like? And for me, it’s I’m being vulnerable. If we’re both being vulnerable, if there’s no judging so how would I make my partner safe by not being judging them when they’re vulnerable?

And not and also gentleness is a super important factor for me for safety. So whatever those qualities are for you, just make a list and think about them and think about how you could give feeling of safety to your partner instead of waiting for them to give it to you. To you, it just turns it around.

Another thing is to put yourself out there. Make a list of activities you’d like to do together and use it for planning with your partner. These are things that you want to do. I know for me, I tend to go along with the flow and I can just do anything. But the more I give what I actually want to do into the input and where I share what I actually am thinking, the more I can start engaging my heart and these activities will be even more fun because I put something of myself into it.

Another thing that helps is to play with the idea of where am I using labeling like too much, like where I’ve gotten negative labels on my partner. And I’ve boxed them into something, like this person is, abusive or narcissistic. Where am I exaggerating? There are times when people are actually it’s not a healthy relationship.

And it may be helpful to get an outside evaluator, a therapist, or somebody to weigh in, if necessary. But a lot of times we use these terms way out of proportion to what’s going on. And we use these to amp up the feeling of being a victim, and to avoid taking responsibility. Just noticing that, and Not taking those labels so seriously and maybe just stopping using them can go a long way to improving the feeling of connection with a partner.

Another thing is to look at the incremental improvements in the relationship. I look at my progress over the last year. Maybe 15 years. And I’m just going, wow, this is really cool. We have a good relationship. It has grown and it continues to grow. And to be satisfied with that rather than this idea of a perfect relationship, which who knows what that really means.

Anyway. And then one last thought. Try compromising your values every once in a while. Compromise a little bit. Give a little bit. I know when I’m really impassioned about something, that’s the hardest thing for me to do. But if I can see it from the other person’s perspective, my partner’s perspective, and let them win sometimes, let and, or find out a way that we can both win sometimes, that can go a long way to the feeling of connection growing between us.

In this episode, we looked at what causes a lack of connection with your partner. Normally, we think it’s the other person, their personality, their anger issues their controlling, their lack of empathy, those kinds of things tend to be where we focus. And it’s a good starting point, but the problem is we can’t control those things and looking to ourselves and what we can control can be super helpful for fostering connection.

We also looked at practical things you can do to help change your perspective about your partner. You can look at them as a separate human being as they’re having their own issues that are not necessarily when they’re engaging are not so personal when it seems personal. We looked at how you can contribute to a lack of connection yourself by retreating or attacking and that kind of thing.

And we talked about doing the work of Byron Katie, meditating, seeing your partner like through the eyes of an anthropologist, being curious and Doing something as simple as a gratitude journal about your partner can be super, super helpful. Finally, we looked at practical things you can do to create more of the kind of relationship you would like.

Asking about your partner’s experience and really listening. Sharing your experience, even if it’s not 100 percent positive, but without any judgment or need for them to change. Just telling what it’s like to be you. Creating a safe space for your partner instead of waiting for them to create one for you.

Putting yourself out there, being vulnerable and sharing what your interests are and what you’d like to do together. Dropping some of the negative labels if they’re not actually true. And being satisfied with incremental improvements. And finally, compromising on your own values from time to time as a balance.

So thanks for listening. It’s great to think about this. And I appreciate your being here. And I look forward to another time when we can go more deeply into the issues that we’re dealing with. we face as HSPs and how to find balance and come back home to ourselves. So thanks again and have a great rest of your day.