Healing Old Wounds: Deep Inner Work on Family Stress for HSPs

 By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how perspective can shift as you work through stress from your family of origin.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, You’ll discover how a family of origin experience can hold you back years after it took place, why questioning the stressful thoughts about it can open up possibilities and give a sense of freedom, and how self inquiry empowers you to overcome victim mentality. Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays.

You bring your questions and stressful situations. And I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did.

Well, you know, part of me is kind of embarrassed to do another one. About when I was younger, instead of something that’s current.

I’m gonna, I’m gonna go ahead and do it. And I’ve been, I have a worksheet, I’m now on line two. And it’s, uh, the event takes place when I was, um, I think around 13. Uh, junior high, ninth grade. Um, uh, school, concert, I was in the choir. And, uh, We were all lined up, the 9th grade class, um, lined up down the hall before we went and performed.

And, um, the choir, uh, teacher said for the girls to, you need to wear a hose. And I don’t know if everybody knows, you know, pantyhose or nylons. Um, and, uh, And my dad wouldn’t let me wear them and we kind of got in a big kind of argument about it and he was pretty adamant. I don’t even know if he, yeah, I don’t know.

And so that my, uh, so my stress is at my dad for being so, um, inflexible and, um, yeah. And, um, the event happened before the concert, but then when I was standing there in the hallway, um, Uh, there were some boys across the hall, we were on both sides, and uh, they pointed out and they started laughing at my legs.

And I felt really odd. Um, so my statement is, uh, for line, line two, is that, um, I want him to stop. Suppressing me says my dad. I want him to stop suppressing me. That’s what it felt like that. He was doing.

Okay. Yeah Instead of

thriving he was suppressing me

gotcha because he wasn’t allowing you to wear hose Yeah,

everybody else did it except me.

I mean, I looked really odd.

Okay, great. Well, let’s do the work on that

so

In the hallway, the boys are laughing at your legs, and you’ve already had that conversation with your dad, and he’s adamant that you’re not going to wear hoes. Um, so you want your dad to stop suppressing you. Is that true?

Yes.

And can you absolutely know it’s true?

You want him to stop suppressing you?

Yeah.

Okay. So how do you react? What happens when this thought happens? It’s floating around in there somehow, and these boys are laughing at you. How do you react when you think you want your dad to stop suppressing you?

Um, I’m thinking that, you know, I got a bummer of a dad. And, um,

I mean, everybody else’s dad has said okay. It’s like, why did my dad, you know, not, um, I mean, you know, like my mom didn’t say anything about it. My dad was the one that made the decision and, uh, I just think he, um, yeah, I, I just feel I’m very frustrated. I was, I was mad, upset. Uh, I, I still am. Um, and, uh, it just kind of, I just felt like that it, um, really, um, made me feel odd.

Therefore, I just felt odd in my interactions with other people. I just, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

So, how do you treat your dad, um, either in real life or in your mind when you think you want him to stop suppressing you?

Um, I, you know, I, um, I fight back, you know, I’m, I’m, I’m obstinate. Um.

I’m not, I, I react how he’s, he’s reacting to me, you know, I just meet him and, um, yeah, and I noticed, uh, in different images, um, you know, I was out for a walk the other day and it just kind of was thinking about this and, um, I think that I approach life a lot like this too, being, um, kind of pushing back instead of, um, with, you know, people.

Not all the time, but, um, occasionally, kind of my, maybe my MO, part of my MO, and, um,

it’s tiring to be kind of having that approach.

Yeah, and one of the stops there. Yeah, part of me just wish I would have, uh, I was so scared, you know, but you know, part of me, I wish I would have just put pantyhose in my pocket and put them on, um, down at the bathroom before we went to the concert and just say, you know, um, but I didn’t.

Yeah.

Okay. So we’re looking for the effect of this thought. Any other effects that you notice when you’re thinking? You want him to stop suppressing you.

Um, I think he’s, um, I don’t know by him doing that. It feels like he, um, kind of suppressed my sexuality or, or being a female. He was afraid. Uh, I was a youngest of, of, uh, four kids. And, uh, um, so he had a lot of experience, um, but he just acted extra. Um, he just acted, uh, extra.

I don’t know. He just had his thumb down on me

a lot. I mean, he just was in my face and so, um, you know, I just, I’m just frustrated, you know, by that because it kind of, um, impacted the way that I may interfaced or talked with, um, the opposite sex.

Yeah, I think that, you know, I was kind of, uh, I wasn’t wild, you know, if you want to say a good girl, but he just kind of acted like that. He had to really control me because I was going to get in trouble, get myself in trouble.

So when you look at your reaction when you’re thinking, I don’t want him to do that. I don’t want him to be suppressing me or have his thumb down on me. Like, you’ve described it a lot, but anything else, how you react when you think that?

Well, I withdrew. Um, yeah, I withdrew. I became quiet. And, uh, I just kind of felt kind of like a downer.

I didn’t feel like I could approach him and just sit down and, and say, Hey, you know, let’s, let’s talk about this. Um, if, you know, his word was, was the law or whatever you want to call it, you know, rule the house. And so, instead of fighting back, I just tried to avoid.

Yeah. It’s an interesting effect of the thought, right? Like when I, believe I want him to stop suppressing me, then there isn’t any possibility of, of having a conversation. It’s like, I have to just wait until he stops suppressing me. Um, and I’m, and there’s just no, there’s no, it’s a powerless kind of place actually.

Yeah.

So these are, you know, you’ve, we’ve reported a lot here, but these are a lot of different effects of believing this thought or having this thought. I want him to stop suppressing me. So imagine now that you’re standing in the same place with it all lined up with your class. You’re the only girl that doesn’t have pantyhose on and The guys are laughing at you, um, and your dad wouldn’t let you wear them.

Imagine now, if you’re standing there experiencing that, but you don’t have any thought about wanting your dad to stop suppressing you, who would you be?

Well, I wouldn’t take it so seriously. You know, I would have, I would have put some pantyhose in my pocket and went down because I just felt, you know, I wouldn’t have that, that, um, weight on me from him, uh, being scared of what he would do. Um, I would, um, yeah, I would just take it more lightly. And, um,

um,

I could look at him and see that he is, um, just trying to, uh, guide me, um, into a path of being, uh, of staying out of trouble. And, um, I mean, I could see that even then. But, um,

you know, I’d be willing to sit down and talk with him and, um, and about this and how I feel, um, instead of, uh, I’d be open about it. I’d even talk to my mom and say, you know, maybe have my mom sit down with my dad and I and just kind of try to loosen him up.

Yeah. It’s interesting how different options start showing up when the thought isn’t there. Right. I want him to stop suppressing me. It’s like, Awesome. just waiting for him and he’s never going to do it. But without the thought, um, different options.

So this is how a thought can put us into a stranglehold. It can just absolutely lock us down. Um, and seeing the difference with and without the thought helps to understand the power of believing that thought. How much, in a way, power I give away when I believe that thought.

Yeah. And I would also, um, when the guys are laughing, you know, not all the guys, it was this group of, you know, four guys.

Yeah. And, um, I would probably smile at him and start laughing and just say, Hey, you know, this is what my dad, this is, you know, having a stern dad is and start laughing. And, and I wouldn’t have that victim role. I mean, that victim kind of image, like I’m the one that’s the odd one or because yeah, um, or I came from an odd family.

I would just say, Hey, this is, um, this is what happens. And I just joke about it. I wouldn’t take it seriously. I mean, it’s not that now I can look back and see, you know, just one of those other rights of growing up and, um, you know, one of the stories I’m sure that are out there.

Yeah. I mean, it’s, it’s easy when you look back on it, but it’s, what’s cool is what you were saying when you were in the situation and there was suddenly possibility to joke about it or to be like, yeah, that’s my dad, you know?

And like, there’s a kind of a, a playfulness or an ownership of it or something there which is lighter than when the thought is there. I want him to stop suppressing me. I’m, I’ve been suppressed so I’m in this sort of suppressed state and now anyone who does anything to me is, is just aggravating that and I just want to push him away and it’s more proof why I’m suppressed.

You know how it just goes into a vicious, Yeah, yeah,

inspiring.

Yeah, so without that it’s the First of all, you could grab some pantyhose, you could talk to your dad, and you could, um, like, take the guy’s joking, like, in a lighter way that might have been different. This just shows that these pop up automatically, like, without any real effort here, when that thought isn’t there.

I want him to stop suppressing me. So the thought is really what’s causing the, the stress. In this

situation. Yeah, my interpretation, uh, judgment of this situation.

Exactly. Yep. So how would you turn this thought around? Just to explore the opposites and see if there’s any truth on that side. I want him to stop suppressing me, that’s the original thought.

What would a turnaround be? I want

me to stop suppressing me.

I want me to stop suppressing me instead of him. Okay. Give me some examples of how that could be as true that then you want him to stop suppressing you.

Well, when they started laughing, I just remember looking down and, um, being, um,

yeah, looking like a victim and, um, wishing I could disappear. So I, that’s, that was me suppressing myself.

That was you suppressing yourself, so like this is, what’s so cool to see is that whatever your dad did. You know, like there may have been some suppressing who knows how we will look at that in a minute, but regardless there was some suppressing going on right there of of your own self

of myself.

Yeah, I kind of took it on that energy that he had and took it on but kept it on me like. It was really, it was real.

And you couldn’t help it at the time. It’s not like you had a choice because you were believing this story that he was suppressing you. I was believing

the story, right. So you know that

you could do at the time, but as we look at it now and we kind of look, re experience it, it starts seeing that there, there was like, some of this was me doing this to myself that I didn’t have to.

And if I was in this situation again, I might have more options, at that point.

Yeah.

So how else, any other examples how this turnaround could be true? I want me to stop suppressing me.

Well, I mentioned about I could have made a joke about it and, um, kind of lighten it up and just, you know, say, Hey, you know, this is, this is my dad doing this or whatever. So I didn’t have any choice. Uh, so I, you know, I could, I could have made, uh, I could have joked about it and, um, made light of it.

Yeah.

That’s a great way. Yep. Any other ways you could have not suppressed yourself or not gone into that level of suppressing?

I just think my body language, um, you know, I could really feel tight and, um, my jaw really tight.

So I was kind of frozen, you know, trying to be invisible. So that was, you know, suppressing.

Yeah, trying to be invisible. That’s a major suppressing, right? Yeah.

Right.

There could be.

And trying not to look odd, even though I didn’t have pantyhose on. Yeah. This was wintertime. So my, you know, being that age, my legs are white, you know,

Totally.

Yeah.

So, any other ways that you were suppressing yourself in this whole scenario?

Just, just in my thinking, and I might have already mentioned that. Mm hmm. Just believing into the thought of what happened. You know, what he said, I, I just took it to heart and, um, you know, not seeing that it was his, his outlook and his, his fears and, uh, that he was putting up, you know, on me, and I was putting it on myself by believing, believing into it and not questioning it.

Yeah. People can do things to me, but I can, only I can take it to the furthest place, you know, where it really is me getting suppressed and really getting shut down. People can bring it to my door, but I take it the furthest. The rest of the way or not,

you know,

so the turnaround is kind of cool. It’s like I want me to stop suppressing me like the if that option is there.

Let me take that option if possible and Exercise that freedom which is actually there

Yeah, and I you know, if I kind of make it a living turnaround, I guess if this is right By not taking it so seriously And, um, you know, not thinking, you know, so what that they laughed at me. They’re just a bunch of, you know, uh, guys anyway that, you know, think they’re jocks.

Um, and, you know, they’re not being real, you know, they’re not acting from their heart. Uh, and so by not taking it so seriously by, um, yeah, having some levity to it.

I like it. Yeah. So what would be another turnaround? I want him to stop suppressing me. Yeah.

I don’t want him to stop suppressing me. Okay.

Did there be any, any truth or any insight from that angle?

Um, I don’t want him to stop suppressing. Well, I get attention. Okay.

Um, which, you know, doesn’t seem like he only would, I got attention from him whenever like he was, So, I mean, at least I got some attention. Um, Um,

Well, from me, it’s like, at this time, I mean, back then, I don’t know, but it does give me an indicator that there is, um, something I can work on. That, um, yeah. I mean, really, it’s about him. It’s his business. It’s not about, uh, you know, it’s what he’s going through his trip, what he learned when he was growing up and he’s now doing it on me or some kind of head thing or, you know, maybe he was paranoid or, um, um, yeah.

So I can’t control him. I realize that.

Yeah.

Right. So it’s like, I don’t want him to stop suppressing me because it’s not something that I can control anyway. Right. Okay. Bye. Right.

Yeah.

Let’s go even further into it. Like, are there any advantages, uh, That came out of this, of him, him restricting you in this way, um, that you saw as suppressing.

Um,

that’s a good question. Um, the advantage of him suppressing me, um, We’re just,

yeah, I mean, we’re stretching here. We’re looking to see if we’ll find anything or not, but I’m trying to be as

imaginative as I can.

Mm hmm. And I

guess if I was being imaginative, you know, thinking out there, um, uh, it did keep me out of trouble.

Mm hmm.

Okay.

You know, interesting. I didn’t get pregnant.

Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm .

Um,

yeah, like, like, let’s pause on that for a second, because that’s the side that. We tend not to look at, you know, like, it’s like, it’s like he suppressed me and that’s a bad thing. But on the flip side of it is like you didn’t get pregnant Right.

And you didn’t, it didn’t have more morale to deal with that. Mm-hmm. Kind of issues. Yeah. So doesn’t make it right. It doesn’t mean that that’s the, the way to do it or anything like that, but if you’re being open-minded, there is that advantage sitting right there. And there it is. You know, like my, my mom, when I was in high school, had me read, well, she bought a book for me.

He said, nice guys sleep alone. And I don’t think I ever read it, but I just saw the title and it’s like, I got burned in my brain. And it was, and then it’s like, she was suppressing me kind of in a way, but I didn’t get anyone pregnant either. So it’s like, there’s a kind of a. There’s a good side to it in a weird kind of way, and what we’re seeing here, this is what the work is all about, is reality is, is, it has, it’s, it’s more than just the story.

It has more to offer, and if I look for it, I may find some of those good things that were also there. Even if it wasn’t exactly what I had wanted originally.

So any other thoughts on this turnaround? I, I don’t want him to stop suppressing me.

Um,

um, because that’s what he does. And I mean that in a positive way where I, was involved a lot in school, doing a lot of, you know, activities, uh, which he never was involved in. So it’s really odd. It was uncomfortable for him to, um, being around someone that did sports and did choir and did, you know, was in plays and stuff like that.

And so, um, That’s just what he does is because he’s trying to, um, to, uh, protect his family and it’s very, uh, he’s out of maybe unbalanced because, um, he’s, this was foreign to him to be exposed to these different kind of, um, activities.

Yeah, it’s a very compassionate way of seeing it, you know, like, even if it was suppression, like this was, this is all he could do.

He was, he had some, who knows, maybe old fashioned ideas or, uh, was just trying to protect his family or. like there was something going on there and just seeing that gives like a softness to it. Like he, he couldn’t help it. Yeah. So the turnarounds, it’s funny cause the turnaround sounds like I want him, you know, I, I don’t want him to stop suppressing me.

It’s like I want him to keep on suppressing me. It’s not that I totally want it on one level, but I want it because that’s the best he can do.

Yeah.

Okay. So What’s another turnaround? If there is one, I want him to stop suppressing me.

Ah, I want me. Well, I want me to stop suppressing me. I know we already did. I want me to stop suppressing. Maybe we already did that.

We did that one. Yeah. I want me to stop suppressing me.

I want him, I want me to stop suppressing him.

Okay,

so that is a turnaround. The question is, can we make any sense of that? Is there any way that that could

Yeah, yeah. I could make sense of that. What do you say? Because, you know, he gives it to me, and I was giving it right back to him. I was suppressing him, and, um, trying to make him fit into I, who, the dad I thought he should be, and how he should act, and how his approach is, and, um, so I probably, You know, I, you know, walking around trying to control him, uh, it was suppressing, I was suppressing him.

Um, I’m sure it wasn’t, you know, a joyful time being around me, um, when I reacted to him like that.

So I’m just seeing you guys were a real match for each other. You know, he tries to suppress you, you try to suppress him. And. I’m seeing more like two equals rather than a top dog suppressing bottom dog kind of person thing, you know, it’s like you were trying to control him too, at least in your mind.

Yeah,

I push back and um, and I want me to stop suppressing him by um, not having, not seeing him as a um, Uh, say what am I thinking of by uh, not seeing him as someone that’s laying down the law or whatever but seeing him as someone who’s um, that there’s a way to talk, that there’s a way to talk to him and um, to be open with him by sitting down with him and uh, you know, having a heart to heart conversation as much as that’s, that’s possible.

So instead of pushing back, um, for me to stop suppressing him is I would, um, look him in the eye, you know, with compassion and love, um. Yeah, I’d say, hey, when, you know, you’re doing this, this is what, this is, this is how I feel, and this is what is hurting, um, and, um, instead of just acting mad and pushing back, and, yeah.

Does that make sense? It does, yeah. I mean, I could, I could see that I, my, I could see my, my role in the situation. And I just thought I was surviving and really I was just reacting to what he was doing.

Like it all happens so automatically because it’s all reaction, but the fact is that he may have felt suppressed, like he couldn’t be himself or there was something like, I don’t know, I don’t know your dad, I don’t know your relationship with him, but there’s a, there could have been Suppressing that he was feeling on his side when you’re coming at him and and not Yeah, I don’t know like this is what we’re what we’re opening to the possibility of that’s all

He probably thought it was a bummer having a daughter like me because his first daughter was very complete complacent.

There you go Like, what’s going on, you

know?

Yeah.

You were thinking you had a bummer of a dad, and he was thinking, no, I got a bummer of a daughter. Yeah. And it can go even further, like, you know, even years later, when you think of your dad, there can, like, are you suppressing him? Like, even the memory of him, are you suppressing him, or do you put him into a, you know, a role of this guy’s the bad guy or this guy, you know, I don’t know, but this is also could be possibilities of how suppressing him could continue even to this day.

Oh, yeah, I could see, I could see that. Yeah, it’s really opening my eyes to, um, this, uh, kind of energy that I’ve kind of pushed that direction and that, you know, seeing it kind of helps me release it. It’s not needed. I’m seeing what I’m doing. It’s like, Oh, you know, it’s exhausting. And um, yeah, it’s not the way I want to live.

Exactly. So that’s the power of awareness. When I see it isn’t really what I want, it’s that doesn’t really work for me. Then I don’t even have to try to stop doing that. It just naturally becomes less appealing. Yeah. Yeah.

So, interesting stuff. Yeah. And then it’s like the, if I see him as the, as the one holding all the power, then I feel suppressed, but it’s all a perspective, as we saw earlier, like I want me to stop suppressing me. Because that’s what’s making it even worse in this situation. And the less I see that I am under his thumb, the more I can be myself, even with his rules or conditions, you know, as a child.

And the more I allow him to be himself. Like, you can see the reverse of the vicious cycle starting to happen. With just with playing with these turnarounds in this episode, we looked at how a family of origin experience can hold you back years after it took place. And you could see this person working through this situation, which had colored and influenced her life after that point.

We all have family of origin experiences, and some of them as you work through them can start to lighten and loosen and change the whole experience of how you live as you begin to explore other ways of seeing. We also looked at why questioning the stressful thoughts about it can open up possibilities and give a sense of freedom.

And that’s because you’re starting to see it from the point of view of possibilities, of how you could have possibly done something differently or seen it differently. Um, options start to open up, and when that happens, it feels much less oppressive. It feels much less stressful. And the worry of. Similar situations ever happening in your life becomes less.

And finally, we looked at how self inquiry empowers you to overcome victim mentality. Victim mentality means like, Ugh, he’s suppressing me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m powerless. Self inquiry turns that around and says, Wait a minute, I could be the one doing as much of the suppressing here as him.

And if that’s the case, I could actually stop doing that. It’s an option that I hadn’t seen before. This is the beauty of self inquiry. This is why I love the work of Byron Katie. It brings it back to me. And when I land back at myself, I have responsibility for my own happiness instead of being a victim of the situations around me.

So thanks for listening. It’s always a pleasure to be here with you, and I look forward to next time. In the meantime, have a great rest of your day.