Does “Accepting What Is” Lead to Spiritual Bypassing? HSPs & The Work of Byron Katie

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how questioning a stressful thought does not mean becoming passive, just the opposite.

Welcome to stress Management for highly sensitive people, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, A way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover why it can be challenging to do inner work on a genuinely problematic situation. Why doing the work is even more essential in situations like this, and how to reconcile inner work outer action. Today is another edition [00:01:00] of Open Session Wednesdays. You bring your questions and stressful situations and I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie.

As always, I shared the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did.

Client: Um, okay, so one of the things that, um, here and while.

Hmm. How do I explain it? Something happens, usually it’s, it’s a person is doing something that, that is, um, like disrupting the space, like in a gathering. Um, like, like I have three coming into my mind at once, but, and then, so I, later I do the work on how this person is annoying, irritating, whatever it may be.

But when I get to the,[00:02:00]

who am I without the thought? Um, and I know I’ve asked this question before, but I wanna, I just wanna ask it again in a different way. I get to the, the, who am I without the thought, and it just like, it’s, I don’t like the way it feels because it feels like, um. I could slip into like, oh, just like being passive or like spiritual bypassing, like, who am I without the thought that this person is, is taking up, um, interrupting people and stuff, and, and like I, there’s like this thing in me that’s like, they, they, they can’t do, they shouldn’t be doing that.

And I’m afraid that like the work is kind of going to spiritually bypass so that. I’m just like, oh, whatever. You know, they’re, who am I without the thought, I don’t do anything about it. Um,

Todd: yeah.

Client: Yeah. [00:03:00]

Todd: Yeah. And it’s a, it’s an important concern and, uh, something that comes up from time to time. It’s a very delicate thing that we’re doing.

Um, because if you just. Question everything and turn it around and think, oh, nothing, everything’s fine. In a way, um, you may be spiritually bypassing and that’s not actually the point of doing the work. I. The idea is to find out what is my business and what is their business, and to come back into my business and control what I can control and accept what I can’t control, and then see how those interact, um, with one another.

So, you know, you’re situation of someone disrupting a, you know, maybe a gathering or something like that. Um, when you look at what you can control. And what you can’t control, you can’t control what that person actually thinks or does or [00:04:00] is motivated to do. You can’t control their personality. You can’t control a lot of things there.

Um, but there how you experience that is something that you can control. There’s the inner world where you can. Experience that as completely frustrating and anger producing and makes you become overwhelmed and, um, frustrated. Um, or you can experience it in a more calm way, which is that the, this is just the way this person is and we need to, um, figure a way to work around that reality.

If we’re gonna have a gathering that. It doesn’t have that, or I have to be able to recover from disruptions when they happen, if they’re gonna happen, and I can’t control that. So it’s like moving the locus of control inside and to my own experience, my own world, [00:05:00] instead of being a victim of something that I can’t control because there are a lot of things in life that I can’t control and when I want to control them and I can’t.

It gives this powerless kind of feeling mm-hmm. When you do the work, you, you start with, you know, um, you know, this person shouldn’t be disrupting or something like that. And if feel you, you, when you’re believing that thought, you feel that. Disempowerment, that feeling of anger and frustration and, and if you go to, who would you be without the thought?

They shouldn’t be doing that, um, without condoning, right? This is the key point here. This is just what would my internal world be like if I wasn’t attached to the idea that they shouldn’t be? Interfering or shouldn’t be disrupting. I would see it probably with a little more distance, a [00:06:00] little more space, and I would start to see, um, what’s going on with that person and what’s going on with me.

I would start to see options of what I could do or what, what things I could, uh, manage in that situation and that little bit of space or that little bit of distance. Gives a lot more, uh, freedom, inner freedom is what I like to think of. And so the, the, the work is about discovering that inside of myself, which is empowering.

But if you’re not, it, it’s a delicate thing. Like I said in the beginning, it, there’s a sort of place where you’re, okay, so does that mean I just turn a blind eye to that and it’s easy to flip flop from like being a victim. To being and powerless to being like, uh, a kind of accepting in a not really accepting way.

Right? I mean, it’s like a fake [00:07:00] accepting or an oh, fine, then just let ’em do whatever they want. But you don’t, it doesn’t feel like peace on the inside, right? So we are looking for, we’re following. In, in inner work of any kind, we’re following our inner experience, and I always say it’s like feeling your way in the dark.

And if you’re getting closer to a peaceful way of seeing it, you will start feeling it, getting warmer and warmer, getting, you know, more and more peaceful as you move in that direction. If you’re approaching something, feeling in the dark and it’s getting more stressful as you go in that direction. You can guarantee that’s not the direction.

That’s not it. So you have to listen to yourself and feel your way with these questions, right? These questions are just standard questions. Who would you be without the thought? It doesn’t tell you how to answer them, doesn’t tell you what to find. It doesn’t tell you anything. But you can use [00:08:00] that as a jumping off point and then start exploring your own inner world and start noticing what feels more peaceful, what feels.

Not so peaceful and like that you can get closer to yourself. And when I’m doing questions like, who would you be without the thought? I sometimes make modifications on that thought. Like if it’s an actual fact, like say we’re questioning the person is disrupting the space, right? And it’s like they really are.

So who would I be without that thought might seem really strange because I’d be like. Being blind to what’s actually happening, which doesn’t feel like, you know, like you say, spiritual bypassing. But I can sometimes play with it and say, instead of who would you be without the thought, who would you be?

Or if, if I’m asking myself, who would I be if I wasn’t, um, if I wasn’t so focused on that thought, like if I wasn’t so caught up in that thought, or if that thought wasn’t [00:09:00] so active in my mind when they’re doing what they’re doing. Um, so the question four thought has nothing to do with changing the actual situation.

It’s only has, has to do with, um, like how I’m seeing it and through what, through which filter am I seeing it? Am I seeing it as like they’re disrupting this and, and. And that’s all I can see. Like my mind gets looped in on that. They’re disrupting, disrupting, disrupting. And now it’s becoming this huge thing inside of my, uh, awareness.

Or is it just a noticing of like, oh yeah, they’re disrupting and there’s all of this going on and this going on, and I have lots of options and like that’s a bigger space. Um, and so question four, who would you be without? The thought is who would you be with if that thought wasn’t so predominant or if the.

If you weren’t obsessing on it or if you weren’t making that the central focus [00:10:00] of your awareness, but it doesn’t mean that the thought doesn’t, may not have truth, right? Just because we question a stressful thought doesn’t mean that it’s false. Um, we have to find that for ourselves and we have to find the balance.

And there’s often a mix. So it’s inner work and inner work for a reason. It’s not, um, it’s not even about fixing the situation. That comes later. This is about detaching myself from this. Feeling of powerlessness that I have when I’m looped in to, um, what I think shouldn’t be happening, you know, when I’m arguing with what is.

So as long as you keep that in mind, then you can navigate any stressful situation. You can question any thought, even a, even a straight fact. Sometimes I question straight up facts, and it doesn’t mean that I’m going to reject the fact as a fact. It just means that I am looking at how. I experience [00:11:00] my, my inner world when I’m focused on that fact.

Um, and who would I be without it? I would be a little more, like, a little, little more space inside like that. So I guess, um, the bottom line is that we’re doing inner work and it’s easy to get confused about outer action, which is also important, taking action. Maybe, uh, saying something to someone who’s disrupting, taking action, preventing that person from coming into a gathering where it’s not wanted.

Um, those are outer actions that also bring peace, right? So there’s a, there’s a kind of a, there’s discrepancy here between what we do to take care of a situation, you know, in terms of societies. These are public policies. These are, um, external things that are. Important for maintaining [00:12:00] law and order in a, in a country or in a society.

Those are important and they do help maintain peace. But what we’re doing in the work when we’re doing inner work is we’re, we’re just focusing on how we’re seeing it and what’s important there instead of, uh, like. We’re not trying to change the outside. We’re we’re saying that’s a different muscle that can be used later or can be used separately.

Completely different. But we’re just looking when we’re doing inner work at what is, how is the thought that I’m thinking, making me feel, uh, stressed in that moment? And who would I be without that thought? And I might be less stressed, but I still may need to take some action. In the outside world as well, it’s can coexist.

So I don’t know, I’ve kind of shared a few thoughts randomly here. Um, where are, where are you at when you’re listening up to this point?

Client: [00:13:00] Yeah. That so many helpful things that you’re saying around the, um, like the powerlessness. And I noticed when you were talking that the place that actually causes the most stress for me in those instances is really feeling like.

Like, there’s a thought that comes in that’s like, somebody needs to fucking do something about this. Like, we’re all just sitting here allowing this person to do this, so now it has to be me. And then I get in this stressful place of then, like, it’s, it’s the, it’s like I haven’t from that stressful place, I’m trying to run through the options.

Do I interrupt ’em? Do I talk to ’em later? Do I go tell on him to somebody? And, um, yeah. So. I was thinking like, if I could, if, if we could go into like a one liner with the main one, that could be helpful to, to kind of get into that one spot if, if, unless somebody else has something that they wanted to, [00:14:00] to work on.

Todd: Yeah, I think that’s, that sounds, uh, good. Um, yeah, so what’s the one liner.

Client: Um, let’s see.

It’s like somebody needs to do something about,

Todd: in this episode, we looked at why it can be challenging to do inner work on a genuinely problematic situation. What I mean by that is a situation that may require action and may need you to step in or do something. And it can be sound counterintuitive to go inward and do inner work when there may be a need for actual action.

And we saw that actually it’s even more essential in situations, situations like this to do [00:15:00] your inner work because when you are agitated, angry, feeling victimized, feeling powerless. That’s when your action is least effective. That’s when you, uh, react out of anger rather than become creative in problem solving and can bring opposite parties together and all of that.

So it’s through questioning a thought internally and loosening your attachment to it. Then you actually, ironically become more effective. In making a difference in a real live situation. And finally, we looked at how to reconcile inner work and outer action. And there are two different things. Outer action is what I do.

Inner work is how I experience the situation, but outer depends on inner and if I am angry and tense and, and worked up about a situation. [00:16:00] On the inside, chances are my outer actions are not going to be very, uh, effective. And so the reconciliation comes from first stepping inward, cleaning up any kind of stress that may be there by exploring and expanding and meditating, and then coming back out and jumping into action in whatever way feels appropriate.

So thanks for listening. It’s great to think about this with you, and I look forward to more sessions. This same participant actually, uh, after this did some work on a related piece of, uh, related kind of situation. And so we will, uh, get into that next week, uh, on the open session Wednesdays, uh, agenda. So thanks again for being here, and I hope you have a great rest of your day.