Revenge Reactions in HSPs: How The Work of Byron Katie Helps You Handle Conflict Without Overwhelm

This podcast is all about the work of Byron Katie. You’ll see it in action. You’ll hear questions being asked about it, but in reality, the work of Byron Katie is a practice. It’s something that I’ve been doing almost every day since 2007, and in the daily, or almost daily repetition and exploration that the most benefit is gained from this practice.

For this very reason, I’ve created a program called Inquiry Circle. Where we support you to make this more of a daily practice, we have a community online. You can do it from anywhere. We do it in written form as well as spoken form. And if you’re interested in going further with the work of Byron Katie, check out Inquiry Circle at the work as meditation.com.

There were some girls in front of me and they said, one of them stepped on me a little bit. And then she said, sorry, but she immediately said, sorry, you’re, you’re standing too close to me. And I, I didn’t even care that she had stepped back. Didn’t matter. But welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around.

We use something called the work of Byron Katie, which is four questions and turnarounds, and a way to look at situations differently. A way to span your mind. So that you’re not limited to a narrow view of any of a particular situation. I call this finding the wiggle room, finding that little bit of space that is always there on the inside, and this process of questioning what you’re thinking is a very powerful way of doing that.

I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, we will start with an interesting discussion from the open session. About how to let go of revenge and how to manage conflict better. This particular participant brings a situation where she got in an altercation with someone in a iron at the restaurant, and uh, in that little micro situation, there’s so much going on and we explore that together.

We talk about the, the process and the, the value of doing the work and how that can be actually preventive. And we also, she actually does the work on a stressful thought from that situation. So that’ll be the first main part of the episode. And the second part will be a, me reading the newsletter called Hypo, uh, the hypocrisy of Don’t Be Negative.

Let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together in a simple, powerful way to question what you think, and here’s the latest weekly open session. As always, I share the unedited recording so that you can experience this just as we did together, and I invite you to join us whenever you can.

Yeah, just, just that little bit of anxiety that I have about having to maneuver in an I just learned. This bank’s where, where the buttons are, you know? And then, so just now, I just paid all the bills ahead of time before it transfers so that I’m not panicking about getting the bills paid af while I work out the transfer.

So my, my thought it’s gonna be, it’s gonna be met, it’s gonna be hard. Okay. And, um, and you, Sarah, what are your thoughts? Um, just the, just listening to the two of you, we’re gonna figure out how to, uh, navigate this. Well, mine’s a little bit different. Um, and, uh, mine is just that I had an altercation when I was in line a couple of days ago.

Okay. And there were some girls in front of me and they said, one of them stepped on me a little bit and then she said, sorry. She immediately said, sorry, you’re, you’re standing too close to me. And I, I didn’t even care that she had stepped back. Didn’t matter, but it totally triggered me when, ’cause she said it derisively.

And then she said to her friends, there were three of them, she said to her other friend that I, I think she said something like That old woman stood on me, or like, she said, something kind of to me sounded in really insulting and I felt humiliated. So I actually did the work on, she insulted me, which was really helpful.

But the problem was, in the moment I felt humiliated and I was trying to talk myself like this is a thing, and trying to thought I was trying to handle it. And then, uh, an opportunity came for me to get back at the girls. They were taking too long in line, and so I just aggressively moved in and said.

Move, move forward, get off your phone and move something like that. And then of course, it all turned into a escalation. I mean, I, I, I totally calmed down after that, but they really got upset and, and I just don’t know. So my question, which can wait for another time too, but just like, oh no, we’re to, we’re totally doing, we’re totally doing yours.

Well, it’s just that what I wanna know, so like I said, I did the work on, she insulted me. Because that was the first thing that I was believing. But what I’m, what I am, I feel like there was something else that wouldn’t let me, like, I don’t know if it was like I need revenge or they can’t get away with it, or, or something that didn’t let me, I couldn’t just recognize that I was completely, couldn’t handle it.

I thought I could handle it. Then when this opportunity came to get back at them, and I just did something that I wished I didn’t do. And you know, so I just, I guess my, it’s like I learned, I learned from the experience of feeling insulted, but why can’t I? Why bet You have to lose it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you know. When you’re believing a thought, that’s how you react. So you must have still been believing something. And then when you’re, when you’re fully believing something, you can’t help but react. And one of the ways the reaction can happen is wanting revenge. Um, so the revenge part is sort of the secondary piece of it, right?

It’s, yes. It’s the telltale sign that something was still, uh, you were still strongly believing something, some kind of. I dunno what it is. Um, so you, you mentioned the idea that they, she assaulted you. That I think that’s pretty darn good, but maybe there’s some more pieces in here that, um, that are holding up that revenge desire.

Um, or maybe you’ve, you’ve worked through that afterwards, um, and maybe you’re still just trying to clean up your own like. I don’t know what it is. Guilt or something about the, well, I guess, um, it’s, so it’s, I don’t know if I’m looking for like, advice or obviously we’re doing the work, but I guess what I’m not clear on is how do I stop this from happening?

Because not everybody gets mad. Like we all get triggered all the time. Not everybody gets mad. I, I get, I got mad. I, I didn’t punch anybody and it, I. It all ended well, but I’m, I’m like, okay. I, I worked on it. I don’t feel harbor anger toward the girls anymore. I, I don’t wanna go and find them. Like, afterwards I was like, oh, I hope I see them on the street.

I feel like I’ve cleared it out, but what I’m scared of now is just like. Why do I act like this? Like, uh, how can I stop it? What, and that’s why I’m like, what is, do you hear another belief? I thought I have. I thought that in my case I would probably use, I lowered myself to their level.

Yeah. So. Like, there may be some underlying beliefs or some more beliefs that you can question about this. But what I’m kind of hearing is that you’re, you’re not harboring now any real, like you work through it. You’re not harboring that, that anger now or that resentment now. Um, so, so the fear is like, how do I stop this from happening?

Yes, sure. And. The answer in my experience is very simple. It’s by, you’ve already done that, by doing your work on she insulted you. And seeing a little bit through that, seeing a little more clarity around that. I don’t know what you discovered in that, but my guess is there would be a little more openness or understanding or patient, um, towards her in that specific situation.

And if you can see it in that specific situation. That carries forward to other situation. And that’s the way it tends to work for me is I’ll do the work always postmortem, right? I do the work on something after the fact. I can’t change that situation. But having done the work on that, uh, that situation, I start getting insights on how I can see that type of situation and that type of situation may recur.

And so when it does. What happens when I’ve done my work, like on, on an emotional level, in a really meditative way, something changed in the way I see that person. Something opened on the heart level for me, and I may never think of that work again. But something’s changed in me after having done the work.

And so when I’m presented with a similar situation, then that little something that changed in me is now present in that situation too. The chances are I, I have a much higher chance of actually seeing it, uh, the way I saw it in my inquiry, in my after, you know, in my work, in my postmortem. There’s a much greater chance of that actually, um, being present when I am, uh, with a similar situation.

So this work seems like I’m doing it after the fact, but it’s actually preventive work. We’re preventing a similar kind of reaction in the future because. What causes the reaction? I only see one option, like I’m a victim, that’s a perpetrator. I need to put that person down and I need to get them outta my way, or I need to rev revenge.

I need to get even, like, I’m only seeing it through that narrow lens of I’m a victim. That person is doing this to me and I’m not just gonna sit around and let this happen. You know? So it’s like all the energy is focused in within that little narrow range, and it just comes. Strong in that direction. And I, and I don’t see any of their options when I do the work.

I start looking outside of that narrow range and I start imagining what could have been going on for them. I start imagining, you know, I start seeing other ways that I could, uh, still stand up for myself without being, uh, you know, angry. I, I see a lot of different, uh, options on how I could be in that situation.

So that exercise. When having done that, it changes something in me, and when I come across a similar situation, there’s a higher chance that I’m gonna seek some of those other options and choose one of those. Now, there’s also still a chance that I won’t see those options, in which case I will be on automatic pilot and I will do exactly what I did last time.

I will just become angry and revengeful and all of that. But chances are having done that work. Previously, even if I get down that track a little ways, or even if I actually go full bore and do it, um, I’m gonna become aware of it at some point. Gonna, and it probably is gonna be sooner rather than later.

It might be I explode and then I’m like, oh, I remember there were other ways of seeing this. And then, oh, I’m so sorry. Like it, it can just change quickly. Or I’m about to explode. And then I remember, oh right, this was, I. This was what could have been going on for that person I remember from last time somehow.

And it sort of dissolves right in front of your face. Or what happens is you just keep catching it earlier and earlier. And if you get presented with enough of these, um, and even without doing the work again, you may find yourself catching it so early that it just doesn’t even get you like, oh, here comes the insult.

And I’m just sort of like. Duck and it goes over my shoulder and I’m moving on to, I like, oh, no problem. Don’t worry about it. But regardless, even if I do get triggered, even if I don’t catch it, I can work that situation the same way I work this situation. I can gain more insights from that one. That may have been like, the situation will be slightly different and I’m making gain slightly different takeaways from that, and that’s gonna give me even more strength.

And more option for the next future one. So it’s sort of like the, the idea of continuing, continuing to happen is a losing proposition because it’s gonna be, the chances are getting less and less and less and less as long as I, uh, keep, um, each time I do the work, each time I, I question my thoughts and see new perspectives.

That’s gonna inform the next one. I may repeat that and I may repeat that. I may repeat that. Eventually I start seeing options right in the moment. And it’s not an intellectual thing, it’s like in a, like an experiential thing. Oh, got it. That’s the kind of person that has had a bad day. Okay. Or that’s a person that’s got a real small, uh, you know, personal space, uh, or big personal space boundary and Right.

Got it. Okay. You know, like however that is, uh, the awareness starts start being there. That’s how it works in real life. It’s, I I always say the work is like a chalk talk in the locker room where you’re like, okay, you go here and pass the ball here and, and we will, we’ll make this play on, on, on the field.

But that’s just the theory. And then when you go out onto the, to the, um, field, you have to do it. You fall, you do it wrong a few times. It’s, and then you have to do it first. It’s. It’s like easy to do in some situations, but others are more challenging. And then over time you start getting good at it. You can do that play no matter what with the hardest competitors coming at you, and you’re totally fine with it.

Um, so as a practice, it’s a, it’s a process of practicing. Um, and you don’t even have to plan for it, but just do the work, then go expose yourself to a similar situation, do the work again, if necessary, expose again and over time. Uh, you will become strong at, at that sidestepping, what would’ve been an inevitable blow up?

Well, you know, I’m just seeing this sort of theme of, uh, a belief like people don’t respect me and then I’m seeing as you’re talking past situations, one in particular, but. So it’s almost like, oh, these girls and other people insulting me, not respecting me. Like, yeah, so, so I cleared that one with them.

Like I really can picture them and I don’t feel anything anymore. I don’t feel angry. I get it. And, uh, but it’s like, oh, okay, I see those others. So could be that if I, yeah, questioning more of that idea. So that I don’t get upset if someone cuts in or I, I don’t, uh, I don’t have to react if someone cuts in front of me in line in, in the same way.

Yeah. Because there’s still this kind of little part of me that’s like, oh, that, that’s a sign of disrespect. Exactly. Respect me. Like there’s a larger belief that people don’t respect me. Like there’s something about, and more generally speaking, that they don’t respect me, and this was an isolated case of it.

But as soon as you saw it, you tied it into that bigger story. And it’s like, now this is not just a small stakes, little, little issue between two people. This is, this is everybody against me, like, and I’ve got a history, and like there’s the emotion just goes through the roof with that. So this is where sometimes it can be good to question the larger belief, even though I love to keep specific when a, when a sp, when a larger belief comes out of a specific situation.

It actually can sometimes be really, uh, really interesting to question. In fact, we could do a little bit of that, um, right now if you want to, if that’s okay with everyone else. I’m good. Okay. Yeah, let’s do it. So the situation is when that, when that person, um, says, you know. Sorry, but then quickly follows it with, you’re standing too close, you know, you’re standing too close to me, and then follows that with saying, that old woman stood on me, or something like that.

Right? So that’s the kind of trigger, double trigger there. So your mind was using that as proof of a bigger theory that people don’t respect you, right? Mm-hmm. Is that true? People don’t respect you.

I’ll go with a yes. ’cause my mind’s like, well, strangers don’t like, so there’s still a little yes of yes. Okay. So can you absolutely know it’s true. People don’t respect you? No. And how do you react? What happens in this situation with that woman when she says, you’re standing too close to me and talks about you as an old woman standing on you?

Like what happens to you when you hear that and you believe this bigger idea that people don’t respect you? Just, it feels so embarrassing. Like the whole, whole lineup, the whole restaurant, everybody heard me get talked to like that and, and it’s, um,

yeah, it feels small. Like I feel very small and I feel, I,

I think I felt it in my stomach and my heart. I have the, like, past images like this. I have past images where I felt like someone judged me as lesser and how painful those were and um, and I had no recourse. Also, it’s of sort like it’s memories of, as a past of being spoken down to and a past of never being able to bring myself back and here it is again where.

They’ll never, they’re not gonna, I can’t do anything in the future that’s gonna make them respect me. Like they, they, they win. And so it’s this feeling of, um, not being, not only do they not respect me, but it’s, I can never get it either. So it’s like becomes, that’s the reason for their behavior is a lack of respect towards me is, is me seeing me as not worth it, not relevant.

Not important. And then from that weakened position, it’s like there’s no way for me to crawl outta that hole. Yeah. Um, like they never will. So I’m just stuck in this hole and they get to be in their superior world. Yeah. Sort of how it feel like, what it looks like. Yeah, just, and it’s just so embarrassing and I feel so small and angry, like very angry at that frustration of that, of being stuck like that.

And then it only gets worse because if I ever do say anything or it’s like, I’m so angry, but if I ever do release anger, I just like look even worse. It’s like just confirms. Confirms how low I am. So really, there’s only one way to go. Yeah. Oscar. Once that starts, it’s like there’s no win. If you, if you move, you’re, you’re, you’re in trouble.

If you don’t move, you’re just as much in trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So who would you be when the same woman says, sorry, you know, but you’re standing too close to me. It’s like, like your fault. And, and then starts talking about you. Oh yeah. She, she stood on me. Um. Who would you be when that happens and you don’t have that, if you didn’t have that overarching idea that people don’t respect you, who would you be in that same situation?

Yeah, I would be like. It’s just like this is, it is a, a personal, like it’s just to an interaction with these people. That’s it. I, I don’t go into the business of everybody behind me in line or anybody else in the restaurant. It’s just like, and I don’t even have to say anything because she’s to taking care of it.

I, I am not involved. I, I can just stand there and.

I don’t even have to apologize because it’s not her, it’s not my thing. Like, um, ’cause part of my instinct with the thought is like, oh, I guess I should say I was too close to her and I guess I was paying attention. Like I start blaming myself for being too close to her. But in, without the, without the thought, it’s just like, oh, that just happened.

Uh, she said that to me and now she’s over there. And, um. Nobody else is involved. There’s no other, my ego’s not at risk. There’s nobody else, um, who cares. And they don’t even care either. They’re back doing their thing. So I just feel very much like, okay, that just happened. Like, that’s it. It’s very easy.

Without that belief. It’s not, nothing’s at safe, nothing. Doesn’t matter. It’s just, uh, oh, I was standing too close to her. Like mm-hmm. It’s a crowded line. And that’s like her personal space. And you know, and I, and I hear, I hear the, sorry, like followed it up right away with the critique, but she started with, sorry.

So she obviously. I didn’t even notice that she stepped on me, but so it’s like I hear, I hear that. And, which makes me hear also, it’s embarrassing if you think you did something and you don’t wanna think it’s your fault, you, you say, oh. So yeah, without believing people don’t respect me or that it’s, this is,

it’s just easy. Just very small interaction. Very tight like. It’s over and I’m completely fine standing in line. I’m totally fine. I’m fine to give her more space. It’s no problem. This is how, you know, you hear petty arguments between like partners or relationships or at work or all different places, little petty like, like what makes them so like emotional and, and.

And yeah, just big is the connection between a little petty thing and a big belief like this, people don’t respect me, or this person doesn’t respect me. Or some, some bigger thing like that. And so you’ve just shown without that, it just scales right down to, oh, a person stepped on my toe and I’m, and said sorry, and then kind of took it away.

But you know, the. They did what they did. Like it’s not, it’s like not neither here nor there, but as long as it’s connected to people don’t respect me and it’s a, and I’ve experienced this so many times in my life and, and all of that, and the people behind me all, then this is, I have to, I have to fight, I have to stand up because this is, yeah, huge.

So this is how, this is the power of a thought like this, how it just. It brings something huge into something small, which is why the reaction comes out huge. No surprise. Yeah. So how would you turn the thought around people don’t respect me. Um, I don’t respect people. Um, and that’s.

It just is, it is like, I want me, me first, my feelings first. Um, like I, I saw with this, with this, when I worked on this, it’s like I went into the store. Oh, it’s a big lineup of people, people big line had my phone. This is boring. So it’s like. I wish they’ll get outta the way, it’ll be my turn. So I don’t respect people.

It’s not like I come in, you know, with no attachment to anything and would go, oh wow, look at all the people and I’m so excited to be in this restaurant and all the french fries are gonna be yummy. Like, I’m, I don’t respect people. I’m just not relevant. Only how long I’m gonna wait in line is relevant.

Yeah. So that’s, that’s, I love that. You’re honest to see that and to, to find that because it’s, it’s what partly contribute to that feeling that that explosiveness, right? There’s a, there’s already a, uh, a stress building. Like, I don’t really want to be here. Or these people are like, how long are they gonna hold me up?

And yes, there’s a, like a lack of respect, if you will, towards the people on some level. And then it doesn’t take much if there’s a, if there’s a powder keg, one spark is all it takes. And it’s, it can blow. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So another turnaround. People don’t respect me. Um, I don’t respect me

well, I mean, I, I really go first to it being about me being small. Like I never think someone would react to me. For any like that, for any other reason that, that, that, that they think I’m irrelevant. Yeah. So I don’t really ever manufacture any other reasons why people would go first or say something to me.

Um, so I don’t respect me in the, in the explanations I give for when my feelings are hurt. It’s always. Doubled down by my, by my interpretation of what it means. Um, and that, and also that I’m, I’m in the wrong. Also, like, I was like, oh, I guess I shouldn’t have been looking at my soul. Like I, I was so mad at myself for standing too close to her and, um, like my space didn’t matter.

Her space mattered. Mine, mine didn’t matter. Yeah. And so like, I deserve, you know, someone to be edgy with me. So that makes it like a double pushback. Like she pushed that, then you pushed yourself back further. Like, I shouldn’t, you know, just like take it and, and then are harder on yourself. And so if I. Do that to myself, like someone’s doing it to me and then I’m doing it to myself.

There’s a certain point where it’s getting too compressed and I gonna, I’m gonna explode. Mm-hmm. Um, so this also contributes to that. Like, if I am not respecting myself, then, then there’s this part of me that’s finally gonna just rise up. Like it’s just gonna this blow blow and it tells you like, you know, how do I stop this from happening?

Right. That’s sort of where we started it. It tells you that, that. If there’s ways, there are ways to respect yourself even when somebody else doesn’t respect you. That’s like, that’s gold. You can find that in some way. Like, like in fact, let’s do that for a second. What is, how are you still respectable?

Even though, um, she, she clearly couldn’t see it, um, or didn’t, didn’t appreciate what you did and even was derisive there. Um. Derive support? Well, just, I guess the innocence of my mistake. Like

I definitely wouldn’t have tried to, I wasn’t prying to get in her space. Exactly. And if she had said, you know, if I’d felt, if I hadn’t felt attacked, I would’ve been like, oh. Or if I’d noticed, you know, I would’ve stepped back or given her more space or, yeah. So that’s giving yourself, like cutting yourself some slack, right?

You, you weren’t paying attention and it was crowded and you kind of ended up, you were looking at your phone and innocently didn’t leave her enough space. So yeah. But if you can see that, like that, that innocence, um, even though owning that was you that did it right, but at the same time see your innocence about it at the same time, then there can be a respect for yourself, even if she can’t respect.

And if you, and if it’s at least theoretically, if you’re capable of respecting yourself, even when she is not, there’s a freedom there and it becomes like, um, just not as a big of a deal. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And even like, just sort of like, I just assumed that I was too close to her. Also, I don’t even know that I really was.

Um, my husband was talking about, you know, people’s definitions of personal space have changed in the past few years. Mine’s a different generation, maybe so, and so that’s not to say no, I wasn’t too close, but more just for me to see, did I, how big was my mistake even? Exactly. You know, the one that I definitely a hundred percent own is that I wasn’t paying attention.

Not, not as for sure I wasn’t paying attention, but I can even look at. Did I really commit that crime of, of standing too close? ’cause that to me is embarrassing. If I was like standing on top of somebody, but I could, I could just even look if I’m respecting me, I could one situation, she said, okay, nothing for me to do Now before I assume, oh, Sarah shouldn’t have gone so close to that person.

I could just look around. But even at the space between us and notice if really. I did even do that thing, or if it was my only thing was just that I wasn’t really paying attention to the dynamics of the people, you know, around me or whatever. Yeah. That’s you respecting yourself because you’re, you’re not just assuming just because somebody blames you that you’re at fault.

You may be at fault, you’re open to it, but it, but you’re being objective about it and, and just being like, okay, well, um. I was at fault this, in this regard, but not in this regard. And that’s respect as opposed to just immediately throwing yourself under the bus, which is, um, not respecting. And then, like we were saying, it just the injustice of that starts to make you wanna blow.

Yeah.

Okay. And then another turnaround. People don’t respect me. Um, people do respect me.

I mean, like the first thing is just that some people respect me and, um,

I don’t know what strangers think of me.

So I’m kind of

like, it’s sort of, I find often. I assume the worst. And then when I get to know people, I see something else. So it’s kind of like people do respect me. I don’t know what they think of me. I’m just making it up. Um,

and I mean, when I noticed, like those girls said to me after I told them, they said, you totally disrespected us. And then I said, I was just humiliated, like I’m just embarrassed. But they thought I disrespected them. Like I thought I was better and, and I was actually feeling down here trying to get up to their level.

Yeah. So people do respect me. It could be when someone’s rude to me that they’re being like me, um, feeling to put down and trying to get up, and so they’re trying to take me down when they to do it. But I certainly, actually, people do respect me, I mean. I’ve never insulted anyone who, uh, I felt higher. I felt better than I’ve only ever insulted people when I feel like a, some kind of threat.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, people may respect you more than you give them credit for. Um, you think. It’s just hard to know without, uh, when you’re filtering it through this idea that people don’t respect you, you’ll see the worst every time. And it’s nice to just experiment with being as objective as you can be about that or just assume or just coming to the conclusion that, I don’t know, um, instead of going to the conclusion that they don’t respect me.

Um, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I, I, I started this with this other incident in mind of, with my wedding dress where I had an argument with the dress maker. And now as we’re talking, it’s like, oh yeah, I really had the story for why that happened. And now as we’re talking, it’s like, oh, actually, I don’t know.

There could be a million reasons why it ended up the way it did and, uh, what it might not have been about respect or not, but I really had a very, very specific story of what happened. And what actually happened versus what it meant and where it came from is that part is all made up. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So these stories give us the idea that we’re not being respected.

Yes. And, and the reality, it may not be anything of the sword, but we base our actions on our stories and that’s why it’s so good to question. These stories and see if indeed that’s what’s going on, or if, if something else might be as possible. And if it is, that softens everything because Okay. Uh, they, they may not have been trying to disrespect me.

Um, and yeah, that changes the whole thing. It’s hard to get angry with somebody when, when you don’t see them as disrespecting you. Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Cool. It’s much easier when, I don’t know. What caused their behavior. And I don’t have to pick the unkindness to me interpretation, right? Yeah. That’s also respectful to yourself because it doesn’t draw you into that whole argument.

Um, and it’s also, and so all of these turnarounds help to support you, um, to experience that situation in an easier way, in a more. More balanced way, maybe a more objective way and a less reactive way, quite possibly. So it’s the beliefs that cause the reactions. And so if you want the reactions to stop, question the belief, and as you do that, then you don’t have much of a chance.

You can’t go to war if you don’t label your enemy the enemy. If we always label our enemies some kind of enemy, you know, or target or whatever, we have to dehumanize them somehow and disrespect them, then we can just kill them. Uh, but if the little bit of questioning happens and that doesn’t get, you know, we don’t swallow that, we don’t believe that, then, uh, we wouldn’t, we just wouldn’t even think killing somebody.

We have demonized. These thoughts demonize the other. And then, then when we un demonize them, when in this kind of work, uh, we just start the people, and we’re one of those people.

Anyway. Thank you for your work, really. I love the, the, the realness of that kind of situation and, uh, how relatable it is and the reactions are so relatable. So thank you for sharing it. Thank you. And it’s just wild. That wedding dress thing has been sticking with me forever. Every so often, my mind, and I mean, I’ll, I’ll still work on it, but I feel already like completely different about that, just from working on that.

It’s like, oh my gosh, I was so fixed in that story. That’s the, that’s the coolest thing about doing this work, that you work one thing and something else falls apart. Like they’re all kind of connected in a way, and you. It seems like it’s gonna be infinite. I have to question every stressful thought, but it’s not true.

They, like a lot of ’em fall away together and clumps and, and, uh, yeah. Once you start seeing the pattern, I’m like, oh, I could have been doing that there too. Yeah.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com. Then to the open sessions page, and you can see the upcoming schedule there and sign up. Also, while you’re there, I encourage you to look at the Work 1 0 1, which is my online course, the nine week course, allowing you to get some in-depth training in the work of Byron Katie and begin a practice of it.

Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called Hypocrisy of Don’t Be Negative.

A lot of people spend their lives running from storms, but it doesn’t get rid of the storms. The result is just fear. No one likes negativity. I think this dislike is built into our systems. We shun everything unpleasant and seek everything pleasant. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. Nothing wrong with preferences.

The problem comes when shunning unpleasantness becomes an obsession, and when it becomes filled with fear and is and a desire to control, that’s when shunning negativity becomes negative self. Very ironic, some of the most negative people I know are dedicated to destroying negativity. I recognize this tendency in myself too.

I think we all do it to some degree. It comes out in statements like don’t be so negative, and it comes with a fear that allowing any negativity to be brought up will result in that negativ negativity, growing out of control. But ironically, you’re not bringing it up can make it grow out of control even more negativity thrives in suppression.

Non-truth thrives in the dark. So pushing negativity away is not an effective mean of controlling it. What is much more effective is to move towards it with the light of inquiry, bring in the light and the shadows evaporate, move towards the mirage, and it disappears because it was never really there to begin with.

Negativity only seems real, but in reality, only I can label something as negative or positive. Negativity is a judgment. The judgment in my own mind, and if I question my own judgments, I come to see the truth that even the worst thing in the world is not negative in and of itself. It only becomes negative when I see it that way, and it stops being negative the moment I stop seeing it that way.

This is the power of self-inquiry and the awareness that it can bring. I’ll end with a quote from Byron Katie from her book. I Need Your Love. Is it True? This is a quote from someone, uh, one of her participants that reported, uh, this experience. I used to hate my husband’s negativity. Now I embrace it because it shows me where I have some negativity about something within me.

I realized that if I didn’t believe my thoughts about my husband’s negativity. I wouldn’t be upset when he criticizes me. Now I don’t shut down. I actually listen to what he has to say and I can find where it’s true. I’m getting to know a pretty amazing man after nine years of being with him.

So thanks for listening, and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, post something on social media or leave a review for it if you haven’t done so. And stop by the work as meditation.com to get my newsletter, participate in open sessions like this one here. You’ll also find hundreds of articles there as well as the courses that I offer, including the Work 1 0 1 Virtual Retreat, uh, inquiry Circle, and Private sessions as well.

So thanks for being here. Thanks for listening, and I hope you have a great week.