What if Your Partner Is Negative About Your Inner Work? How to Avoid Overwhelm When Others Don't Understand

Client: Yeah, I would like to do the work on my concern about fire season. I.

Todd: Okay. So let’s see. What is your concern about fire season as a retired firefighter? I know,

Client: yeah. You know, um, some, I live in Southern California and, uh, we’ve been having a lot of rain and it usually at this time of year, it’s usually pretty dry and brown.

Um. The things haven’t had a chance to get very large or tall, but the grasses haven’t had a chance to get too tall. So they’re, they’re brown. But most of the fires that start occurring in the next couple of months normally, um, are you can, they can reach them quickly and put ’em out. But with the amount of rain that we’ve had, um, there’s stuff out there taller than me and the fire load is humongous.

I don’t know. [00:13:00] You know, it’s like, and we live in a high fire zone. In fact, there are a lot of people in my neighborhood who can’t get fire insurance. It’s really high, high fire zone. So I’m just worried that it’s gonna be, you know, my house is gonna burn down kind of thing. Even if it’s insured. I, we do have insurance, but, um, but you know, it’s still, you don’t want your house to burn down.

Todd: Yeah. Okay, great. Well, let’s do the work on that.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Your house is gonna burn down this summer because of the fire season, because of the, all the extra rain that has made the plant so strong, so large, all

Client: that extra growth.

Todd: Yeah. So is that true? Your house is gonna burn down?

Client: No. I mean, it’s still here.

Todd: Yep. No, for certain. [00:14:00] Alright. Okay. No proof yet that it’s going to burn down. Yeah, it’s a good theory but not a fact yet. Okay, cool. Yeah. So how do you react when the, the mind starts believing this, that the house, your house is going to burn down?

Client: I, um, well, I. Remember a time when we were living just a little bit south of here and there were, um, nine fires that had been started by an arsonist all around us, and we were in the middle of them.

So even if we were to evacuate, we would’ve had to go through a fire to evacuate and everything burned around us except our neighborhood. And, you know, it’s like, how, how can that happen? And yet, the whole time it was very stressful because. Everything was burning around us. Um, we’ve had, I think about the fires that we have had here and access [00:15:00] and the, pretty much the amount of water that we’ve had, it’s been flooding.

So next will be dry and then fires, right? Yeah. And, uh, yeah. And so it’s like. I’m almost, I’m the, I’m seeing this future, like I should start saying goodbye to my house now. You know, just kind and then make a list of the things that I’d be, you know, having a plan, of course, for evacuation, but it’s like, don’t get too attached to my house.

’cause it might burn down. Yeah. And, and then I, I’m already sad. I’m already experiencing the loss, you know, and then I. And then the only thing that makes me feel better is that it’s insured, so it would get rebuilt and you know, I’d be able to build it the way I want it, but that’s not. That wasn’t on [00:16:00] my list of things to do when I got old, rebuilding a house.

Gotcha.

It would be more along the lines of, you know, I wouldn’t know what I’d wanna do, but I just don’t, just don’t feel like dealing with fire anymore. You know? It’s like, because. I know the access. You know, from my experience, I know the access here would be nearly impossible and our neighborhood would not be the first one they would be saving.

So yeah, it’s like it’s, and it’s not, it’s not even like a really bad thought. It’s just that tiny little hanging over the head, you know? Back. Back door thought that comes in and just kind of holds a shadow over you.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But

Client: even those things I don’t want anymore. [00:17:00] So I, I wanna do the work on every little thing that bugs me.

Yeah. It’s just that little shadow. ’cause something underneath it, underneath it is really dark.

Todd: Yeah. Like a part of you is already mourning the loss of your house while it’s still standing and there’s no

Client: actual Exactly, exactly problem. And I don’t know if it’s gonna get dry. I mean, we never had this much rain.

It might stay rain, it’s still raining. I mean, not today, but it’s gonna rain tomorrow. And, but it’s like, well maybe our, our climate is changing enough so that it’s gonna be nice and green here from now on. Who knows, it might not burn anymore, but Right. But when you’re

Todd: thinking this, that your house is gonna burn down, then you already can see the flames, right?

And you see the images from the last fires, and then it’s gonna be this time and the lack of access, or you know, just all of those flames.

Client: And then it’s like, and then what would it take to, you know, how much [00:18:00] effort it takes to rebuild or to find all the things that you wish you had remembered to take with you as you’re evacuating or right.

You know, it’s,

Todd: you feel the loss of those. You feel the burden. I already feel tired of rebuilding.

Client: You’re gonna do that. I’m already exhausted from the thought. Right. I’ll just go stay in a little apartment for old people or something.

Todd: Right, right. And nothing’s happened, but the mind has gone on this trip.

Like it’s all like, oh my gosh. It’s created a whole future. And is, is suffering as a result of it. And so, yeah, this is how you react like every thought,

Client: right?

Todd: Yep. Yep.

Client: And then I play, you know, I travel a lot for work and so I’m not even home all the time. So if the, if then I worry my husband and my dog, you know, are they gonna, the crazy thought, is my husband gonna remember to grab all the documents.

Todd: Right? Totally. [00:19:00]

Client: But the dog is first. Right. Get the dog out first and leave everything else and yeah, it’s too funny. So you go around, I go around the house saying goodbye to everything alre. Wow. Now so that I won’t have to feel at the loss.

Todd: Yeah. How’s that working?

Client: Right? Yeah. I mean, it’s not a bad idea to purge the things that you don’t want, but I’m already mourning the loss of things

Todd: that, exactly.

Client: So

Todd: who would you be without the thought that your house is going to burn down?

Client: The first thing that comes to me is, well, my house might burn down. Yay.

And that’s not usually my, I don’t usually go to the yay part, so it’d be like there’s an enormous amount of responsibility to have a house. You know, and we got one that needed a little fixing up because we wanted to fix it up our [00:20:00] way. And um, and that’s a lot of work. So if the house, you know, the house might burn down, I.

And or there could be an earthquake and it could get swallowed up, you know? Mm-hmm. Or a spaceship just land on it.

Todd: But the question is, who would you be without the thought that your house is going to burn down if you weren’t? It’s like even seeing all that green grass.

Client: Oh, there’s just a hundred different things that could go wrong

Todd: if it isn’t fire, it’s earthquake or spaceships.

Exactly.

Client: Like, yeah. Wow. What an interesting fantasy. How many different ways can your house be destroyed? And then it becomes funny.

Todd: Look, you’re almost looking for a way, and then the southern long green grass in the rain, and you’re like, okay, this is gonna be it.

Client: Yeah, and the [00:21:00] hills are gorgeous, right? And so, so then I see all the green and all the flowers and the, and the lushness of our trees, and the air is cleaner and it’s just absolutely gorgeous. And I sit and or take the dog for a walk through the woods or something and it’s, and it’s just, I appreciate it while I have it kind of thing.

And I don’t know if it’ll be here tomorrow. I don’t know if I will, so I may as well just be in the now and enjoy how beautiful it is in Southern California. Yeah.

Todd: Cool. Yeah. So that thought makes a big difference. Yeah. With it, there’s a lot of future and a lot of, um, mourning and future loss happening already and without it, um, taking a walk in the woods, I get

Client: to enjoy everything right now.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: So [00:22:00] turnaround, oh, my house isn’t gonna burn down. It’ll be the only one that doesn’t.

Todd: Possible. Mm-hmm.

Client: I don’t be the one that’s still standing, just like you see the pictures of tornadoes. Right. And 50 houses are gone and one’s completely untouched.

Todd: Yep. Yep.

Client: And everyone else. So you just never know a nicer house.

And I’ll, I’ll be stuck with this one. No, that’s, I’m just being funny. I’m sorry, what’d you say? Um,

Todd: just, no, just more along those lines of like, my house is not going to burn down. How that could be true. How could there have any evidence to support that? I don’t.

Client: Um, there have been fires around here for a long time, and this house has been here since the early 1970s.

Mid seventies hasn’t burned down yet, and we have fires every year.

Todd: It’s a pretty good track record. Yeah.

Client: Yeah. And we have, we live right next to Camp Pendleton and they have fires all year round. [00:23:00] It hasn’t gotten out.

Todd: Okay.

Client: So,

Todd: yeah.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So it might, but it might not. Also, so far. It hasn’t. It’s not. And can you imagine over since 19, what did you say, 70 or so?

It’s, I think it many. 6 76. Okay. So there may have been some years where it was really rainy during the winter and large, uh, you know, grass was taller. And who knows? I don’t know. The, it would be interesting to know whether, uh. Whether that happened or not, or whether this is really unique this year or not.

Um,

Client: that’s a good point. I could look in the history I want it to. Yeah.

Todd: Right. So it’s possible that this, uh, has been avoided even in similar conditions. It’s just a guess at this point.

Client: Yeah. And Camp Pendleton would, um, [00:24:00] protect. The houses before it. I mean, if their fire got outta control, then the Camp Pendleton Fire Department and our fire department, and we’ve got a lot of fire engines here and helicopters and everything, and they’d protect the houses.

They’re very competent and and well funded. So that’s a good thing.

Todd: Yeah, that’s a plus. That’s a plus. Yeah.

Client: So, um, my house might flood. It might float away

the rain, sweep it out.

Todd: That might be true, or you don’t have to do a different piece of work on that one.

Client: I think I’d rather have it burn down than deal with water damage.

Todd: Right.

Client: So my thoughts will burn down. Yeah. My thoughts about keeping my stuff will burn down and that would be a [00:25:00] good thing. ’cause I’d like to burn some of my thoughts about my stuff.

Todd: Hmm.

Client: Yeah, that there’s a certain amount of freedom in the thought that I’m not having to mentally or emotionally protect something from nature. Right? Like I, there’s just, there’s just what happens.

It would be nice to burn my thoughts down about losing things that I, I, it’s, it almost feels like an artificial attachment. I don’t feel attached to anything. I’ve moved so many times in my life that, and started over so many times in my life that it’s, it’s just starting over again. That’s all it would be.

[00:26:00] Mm-hmm. And each time it ended up better than the way it was. And so my thoughts about losing everything, I don’t need them.

Todd: Yeah, I mean that may be why the mind is going to and getting attached on the idea of the house burning down, it’s like along the same lines of burning down. Attachments in your mm-hmm. To things that is of interest to you. So, um,

Client: yeah. Yeah. And it, let’s say I’ve walked away from a life where I just had some of my clothes in my car and, um, I didn’t, I don’t even remember what I had, but I, you know, let alone did I feel the loss of it.

Todd: Right.

Client: So. Yeah. Another

Todd: way with the same [00:27:00] Go ahead, just say something.

Client: No, go ahead.

Todd: Uh, I was just gonna say, another way of playing with that is like, my thinking about my, my, my thinking, uh, is already burning down. Like my thinking is already burning the house. Um, so there’s the thi the house in my thinking, I’m burning down already, and then there’s.

The real house, which is not burning down.

Client: Right? It does. Incidentally, if it, the idea of a house burning down does make me realize my priorities. When we were threatened just a little bit, um, with a fire, I don’t know about last year, and I was traveling and the only thing I called my husband and said, just get out with the dog.

That’s all I care about. You know, whatever you feel like taking, but. As far as I’m concerned, just get out with the dog. Mm-hmm. So my, my priorities were very clear [00:28:00] at that moment. There was nothing in the house that was gonna be needing saving. I mean, I already had my coffee mug with me, so I was good.

’cause that would be the only thing I would run back in for, is my coffee mug.

Todd: In a way, your house has already burned down in your mind. Like it’s, there’s not much you’re worried about. Exactly. So is there a problem if it actually burns down in reality?

Client: Yeah, it’d be like everything in here is replaceable.

You know? In fact, everything in here has been something that it replace something else, so,

Todd: right.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: And like you said, you have insurance, so,

Client: right. And I’ve got the. Uh, iCloud. So if I, even if I were to lose my computer and my work equipment or things like that, I still have access to my stuff. So, you know, it’s like, yeah, and it’s definitely, it’s insured for sure.

There’s plenty of insurance on it, so I wouldn’t have any trouble [00:29:00] replacing whatever I wanted. So maybe it’d be cool. Not that I want it to, but you know, it’d be like, no,

Todd: it’s not that you’re looking to create that or want that, or something like that, but it’s just an open mind. Like, okay, so if I, if it burns down, no big deal.

I mean, it is, it’s a, there are different things involved, but it’s not, it’s not, uh, so bad and okay. Then the mind doesn’t have to worry about the rain. Right. It’s like, okay,

Client: then I can appreciate the green. Yes. Yes. Because it’s usually pretty brown here.

Todd: Yes. Like the ultimate outcome. The ultimate place where we can land here is that.

It’s, it’s fine either way. You know, I’d probably prefer that my house doesn’t burn down, but if it does burn down, it’s, um, it’ll be okay. Uh, [00:30:00] and then, then it’s like there’s nothing, there’s a freedom there because whatever nature does is gonna be okay,

Client: and it, it helps me release a attachment. And without that attachment, I’m free to just love everything.

And then. I, my experience has been once I really do love something, I don’t need it anymore.

Todd: Hmm.

Client: Yeah. That’s, that’s been interesting for me. I’ve noticed once I really experience loving and appreciating something, then it’s, it’s like I don’t covet it, you know? Yeah. Yeah, it’s free

Todd: to go or free to stay.

Yeah, exactly. But, uh, it’s, it’s necessity has been then removed somehow. There’s, yeah, there’s a freedom there. Yeah.

Client: Yeah. Thanks.

Todd: So Very cool. Now [00:31:00] there’s a little flavor of that, even with your house.

Client: Yeah.