Why Decision-Making Feels So Overwhelming for Highly Sensitive People—and How The Work of Byron Katie Helps

Client: That’s the best part really for me, of these open sessions that we just get to go wherever. Uh, the moment takes us. [00:04:00] Um, I definitely have some things, but I, I feel like I want to wait and give everyone else a chance first.

Todd: Well, good luck with that.

I have a feeling. Is there anyone else who’d like to, um. Say something or do the work or anything. Ryan, it’s yours. Go for it.

Client: Well, thanks. I suppose it’s been a minute since I’ve been here. I’ve attended a few of these open sessions, but it’s been, oh geez, I don’t know, coming up on a year almost, or many months.

So, um, I’ve actually, uh. Thank you. It’s nice to be back really. And, uh, I sort of jumped on today and was like, let me sign up for everything. And this was the first thing. So, so in a sense, I’m renewing my engagement with the work of [00:05:00] Iron Katie on this call. Um, uh, there have been some moments. Thank you everyone who’s been involved in this community, and thank you, Todd, because there have been some moments since I sort of fell out of practice and got away where it’s really been, uh, an incredible resource, um, to use the work of Iron and Katie, but I haven’t been doing it so much, uh, for a while.

Um, so I have two things. Uh, the first is, uh, just sort of. A kind of a question and then also a few things I brought to, to actually do the work on. Okay. I suppose, I suppose.

Todd: Well, let’s see,

Client: and they’re probably related to the first thing.

Todd: Okay, so what’s the first thing?

Client: Okay. Um, yeah, when before I was getting on, I, I like what you said about, it’s everything.

’cause I was like, oh, I could do the work on that, or I could do the work on that. And I quickly realized I could do the work on anything. So that means there’s so [00:06:00] many, so much freedom. Um, so when I, when I sort of sat with what was going on inside me before I got on this call and, and you know. I, I’m noticing my, my thoughts and my, my inner world.

Um, and there’s expectations, you know, around what I want to get out of it and what should I do and what should I say, all that sort of thing. And then it kind of quickly went to, you know, what’s the big thing in my life? What’s the big thing that’s bothering me? Uh, let’s, let’s start there. Um, and, and what really came up for me was.

A kind of a question around, to put it simply and to just state it, how can the work help me make decisions in real time in my life? The work is very contemplative and, and it’s a process of inquiry and, and I’m specifically thinking of, uh, maybe a [00:07:00] stressful situation where, uh, I continually come back to the work to help me deal with the stress of the situation.

Let’s say to do my inner work to show up better in the situation, but how, how, what’s the connection, if any, between that and the situation changing or deciding to change the situation? Uh, and I’m, this is about it. I think I’m almost done. Thanks for your patience. Um, as just a, a, just a garden variety example.

Uh, maybe I have a job I don’t like very much and I’m doing the work a lot to try to fit in there or for it to work well for me and not be stressful, but maybe I find, you know, it continues to be a source of stress. Maybe I don’t belong there.

Todd: Hmm. Yeah.

Client: Yeah. So I think that example captures it. Thank you.

Todd: It’s a great example and it’s an important one. Um, what I always say is that the work [00:08:00] is not for making decisions. Um, I don’t, I don’t use the work to make decisions. Um, there, it’s a separate thing, but it helps in a different way in making decisions. And, uh, so what I mean by that is. The work just deals with stress.

Um, and it deals with it in a very specific way. It’s deals with it in terms of. Changing how I see a situation rather than changing the situation itself. Um, there are two ways to deal with stress. One is change the situation. If I can, I will. Um, the other is change. I. How I’m seeing the situation. And the nice thing about that is even if I can’t change the situation, I still have options for seeing it and experience it, experiencing it in a more peaceful way.

So that’s where the work, it’s like a fallback. It’s there. It’s always there. It as an option to find [00:09:00] peace, make peace. With any kind of situation, but I say that I don’t use it to make decisions, um, because a decision is, okay, I should do this or I should do this, which one should I do? It’s a question and it’s sort of mm-hmm.

Um, it, it has to do with the field of action really. Um, and. Decisions are a personal thing. They come from somewhere. Kind of similar to when you’re doing the work, you’re looking inside, but the actual decision making process, usually it’s a very personal thing and you, and you just say, okay, I’m gonna do this.

It’s like taking action. I’m just gonna go that direction, or I’m gonna go this direction.

Mm-hmm.

Todd: So even though I don’t use the work to make decisions, what. How the work helps me with decisions is that it allows me to, um, become less stressed about the situation. So say I’m in a job I don’t like [00:10:00] and I’m really stressed about it, then.

My brain is like compressed, right? Mm-hmm. Everything is really tight and really I’m anxious. I’m angry. Maybe I am frustrated. Uh, I’m reactive. And so anything the boss does or anything that, some task I don’t like, I’m fluctuating from anger. And then maybe I’m, maybe I’m doing the work and getting a little calmer again, but then I’m getting anger again and like it’s all this.

This bottled up emotion, uh, that’s happening. And, and so when I’m under the influence of a lot of emotion, my decision making ability is not very good. Uh, I’m gonna just take the first thing, first, first train outta here. I’m, I’m gone. Right? Like, and so people throw away good jobs that they liked 90% of the time because 10% of it they didn’t like.

And, um, you know, they become reactive. So. When you do the [00:11:00] work, you take that job that you liked 90% of the time, let’s say, or maybe it was you only liked it 10% of the time. Doesn’t matter, but. The job that was making you angry. You take it, you do the work on some situations there. And what happens in my experience is the anger starts to go down.

Like, okay, that’s not my first preference. This job isn’t exactly a good fit for me. I can kind of see that, but I’m not angry about it. I’m, I’m like, okay, at least it’s paying the bills right now. Uh, it’s a good stepping stone. It’s who knows what, what I like about it. Um. So what the work does is it takes the pressure off of the situation.

It just lets me relax into, okay, this isn’t perfect, but I’m okay with it for now and I’ll keep my eye out for maybe there’s a better job. And then when the job good, better job does come along, then great. I, I switch jobs. Um, or I [00:12:00] may switch jobs or I may just find that I’m. This was actually a great job for me after all.

I mean, who knew that that can happen as well? Mm-hmm. So the work is just about reducing the, the stressful experience in this situation. But, uh, a lot of people misunderstand the work and think that that means you just have to stay in this situation. And that’s not true. Uh, that’s why I say decision making is one thing.

Doing the work is another thing. Another way of saying that is. The work is about getting clear inside, getting more peaceful inside, and then there’s action, which is a totally separate thing. So I can be peaceful whether or not I take action. They’re two separate independent things, and maybe I just take action and don’t do the work and I get some peace from that.

Right? Or maybe I do the work and I don’t take action and it’s good enough for me. I’m, I’m peaceful enough in that situation. Or maybe I. [00:13:00] Do the work, find some peace, and still take action and leave that job. Uh, and, and that’s fine too. So just a, it’s just a matter of seeing that these are two independent things.

That’s, that’s the main point that I’m trying to make here. Um, so if I’m stuck in trying to make a decision, what I’ll usually do, first of all, I can do a piece of work on decision making that can be interesting. I need to make a decision. Right now, is it true you, oh, I need to make a decision, and just questioning that thought can sometimes take the pressure off right away.

But then secondly, I. Uh, I’ll just do the work on the situation, say, in this job or whatever, and, and I start getting clearer and clearer, um, about what’s causing my stress. Is it my job or is it my thinking? And as I become clearer about that, I become more relaxed. And in that relaxed state I can take. [00:14:00] Uh, a, a wide view of my situation and ask myself, is this really the best place for me?

And it’s not coming from reaction. Gotta get outta here. It’s more coming at like, where would I like to be? Where could I go and what kind of job would be suited for me? And you start being creative and, and, um, resourceful when you’re not stressed. So that’s the way I see the work. It’s a meditation and it’s just about like getting clearer, getting more calm, getting easier, being more, uh, relaxed and less stressed in a situation.

But just because I’m relaxed and not stressed doesn’t mean I can’t change the situation too. You can do both or you can do either and those are options. So I don’t know if that addresses what you were, um, thinking about in,

Client: in so many ways. I’m, I’m still taking it in. Thank, thank you, Todd. Um, it, it just, you know, I guess one small [00:15:00] response would be that, um, I’m, I’m recognizing kind of where the, where the, the issue comes from internally and, and, and, uh, just your response just helps me remember.

In a, in a kind of a felt way, like, oh, right. That that’s how this, this works again. Um, so I could see how even the question was coming from a kind of a stressful place and how there’s some pressure around needing to make a decision, which is not, not really real. Um, it, it strikes me that, that, you know, it’s, it’s a lesson that I’ll, or a, or a, a realization that I just will continue to have that acceptance Doesn’t mean.

Acquiescence, or it doesn’t mean not taking action, uh, which is just something I was conditioned like many of us to, to assume. And, uh, I’m still working through that conditioning, but I I love what you highlighted about Yeah, just, I [00:16:00] mean, that makes, makes total sense from experience with talking about, uh, getting a new perspective and maybe the shift in perspective.

Um, opens up new possibilities. Maybe it’s okay to remain where we’re at, but that’s really another, another thing. Um, yeah, yeah,

Todd: yeah. Basically we’re just, we’re just looking inside and seeing if we can find, uh, a more, a broader way of seeing things and in that broader way of seeing things. We, we may change or we may not change, uh, but it’s gonna be in a more peaceful place usually.

So, yeah, sometimes I talk about the work. The purpose of the work is, is to experience. Life in a more peaceful way. That’s all. It’s not about getting to any end goal in terms of action or doing, it’s just if you’re, if you can feel content in the same job, great. If you feel better changing [00:17:00] jobs, great.

There’s just no, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. There’s, it has no strings attached. It has no preconceived notions of what you should or shouldn’t do or anything like that. It’s just, okay, how can you find peace? That’s what it’s about. It

Client: helps you to work, to hear, at least for me and my experience, what, whatever’s going on really at the core, you know, getting, getting through the layers into the quieter places where I can hear what’s really, you know, how I really feel about the situation, um, what’s really important for me and what I, what I need in life.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. So. So you said you might be interested in doing a little bit of work. Do you still wanna do, try something?

Client: Sure. I’d love to. I’d love to to open the floor if anyone else wants to take some time. But I do have a thing if, if, if that’s where we’re going.

Todd: Okay. Does anyone else want to jump in? Nope.

Looks like you’re still, uh, you’re still good to go? Still in the

Client: hot seat. Okay, here we [00:18:00] go. Uh, well actually, uh, yeah, there were a couple things, but it really kind of, uh, landed for me when you said, I need to make a decision. Um, and, and I can tell that that’s, uh. I remember we’ve talked about, uh, when you have a situation, you know, maybe writing down or going through internally the set of beliefs around it or thoughts around it that are causing some stress and maybe pulling out the top handful as a good place to start.

Certainly, I need to make a decision about this is, is a, is a source of stress.

Todd: Okay. Well let’s do it. So good. So you need to make a decision about this. Is that true?

Client: I know it’s not, I know it’s not true. Uh, but let me, hold on. Let me, let me take a second and just try to like, answer from what’s what, you know, like, [00:19:00] is that alive in me?

You know, not just a mental response.

I mean, yes, yes. It is true in a feeling sense.

Todd: Yeah. Nice to look a little deeper and see what’s still alive in you. Yeah, that’s that’s honest. Yeah. So can you absolutely know it’s true, you need to make a decision about this?

Client: No, there’s definitely room for. The unknown. What, what I haven’t seen yet. What may change.

Todd: Yeah. So how do you react? What happens when you think that you need to make a decision about this?

Client: Just kind of tuning into like my, my body response first. [00:20:00] Um, I, like, I, I get a little, a little charged. Uh. When I hold that thought, I, I sort of tense up a little bit throughout my body. Not a lot, but a little. So there’s a kind of, um, a readiness like. Maybe, maybe to to bolt or something. Almost the feeling of like, Hey, it’s time to run.

Uh, let’s not, let’s not linger here too long, like in, in, in a body sense. I feel my body respond like it wants to run somewhere. Um, which is interesting.

I have to make a decision. Now I have to make a decision now.

Yeah. Well, well [00:21:00] there’s also, yeah, there, there’s something like a, a pressure, but it’s a kind of a Yeah, it’s a time pressure.

Mm-hmm.

Client: Yeah. It’s like, okay, we have a deadline. No more time to reflect. So it’s a, it’s a certain flavor of stress. That I’m well familiar with and I’m, I’m not surprised that I’m seeing a flavor of stress that I’m familiar with in this process.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. That’s the funny thing about this is the same, same mind here and new situation.

Client: Yeah, exactly. Oh yeah, we’re doing it again. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I see that, um, that’s interesting.

Todd: So I need to make a decision about this. How else do you react

to

make a decision about this? I need to make a decision.[00:22:00]

Client: I just, what keeps coming up for me is this is this no time thing and has a flavor of like, I can’t really, I. Think about it, which is, it’s funny, I know, I know that when I’m in this situation or in other times, I, I do take time to think about it, but what’s alive right now with that thought is I can’t take anymore.

I can’t do this anymore. Or I, I need to, need to move on. I need to, need to do something about it, kind of a. You know, it’s almost a need for action really. Um, but, but there’s a little, there’s a little stress around that. Yeah. Um,

impatience. I’m, I’m impatient.

Todd: Mm-hmm.

Client: Um,[00:23:00]

Todd: and do you see any images from the past or future when you think you need to make a decision about this?

Client: This, the few flickers, um, of past hurts around the situation. Uh, but they’re, they’re pretty faint. I have a sense, I have a sense that I have something protective kind of holding these things at arm’s length. Yeah.

I’m remembering, I’m remembering, uh,

I’m getting faint flickers of, yeah, memories of, of hurts, but, but I don’t feel that very strongly.

Todd: So who would you be without the thought, you need [00:24:00] to make a decision about this? Would you be today?

Client: Just hearing the question made my whole body relax. I mean, I, I don’t know. I just know that’s what was, that’s how I responded. Yeah. That, that was the response. I went,

Todd: ah. Yeah. In a way that’s all you need to know, right? So who am I? I’m, ah, yes.

Client: That’s

Todd: who I’m better than any words. Yeah.

Client: And then a, and then a bit of a laugh.

Mm-hmm.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So that experience, as always shows how the thought affects you. I need to make a decision tense [00:25:00] without the thought I. Oh, so fairly immediate and immediate. It’s just all we did was, look, imagine who would you be without the thought and without any details. It was clearer without the thought.

I need to make a decision easier. So I quite a few

Client: thoughts around, uh, sorry to speak over you. Uh. Uh, uh, just immediate, like, oh, no, I totally don’t. I mean, because, because I, I, I literally don’t, um, without saying too much about the situation, I wouldn’t need to make any choices for two, like, two weeks,

right?

Client: Like, I, I just don’t have to do that now. There’s only just something that is unresolved around it, so that creates a, a nuisance maybe. Or, or there can be a feeling of nuisance around that, but it’s not, it’s not pressing.

Todd: Yeah. So you’ve already [00:26:00] moved right into a turnaround. Let’s just go there. It’s that the turnaround is, I don’t need to make a decision about this.

Not for two weeks. Anyway. That’s a lot of time.

Client: I totally don’t. Yeah. And, and uh, even beyond that, I think, um, I, I suppose that’s just, um, I dunno how to say it. My, my. Kind of my logical or my mathematical mind going, just finding the absolute minimum. But, but honestly, it’s quite more relaxed around the, it could be be something that takes place over the, uh, course of months.

Really. Wow. So, um, so the turnaround is, I don’t have to make a decision now. Um, I’m, what comes up for me is that, uh, I very often notice in my life and, and my past. Um, of course I’m only bringing my, my past into the present as what [00:27:00] I’ve learned, how things go. Uh, but, you know, often decisions don’t have to be made and processes unfold on their own without any intervention.

Um,

Todd: I’ve experienced that

Client: too. I may not need to make any decision here because who knows what the future will bring.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. So it’s a way of putting a lot of pressure on myself, but it may not be, there may be many factors still there be revealed that change and cause the whole thing to develop one way or the other.

Um, yeah. That’s so interesting. I wanna make the decision. Right. But maybe it’s bigger than me. Maybe, maybe it’s almost beyond me in a sense. Um, can be, or maybe I’ll just get clear after a little more time [00:28:00] or a little more input.

Mm-hmm.

Client: Some, some space around. Um, I actually know that this two week period that I mentioned is, is a time for reflection.

So I’ll just sort of add to the turnaround. Uh, I don’t need to make a decision, like I’ve got some time to sit with it, and it’s really an ideal time to be honest.

Mm-hmm. Because

Client: I have some distance from the situation during this time to see it in a new light.

Todd: Perfect. So maybe instead of the turnaround.

Instead of the statement, I need to make a decision about this, it’s, I need to, um, take time or, or be reflective, um, about the allow time for reflection about this. Um, and then see what happens instead of forcing the decision. Right. Yeah. I like

Client: that one. I like that one.

Todd: Yeah, I like it too. [00:29:00]

Client: Maybe we, maybe we can do that turnaround.

Todd: Yeah, I think we kind of are. So any examples that would support you with that, support that turnaround? I need to take time for reflection about this rather than make a decision.

Client: Well, the first thing is that, that’s my, I, I would just say that’s my way. Like I, I’m strongly identified with taking time to make big decisions and reflect and consider all the the angles.

So the first thing is just that it’s. Self-consistent.

Todd: Yeah. Like the other way of forcing yourself to make a decision. It’s almost stepping out of who you are is what I’m hearing. Like that’s not your way, but here, taking a more reflective time and allowing yourself to, to really consider it and look at all the angles and, and come to it a conclusion on your own sounds more in like, more like your integrity there.

Yes. [00:30:00] Yes, that’s, that’s very true. Sometimes I’ve had that experience where I was feeling like I needed to make a decision and then I realized, ’cause people are pressuring me. And then I’d realized the only way I really can make a decision, the way I like to make a decision is to have no time pressure and to just think about it internally myself.

Almost, almost go away and just be with no. Influence for a while. Maybe. I think about it in times where I’m not conversing with others and, and then it just, I play over different things. It’s the way my mind works and then at some point I just kind of feel, okay, I’m gonna go in this way. It may not be the best decision, but it’s the closest I can see and I’m willing to live with it.

And it just lands, you know? But, but that, that takes time. And I used to really get messed up trying to. Do my decisions on a timetable for other people. And it just really, [00:31:00] it was hard.

Client: Yeah. It sounds, um, like a lot of time self-reflecting and, and learning to accept your, your own process. I, I can very strongly relate to that, uh, to what you just said and, um, in the situation I’m in.

As I have through, through no doing of my own, but just the unfolding of events, another a couple weeks to, to do that. I’m recognizing how it’s needed and, and to what you said about, you know, there’s, I don’t wanna get too far off the, off the rails here, but, um, just say, you know, sometime it doesn’t really work well for me.

I, I can’t really hear what’s going on inside. If there’s. Too many people around, like where I’m talking about it with them or I’m, I’m in that [00:32:00] with them in real time. You know, I think that’s part of the process and that’s certainly valuable, but I, I’m somewhat introverted and I need that time if we use that label to, to get inside.

So, so this is to that turnaround, um, that’s just who I am in this, in this life.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And like if I’m really, if I’m really playing with the spirit of this, then, then even the two week deadline, you know, like make sure I don’t use that as a deadline just to like, it’s true. I need, it’s true. I, I need time to reflect how long that’s gonna take.

I don’t know. Um, but I just need to give myself that.

Client: That time. Yeah. Those are the, the, those are the, yeah, I mean it’s, we’re describing an organic process, which doesn’t follow a mechanistic. Okay, well, it ought to be done in two [00:33:00] weeks. I mean, it takes what it takes. How long does it take to write a poem, you know, until it’s done.

Right. How long does it take to make this decision? Once the decision has been made, that will be how long it took. That’s it. You can only know in retrospect. Yeah. Yeah. So, wow. That’s really, huh. This is fun. This, this session of the work has a bit of a different flavor. It’s funny how when you’re away for a while and you come back to something, how it can shift and, and even grow, how things can grow, like without, you know, kind of in the background.

So, um, are we still working with this turnaround? I guess

Todd: if you see anything more otherwise, then I think you’ve landed on some good points.

Client: Yeah, I think what, what I’m. What’s most real for me right now, like I’m actually feeling a lot of loosening up around the whole thing. Um, [00:34:00] what’s coming up for me is how valuable it is to do the work with all of you, because I’m noticing some emotion around this. Um, yeah. If I try to do this by myself, I, I get lost in my own labyrinth.

Or I can, maybe not always, but there’s a easier, it’s easier to do that. So, uh, thank you so much. Actually, I had a bunch of things lined up to say, but I think now all I really just wanna say is thank you and I appreciate everyone.

Todd: Our pleasure. Yeah, just that’s my experience too, being with others. It’s like we all hold each other.

All we’re doing is holding. This process and then you do your own work. But it’s this knowing that there’s a steady keel there and you’re not alone. And we all work through this stuff. It’s a, it’s a nice support. That’s why I created Inquiry Circle so that we can do this kind of work together [00:35:00] and in all its forms and, um, so anyway, thank you for your work.

Really nice to speak with you. Likewise. If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you just heard now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open sessions page and there you can see the upcoming schedule. You can sign up. These are, uh, small groups. The max we can have is seven at a time, so it’s a great way to sit in an intimate setting and do the work.

Ask your questions about the work or join in our discussions about the work. It’s a great way to keep the work lively in your life. And, uh, for every 10 sessions that you participate, you’ll also get a $50 coupon to use at the work as meditation.com. So while you’re at the work as meditation.com, after you go to the [00:36:00] Open sessions page, is where you’ll find all that information.

You can also check out the work one-on-one course, and that course is designed specifically to begin. Your practice of the work. It’s one thing to listen to the work. It’s one thing to dabble in the work, but the real benefit of the work of Byron Katie comes from actually making it a practice. I do it on a daily basis, and many people do it every few days or every week, but some kind of a regular, uh, routine will really support you to go deeper and to have more and more wins from this particular practice.

So if you’re interested in beginning a practice in the work of Byron Gaty, then the Work 1 0 1 is a nine week course where you’re gonna get a lot of experience with the work and you’re going to get a lot of instruction as well as how to do the work. And you’ll have a lot of support. You’ll be a part of our community and you’ll get [00:37:00] to experience, uh, all of that.

So all of it is designed to make your experience of the work. As easy as possible and to be as supported and feel as safe as possible as you begin this practice. So you can find that at the work as meditation.com under the Work 1 0 1. Next, I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles called The Work and Decision Making are two different things.

Do you keep a tenant that is not paying rent? It depends on you. The work helps me find my truth. It does not tell me what to do. This is a big thing that confuses a lot of people. I think, oh, I’m gonna do the work and get told what to do. That’s not how it works. The work helps me find my truth. Sometimes the stressful situations that I bring to the work [00:38:00] involve making some kind of decision.

I’m confused and I don’t know what to do, and I feel stressed, so I bring it to the work. Doing the work helps me take responsibility for my own happiness no matter what situation I find myself in. It helps me question my beliefs and misunderstandings, and often I find new options and situations that seemed impossible, but.

Just because I find a turnaround when doing the work doesn’t mean that I’m obligated to follow it. All I’m looking for in doing the work is my truth, and I can recognize my deepest truth by the way, it makes my internal conflict go away. So when making decisions, the work can support you, but it’s not going to make your decision for you.

Here’s an example. Someone was recently doing the work on her adult daughter who was living at [00:39:00] home with an agreement to pay rent, but she wasn’t paying it. The statement from this person’s judge, your neighbor worksheet was, she should pay me rent, and when she got to the turnaround to the opposite, she should not pay me rent.

She found some examples, but she did not feel so peaceful about the turnaround because she still felt strongly that her daughter should pay the rent. It could be that there were more examples for the turnaround waiting to be found, or it could be that both the turnaround and the original statement are true.

This is important to keep in mind. A turnaround is just one side of it. Um, the original statement that she should pay rent can still make sense even if, um. Even if there’s truth in the turnaround that she should not pay rent in this case, there may be a balance of opposites. And so I find this a lot.

Turnarounds show one side of the story, the original statements shows the other side of the story, and these are kind of a [00:40:00] coexistence of opposites. Uh, and, and that can be an interesting thing to look at. The only way you can comprehend it is to expand your mind, to be able to encompass both sides.

So, for example, the turnaround, she should not pay me rent. Could be about why it’s understandable that she doesn’t pay rent. So that’s one side of it. It’s a chance for me to put myself in her shoes. Maybe she’s not making enough money. Maybe she doesn’t know how to budget. Maybe the agreement was never clear to her, or maybe she has resistance to paying something she never had to pay before.

Or maybe she just doesn’t want to. All of this can give more understanding and compassion for her, but it doesn’t mean that I have to become a doormat because of this newfound compassion. Compassion and being clear and honest and strong with myself can coexist. I may still find [00:41:00] the truth, I may still find truth in the idea that she should pay rent.

That may be just my truth. Um, and this is an invitation for me to expand my mind to see if I can hold both sides. Can I hold? She should pay rent, and I get it. Why she doesn’t. If I do, then I’m gonna be in a compassionate place, but I’m also not going to throw myself under the bus. I might agree with the turnaround.

I might see that it has, that it is completely her business, what she does. Um, I can see that I, I can’t control her. That’s a really important thing to see. But I can also be clear that it’s completely my business, what I do. So I’m getting clear through this work. What’s her business? What’s my business?

Her business is whether she pays rent or not. I can’t control that. My business is, whether I keep her as a tenant or not. That’s my business. [00:42:00] So if I don’t want her living here for rent free, then it’s a simple conversation about how rent free doesn’t work for me. It’s not about her at all. I stay in my business and she’s free to move somewhere else or to pay the rent.

It’s her choice. I’m no longer wanting to control her. So that’s the key point here. Once I stop trying to control her, once I stay step out of her business, step clearly into mine, then. There’s really not an issue. Either she’s going to leave because she, uh, doesn’t want to pay rent, or she’s gonna decide to pay rent, and either way is fine.

So I’m just honoring my truth and respecting whatever she does with it. It’s only about my truth. If on the other hand, my truth is that having her stay is actually more important to me than having her pay rent. Or if I prefer not to charge rent to family members, [00:43:00] say maybe that’s an exception to my overall rule about paying rent.

Then I can go the other way with my actions by honoring that truth, this is completely up to me. So the key is looking in and finding out what’s important to me. Maybe paying rent is the most important thing for me, and I need to stand up for that. I need to be honest with that, and I need to let her know so that she can make her decision.

But maybe having her there is the most important thing for me. And so I need to be honest with that and stand up for that and get clear on that. Um, and if that’s the case, then understand that rent may not be the, uh, result of that. Once I understand the turnaround, she should not pay me rent. I’m no longer fighting with reality.

I get it. I may be easy or I may be firm, or I may work out some kind of compromise. But in that space, even an [00:44:00] eviction can come from a place of love and understanding. All the work does is help me step back into my business and take responsibility for my part instead of feeling victimized by how the other person should be different than they are.

Once I do that, I’m often freer to act according to what feels best for me. When I don’t do that, what happens is I’m waiting. I’m putting the the responsibility on the per other person. I’m waiting for her to. Somehow get it and save me from having to actually do my own investigation and find out what’s actually true for me.

Once I do that, it’s very easy to just come out and say, you know what? Rent’s not important. What’s important for me is having you here or go inside and find out rent is really important. That’s what I’m gonna stand up for. Here’s my offer. Either pay rent, or um, we’ll have to ask you to leave. So this is what freedom looks [00:45:00] like and it comes from doing the work on this stressful situation.

So I’ll end with a quote from Byron Katie from her book. I Need Your Love. Is it true? I’m the only one responsible for my life. For my health, my feelings, and my happiness when my neediness died away, what was left was love.

So thanks for listening. And be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, post something on social media, leave a review for the podcast, uh, wherever you listen to your podcast. That helps a lot. And stop by the work as meditation.com to get my newsletter or to participate in open sessions like the one you heard here today.

And you’ll also find hundreds of articles there on the work of Byron Katie, as well as information about the Work 1 0 1 and the Work 1 0 2, which are my main courses for the [00:46:00] work, uh, virtual retreats, which happen every three months and are, uh, a weekend of the work on online. And my Inquiry Circle group, which is an ongoing practice group, has been going for many years and it’s a great place to.

Do the work on a regular basis. You’ll also find private sessions there where you can work one-on-one with me. There’s a Living With Money course, as I mentioned. Uh, there’s a Finding the Door to Inquiry book, and I’m, um, also creating new programs over time that will continue to get added to the work as meditation.com.

So thanks again for being here. Thanks for listening. And until next time, have a great [00:47:00] week.