Excluded from Family Decisions? Managing Overwhelm and Stress as a Highly Sensitive Person

Client: Um, a situation is that, [00:05:00] uh, uh, my mom passed away earlier this year and my sister, who, uh, is executor, um, uh, uh, named the executor anyway, she, um, sent out this footstool. That I didn’t want Timmy. And uh, it cost quite a bit for shipping. And my sister’s so frugal all the time. I mean, she’s a really big time penny pincher.

So I was appalled that she would send this without at least calling me saying, do you know how much it’s gonna cost? You know, ’cause I, I told her, gee, I could have, next time I see her, I could, um, send it back as one of my pieces of luggage for her, you know? Really. So it just, I don’t know why I did, but it just really pushed my buttons and, uh, I even got a little snappy with her on my email and, uh, which I’m not real proud of, but, you know, I just was saying, I was just surprised that she would do that.

Uh, anyway, so, [00:06:00] um, my statement would be, um, uh, I was, uh, um, appalled that Linda would, um, send that out. Send out the, uh, footstool. Okay. Without talking to me about it. That’s kind of sounds like a long, too long statement. Yeah.

Todd: How can we simplify that? What is, what is she, what’s the heart of it?

Client: Um,

uh, um,

I guess, uh, she did, um. She did her own, uh, she made the decision without including me.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Client: Is that short enough?

Todd: That’s short enough, yeah. Um, and what, yeah, [00:07:00] that’s like, uh,

when she did that, she made a decision without including you. Um. I think that’s good. I think that’s good. Yeah, let’s do that. So you received this footstool, you didn’t want it. It costs a lot for shipping. She didn’t ask you, so she made the decision without including you. Is it true?

Client: Yes.

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true.

She made the decision without including you.

Client: Yes. Yeah.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you see this that she made the decision without including you?

Client: I take it as a personal affront, um, uh, that she can be so frugal with her bunny, but she doesn’t take [00:08:00] my my funds into consideration. And, um, she took the easy way out by getting to the. Uh, UPS store and just sending it out, um, without stepping back and saying, well, maybe I should check in with, with Sue first.

So I, I just, I’m just really frustrated and thought that, uh, we had a more of a connection. So I feel dis disconnected from her. Um, I just feel, uh, um, discounted, um, treated as, uh, uh. A younger sister, you know, and not with little respect. That’s what it is. Probably. I, I felt like, uh, she didn’t respect me.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

So say more about how you treated her [00:09:00] back or how you reacted towards her. You said you were a little short in the email. Any other ways that you, um. Reacted towards her when you thought she made the decision without including you?

Client: Um,

I guess when I sent the email it, I just, I mean, I could see what was happening, but I just was so pissed off that I just sent the email. I guess part of me wanted just to take care of this once and for all that. You need to show me respect. You know, I’ve done some worksheets on this, many of them over, you know, uh, and it’s, you know, I still got this, I mean, obviously I, I wanna look at this from a different angle, uh, or further, uh, deeper into this.

Um, so I. That was my main intent is to try to, I was, I was short, succinct, and, [00:10:00] uh, I didn’t have any little, um, uh, I didn’t do any kind of talk, just kind of side note kind of talk, the weather, whatever. I just did that and I think she knew that I was serious, but,

Todd: so that’s reaction. I

Client: felt righteous, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Todd: Yeah. So this is what happens when you’re thinking this thought. It’s like you almost like you don’t have a choice. All the niceness goes out. It’s just really direct and it’s really pointed and trying to make her see without being too overt what, uh, you feeling from this?

Client: Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: So. Who would you be in the same situation?

You get the same footstool, you still didn’t want it. Uh, you see that she is making you pay for the shipping and didn’t ask you who would you be [00:11:00] if you weren’t focused on. She’s making the decision without including me.

Client: Uh, I would, um, see her as, uh, I would see that she’s, um, trying to provide closure of our mom’s state, take care of things, and, um, and, uh.

I realizing this is, she’s probably, I don’t know, maybe she’s tired. She’s at, you know, she wants this just to be done with, and so she put it in the mail and just got it out because it, she had it quite packed, you know, I mean, it took some time to get it all packed in this box to protect it. And um, so I [00:12:00] could tell that she really.

Spent some time and so she probably just wanted to get it done off her list. And I can understand that, you know, because I’ve been in those places too. And, uh, I would call her up instead of sending her email and I’d be open. I wouldn’t feel like it was anything personally against me, but that’s something that’s going on in her life.

I. That she’s trying to take control, get control of. Um, maybe she’s just been too busy with a lot of different things and this was just one of them that she just wanted to get done. Um, so I’d be grateful to get it and, uh. I am grateful to get it, but I would also be, um, sorry.

And, um,[00:13:00]

yeah, I’d just be, I, I, I could see that she put some time in, so I’m really grateful that she, um, even sent it to me. She could have easily just. Blew it off. And, um, yeah, so I’m, I would just give her a call and I wouldn’t feel, um, I wouldn’t feel any, I’d feel at peace. Uh, I wouldn’t feel the aggressiveness or taken as a personal assault.

I, um, yeah.

Todd: Okay. So who would you be? Or sorry. So turn the thought around. She made the decision without including you.

Client: Um, she made the decision.[00:14:00]

She included me in the decision.

Todd: Okay. So is there any way. This could be true when you look at it,

Client: um,

well, in her mind. She, in her mind, she included me in the decision. I think it was her best intent that she included me, even though I don’t recall her talking about, talking about sending it out to me. I thought, you know, I expressed myself and I was at our house at, um, I don’t need the, I don’t need that [00:15:00] stool.

And so, but maybe, you know, she had a lot of things on her plate and she didn’t really hear me. I mean, it’s not like I gave her eye contact. It was one of those things where she’s passing, passing me by. I’m passing her by. And so in her mind she did include me. Mm-hmm. Um. There’s just a little history with a stool.

Uh, my mom gave both two of them away. My sister kept one and my, uh, to my, to my uncle to sell. And so I. Linda and I both wanted them, and so we got ’em back. This was like four years ago, and so there’s a little guilt like, well, we better take it because we, you know, got it back from, you know, our uncle. And so she probably just felt like, um, I’m, this is, we already decided on this that we wanted it, so Oh,

Todd: wow.

That’s a whole new light on this, right? Yeah.

Client: Yeah. She

Todd: may have thought it was already decided. [00:16:00] Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

Client: You know? Yeah. She probably thought, thought, yeah, we made that decision even though it’s four years ago or whatever. Uh, we’re gonna stick by it. It’s, it’s, uh, what we already committed to. And, um, and, uh, we ought to honor that since we took it away from our uncle.

He was gonna sell it at the farmer’s market. But, so that was a hassle for him. So I, I could see it. It was an honor thing.

Todd: Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Cool. Nice find. Yeah. And especially if she didn’t hear you when you said later, you know, that you weren’t that interested in it anymore. But if she didn’t really hear that directly, then she may have just gone on the base on the old decision.

Or maybe even if she did hear it, she just thought the old decision was still more important to honor than the, than the later thought. Who knows?

Client: I, yeah. I, I, I know. I just feel like, [00:17:00] yes, that’s, that’s. Um, that would be a turnaround that’d be very realistic, is that she just went back. She wanted to honor it.

Um, so she can live with herself too.

Todd: Right, right. Okay. So is there another turnaround? She made the decision without including me.

Client: Uh, I made the decision. Without including me.

Todd: Okay. What could that mean without her,

Client: without including, they’re kind of

Todd: two different turnarounds. I made the decision without including me, and I made the decision without including her. So play with, play with one of those first, and then we’ll look at the other.

Client: Hmm. I made the decision. Not sure. [00:18:00] Like when I say without including me, um,

I guess it would go, uh, what I can think the turnaround would be. Uh, when we made that commitment, um, four years ago to that, we really wanted the food stools back. You know, our mom gave them without asking us. So, um.

It seemed like I included myself at that time.

Todd: Okay. So were you not including yourself later? I don’t know.

Client: Yeah. I, I don’t think, uh, I just figured that that was water under the bridge and, uh, this is now and, um, I felt like I didn’t need to honor that decision. I mean that to. The footstools are ours. I would say kinda really lay down them and, okay.

Todd: So could it be that you’re, [00:19:00] when you decided you don’t need to honor that, that, is it possible a way of thinking of this, that I made a decision without including that me from four years ago, um, in any way.

Client: Yeah. Yeah. That’s a good way to look at it. Yeah. Yeah. I like that.

Mm-hmm. I considered it, I thought about it, but I did, uh, include me that, you know, really take it in, took it in the four years ago person that I was.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: And nothing wrong with changing your mind, but just, just check. Right. Are you fully in accord internally? With four years ago today, is it all lining up a hundred percent or is there still some debate in like, oh, I want it, but I don’t want it, or anything like that?[00:20:00]

Um, yeah,

I made the decision without including me. I like if you had to sit just completely in a neutral position right now, after the fact. What’s, what feels truest to you? Um, wanting it or not? Wanting it?

Client: Wanting it now since I have it. Um, I can kinda, I have some stuff on it and, uh, it’s in the garage, but it’s in a nice place and, uh, that’s kind of our activity room and uh, it’s neat ’cause I go by. I see the stool and I, I smile to myself because it reminds me of my mom and dad when they lived down in the Ozarks.

’cause it’s kinda like a, it’s a made out of, um, you know, it’s like [00:21:00] wood, uh, you know, round, uh, like trees. You know, somebody just made it kind of

Todd: Yeah. Rustic, kind of rusty,

Client: like, and thank you. Yeah. So it does bring a smile and I’m glad I, and I’m glad I have it now. I kind of was thinking of that just yesterday.

Todd: That’s cool. So what I’m seeing is like a three different views, right? Different times. There’s me of four years ago that really wanted it enough to get it back from the uncle. Then there’s me of some months ago that wasn’t interested in it. Then there’s, and then there’s me after having received it, that is kind of enjoying it again too.

So it’s like. With all these mes, right? Like which one is the truth? Who knows? They all have some truth. Um,

so saying when you fired off the email, it’s like, I’m assuming there was just room for [00:22:00] one, one of you, the one that says, this is impractical. I don’t wanna pay for it. And I already decided no. Um, yeah. And. Yeah. So we’re just trying to make sense of this turnaround. Right. Is it a little, that person

Client: can cut a here, you know, the, the person four years ago, but, you know, I wanted to make a point with my sister, you know?

Todd: Right, right. It gets down to the, I’m not

Client: proud that it’s like, uh,

Todd: a real nitty gritty is not necessarily the, the, the stool as much as the, the, like. I want to get my sister to do it the way I want. Be respectful.

Client: Yeah. It took her a month before she told me the, how much it cost and that kind of, you know,

it almost felt a little deceitful or she was trying to Well, okay, I finally, I’ll tell you. So, I [00:23:00] mean, she knew that it was, um, yeah, she even so sent me a copy of her. Visa Bill to show me, and I didn’t even ask that at all. It’s just that she was really trying to defend herself and mm-hmm. Yeah. She’s just trying to do what, what, uh, she thought was best.

Todd: Okay. So I made a decision without including me. Um, let’s play with the other one you found, which is I made a decision without including her.

Client: Um,

Todd: there any ways that could make sense?

Client: Uh, yeah. I wasn’t, um, I recall that I wasn’t real direct. I felt a little sheepish of even saying it because of the history, and [00:24:00] so I said, you know. I don’t need this. And she was gonna take the smaller one, and then she kept the larger one and set me the smaller one. So, I mean, I know it’s kind of going in her head, but, um, I didn’t really, I didn’t get back on the phone and, and emphasize I was, didn’t, wasn’t clear on my end what I wanted and talk about it.

You know, we could have talked about the past, um, the history that comes with this. Um. I thought it was a done deal and, uh, really I could see now that I didn’t, uh, I wasn’t clear. I probably was a little shame for even thinking about that. Mm-hmm. I could kind of feel that.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So then you kind of downplayed it or kind of hid, even though you said it, you said it kind of to the side or not as clear.

Um, but it was really a, a major turn. Of course, like major change. Of course you were going this way and now you’re going this [00:25:00] way. And, and that involved her too. So if you’re not including her as we’re looking here, it’s gonna seem really strange. Like why would she, she might not even hear it because the course was going on.

So. Much in one direction. So yeah, it’s, I sort of like, oh, by the way, honey, I’m breaking up. Or, you know, like that, it’s like, yeah, there’s like a major course correction. It’s, it’s gonna be more than just a, a text or something. Mm-hmm. You know, or just a kind of, by the way, it’s, if there’s a major change, I don’t know how major this is, but if there is a major change, it, it might involve more talk or discussion or, or something.

I. Yeah, so I made a decision without including her is that there’s a fine line. Both sides are true here.

Client: Yeah. Hmm.[00:26:00]

Yeah. This really takes a kind of deflates, I mean, I feel deflated or you know, like the this, um. This inks that I was carrying feels a lot less. I could, I feel more compassionate about this. Yeah. It seemed on the different sides.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. And it’s not that you have to make yourself wrong, you know, that could deflate you in a, in a full blown way.

You don’t want that, but it’s just that the story got inflated of how she is. Doing something without including me. And then the turnarounds deflate that story back down to, okay, there’s other things going on here and it kind of neutralizes it. But that’s the, the purpose of the turnaround is done once that neutralization has happened.

Um. Sometimes people, if they’re new to the work, will take the turnaround and then start beating themselves up with it. Now they’re, they’re creating a new story in the opposite direction, which of course creates [00:27:00] more stress. Um, so the work is always a balancing act. And that’s what I experience here. Just listening to you, it’s like just finding where, okay, maybe it wasn’t as, it wasn’t as bad as what I was thinking there.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you just heard now. You can go to the work as meditation.com and go to the open sessions page. These are free get togethers. We meet, uh, in, in online. And it’s a way to get a chance to do the work with me, get a chance to ask questions about, uh, the work.

And it’s a great way to be with others who are also interested in this process. So you can find everything you need to know at the work as meditation.com, and then go to the open sessions page. And while you’re there at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you [00:28:00] to check out my book called Finding the Door to Inquiry, which is a way to support you in identifying the stressful thought to question, and sometimes this is as much a part of this process as going through the four questions and turnarounds of the work.

So to support you in that. I have a book called Finding the Door to Inquiry. Next, I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles called When Am I Gonna Deal With My Emotions?

If I’m holding onto the past, wishing it were different. I’m still hurting inside. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I’m beyond it. The only option is to deal with my emotions. It takes courage to deal with my emotions. That’s why I’d often rather forget about it. I think my life is okay.

I’ll just focus on day-to-day [00:29:00] living. I distract myself with other more pressing things. I keep busy. I keep my head above water, but something still feels like it’s trying to pull me down. The effort of treading water is constant, and it can eventually become exhausting, or it can lead me to addiction or anger or negative behavior.

Though time does heal, it’s often not enough. What is missing is a gentle, direct way to deal with my emotions. When my mind is stressed, it’s not gentle, so every time I touch the old subject. I hurt myself with it. No wonder I try to avoid it. No wonder I don’t want to deal with it. There’s nothing worse than stepping into quicksand and it’s actually intelligent to avoid it.

And emotions can be a kind of quicksand if you don’t know how to handle them, [00:30:00] but unfortunately, avoiding it doesn’t make it go away. And I have to spend my life now avoiding certain areas of my thinking. In fact, as more stress accumulates, my n navigable area of thinking becomes smaller and smaller.

Can’t go over there. Oh, I can’t go there. Can’t think about that person. Can’t think about that person. Oh, that situation don’t go there. Like I’ve just become smaller and smaller. So there need needs to be a way to safely and effectively deal with my emotions. Here’s what I use. Since 2007, I’ve been using the work of Byron Katie, sometimes called the work as a way, uh, to question stressful thoughts and to actually turn them around.

This meditative practice involves writing down my stressful thoughts. Just this act alone is therapeutic for me instead of swirling in a pool of negativity in my mind. I’ve identified some concrete thoughts that I’m [00:31:00] believing at the center of the neg negativity, and when I write them down, I actually get a little more distance on them.

I get a little more of a handle on them, and this helps a lot. The next part of the work is to question what I wrote down. This takes it to a whole new level. This is not about trying to change my mind. This is about truly questioning myself. I want to be open to what’s really true inside of me. Maybe my thought really is true.

Maybe it’s not true. Um, I wanna find out and how do I react when I believe that thought is true? How does it affect my life? And who would I be if I wasn’t so attached to that thought? If I wasn’t believing that thought? This is inquiry. This is, this is exploring. These questions make me go. Hmm. And the questions support me.

To look a little more closely at what I was calling quicksand, and when I do, [00:32:00] I often find that there’s solid ground in there. What was just swirling emotions with no bottom starts to actually have some kind of solid solidity. Some place where I can move around some way of looking at it, some way of exploring, some way out even.

So this allows me to step into the quicksand and explore in a way that is not fearful, is not, doesn’t feel dangerous, doesn’t feel scary. It feels, it takes some courage, but actually, um, I feel at home as I, I’m exploring even old stressful emotions, which brings me to the final phase of doing the work, finding the turnarounds and examples of how the turnarounds could be true.

This is actually radical work I. It turns my world inside out and upside down. So what I thought was scary, what I thought was terrible, what I thought was super stressful, I often find out is completely benign or wasn’t what I [00:33:00] thought it was at all. And this is a fascinating path of discovery, but it’s a process.

Little by little thought by thought, I question what I believe and a new understanding often emerges. But even when I know how to do this work, uh, I sometimes still put it off. Uh, to not deal with my emotions sometimes feels easier, and so I let the quicksand sort of stay off to the side and the tool of the work of Byron Katie sits unused.

I don’t apply it, and so as a result, I continue feeling the heaviness of not having dealt with something. Deciding to deal with my emotions for me. I have to have a few things in place before I can actually start to deal with my emotions in this way. First of all, I have to have a working knowledge and trust of this process.

The work, [00:34:00] this has come over time and, uh, I, I really do trust it. It’s the reason I trust it is because it brings me back to myself every time and it ask, gets me to ask myself what is true, and it’s not trying to push any agenda. So, but you have to know how it works. You have to understand a little bit the mechanics of this process, and that comes with a little practice.

Secondly, I have to have some dissatisfaction with my current state of emotions. If everything’s going great, you know, why question everything. So that’s usually not hard to find for most of us. And then finally, I have to have a willingness to put in some time to do the work. It can’t just. Kind of wave your hand at it.

This is a contemplative process. It takes some, some space. You have to kind of create a safe space for it and set up some kind of routine, ideally, where you’re doing it on an ongoing basis. ’cause it deepens over [00:35:00] time. It matures over time and layers upon layers, uh, get addressed so that you end up experiencing more and more clarity over time.

I. Recently I started doing the work on my parents’ divorce from when I was 15. This was one of the biggest traumas of my life, and while I’ve done a lot of the work, I haven’t done a lot of the work on the divorce. And I can tell you after just a few days of questioning my thoughts about the divorce, I’m feeling already much lighter.

The process of letting go takes time, but it begins from the beginning, begins right, right from the start. So what I’m actually doing now years later, is I’m actually going through the grieving process that I had tabled and pushed aside and said, oh, that’s too much for me and not dealt with. Now I’m actually starting to step into it with this tool of the work of Byron [00:36:00] Katie and, and allowing myself to, in a very gradual way, deal with the stuff that I was not wanting to look at.

The work actually makes grieving easier for me. I did the work every day for two months after my mom died. And in that time I worked through my grief quite effectively. I found my peace and now I’m opening this cold case of my parents’ divorce. And for me, the, the divorce was the death of my family. That was the way I took it at age 15.

And I think some part of me is still holding that. I never gave myself the same amount of time doing the work on the divorce as I did on my mom, on my mom’s death. So now the time has come and it feels so healing to start to step into that and to not just step in blind, not just step in, uh, with no tools but to come with this process and experience using [00:37:00] this process so that I can truly digest the experiences that I had.

I’ll continue to work on this until I deal with my emotions completely or until I’m ready to move to something else. I really love having this tool of the work of Byron Katie, which is so effective for me. If you wanna learn how to do the work and start using it on a regular basis to deal with your emotions.

I invite you to participate in my online course called the Work 1 0 1, and I designed this course, especially for anyone that wants to deal with their emotions and maybe doesn’t know how to deal with them. We start very simply, very comfortably. We learn the process and we support each other in a community to, um, go deeply into the process of dealing with emotions.

So I’ll end with a quote from Byron Katie called, uh, from her book [00:38:00] called Question Your Thinking, change the World, the Thing You’re Terrified of Losing. You’ve already lost it. You may have, may not have noticed that yet, and it may take you a while to grieve. And then you may realize that there was never anything to lose.

So thanks for listening and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, post something on social media if you like. Leave a review for the podcast so that others can gain by your experience and see if this is a fit for them as well. Always stop by the work as meditation.com to get my newsletter to participate in open sessions like the one you heard here today, and you’ll find hundreds of articles there on the work of Byron Katie.

I’ve been doing this for many years and you’ll find my courses such as the Work 1 0 1. The Work 1 [00:39:00] 0 2 Virtual Retreats, inquiry Circle, which is my home base for, uh, ongoing practice of this work. The Breakfast Club, which is a part of Inquiry Circle Private sessions, if you wanna work one-on-one with me.

The Living With Money course. If you want to look on your stressful thoughts, work on your stressful thoughts about money, the Finding the Door to Inquiry book, and other programs that I continue to develop and will continue to offer into the future, I. So thanks again for being with me. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day, and until next time, have a great week as well.