Navigating Friendships After Betrayal: Inner Work for the Overwhelmed Highly Sensitive Person

Client: Todd, I have this, um, I guess it’s a recurrent thought that has been coming up more and more lately related to friends and friendship and how things should be. When you have friends and how real friends look like versus the not non real friends. So I, I think I wanna do the work on, on somebody specifically to like, [00:04:00] put me in that position and have like a better perspective of how things are.

And I should feel like the statement is. She should be a real friend. I think it’s the one that kind of like hits the most.

Todd: Okay. She should be a real friend. And do you have a specific situation to anchor in when you’re thinking about that?

Client: Yes. Like, uh, she was talking to us over the phone and she was coming to the house.

And then I have immediately this thought of thanks from the past. Like my, in my mind, how she was not a good friend before. So that means that she’s not a real friend. So I’m having this battle like of thoughts of like, of course, like trying to figure out and make that as a, as a true statement for me.

Like, oh, but [00:05:00] she didn’t call so she’s not your real friend, or, she didn’t react this way when you said something, so she’s not your real friend. Okay.

Todd: Yeah. Great. So in that situation, your, your friend is coming over, um, and you’re talking and you’re remembering when she wasn’t a friend before, she didn’t call, she didn’t do something though she should be a real friend.

Is that true?

Yes, and and you absolutely know it’s true. She should be a real friend.[00:06:00]

Yes. How do you react? What happens when you think that she should be a real friend in this situation?

Client: I feel frustrated. I, my hands start sweating right away. I feel like I want to avoid the situation completely and just like not have her come over. I feel like I just wanna stop talking to her, like I wanna push her away.

And I see myself like stock, like I put it as an example of like a lot of people that I thought were my friends and then the end were not. So I put her in that [00:07:00] same place where with all these examples of different things from the past where there was no communication or there was just communication, but from her side and not my side as much.

So it felt like a one way friendship kind of,

I feel like stuck in life in terms of. Building those relationships that takes years and then you feel like it was all for nothing. Like I feel like I wasted a lot of time, energy. I feel like betrayed in a way. I feel like I gave it all and then she just didn’t do the same. I feel like used.[00:08:00]

Yeah, I feel like used, like I was just there for her, but she was never really there for me. So I questioned like her intentions and my intentions of, of being there as well. I.

I feel like it’s, everything is like blurry at the same time. It’s just

like all the communication and the situations and like the time we spend and like all the time that was invested into building that friendship was like, I. Yeah, it’s like kind of like a wasted time in a way,

and I just feel lost because I don’t understand the reason why, what’s the reason behind it or why it is that the way [00:09:00] I think it is and the way I feel. So I just get lost in all those thoughts with no way out.

Todd: But how do you treat her? As you’re, you know, she’s thinking of coming over. How do you treat her when you think she should be a real friend?

Client: As somebody who betrayed me, like somebody I put my trust in and I was confident that was a real friend, but then I don’t feel it that way, and it’s like.

Again, that thing of one sided friendship comes back like I was her friend, but she was not my friend in a way. So I feel like she wanted something from me. So there was [00:10:00] like an intention behind it when I had no intentions at all. At all. Just being her friend. Being her friend. Yeah.

Todd: Does anything show up in your voice or in the way that you’re.

Speaking or anything in what you do or don’t do when you think she should be a real friend?

Client: Yeah, I definitely see how I get more emotional, like in my voice, like you can, I can feel that I’m tense and I’m not as friendly in my tone of voice as I usually am.

Yeah, and I feel like I get defensive right away, like just waiting to get hit by something or something like that. It’s just like waiting for something to happen basically. [00:11:00] Not just the regular relaxed person or something.

Todd: Okay. So who would you be without the thought that she should be a real friend when she calls you and you’re talking, she’s thinking of coming over.

Who would you be without this story? She should be a real friend without this thought.

Client: I would be more open, not as judgmental in my head.

I can [00:12:00] see that she actually reached out to come to the house. So it’s not that it’s just me doing everything and, and she’s just there. Like I feel a, a little bit of a less tension when I, when I think about that one sided friendship, like I see that she’s doing something so. That drops the case of me thinking that, oh, I’m just the only one doing something in the relationship.

I feel curious about the, what we’re gonna talk about. ’cause it has been a while since we talk, so I’m curious about how her life is going and what the new things are. How life is coming up from her, for her, and[00:13:00]

yeah, I feel like I’m more open

and I’m not building like stories in my head, just like letting things be and just listening to her voice, listening. That she wants to come over and you can hear like her tone of voice is actually a nice tone of voice. It’s not like somebody that is compromised and wants to do something that feels, that has to do something or mm-hmm.

Or anything like that. It’s like a worm tone of voice that she wants to come and wants to talk to us. Uh.

Hmm. Yeah, that’s something that I totally missed.[00:14:00]

Todd: And when you look back at those past times when you were thinking before that she wasn’t a good friend, when you see those old images. Who would you be without the thought? She should be a real friend.

Client: I see that I’m putting myself in a position to be there for her. It’s not that she’s taking over just like control of the friendship and just [00:15:00] talking about her all the time or any of that. I’m the one that is like open in, in that position to listen to her because she has something to say and I, and I wanna listen to her.

So it’s not that I’m being forced to do that. And also I just noticed that I don’t, I don’t know what she’s thinking in terms of like their relationship or like the way it’s working or anything. I’m just thinking in my head that that’s what she’s thinking and that’s what she’s talking and, but I don’t know for sure ’cause I don’t know, she didn’t say any of that.

Hmm. And I can also see like examples of she asking questions and and asking how I was doing and [00:16:00] things that I’d missed before too. I was just focusing on her not being a real friend, that I was not even paying attention to those. Or they got blurred in my mind. Mm-hmm.

Todd: Yeah. So how would you turn the thought around?

She should be a real friend.

Client: I should be a real friend.

Or she shouldn’t be a real friend. That’ll be the first one. She shouldn’t be her real friend.

Todd: Okay. Wherever you’d like to go. Mm-hmm.

Client: Well, she shouldn’t be a real [00:17:00] friend because I don’t even know if I have like the correct definition of a friend to begin with.

And it’s weird because it makes sense. It, it feels like I am expecting everyone to do the same thing as I do. Like go all in and like be there for everyone at any time. Yeah, but one, not everybody’s the same. And two, I don’t even know if that’s healthy anyway, to be, to be that good of a friend.

Yeah.

And she shouldn’t be, because like going back to the same thing, she’s the friend that she is. Like if we don’t even [00:18:00] put like good or bad, she’s just the way it is and I’m just like pre, like I’m expecting her to be different in that relationship than what she is and that’s why I’m getting disappointed ’cause she’s not putting the effort, I think she should put in the relationship.

So she shouldn’t do that because that’s just not her.

Todd: Mm-hmm.

Client: Hmm

Todd: hmm. Interesting. Do you want, you were wanting her to be the way you are instead of the way she is? Yeah. Interesting.

Hmm. She shouldn’t be a real friend, according to your definition of what a real friend is.

Client: Right.

It’s like following the guidelines or [00:19:00] something of being a real friend.

It doesn’t even make sense when you say it out loud.

Checking the boxes. Oh, did you say hi in the morning or something then?

Todd: And then you get a grade at the end. Oh, sorry. You were at 72%. That’s not a passing grade.

Client: Wow. That’s interesting.

Todd: She shouldn’t be a real friend. What does it, how does it help you that she is not. The friend that you were expecting her to be, how is it, does it serve you in any way?

Client: Well, it definitely helps me

like in a way, get out of a bubble of my bubble [00:20:00] and my expectations as a friendship and like see, oh, there’s somebody that can’t be your friend, but then. You may not feel he is fully your friend, but still your friend. Just not, just not following that same guidelines that you talked about. So, and that doesn’t mean that they’re not, like, in this case, she’s not my friend, just because she’s not acting the way I think she should act.

Hmm.

Todd: That’s cool. Yeah. It leaves open the possibility for. Many different kinds of friendships. Like some that Yeah. Are very, they’re sharing a lot of things and doing a lot of things together, and some where it’s very occasional or more distant in a way, but they’re all, they have different flavors of friendship.

Client: Yeah. [00:21:00] That extends like also I feel like. My knowledge about friendships, like I feel it’s so closed and it’s so up to those same expectations that like if I look at it that way, it’s like, oh, there’s some other things out there that I’m not seeing, or I’m just discarding because they’re not the way I’m I think they should be.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. It reminds me of some work I did a few years ago on. On the wanting, like kind of intimate, like to have friends close that you can really share. And um, and I did the work on that and kind of turned it around. I. And it opened me up to suddenly after doing that work, I realized all these people that I didn’t call friends, I thought they were not friends.

Suddenly I have a million friends. They’re just on different kinds of connections, not just the, [00:22:00] you know, I think I was running on like, I want you to be my best friend, kind of thing. And, and like that’s the only kind of friendship and yeah. So I’m relating to what you’re saying. Thank you. Yeah.

Client: That’s interesting.

That makes me think about that same thing about like seeing every friendship as I wanted to be like my best friend. So that kind of makes a lot of sense too.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Then I miss the friendship that’s there, which is actually a beautiful thing. Just a, some people it is just a hi. Once in a while, we never talk.

But it’s just a, just a how you doing kind of things. And it, and it’s a friendship, right? Suddenly everything is a friendship. Uh, really, really, it’s a, a new definition of it. Instead of the one [00:23:00] that you have with the checklist, have to call. Have to talk. Have to do, yeah.

Client: Right.

Todd: Okay. So is there another turnaround? She should be a real friend.

Client: I should be a real friend.

That one feels like really true as well. Because instead of just like locking my door and like in my mind just like closing the door and just like leave it locked, I could just talk to her and tell her how I feel and I’m not doing that. So yeah, that’s a way. Yeah. Very clear way.

I should be a real friend. Yeah. [00:24:00] Yeah.

I’m not following my, those same guidelines that I’m talking about, I’m missing some of those too, so. Right, right. Exactly. I’m not being a real friend.

Todd: If it, if it doesn’t feel right to follow those guidelines, then that’s okay too. Then you can understand that she also doesn’t follow those guidelines.

Client: Hmm.

Todd: Right. But if I do want it, then I can follow them more. Right. Depending on what I want.

Client: And that makes me understand even more. Like if I’m not doing it and I’m putting like according to me a hundred percent, then what am I expecting? [00:25:00] Yeah, it’s unreal. Yeah.

Todd: It’s like the story in the mind is that I’m giving a hundred percent, but the reality is I’m not giving a hundred percent my door’s closed.

I’m waiting for her. I’m not, I’m not sharing whatever it is. I’m, so, my story is I’m the one only giving and, but in reality, I’m maybe not giving as much as I think I,

Client: Hmm. Yeah.

And that makes me think also about how do, like the mind stops me from doing something, like from reaching out or talking to her just because I’m locked in that feeling and the thoughts of like, oh, she’s not being a real friend, so I’m not going to call her. I’m just going to wait for her to do it. That way she’ll improve a little bit on my guidelines to, to be a real friend if she [00:26:00] does.

And then if she doesn’t, then she’s failing even more.

Todd: Right? So the whole thing is dependent on her. If she improves, then you can improve. If she doesn’t improve, then you can’t. So you’re totally waiting for her. Uh, instead of following what is natural for you, whatever that is, whether it’s to become closer or not to become closer, you’re waiting for her instead of for you.

Client: Right?

And I can see more options now, not just she’s or is not. And that’s the only way, that’s the way I was looking at it before.

Todd: Right. Black or white. Mm-hmm. She’s neither my friend, my best friend that checks all the boxes or not a friend at all.

Client: Right. Yeah.[00:27:00]

And all of a sudden, just like you said, like I feel like I. I have a lot more friends than what I thought I did. Exactly, exactly.

Todd: I just had to change the definition of what a real friend is.

Client: Right.

Todd: So there’s one more turnaround. Instead of she should be a real friend, I should be a real friend to me, to myself.

Client: Hmm.

That one makes a lot of sense too, because I’m not letting me do what I feel like I should do. Like call, call her and talk to her about it. I’m just like, [00:28:00] my mind, I. It’s not letting me do that, so I’m not being a real friend with myself. I’m just letting the thought dictate what I’m going to do, which is nothing, and just wait for the other person to do something.

Todd: Yeah.

Hmm. Like if a friend is someone who listens to the other person, then if I’m going to be friends with myself, I have to listen to myself.

Client: Right,

listen. Which is something that often you don’t really do, it’s just like jump into conclusions right away. Hmm. But if I listen to myself, I have the option and I can decide what I want to do. I.

Wow, [00:29:00] that feels really good.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. It feels like, in a weird

Client: way, it’s like, in a weird way, I was like, afraid or, or like just scared being disappointed. Like disappoint myself by doing something that I wanted to do. Hmm.

Todd: Yeah. And then it makes it, then it’s easy. The mind always does this, just make it, put the responsibility on the other person and then say, poor me, I didn’t get it what I wanted, instead of actually going and taking the steps to do it.

Client: Yeah. Then I can feel the resistance of me like trying to, okay, okay, I’m going to call. But then it’s like, oh, but then that [00:30:00] person is not your real friend if you have to call them. It’s like,

Todd: so that’s a good underlying belief. If I have to call them, then they’re not really my friend.

Client: Yeah, it’s a good one.

Todd: Exactly. So there may be layers to this. Um, but this is a, a great start. And then, uh, there may be other thoughts that are connected. I, I, um, you know, like, yeah, like that one. If I have to call them then not really my friend.

Client: Hmm.

Todd: What I love about this turnaround to the self, it also reminds me of my work from a few years ago, is that, that I.

I could be the one person that could check all the boxes on my ideal friends list. First of all, I spend all my time together with myself, [00:31:00] right? I, I am just completely there for myself. I’m interested in myself, um, and, and so on and so forth. So. That one leaves me in a really secure place that no matter what happens with all the other friends on the spectrum, from really close to not very close, there’s always one that’s.

Super close, more close than anyone, and it’s always there for me, um, or can be always there for me, so I should be a real friend to myself. That gives me a nice position. And then I can enjoy the waves of friendship, um, however they come with other people, and I’m not dependent on them to be super close or do it right or anything like that.

Client: That’s [00:32:00] really cool. Thank you.

Todd: If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you just heard now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open sessions page and you’ll be able to see the schedule. You’ll be able to, uh, sign up and once you’ve signed the release form, you can. Be a part of these sessions.

Even if you’re just listening in, you don’t actually have to say anything. The attendance is restricted to only seven people, so it’s a great way to spend an intimate time with us talking about the work of Byron Katie, bringing up questions about it and actually doing the work. And while you’re at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to, um, check out the virtual retreats that I offer every quarter.

Um, these are a way to go deeper into the work over two days, and these retreats are designed for [00:33:00] you to be able to stay at home or go to a. Place where you can get away on your own with an internet connection. And we will have many, many sessions of doing the work, like two hour sessions, one after the other, uh, around the clock for two days.

And you can come to as many of those, or as few of those as you like based on your time zone and your schedule. The beautiful thing about these virtual retreats is that it’s a, a real community feeling. Uh, we just did one recently and I just felt. Like I could go deeply into my work and everybody is saying the same thing.

It’s a very supportive community for doing this work. So check that out at the work as meditation.com under virtual retreats. Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called Turning Around My Approach to Friendships. This is something I wrote a few years ago and I think the insights from that, uh, time are as relevant, uh, then [00:34:00] or today as they were then.

And it also fits really nicely with this work that we just heard.

Turning around my approach to friendships to stay afloat. Two boats must operate independently even though they may travel together. Friendship has always been a little confusing for me. Maybe it’s because I grew up as the only boy with two younger sisters. I had my own room and spent time alone frequently.

Whatever the reason, I seemed to have only two modes of being with people completely alone and independent, or completely given over to others with little ability to be myself. This all or nothing approach to human interactions spilled over into my approach to friendships. I had plenty of acquaintances, but I didn’t consider [00:35:00] them to be friends.

Only a few times in my life did I have what I called friends, where we spent a lot of time together, but these never lasted very long. I thought I was missing out. I imagined friendship to be some kind of thing where you shared everything with someone. No one seemed to be quite the right person for doing that.

I imagined that others had these kinds of friendships, but not me. There was always a hidden motive to find that kind of friendship. The result was that I sometimes shared too much or asked too much and drove potential friends away. There was a neediness in me that made me not so fun to get close to. In addition, sometimes my attempts at closeness got confused for romantic attachment and backfired quickly In short.

It has been confusing. [00:36:00] This has been shifting. As I continue to live and do my self-inquiry, I find myself better able to bridge the two opposite sides of myself, the independent person who also likes to be alone, and the part of me that wants to connection. I recently questioned an underlying belief to have a good friendship.

I have to share everything. The turnaround floored me to have a good friendship. I have to not share everything. This opposite idea resonated immediately in thinking I should share everything. I had been blurring the lines between self and friend. It was like I was trying to tie two boats together or jump ship completely instead of sailing together independently for a while.

All or nothing. [00:37:00] Such a cool turnaround. Now I get it. There’s nothing wrong with being close to others, but I don’t really want to join completely. I can share meaningful things, but I don’t have to share everything with someone to be a friend. In fact, doing so can ruin a friendship suddenly when seen From this perspective, I have lots of friends.

I. Each friend has a different connection with me. People I didn’t think of as friends because of my narrow definition are now seen as friends taken together. My friends support all sides of me, but I don’t have to depend on just one of them for everything. This also leaves room for me to be my own best friend.

I can share everything with me. I know just how to listen to me. I’m interested in all the things I like to do and talk about. [00:38:00] There’s less neediness in me for connection because I’m connected with myself. So now I refer to this turnaround as I connect with various friends. I think what will I share with this friend and what will I not share with them?

Just the idea of consciously not sharing some things feels balancing. For me, it is just the opposite of my tendency to share it, um, to share it all in attempt to manipulate closeness. Now I’m just enjoying friends for what they are, other independent people I can learn and grow and have fun with. And we’ll end with a quote from Byron Katie, the founder of the Work, and this is from her book.

I Need Your Love. Is it true? Most people believe that having love in their lives and [00:39:00] escaping loneliness depends on finding some special person. This is an ancient belief and it takes courage to question it.

So thanks for listening, and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, post something on social media, or leave a review for the podcast wherever you happen to listen. And stop by the work as meditation.com to get my newsletter to participate in open sessions like the one you heard here today.

And you’ll also find. Hundreds of articles on the work of Byron Katie, as well as information about the work 1 0 1, the Work 1 0 2 Virtual Retreats, inquiry Circle, the Breakfast Club. Private sessions, living with Money Course and the Finding the Door to Inquiry book and other programs that I offer and continue to add over time.[00:40:00]

Thanks again for being here, and until next time, have a great week.