Overwhelmed by a Family Visit? Stress Management Through The Work of Byron Katie

 Of all the things I offer to support you in doing the work of Byron Katie, my number one favorite one is Inquiry Circle. Inquiry Circle is a place where I do my work and a group of us have been doing our work since 2013 and. It’s an online forum. We do a lot of written work. We also have drop-in sessions where we meet on Zoom to do spoken work.

We have monthly seminars and more than anything, it’s a community. It’s where I go to do to deal with my stress, and everyone who is in the group goes to deal with their stress. And it’s a really uplifting, supportive community. That also respects each other’s boundaries and stays in their own business.

So I can’t speak highly enough about Inquiry Circle. It is really the core of what I offer at the work as meditation.com. So if you’re interested in joining this community. I would love to have you with us. The prerequisite is to take the work one-on-one course, and you’ll get to do that within our Inquiry Circle community.

So check it out at the work as meditation.com, and then go to ongoing support ongoing practice group. That’s where you’ll find everything about Inquiry Circle.

I’m like split. I’m on the phone and I’m trying to make. Attain composure and not expose my hand of how I really feel. And then the other part of me is having all these like dreadful thoughts of what it would be like to have all three of ’em here.

Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And we use the work of Byron Katie. This practice is a way of getting in touch with yourself and asking yourself, what do you really think? What do you really feel? What is your truth? Not just what you’re automatically thinking in your mind.

A lot of times we just go along with what we’re thinking, not even knowing if that’s really what we feel or if it’s really true for us. A lot of times we pick up ideas from others and we’re just assuming that’s true for ourselves and we’re acting on that. But. What the work of Byron Katie does is gives you a chance to pause, to go in, to check out what’s really true for you, to get in touch with yourself, to listen to yourself.

And that’s what we’ll be sharing here in this podcast. And it’s what you’ll find at the work as meditation.com.

I am Todd Smith, and on the program today, a participant from the weekly open session. Does the work on. A situation where her three brothers have decided to travel across the country to come visit her all at once. And she’s feeling a little threatened by it a little bit put out not sure what to do and it’s feeling stressed.

So in this recording, you’ll hear her questioning the stressful thought. I don’t want the three of them to come visit all at once and. As you listen, you’ll hear her work through this and there’s plenty of pauses and spaces that she’s thinking and trying to find her wiggle room as she does this work.

I think you’ll be very interested to see how it unfolds as we go through the recording. After that, I’ll be reading a newsletter article called The Work is Messy. So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together. It’s a simple, powerful way to question what you think, and we always start here with our latest open session recording.

And as always, I. Give these recordings unedited so that you can experience exactly what it’s like to do the work. Sometimes it doesn’t take just five minutes. It takes, in this case a good 30 plus minutes for the process to go through.

So I would like to do the work on my brothers. I have three brothers. Okay, great. And the situation is, one of them calls and says that all three of them have decided to come visit me at once. And I have a feeling of dread. Okay. And I think I don’t want them to all come at once. I don’t want the three of them together to come visit me.

And it’s like electrifying. Okay.

Okay, great. Great stressful thought there. Let’s just jump in on it. I don’t want the three of them to come visit at once, so is that true?

Yes.

And can you absolutely know it’s true. You don’t want the three of them to come visit at once?

No.

So how do you react? What happens when you get this information that they’ve decided to come visit you at once? And you’re thinking, I don’t want that. How do you react?

I’m like split. I’m on the phone and I’m trying to maintain composure. Not expose my hand of how I really feel. And then the other part of me is having all these like, dreadful thoughts of what it would be like to have all three of ’em here. And what are some of those images like the three of them being bigger than life and feel like they’re taking over my house and my world. Like they’re, like, they’re three against one. Like it’s a, they’re a unit and I’m a separate identity. I feel attacked in a strange way, like images of them judging me and the old not, I don’t fit in. Story comes up.

And it’s really heavy and constricting in my chest,

and I’m shocked, like it never occurred to me that they would ever all come together. I.

I never asked them. Yeah. To come together one lives in Florida, one two live in Connecticut and I live in Arkansas, so it’s 24 hours for anybody to get here. So I certainly never thought that they would come together.

Yeah, I don’t know where it came from. What are the image? Yeah. So while we’re thinking of images, what other images from the past come to mind when you think that they’re, that they’ve all, that I don’t want the three of them to come to visit at once.

Visions of

being at their houses the four of us together and how I feel like I wanna drink alcohol. I don’t wanna, be, I was so uncomfortable and I’m outta my element and

like I can’t keep up with them and their humor and their brain power and their

so it’s visions of not feeling comfortable, safe part of it when the four of us are together.

Do you notice anything in your body when you think I don’t want the three of them to come visit at once? I feel really nervous. I feel shaky. Nervous, like at risk, like my peace is at stake here. My. My calmness, my joy, like all the good stuff is at risk. Like they have the power to come and suck it out.

Yep, yep. There’s no place for me in my, there’ll be no place for me in my own house, so how do you treat them? Both the one brother on the phone, as well as how you treat them in your mind since that, that news, when you think, I don’t want them to come all at once.

At first I just said, wow, and then my mind started thinning and he sounded like this was such a gift that they were giving me, to do this, like that. I was like, I started asking questions like. For how long? And he laughed. And he said, oh, a month. And he laughed. And I was like no. I’m like, he was like, a couple days.

And I’m like oh, okay. And I’m just like, my head’s scrambling like I wanna ask all these questions, like why, who came up with this idea? What makes you think this is a good idea? But I’m being, oh have you looked into flights? It’s not easy to get here.

Like

Throwing the obstacles out in front.

It is just, yeah, it’s just. Throws me off and I’m treating them like they’re, they have no concept how I feel like it’s this is another example of them making a decision to come visit me without saying, how would that be? Can you know? Do you have enough room at your house? They’re just assuming they’re that I have multiple bedrooms for everybody. I dunno. It’s it’s I’m like going through all the logistics of God. We got a camp bed, and then I’m like, they’re all older than me. It’s I got a futon. It’s who’s gonna wanna sleep on the futon?

And I’m like, so I’m like, all these logistical things are coming up and it’s just like nerve wracking. Yeah. Yeah. So all of this, what you’ve described is how you react when you think, I don’t want the three of them to come visit at once. The mind just starts getting really turned up when this thought comes in.

So go back to that phone call and your brother saying that we’ve all three decided to come. Who would you be? Just imagine, you might have to even pretend, but who would you be if you didn’t think. I don’t want them to all come at visit at once. Who would you be?

I can see that it’s a big effort for them to do this. It’s not, it really isn’t easy to get here where I live. It’s a journey for them. And I think, boy, if they just wanted to be together, there’s a lot of other places they could go. They don’t need to come here to they must wanna come here because they say they’re doing it.

And so there must be. They must want to.

What else do you see when you look at your brothers? Without the thought, I don’t want them to all come and visit at once.

What do I see without the thought?

That it is doable to, to have them here, like physically it is doable. I can’t get too excited yet, but I, I get to, I could get to it might not be a total disaster. It might be doable. Do those future images change at all when you’re not thinking? I don’t want the three of them to come visit all at once.

It’s a little bit calmer. It’s a little bit.

Less electric without the thought. And that’s what we’re noticing here. It doesn’t have to be like dramatic change or anything. We’re just noticing what’s the effect of this thought and what I’m hearing is that it’s a little less. Electric, a little less charged without the thought. So we’re comparing like, what’s it like to have that phone call and be not wanting them to come and versus not even saying that you want them to come, but who would you be without not wanting them to come when you’re hearing their plans?

I could take it more like a compliment, take it more like they care, like they wanna come see me. I. They wanna see you know what, where is Arkansas? It’s like they wanna come and see where this is. That I moved to.

Yeah.

So that’s the difference, right with the thought. I don’t want them to come here and visit all at once. It’s this feeling threatened almost. Like you said, they’re attacking me almost. Yeah. And without the thought, the mind’s seeing around the edges of that to the compliment that must be there for them to consider going all this way.

So what we’re noticing is this thought closes the mind down a little bit, and without the thought, it opens it up a little bit. That’s the effect that this thought has. I don’t want, ugh, it’s push away and it’s I can only see the worst that could happen. There’s a feeling of threat. Without the thought.

I don’t want, I still don’t know what’s gonna happen. It’s still vulnerable, but a little more open to what are, what’s going on for them.

So that’s the power of a thought, the effect of the thought. There just no. So can you try finding a turnaround and seeing if there’s any truth in even an opposite of that thought? So the thought is I don’t want the three of them to come visit all at once,

so I do want the three of them to come together. Because they really like each other, and and they can entertain each other, it doesn’t, it takes the pressure off of me to be alone with each one of ’em, in a separate visit. Yeah. So in that sense, reduced it from three visits to one.

And they entertain each other. Okay. And if they, because the three of them are coming together, they’re not bringing their partners. So that’s nicer for me to just have my brothers without their partners. Yeah. They wouldn’t just come without their partners on their own. It is nicer to just, given the option of three visits with spouses or one visit with the three of them.

I just have to say I take the one with the three of them.

Cool. Perspective. Yeah. Yeah. So I do want three of them to come all at once.

It’s one trip to the airport and back. I don’t want me to before you go on there, let’s just see, are there any other I. Advantages even of them coming to visit all at once. Is there anything, how does it serve you that they would come all at once in addition to what you’ve said already? How could it be a good thing? What just popped into my head was

there’s a lot of side conversations in our family like. People talking about each other to each other, and they will, the three of them will be here, so they won’t have a

how to say there will be one common experience so we won’t hear. Each individual’s. Talking to the other one about me, and my husband in my house. Yeah. I went out. It’s like right that, that review process that happens in our family, a lot of everybody saying what they saw, heard, thought everybody’s opinion being separate.

It’ll be. The it’ll happen while they’re here. So there won’t be as much cross. So Yeah. With a common experience. What’s that? And with a common experience, right? Yes. With a common experie based on a common experience. Yeah. Instead of like the game of telephone I saw this, and then that gets referred to the next person, and by the end to have a totally different.

Story of what happened. Yeah. Okay.

So any other advantages for you or even for them that they all come visit at once?

Oh my brother who lives in Florida is the least healthiest of us all. He has Parkinson’s, and so the other two have decided to go get him in Florida and then fly from Florida to here so that he doesn’t, so that he just so that he doesn’t have to travel alone. You know what I mean?

And so it makes it it makes it definitely better for everybody that we don’t have to worry about him traveling alone and his partner is probably, would, would never come ’cause of her health. She’d have to drive. She wouldn’t be able to fly. So the advantage is that, they’re making the effort to go to Florida to pick him up to, in the airport kind of thing, and then fly here.

So it makes it a lot easier for for him to not have to travel long. Yeah, good point. And to be able to come. ’cause I don’t think he’d be able to come otherwise.

He’d have to drive and it’s a really long 24 hour drive, so a long drive. Yeah. Yeah. So what, let’s go all the way as far as we can with this. Is there anything positive in this for you, them all coming together to visit you?

If they don’t swallow me up and spit me out, I.

The vortex thing. It’s gonna have me do a lot of work between now and then. Because I realize that I don’t want them to come with all the thoughts that I have, negative thoughts that I have about them and this, and. So it is gonna help me. Nothing like a visit to make me clean up everything, including my thinking, right?

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And think of the time that you’re there and they’re all who they are, right? They like each other. They’re funny and. Smart. And

with all of that, can you find anything that would be enjoyable for you with them all being there?

It’s fun for me to talk about the past in the sense of our family and our parents who both have passed. So it’s a sense of family that I haven’t experienced in a really long time, like a group.

There’s, these are the only other three family people on earth who have had some common experiences of a house that we lived in and the parents that we had, and yeah, so there’s some fun in that shared experience in talking about it that is unique to us, to the four of us.

And especially there’s not even spouses there other than your own spouse, right? So that it, you can really enjoy some of those memories with that concentrated group of the four of you. So both things can be there, right? There’s the vulnerability of, oh my gosh, all that this brings up, and the vulnerability of that and the fears, all of which can be worked, right?

And balancing that there can be some, and this is where the turnaround’s pointing, is keep an eye out for those things that. Could be actually enjoyable to you, not just your brothers taking over.

And you may find, in fact, it can be a living turnaround to keep an eye out for what your liking about the idea, not just what scares you about the idea. Both may be there.

So you were going and I stopped you, but let’s go to another turnaround. So original statement is, I don’t want the three of them to come visit at once. What’s another way of turning that around?

I don’t want me to go visit the three of them and know how to really turn that around to myself. Yeah. We have to stretch, think about this, what makes sense. Technically we could say, I don’t want me to go visit them at once or to go visit them. That could be, so compare you going to visit them versus them coming to visit you.

Is that helpful in any way to compare those two?

It’s, in one way it’s easier ’cause it’s less travel for me. Yeah, I think there’ll be that a gift guess. I think there’ll be good guess. I, it’s possible. I think they’re like trained, like but at least they’re coming to you. They’re coming to me, yes.

Yeah. And they’re coming without their spouses. Yeah. Like the more I think about that, that really is a big plus ’cause of how the dynamics change. Big plus, yeah, you don’t, it’s not often you get just your brothers and sisters, just in one, just alone. It’s almost like going time traveling and going back to when you were kids.

Because the always spouses they’re around. Which are fine, but it’s a different dynamic. Right?

And so if you went to visit them, it would be the old way, right? Of spouses being there and yes, all of that. Plus you have to travel. Okay. And you’re, what else? I really love it here. I. Without thinking, without thoughts about them in the past it’s much more comfortable for me to stay here than to go and be in their house where I’m. More cautious about putting a water bottle down on the counter or, putting something out of place. Like I don’t have to worry about that being in somebody else’s house and how they live and their level of organization and cleanliness and all that.

And, and I can eat whenever I wanna eat, like to my house, I don’t have to wait to be served or offered something, so that’s a big plus. Yeah.

Yeah. So the more we sit in and get to sleep in my own bed with my. Yeah. I love it. These are not small things. When you’re dealing with three brothers, you get to sleep in your own bed. Yes. You get to eat your own food. You get to do, you get to be in a place that you love and you get to have your husband around for support as well.

Yes.

So it’s nice to do this comparison between you visiting them versus them visiting you and it starts to look like, okay, there are some clear advantages to them coming here. Yes.

So let’s just play with one last turnaround before we go. The statement is, I don’t want the three of them to come visit at once. So maybe it’s something like, I don’t want the three of me to come visit all at once, and I don’t know what that means, but see if we can play with it a little bit like the three of me, the three of, or the three of them in my mind, to come visit all at once, can you play with that in some way and see if there’s anything that makes sense for you? I can see that the three of them in my mind are very different individuals and I have very different relationships and topics of conversation with each of it is three different one-on-ones. If I,

it’s like I’m gonna, I’m gonna have to be one person when the three of them are here, which I know I, I’m, oh my goodness. Very different with each one of ’em, one-on-one, like so it’s going to be good for me. To really be me. I’m not gonna get to be three different people. It’s like I’m gonna have to come up with a, like the real me, like not the me for that brother, the me for that brother and the me for that brother. What I think works them. ’cause I won’t be able to maintain that. You can do it on the phone. Exactly, but you can’t do it when it. Crazy making to try to do that while they were all here.

Yeah. So this is huge. This is what an opportunity to dig deeper and find what is the real you that can be presented to each to, to the three of them together instead of just one by one, each one a different version of yourself. Very cool. Yeah. Wendy, you wanna say something? I just can’t help but think that the three of them got together and described you and each one of them said, no, that’s not what she’s like.

And they’re coming to see which one you really are. Yeah. Yeah. And they’re coming to your place to see where you really live and how you really live. It’s an interesting idea. Almost like they want to know who. You are. It warms my heart to think how much they must love you to want that to do that. Sorry, not to give you anything else in that, but Yeah, I just, yeah.

Thank you. That’s what strikes me. Yeah. Yeah. But what a cool turnaround. I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t want the three of me to come visit all at once. Then I have to be like, me with this brother, me with this brother and me with this brother all in the same house. Then it’s crazy. I can just be whatever version of me really is closest to me with all three of them.

There’s, they’re a unit. I think you said that. So I can have, I can be the me of myself with them as a unit, and

that’s. That is a challenge sometimes, right? I’m the same way. I’m really good one-on-one with different people and I show different parts of myself to different people. And then, okay, who am I actually, who am I? And to even ask that question and to do even just whatever’s my best in that direction could be a huge growing.

From the whole process.

And the three of, so thank you. Other for your work. The other thing that comes up is that I have stories about each one of them, and I don’t want all my past stories. About each of them to come and affect this visit in a negative way. So it’s like I have, yeah, I don’t, I have different versions of them than reality.

I don’t want those past you broke my baton when I was seven years old and you still never apologized. I don’t want that stupid stuff to come up. It’s like the day when, and I could just see my myself saying that to my brother and him looking at me like I had five heads and being like, what Baton?

What are you talking about? Like I’ve held onto stuff with each one of ’em that they have no memory of whatsoever. Yeah. Yeah. So I don’t want me to bring those versions of them with me to this meeting because that overly complicates it and makes it stressful. But you can bring those versions of them to a judge your neighbor worksheet, and work through those stories.

He broke my baton or whatever they are and that’s your, you’ve got a month, I think he said you can be doing a new worksheet every day, cleaning up all those past things so that when they come, there’s less of those stories. Room with the four of you. Actually they’re not coming until October, so I’ve got all this time Oh my, to, to worry about it

on It got two choices. I can either work on it or worry about it. You have a choice. That’s it. That’s it. That’s it. But for to my mind, worries are there just to. Call out and say, Hey, here’s something to work on. And I just listen to those worries. And I write them down and I question them, and little by little the stories become less.

And then when they come, I’m just dealing with more of the reality of them. Yeah, you could, you have time to just. Clean up your whole childhood in a few months.

Maybe that’s what this is for. I love it. Yeah. Thank you for your work. Really nice. Thank you to. See this and thank you for just, I can feel the vulnerability that you bring in that to, to even share it and to work through it and yeah, I appreciate it very much so thank you.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you heard just now, go to the work as meditation.com and go to the open sessions page. And there you can see the upcoming schedule. You can sign up, you can join us and bring your stressful situations to question in this forum. And also you can bring any kind of question that you have about the work of Byron Katie and we cover those in detail whenever you join us.

And while you’re at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to check out my private sessions option. This is where you can work one-on-one with me privately, and it’s a way to get into anything that’s a little bit vulnerable or to have real one-on-one support, and it’s a great way to do this kind of work.

And it’s can also become a practice for many people. I have many clients who do the work maybe once a week or once a month, or every couple weeks, and this can be a support in just keeping the work alive in your life.

Next, I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles called The Work is Messy.

The work like cooking is messy. There are many steps involved, gathering, crushing, peeling, et cetera, not just one moment of revealing the finished product. In a way, we are spoiled by Byron Katie’s videos. If you go to Byron Katie’s YouTube channel, you’ll find dozens of amazing videos of Byron Katie doing the work with people.

She leads people through the four questions and turnarounds. You watch lights go on and stories drop and hearts opening. It can be very inspiring to see the transformations that occur so quickly on stage with Katie. But when you try to do the work on your own, it may or may not be quite so amazing at first.

By comparison, we’re all newbies at the work. She’s been doing the work longer than anyone. She discovered the work. If you continue with the work anyway, you may find that this same amazing process that you saw with Katie is also happening inside of you, even if it is less dramatic or if it takes longer or if it has more side roads along the way.

It’s only when you compare your work to those videos that you can create disappointment or expectations for yourself. Katie’s videos are like the finished product. That is because Byron Katie is so experienced at doing this work over so many years that she can support someone to drop in very quickly.

Also you’re seeing some of the most notable videos. Not all of them are so earth shattering. Not all of them make the cut. It also depends on the person doing the work. I’ve seen some people who were closed to the process in some way, even when working with Katie and you don’t see those videos. For most of us, we are somewhere in between, somewhat experienced in the work and somewhat open for inquiry.

I notice that my openness changes. Sometimes I’m more open to explore when I sit to do the work, and sometimes I’m not open at all. Sometimes the very first stressful thought I question opens me up. Other times I may try many different thoughts to question before I connect with what is really bothering me and began to shift my perspective through inquiry.

And still at other times, I have found the thought to question, but I have challenges going through the four questions or finding turnarounds and examples. In other words, I’m always exploring new ground each time I do the work. I don’t know what I’ll run into. I’ve never walked this road before. That is why the work is often much less polished and dramatic when I do it.

But it is perfect for me discovering my truths as I explore uncharted territory. I noticed this with clients too. One client I worked with recently wanted to work on his fear, but before he could go anywhere with that, he discovered an underlying belief, which prevented him from even starting that work.

He realized that he was not even open to experiencing fear as an emotion. There was something, not a approving of fear in him. As we explored, he discovered underlying beliefs such as only cowards are afraid. Fear is childish, and I need to be rational, and fear is unmanly. There was no way to jump into a fearful situation and start questioning his fearful thoughts.

He noticed his resistance and then identified those thoughts First. He saw images of when his parents had told him to not be afraid, and he had understood I should not have fear by questioning thoughts like fear is childish and I should not have fear. He could slowly deal with the extra layer of stress he had around fear.

For him. This was necessary before going to do the work on the fear itself, such as I’m afraid of making a mistake. How did he know to follow this side road? He was listening to himself as he went. The work is about listening to myself. When I listened to myself. I can feel where my stressful thoughts are sitting.

It may not seem like a direct path. But it is the only path I can take. I must listen to where I am and to what my thoughts and resistances are saying and question those one step at a time. It doesn’t matter where I end up. True exploration, true inquiry simply follows the thread inside of me by listening and feeling.

It may look messy at first. You may not want to present it in raw form on YouTube, but this is how I actually do the work. The work is exploration by definition. It is a messy art and I don’t want to clean it up. The joy of cooking and I’m doing the work lies in the freedom to make a mess. Experience helps.

The more you do the work, the more you see options for exploring. That you couldn’t see before. This just comes with experience. It also can help to practice the work with others who have more experience. This is why I created the Work 1 0 1, my intro course and inquiry circle, my ongoing practice group for the work in the Work 1 0 1.

You’ll learn lots of options for digging into the work based on my experience over the years. I’ve collected my favorite tips for how I like to explore my inner world using the four questions and turnarounds, and people tell me that some of my approaches work for them as well. If you would like to learn from my experience and from the experience of others experienced co trainers, then join me for the Work 1 0 1, which is now a part of Inquiry Circle and continue in our community after you’ve completed the course.

And finally here is a quote from Byron Katie in her book, loving What is, it may seem odd at first to look at grand passions or unhappiness, especially unhappiness about love in terms of thoughts. Still, if you slow down and take a look, you’ll find that there is always a particular thought that triggers any stressful feeling.