Can the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet Enhance Communication? Insights for Overwhelmed HSPs

Todd: [00:00:00] There’s an old saying that if you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go in a group. And for this reason, I’ve created something called Inquiry Circle, which is a group practice of the work of Byron Katie. We’re an online group and we work together every day in different ways.

Sometimes in written form, sometimes in spoken form. But we’re a community and we share. A lot of things together. We work through a lot of things together, and it can be an amazing support if you want to move from being stressed and feeling alone to working through your stress with others who are also interested in doing that.

To read more about this group practice go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the, probably the easiest way to do it is go to the solutions page and you’ll see a link there to group [00:01:00] practice.

Client: Just to say that there’s a kind of a theme going on, let’s say or like the overall theme which is judge your neighbor worksheets as a tool for the work. High level and being somewhat new still working through the work 1 0 1. I’m welcome to Wiggle

Todd: Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around.

And we used the work of Byron Katie. This process is a way of questioning any stressful thoughts that you may have and stress. That feeling of stress will tell you what the thoughts are that need to be questioned, and when you question them in a gentle way, in a patient way, in a respectful way, the part of you that’s stressed may start to see things differently.

It may start to relax. Its death grip on whatever it is that it’s holding onto. So this is called the work of Byron Katie, and that’s the focus of this [00:02:00] podcast. I’m Todd Smith, and on the program today, we will be looking at some interesting questions, little bit advanced questions of someone who’s been doing.

The work of Byron Katie and is enrolled in the work one-on-one course and is thinking about the judge your neighbor worksheet, which is one of the tools we use to identify stressful thoughts so that we can question them. And this judge your neighbor worksheet is basically a list of questions of how you want.

Somebody to be different than what you’re actually experiencing with them. And all of the anger or emotion or sadness or whatever that comes up with that. So this person asks the question about how to use that or if you can use that, judge your neighbor worksheet in the heat of the moment. Because in the work one-on-one course, we use it in a kind of meditative way, slowly [00:03:00] after the moment.

As a way of looking at what was going on there. So he’s wondering, can you use this right in the moment? And then he asks another question about using this judge your neighbor worksheet, as a kind of communication tool. Can this be a way of communicating with the person, maybe the needs that you’re having, that you’re frustrated about?

And is there a way of using this worksheet as a way of bridging that? So we get into an interesting discussion. I share my experience and I hope you’ll enjoy it. This is from the open session recording, and after that I will read a, an article that I’ve written called Transcending Family Rules. So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together.

It’s a simple, powerful way to question what you think, and we’ll start here with the latest recording of the open session. And [00:04:00] as always, I share the unedited recordings so that you can experience it the same way we did when we were talking together.

Client: Great. Thanks. And actually when Todd was explaining the range of possibilities, I thought it’s I feel like what I’m coming with. Maybe touches on all of those in some way. But I think maybe the easiest way to get it across is just to say that there’s a kind of a theme going on, let’s say or like the overall theme which is judge your neighbor worksheets as a tool for the work high level and being somewhat new still working through the work 1 0 1.

I’m, as far as that course goes, I’m only on my second, judge never worksheet, and we take our time with each one. But lately I’ve been incorporating them more into my practice and just my focus has been there lately. So I think my first question, or first thing I like to discuss a little bit [00:05:00] is is, how.

Let’s say the use of a judge neighbor worksheet in the moment of stress or stressful thought, right? Of course, we can have stressful thoughts that. Come up and maybe out of context, or they’re a memory of a stressful event, or there’s something that’s lingering with us. And then there’s also, I’m in the middle of a stressful event or, I’m having some thoughts around this situation that’s as it’s occurring in real time.

So first I’d like to just bring that up the use of a judge or neighbor worksheet as a tool for dealing with stress or conflict or that sort of thing in the moment.

Todd: Yeah, great question. Yeah, so Judge, your neighbor worksheet can be used in a number of different ways, and in the work 1 0 1, we use it in a very kind of slow meditative way that we might spend.

I don’t know, five or six hours working through a judge, your neighbor worksheet, [00:06:00] because we’re, and we’re doing it over days or even weeks. And that is a slow way of marinating in the discoveries that you can find when you’re working through a worksheet. But you can also do a judge your neighbor worksheet.

Very quickly I’ve done it. My record is five minutes. Wow. And way that worked was I had five minutes before I was gonna be working with somebody that I had worked with before that was triggering me. The a client was actually triggering me and I had no time. And I’ve gotta just do it. So I just wrote a very brief judge your neighbor worksheet.

And what. What I thought they were doing, what I wanted different, what I thought they should do differently, what I needed, what I thought of them, and what I don’t ever want to experience again. So that’s the main questions on the judge. Your neighbor worksheet. I wrote those down briefly. [00:07:00] Then I had about two minutes left.

So all I did was turn them around. Literally, that’s all I had time to do was turn them around and just sit and think does that turn around make some sense? And I found some meaning and I found a little bit of wiggle room and it was enough, totally different experience of that client when I went into the session Now.

That’s not my first choice of how to do a judge your neighbor worksheet, because I skimmed, I majorly skimmed. And I’m not sure it would work if I was brand new to the work because just turning things around is can often cause more problems than. Than solutions because it can come at you like, oh, now I’m wrong, and they’re right. It can get mixed around like that. It can feel harsh. So I know going through the four questions slowly and taking my time with it [00:08:00] is what’s gonna be the gentle approach that’s going to really allow me to settle in. But I’m very familiar with that process and so I already had the spirit of that with me and I was able to use it in a very quick way.

Now that’s, you’ve seen the two extremes here. Like you can take days to work through a judge or neighbor worksheet. You can take. You can take minutes to work through a judge or neighbor worksheet. I’ll say another thing, just writing a judge or neighbor worksheet is therapeutic in and of itself because what I’m doing is I’m, it’s like a catharsis really.

I’m letting out the stressful thoughts, getting them onto paper. I’m seeing what’s going on, and sometimes just seeing that gives me enough distance that I start to. Feel a little less caught up by it. So those are, that’s another quick way of doing it. Another would be the thing’s happening.

Like I’m at [00:09:00] my in-laws or something, right? And something’s happening and I’m getting triggered and I just say, I just, I need to excuse myself some way. Maybe I get in the car and go out to a coffee shop for 30 minutes and whatever the reason is I give, then I write a judge or neighbor worksheet in short form.

Might take me a few minutes and then I work one of those statements, or I take it in a. Kind of work one and gloss some of the others and it’s good enough. It gives me enough of the feeling of, okay, I see how this turns around. So yes, in the moment, the use of a judge, your neighbor worksheet, it is it’s amazing.

It’s amazing. You can use it in any of these ways and you may find other ways that I haven’t even thought of to use it.

Client: That’s great. I specifically I guess resonate or relate to, ’cause it came up in a similar context of being in the moment of [00:10:00] feeling that way of feeling, let’s say triggered is a good word for it.

Or, just dealing with challenging emotions in the moment. And, it, it occurred that at a minimum, maybe just. A way to channel these constructively or safely or something like that is, is really helpful. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. The analogy I like to use is fire. A fireplace is wonderful.

Fire in the house burns. The house down’s. It’s hilarious judging worksheet. It’s just this little crucible where I can just pour all my fire and maybe I’ll turn, lead into gold. I don’t know. But I’m gonna at least get all the fire out into one place that’s safe and that can. That can be hugely therapeutic.

Client: I love that analogy. I used that in this instance like that, that came to mind. So thank you for that. Yeah, so that’s really, I don’t know. I think that’s really helpful to see the versatile ways that it can be used and just at a minimum being reminded that it has [00:11:00] some sort of merit, let’s say or use in, its in its own way.

Another. So that kind of brings me to my second question on the subject of creative uses, let’s say, of the judge neighbor worksheet. I’ve actually heard this, I can’t remember where I picked it up, but I had heard through somewhere of a judge neighbor worksheet or something like tool maybe like that.

I’m not sure about my memory here. But I believe it was actually, being used as a communication tool in, in, in relationships. So I think that’s the topic. I don’t really have a lot of specifics in terms of a question, but I would yeah, just like to bring that forward for discussion.

I think it might, few questions follow on, questions might come up in that, but it’s hey, there’s this possibility of being able to communicate some things. For example, we know that. Communicating needs is pretty better understood, I think than ever how needs are underlying or [00:12:00] unmet needs are underlying people’s relational challenges or conflicts.

And so just being able to express one’s needs is can be like a huge step or really productive. But yeah. I guess the first question is what are your thoughts on that?

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. It can be used that way. I’ve seen it used that way. I’ve tried it that way. It depends on a few things.

It depends on the. The relationship and the stability of the relationship, the connection and trust that people have. The more of that’s there, the more trust that’s there, the more you can you can write a really uncensored judge your neighbor worksheet and read it to your partner and and have them really understand you better and be.

Even touched by your sharing and your vulnerability and all of that. It can also backfire if that trust is not [00:13:00] there and can just add gasoline on the fire. If the person, if the relationship is not. In that place of a lot of trust because now we’re pointing the finger, right?

That’s what the judge neighbor worksheet is. It’s like I’m judging you and it’s your fault. And that’s what I’m believing and that’s what I’m writing and that’s what I would be reading. So it takes a lot of. Of ability to witness that and to hold that in order for that to come off. But it can be done can be done.

I actually I used to do it with clients. I used to offer it with clients. I actually stopped offering it with clients in general because I’m not Byron Katie and Byron Katie does this with people. She has a lot of. There’s a lot of trust in Byron Katie already. That’s a big case right there.

And I was working with new people, didn’t know me from Adam, and it didn’t go as well. I didn’t have the skills or they didn’t have the trust or whatever part of [00:14:00] that equation was missing just didn’t really seem to work so well for me. So that’s part, first part of answer to your question.

The second is, that there are two things going on here. One is when I write a judge, your neighbor worksheet, I’m writing out my needs. For example, you mentioned needs but these are my stressed, stressed out version of my needs. And. So unless the other person’s really clear, I’m gonna be giving them my stressed version of needs, which may not actually be my real needs.

They may be. And so again, there has to be a lot of clarity, a lot of understanding and space to be able to sort that out. Now that does get sorted out if the person then facilitates them on the work now that, that’s when it starts to open up again because. I pointed the finger at the other person I’m reading them my worksheet, let’s say.

They might start to get triggered by what I’m [00:15:00] reading to them, but then when I start doing my work and I start. Showing how I react and who I’d be without the thought and turning it around. I may, they may start to see, oh, they’re not, they’re more open than I thought. And that can be very bonding.

It can be very beautiful. It can bring people together if they can get over the hurdle of the original, pointing the finger. But what you mentioned is a really good point. Needs. We do need to communicate our needs. That’s part of why we’re. Angry in the first place. We’ve let our needs not be communicated, and then we’ve let it become anger and now we’re blurting it out onto paper and or we’re yelling it at them in worst case scenario.

And so the judge or neighbor worksheet is gonna contain some things that are valid here as well, but they’ve been shrouded in stress and so it’s gonna take some un. So I’m working through that to to reveal that. And [00:16:00] the nice thing about when you do the work, you will also find usually that what I thought I needed, I don’t actually need or I already have or some versions of that.

So yeah, so there’s a lot of things I’m touching on here, but I guess my bottom line is. I do the work for myself to become less attached to my stories, less bound by my stories, and I tend to do it with people that are neutral. I tend to do it that way. That’s just me. I just feel like I can be more open and honest that way.

But I. There. I know a number of people, many people that do the work of Byron Katie and work one-on-one with each other in very, almost confrontational [00:17:00] approach. In a way, it sounds confrontational, but it isn’t sharing of these things and it can be very powerful. Maybe it’s above my paper.

Client: Thank you. Thank you so much for that answer, Todd. And apologies for looking down. I was just making a few notes, but I was listening intently. A couple things I’m taking away from your response. One is that some measure of skill or let’s say at least familiarity if not some measure of like maturity or I don’t know what the right word is.

With the work. ’cause it does seem like it could be a real challenge to wear the multiple hats. You’re this sort of like trying on the, the angry unheard child hat while at the same time being the facilitator of a communication and that could get a little easily messy. I didn’t know that Katie did this kind of, work with people with the judge. And your worksheet, I wonder is that where like it was a communication [00:18:00] between Katie and someone and or was it. Could you say a little bit more about that? ’cause I heard you say you stopped doing it and used to offer it. What, what exactly did, does she do?

Todd: What I’ve observed her do is she moderates it and she’ll say, okay, you read your worksheet to the other person, ah, and then she says, as the other person, you take that in, just say thank you and receive that.

And and then and then this person. Katie herself will facilitate that person on what they wrote, and then they will start to turn it around and they’ll start to see. It can be amazing. It really can. But she moderates it. That’s really what she did. And so another factor that I didn’t mention before is that if the other person is facilitating, say it’s just two people, a couple, for example, if the other person is facilitating.

It’s also a requirement that they understand the work and that they’re not giving advice or starting [00:19:00] to use this as an opportunity to start pointing them where they should go and telling them what to do or manipulating in some way. So these are all factors to take into consideration.

But ultimately, what. The place or the environment that where the work can be done and done well is in a neutral environment. Neutral environment. And so if that can be found in a relationship, a close relationship with somebody, if that can be found with the very person that I’m angry at, then my gosh, it can, it’s probably more powerful than doing it with someone else.

But if it can’t be. Then it’s better not to go there and do it in another place that is neutral, that is safe, where I can go inside and find my own

Client: answers. Because

Todd: that’s what

Client: this book about. That is that really lands when you say that, the importance of neutrality.

And it struck me when you said that, if you, if that can be found in the, in a [00:20:00] relationship, i’m almost thinking like that relationship’s doing really well if that level of trust to be able to, so it’s almost the phrase keeps coming to mind of like advanced technique or something like that or further on in the growth growth of a relationship and growth as a person.

But, so it sounds like it, it could be really helpful. But the neutrality, I think the thing that, the reservation I had initially to the idea, I think you’ve articulated that by talking about the neutrality. I didn’t quite have the words for it. So the, or the, if the person that’s facilitating is also the what’s it offender or the offense.

Then there’s, that’s clearly why it’s an advanced technique. ’cause I have to somehow, simultaneously, or alternately hold these things, which can be quite a challenge. And why a moderator? It almost I’m almost, I’m leaving this with a feeling of I. Just doing that between two people, where they’re at these two levels together [00:21:00] seems like a real challenge and something to be done carefully or

Todd: And you can try it, right?

If your both parties are open or interested, you can try it. If they’re already open, chances are there is that trust. There is enough trust there, right? Why not? The worst that could happen is you say, you know what? This doesn’t work.

And we just go back to doing the work somewhere else, and that’s

Client: fine.

Yeah, definitely. Although in the moment of stress, it may not feel that way a few months later. It’s pretty clear that, yeah, especially if you’ve, you’re being able to have that kind of conversation with your, with someone then you’re probably pretty solid. And also just, yeah. I think the other thing I’m coming away with is the.

Importance or the real benefit of it going into the work. I’m almost feeling like for me it would need to it couldn’t really stop there because that’s where, that’s where it’s transmuted, if you will, or dissipated. It’s only a one step to vent, so to speak.

Todd: In a way we’re, it’s about giving [00:22:00] feedback, right? So there is value in giving feedback and and Byron Katie has a fair bit of training in that regard. And it’s it’s a really valuable thing. So with practice, I may be able to hear someone’s judge, your neighbor worksheet, whether it’s officially a judge, your neighbor worksheet, or somebody just yelling at me.

Off the record and see that as feedback and use and separate what’s useful and not be triggered by it. This is a skill. It’s a beautiful thing and it can be something that could be cultured from this sort of use of a judge, your neighbor worksheet. But you’re absolutely right.

The. The, going into the work of it is for me, where the transformation happens. Like I can’t just magically be good at taking feedback. I may need to do some work or I may not. Just because I’ve expressed my anger to someone may not mean that I’m now over my anger. I still need to work it and to work it.

[00:23:00] I need to have the safety to, and neutrality again, to go in and find my own answers, find my own truth. Find my own re resolution. And sometimes when I’m in the presence of that person, I may put undue pressure on myself to come up with a resolution that isn’t really my resolution. Ah. And so that can be for me a drawback to being in an, in a situation like that.

It just depends on the situation.

Client: Another thing the neutrality offers is. Or maybe the main thing, I don’t know if we’re ranking them the space for the person to find their own true, authentic answers. Their own true, authentic wisdom.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. Because otherwise it can escalate into an argument like, oh, you said that.

No, I said, no you shouldn’t be angry about that. Or, it can just go, it can be escalate right out of control if there’s no. Presence or sort of ground rules or space. But done [00:24:00] competently and gracefully. It can be huge. It can be very transformational. Yeah. And it can bring people together and give understanding for each other and compassion for each other.

It’s watching someone do the work. When they were pointing it at you and seeing them see their discoveries, it’s like a gift.

Client: It’s

Todd: really, it

Client: seems like there’s so much potential there. Yeah.

Todd: If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one that you heard just now and where you can ask your own questions or we can do the work together. Then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to open sessions. And I include a as a thank you. I include a $50 coupon to anyone to.

Who attends 10 sessions. So every 10 sessions that you attend, you’ll get another coupon to use on any of the products that I [00:25:00] offer. And this is just my way of saying thank you to those who participate and share their work with us and ask their questions with us. So go to the work as meditation.com, then open sessions.

And while you’re there, I also encourage you to check out the work 1 0 1. And this is the. Prerequisite for joining the Inquiry Circle Group that I mentioned earlier. The Work 1 0 1 will go systematically through several judger neighbor worksheets, and we’ll do a lot of work and you’ll get a real taste of how this work can be done and the subtleties that are involved in this practice.

So if you’re interested in getting digging a little deeper into the work of Byron Katie, I highly recommend the work 1 0 1.

Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called Transcending Family Values, or, sorry, transcending Family Rules.[00:26:00]

An Old Family Rule. You have to come to the cabin this summer and really every summer transcending family rules. My sister texted me recently and invited me to get together with her. We live 5,000 miles apart and she was willing to meet me halfway. She even gave two suggestions of how it could work.

Needless to say, I was touched. I’ve always been close to her, and though in recent years it’s been harder to keep up, but I also know these days that I’m just not interested in travel. Somehow COVID for me was a welcome break from travel, and I’ve been traveling my whole life and I’m just not interested yet.

In starting up again. I took a little while to respond, but eventually I shared this with her and suggested we catch up by phone or zoom at scheduled times like once a month. [00:27:00] And afterwards I felt a little guilty because I wasn’t doing much giving here. That’s what it felt like. That was my feeling like I’m not giving much here.

She’s reaching out to me. I’d like to be closer. She’d like to be closer, yet I don’t want to travel. And I noticed myself thinking there was something wrong with me for not giving here. Basically, I broke a family rule. I realized at that point that I had broken the rule, at least in my mind that I had learned from my mom.

That is, you can’t say no to someone who’s asking you to do something. It’s an unwritten rule in our family. No wonder I have trouble saying no. In fact, the idea is it’s selfish to refuse. And I remember my mom even saying that once, and that’s exactly how I was judging myself in this situation.

I suddenly started seeing myself as ungrateful or selfish, even a black sheep in the family. And [00:28:00] all of my training since I was young started to kick in. Come on, it’s not that hard. Make an effort. And I started seeing images of when my mom would look would book plane tickets for me to come home without asking if I wanted to come.

Or if she did ask, she would not take no for an answer. From this, I learned that no was not a valid answer. I had to go whether I liked it or not, and I had better find a way to like it too because she was doing me a favor. I spent many years this way. At first I resisted, but eventually I surrendered and I did enjoy myself.

As it turns out, it was a good thing that I traveled so much to mom because she died young, and I have a lot of memories because of her insistence. But COVID reminded me that I don’t actually want to travel that much. I like to travel, but I also like staying home and I don’t miss [00:29:00] the expense, the loss of momentum that I find happens when I go away, especially with my work.

And the fatigue that often comes with travel. So somehow I’m more in touch with my unpopular truth these days. So much so that I was willing to speak honestly about it to my sister who was respectful but disappointed also. Of course, my sister is not quite the same as my mom. I might still have caved in to my mom if she was still around to insist, but never, nevertheless, I see this as progress.

No is hard for me. The reason I have trouble saying no is that I was actively dissuaded from sticking to my guns as a young person. I learned that fulfilling other people’s wishes was more important than fulfilling my own, but that has been turning around for a long time now. Doing the work of Byron Katie for questions and [00:30:00] turnarounds has been a slow wake up call for me.

I now ask myself with much more frequency, what do I think? What do I want to do? And I’m willing to take the fallout that comes from not doing what others want. I still chuckle when I think of those who ask me if the work will turn you into a doormat. It’s a very common question for me. I was a doormat and the work has shown me how to stand up for myself.

There’s still a little piece of it left. The feeling of guilt is still there a little bit. There’s a little feeling of shame and self-blame, and I could feel it in this situation, and it shows me that I’m still believing some of the old story. The old family rules. The story goes like this. It’s selfish to say no.

You have to have a good reason to say no. You’ll be rejected if you say [00:31:00] no. You should make an effort to turn your NO into a yes. These are some underlying beliefs that I can now question to clean up my story even more. Life will keep testing me until I’m able to stand up for myself without any guilt at all.

I see the progress I’ve made and I see what more can be done. What are your family rules? How about you? What are the rules you are conforming to? Do they work for you? If yes, then there’s no problem. If no, then what are you afraid of? Notice your stressful thoughts and beliefs. Write them down and go through the four questions and turnarounds and search of new perspectives.

For me, this is an exciting path of self-discovery. Finally asking myself what I think. So join me and let’s walk this path together, [00:32:00] and I end with a quote from Byron Katie in her book, I Need Your Love. Is it True? The rules of each relationship dictate all the things you have to do or not do to avoid resentment.

These rules aren’t written down or even spoken. You find out what they are by breaking them.