“I’m Not Good Enough”: How Highly Sensitive People Can Navigate Overwhelm Through The Work of Byron Katie

Todd: [00:00:00] If you’ve been listening to the work of Byron Katie and you’re starting to get familiar with it, you may want to. Start to practice this work and you can do this on your own. It’s very simple but there’s a lot to the work of Byron Katie. And if you’re interested, I offer a course for going deeper in the work of Byron Katie.

It’s called the Work 1 0 1. And this course is designed to support you as you explore with the work and as you learn the process, and you’ll be doing a lot of the work. If you’re interested, I encourage you to check out the work 1 0 1 at the work as meditation.com.

Client: That I need to save money. It’s it just was like counter like. To it. You know what I mean? It was I was shocked like kind of thing. ’cause I thought it was gonna be a jump ’cause we had left the light on, so it was like a thousand dollars. I was like, oh, I need to save money.

It was just, I just went there instantly. [00:01:00] 

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And we use something called the work of Byron Katie. This is a way to question any kind of stressful thought in any kind of stressful situation. This way of identifying the thoughts and then going through and questioning whether they’re true and how you react and imagining what it would be like without them, and then playing with the opposites, the turnarounds, it’s an amazing process.

I’ve been doing it for many years and I’ve been supporting others to do it for many years, and it never continues to surprise me. It’s a process of asking yourself and getting in touch with a wisdom that is there within you and letting it be seen.

I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, we will be looking at. Several [00:02:00] different things. There is a question about how to do the work on the thought. I’m not good enough, which seems to show up everywhere, so we’ll get into that. There’s also a facilitation session where someone does the work on, I need to save money.

And then finally, I will be reading one of my newsletter articles called A Roadmap for Doing the work of Byron Katie. So let’s dive into the work together. It’s a simple, powerful way to question what you think. And we’ll start with listening to the recording of the latest open session. And as always, I share these recordings in an unedited form so that you can experience the work as it happened when we were together in this session.

Ah, yes. And I see a question coming in on the chat. How do I [00:03:00] explore, I am not good enough belief using the work. That’s a great question and you can question that thought directly. I’m not good enough. So it’s a thought, just like any other thought. It’s a huge thought. It’s one of those ones that seems to go underneath every thought and is like at the core of it all, it seems.

So it can be sometimes daunting to question this thought because it’s so huge. What can help with that is to question that thought in a specific situation. So what did in this moment when something happened and I did this and they did this, and now I believe I’m not good enough in that micro moment, it’s gonna be easier to hold, it’s gonna be easier to know what I mean, and to find meaningful examples to the turnarounds when I’m doing it that way.

Yes, I can do, I can question the thought. I’m not [00:04:00] good enough. And the more specific the situation, the better. Another way that you can deal with this is I often find that the thought I’m not good enough is how I react when I am believing something else in a stressful situation. Let’s say somebody is doing something to me, maybe they’re, not respecting me, they’re saying something disrespectful to me and when I believe they’re not being respectful to me, I’m part of how I react is I think I’m not good enough. And so I will collapse and disappear to try to get out of that situation. Like the old fight or flight idea, either some people are fighters and they’re just gonna.

Keep attacking the other person. Other people are lears. I happen to be one of those and I’ll just run in the opposite direction. And so instead of attacking the other person, I’m attacking myself, oh, I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough. [00:05:00] So one other way of working that thought is to work the thought that gave rise to that thought, which is.

He’s being disrespectful to me or whatever it is that I’m believing is making me, putting me in this position where I react and begin to think I’m not good enough. Or it could be like maybe respect isn’t a good example. Maybe he doesn’t like me, right? So he doesn’t like me.

And then what do I, how do I react? I think I’m not good enough. That would probably be a more logical situation. So I can question I’m not good enough in that situation, or I can question he doesn’t like me in that situation. And both things are going to give me a little bit of space, a little bit of wiggle room if I play with them.

So hopefully that gives a few ideas and there may be others. Always with the work, you’re just [00:06:00] listening to that emotion. ’cause it’s, the thought I’m not good enough is coming with some emotion there. So that emotion, just listen to it. There’ll be stories connected to it, there’ll be other thoughts connected to it as well as the original thought.

And just follow the breadcrumbs, one little step at a time. Do one piece of work, then another. And you can find your way into and through pretty much any stressful situation. It’s a great question though. Thank you.

All right. Does anyone else have a question or someone want to do the work? 

Client: I’ll do the work. 

Todd: Okay. Yeah, let’s do it. So what is the stressful situation for you? 

Client: So we have a older car and it seems we just keep putting money into it, and it wasn’t, it wouldn’t start and the mechanic came. He said it’s gonna be a thousand dollars and.

I had the thought [00:07:00] that I need to save money. It’s it just was like counter like to it, it was I was shocked like, kind of thing. ’cause I thought it was gonna be a jump ’cause we had left the light on, so it was like a thousand dollars. I was like, oh, I need to save money.

It was just, I just went there instantly. 

Todd: Great. So situation’s really clear you need to save money. Is it true in this situation where you need, you would need to put another thousand dollars in, you need to save money. Is it true?

Client: No.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you’re believing that you need to save money?

Client: I’m really tight ’cause I’m like angry ’cause I don’t like this car. And I’m like, oh my God, another thousand dollars in this [00:08:00] car. I don’t even like it. And

The, the rational brain said. It doesn’t start, there’s, you can’t sell it. There’s nothing you can do. It has to be fixed. It was like, but I had that like tightness and

my husband was there. I got I. Under, underneath it all. I was like really mad at him. ’cause I’m thinking, you like this car? I don’t like this car. It’s here we go again. So I was blaming him for something that really, if he wasn’t even in the picture, I would’ve made the same decision. So I, that wasn’t rational either. But I could see it and I, was controlling it and.

The mechanic I turned on in my mind like, you’re ripping me off. I don’t know anything about this. You’re taking advantage of [00:09:00] me. It was like all this stuff was going on and like on the outside, like I was fine. I was like a reasonable movie human being, but inside I was like fighting everybody and mad and tense and.

Wanting it to be over, just write the check and it’ll be over. 

Todd: Yeah. It’s so interesting how you say on the outside you were fine, but on the inside all of this was going on and I think this is such an important point. When. When answering this question, how do I react? It’s not just what I do on the outside that counts, but what I do on the inside, because that is what influences my internal experience.

This is about my internal experience. So yeah, all those reactions are, you describe them so [00:10:00] well. That’s how you react. So imagine now that you were in that situation again. But this time you didn’t have the thought that you need to save money. Who would you be? What would your experience be? What would there be any difference?

Client: I. Yeah, before I had the thought, I was glad that the guy showed up, and I was glad that when, even though he said it was a thousand dollars I was glad he said he could take care of it right away. So I was liking him on those, that part of it

Without the thought, I need to save money.[00:11:00] 

Towards my husband. It just would’ve been like I know you wanna do this, so that’s fine. I know you like this car, so it’s fine. It’s really not a problem. Like just go do it.

I wouldn’t have had that whole challenge of how do I appear? I don’t wanna get into a fight, I don’t wanna be perceived as mean or, I wouldn’t have had all that. How are they perceiving what I’m saying going on and am I covering it up well enough to be presentable kind of thing. So I wouldn’t have had to go through all of that, which was very uncomfortable.

It’s very, fast.

Todd: Yeah. So just. [00:12:00] A lot simpler without the thought

job needs to be done. 

Client: Yeah. We have the money. We have the 

Todd: money. My husband wants to do it. Yeah. He 

Client: wants it. It’s worth a thousand dollars to keep him happy, really. He says, oh, I really love this car. I’m like, I know. It’s I know you do.

Todd: So interesting to see how this one thought changes everything. You were even glad for them to the mechanic to show up and then, 

Client: yeah, and 

Todd: then as soon as you heard the thousand dollars then Oh, okay.

Yeah. 

Client: It was like all the color changed, it was like everything was colorful and fine and we were having a good day, and then I heard a thousand dollars and it all went black and white. It all went like panic mode.

Todd: Yep. Exactly. [00:13:00] So how would you turn the thought around, I need to save money?

Client: I could go as far as I am saving money because he’s gonna keep this car and we’ve already been down the road of how much it would cost to replace this car and that we really couldn’t get much for it if we sold it. And we’ve already been down that road. So this is where we are. So I can turn around and say this was the cheapest way out was a thousand dollars to have the car fixed.

So I am actually saving money from him going out and buying a, could never buy a car for a thousand dollars. So I am saving money. Really cool, rational, rationally. I don’t need to save money 

Todd: because I’m saving money, i’m saving 

Client: money actually from buying another car. A 

Todd: new car or a new used car is not gonna be $1,000.

It’s gonna be [00:14:00] many thousand dollars. Yeah.

Client: And I need to save money. Okay. So then I just had another turnaround because he I said to my husband let me just, he was writing a check. I said, let me make sure that’s available in the bank. I might have to switch money. And I came back and I didn’t even have to switch money. There was money in the checking account, so it was fine.

Todd: So you didn’t need to save money, you have account? No, because it was, account had the money available account 

Client: and what I consider once it’s in the JV account, it’s called, it’s that’s just money that goes away. 

Todd: It wasn’t in a savings account or something else. It wasn’t a, that wasn’t 

Client: in a CD that I had to break and lose, penalty.

It was like it was just there. Piece of paper. 

Todd: Yeah. It didn’t mean that now you won’t be having groceries for the next week or two. Yeah. Because you had to spend the money on the car.

Client: Nothing [00:15:00] is going to change in our world, in reality. Yeah. Other than the car will be fixed. That will be, 

Todd: yeah.

So that’s what we mean by a story, right? The story is, I need to save money, but it’s just a story. The reality is. The money’s there. We don’t need it for other reasons. It’s cheaper than buying another car. Like all the things that add up there’s not actually any need to save money here.

So it’s like, where did you get this thought? Where did it come from originally? It’s have you been using this thought for a long time? Maybe, I don’t know. 

Client: Many decades. Yeah. I was one of those kids who said, when was the first time I dunno if you had a Christmas club at your bank, but you gave them a dollar every week and you had a little [00:16:00] book and they’d stamp it and that was the best day of the week for me.

When I put my dollar in, it was like, as a kid, I loved that. It was like saving money has always been I don’t know. It just, I love it. I do. 

Todd: So it’s like you got trained in that, like Really? Yeah. And it’s a good thing you got trained in something that’s, that some people never get trained in and it became very positive for you.

Wonderful. Except that it’s one sided, because sometimes we have to spend money too. And, but the training is only put in. Only put in. Only put in. And where’s the balance there? This is how life tends to move us back towards balance. Okay, now I’m having to challenge my original ideas that I need to only save money.

In fact, that’s the thought under these, this, underneath this thought, I need to save money. It’s almost like I need to only save money [00:17:00] and not spend it or spend as little as possible or something like that. And a turnaround is, I need to save money and I need to spend money.

Client: Yeah, you have to spend money. It’s like you have to. And then I do, I ask why I myself, why? What is this money for anyway? What is it really for all the savings? What is that for? 

Todd: Exactly. I was recently just looking at my money stories from when I was young and I was seeing similar things.

Like my dad always would have me buy like silver coins with the money that I that I earned from cutting grass and doing odd jobs. And it was like that was what you’re supposed to do with money. And money didn’t really have a purpose for me other than it’s like a little medallion that you have.

It’s like a proof that you did something or some, it’s like a gold star you put on your [00:18:00] forehead, yay, I got money, but what is it for? And now I really love budgeting because budgeting is looking at the balance between spending and saving and finding the big picture and allocating money for different things and I love that.

But it’s very easy to get caught in. Just one side, I need to save money or the other side equally stressful. I need to spend money either way. But somehow the two have to balance just like an original thought and a turnaround balance.

So I know you were disconnected there for a second, but is there any other turnaround for you? I need to save money.

Client: So I don’t need to save money. It’s like we have everything we basically want. If [00:19:00] there’s, there isn’t anything that we, really want that we don’t have or can’t get, it’s. It’s really it’s such a hold me back, my mind of, around this whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. And in reality it’s not true.

But to let go of that whole, 

Todd: yeah. Oh. So you may need to find more and more examples to show that part of you that’s still holding on that it’s okay that I actually don’t need to save money. ’cause until, see, like we culture these thoughts early, some of these thoughts we’ve had for decades and we’ve had lots of proof.

Lots of reinforcement for why that thought is true. And so when we do the work, we’re countering that. [00:20:00] We’re balancing that by finding examples to the opposite, but there may be so much, so many examples in there from the past that you may need to spend more time in the work. Finding more examples and continuing to count the balance, 

Client: override it, like 

Todd: That’s right.

That’s right. So what’s another example? You don’t need to save money.

Client: My husband and I are exactly on the same page when it comes to money. So it’s like I don’t need to attack him in any way because I don’t need to save money ’cause he’s not a spender. Any more than I am. It’s like we have the same sensibility when it comes to what we spend money on.

So I don’t need to say money ’cause he’s not often an opposite direction. 

Todd: You’re not at risk [00:21:00] of all the money disappearing suddenly because of some large purchase. Yeah.

Client: I don’t need to see money.

Because in June he’ll be getting social security and that’s going to be like money falling out of the sky. He was so excited. We’ve never gotten money for doing absolutely nothing every month. That’s I keep telling him I’m waiting for June. I’m waiting for June. And he’s whatcha gonna do with it?

Go put it in the bank.

Todd: What else do you do with money? You just put it away.

Client: Yeah. So that’s the big one. That’s gonna be like [00:22:00] incredible for the first time in our lives to, have it coming in, guaranteed. 

Todd: I dunno about you, but sometimes the way it works for me is I’ll have money come in and then I’ve saved it. I save it somewhere, and then I act as if I don’t have any money.

It’s not true. Not true, maybe so I don’t need to save money. That gives me the idea that I can play with how much I save, how much do I put into savings? I can put all of it into savings and then be poor. Like I don’t have any money. I can put 10% in, I can put 20% in, I can put 30%, I could put whatever percent I want and I can change that percent depending on what feels right to me.

Then when I’m the person changing how much I put in or how much I don’t put in, it feels like I have some say in how much money I [00:23:00] have to spend. So I don’t need to spend, I don’t need to save money. I don’t need to save all of it, or I don’t need to save X amount of it. It could be that could be up for discussion.

So this is a good one to sit in. This is a good one for, I think almost everyone. It’s such an interesting topic, this topic of money, and it’s really just thinking, my thinking, that’s what makes money a big deal, is my thinking. Otherwise, it’s just little. Numbers. I don’t, you don’t even have paper hardly anymore.

It’s just numbers. And, but it’s my thinking that makes it stressful or not stressful. And I can think in a balanced way without [00:24:00] it. Or I can think in a less balanced way and I can, there’s all kinds of, this is a whole world, this is why I created this course with Grace Bell on Living With Money, where we look at all the different kind of stresses that can come up.

Around this topic and the beauty is you don’t have to go very far. Life will show you tomorrow some issue around money, and you can use that as a starting point to do this work. You don’t have to be a super researcher to do the work. That’s one of the things I love about it. You don’t have to know much at all.

Just trust this. I got stressed about money in this situation. What were my thoughts? Let me question them and then see where I go. You can always trust that. You would like to participate in open sessions like the one we just heard now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open [00:25:00] sessions page.

And there you can see the upcoming schedule. You can find out how to get started, sign the release form so that you can participate in these sessions and ask your questions and do the work here. Just as you’ve been hearing. While you’re there at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to check out the work 1 0 1.

This is my ongoing course. It’s about, I don’t know, 45 lessons and it can take you anywhere from about. Two months, three months up to a year, and I encourage you to check it out, see if it might be a fit for you, because if you’re interested in the work of Byron Katie, this is a great way to go deeper with it and to become more self-sufficient in this practice.

Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called. A roadmap for doing the work of Byron Katie.[00:26:00] 

How do you get from where you are to where you want to be? There are some established roads to make your travels easier, a roadmap for doing the work of Byron Katie. The work of Byron Katie is a big highway allowing anyone open to it to move from feeling stressed and stuck to experiencing more freedom and happiness.

Just like a freeway. It is simple and efficient. It just sits there. It’s up to you how far you want to go. I have been doing the work myself for many years, and I have supported others to do it for just as long, observing myself and others over the years. I see three main stages in the journey. Many people stop at stage one.

Others go further. I encourage you here to stretch beyond your normal way of being with the work stage one. [00:27:00] Learning by osmosis, the first stage of doing the work is not to do it, but to watch others doing the work, to listen as they work, or to read their work. By being exposed to the work of others, you can get a lot of ideas for your own freedom in different situations.

This is also the stage where you can start to examine any doubts you may have about the work. It’s a safe, non-committal way to join the work party and enjoy some of the insights. It can also be inspiring even as an experienced practitioner of the work, just listening to other people do. The work always brings new insights and new ideas.

This stage is like the entrance ramp onto the highway. If you want to go the distance, you can’t stay here on the entrance ramp forever, but it’s a great way to get up to speed before merging onto the fast moving highway. There are many ways to engage in the work like [00:28:00] this. In this stage of kind of learning by osmosis.

I list here the practical ways that I can support you in this respect. First of all, you can get my newsletter, which comes out every week and has some insight or story connected to the work. You can listen to the Wiggle Room podcast and hear others doing the work and hear their questions and answers.

You can join my open sessions, which are live sessions to listen to the work and ask your questions. There with me directly, you can also watch over a hundred videos on my YouTube channel or search my website for over 500 articles on the work, on many different topics. So there’s many different ways that you can engage with the work, become familiar with the work, and test it out before diving in completely on your own.

Stage two is starting to engage with the work. Once you wa watch the work for a while and read or listen to it, [00:29:00] you may be inspired to give it a try yourself. This is the next stage. Actively participating in doing the work is very different from passively experiencing it. This is like coming off of the entrance ramp and starting to accelerate.

You’re still in the slow lane, but you can start to gain more velocity than you could on the entrance ramp. Engaging with the work is when the process of self-inquiry starts to wake up more fully. You’re dealing with your own personal stuff and you’re asking the questions to yourself, and this process of asking your.

Questions to yourself lies at the heart of what the work is. It’s self-inquiry. So when I ask myself and then I wait for answers to come, that’s when I start engaging that deeper part of myself, which really is wise and can show me things that I would not expect. This is when new confidence begins to form.

And you start to listen to yourself, to look to yourself for [00:30:00] your own wisdom, and it starts to become less intellectual, less separate, less distant, and more of something that touches your heart. Again, there are many ways to move into this stage. Here’s how I can support you to accelerate your experience of the work.

First of all, there’s the startup kit, which is a great way to use templates to begin doing the work on your own. You just follow the directions and work through them. Private sessions can also be a great support, a kind of hybrid where you are engaging, but you also have support as you go in the form of facilitations.

And this is one-on-one with me. It’s like having a driver’s education teacher in the car while you start to accelerate on the highway. The driver’s not driving. You’re the driver’s education. Teacher’s not driving, you’re driving, but the teacher’s there available for you. If you have doubts or questions or need some kind of feedback as you go.

Open sessions is another way you can start to [00:31:00] engage in the work, and this is when you actually do the work with me. This is available for free for anyone and it’s every week and you can just bring your stressful situation and we’ll work through it together. Then there’s the work one-on-one course, which gives you lots of assignments to actually do the work, and you’ll learn a lot from doing in this process.

Virtual retreats is like a burst of experience of doing the work in one weekend. So the work 1 0 1 is over several months or even a year, whereas virtual retreats is done in just one weekend work. 1 0 1 is more written and the virtual retreats is more spoken, although the Work 1 0 1 also does some spoken work.

Then there’s the Living with Money course, which is full of exercises you can do to question your stressful thoughts about money. So this is a way, again, of engaging. Then there’s the finding the door to inquiry book, which is also a way to overcome [00:32:00] obstacles in identifying the stressful thoughts to question.

So a lot of times we think the work is just going through, is it true and how do you react and doing turnarounds like that. But the work starts with. Looking for what is the stressful thought that’s bothering me. And this book, finding the Door to Inquiry can help you identify the stressful thoughts so that you can go through the questions after that.

So as you can see, there are a lot of options here for beginning to engage with the work. And this stage of engage includes two basic things, doing the work and training in how to do the work. So both are important. Doing the work and just improving your ability to do this process. It’s a simple process, but it’s subtle and it’s, there’s a lot to it when you actually get down to it.

And so having some training can be a big support in having a [00:33:00] feeling of confidence as you’re doing the work. And all of the options above include both things. Doing the work and training, how to do the work, and engaging in these ways can strongly accelerate your progress and profic proficiency in doing the work.

So this leads us to the last stage, stage three, establishing an ongoing practice of the work. This last stage is a special lane on the highway, the fast lane where you can start to really pick up momentum and there’s no obstacle in the way. That means that you’ve, you understand how to do the work, you’re, you’ve got enough training and confidence to do it, and you have enough confidence in the work itself that you’re not doubting it all the time, and you can actually start to use it without resistance.

When you do the work every day, or every few days, or even once a week, the experience of the work changes. Instead of being a process to use in case of emergencies, the work becomes a [00:34:00] way of living, a kind of preventive maintenance and a joy to practice. Results are so normal and effortless that you hardly count them anymore.

When you’re in stage one, you’re really looking at is it gonna work? Is it gonna work? It’s all about can it solve my problem? And then even in stage two, you’re, there’s still a bit of emphasis on getting out of the stress and trying to. Get things working right. But by stage three it starts to become a different feeling.

It’s just, I’m just doing this because I like to do it. I’m doing this because I’ve set a routine of doing it and it’s, I’m not counting, I’m not looking for results. And that actually accelerates the process even more. So all these things kind of work together to begin to grow the experience and accelerate your progress with it.

In this stage of ongoing practice, I notice more buoyancy and happiness in every area of my life. And I look forward to sessions because they are [00:35:00] enjoyable. I do the work because I enjoy doing the work. This is like driving an amazing new car down a smooth, open road. In fact, as you continue down this road, don’t be surprised if you start to lift off.

The spirit of the work starts to be alive to support you in every moment, giving you a lot of freedom and the ability to navigate any situation with increasing ease. So that is really what happens, as you do this work more and more on an ongoing basis and regularly, it starts to really be a part of your muscles and.

Any stressful situation that comes up, even if you don’t do the work on it, it gets digested, it gets worked, it gets turned around and you don’t get caught by it. So here are some of the ways that I can support you if you want to use the work to its fullest. And that means like doing it as an ongoing kind of practice.

One is Inquiry Circle and this unique program is designed to support you [00:36:00] in an ongoing practice. That’s why I created it. This is where I do the work every day, and it’s a community of others who also like driving in the fast lane. This is unique because it’s a course that continues. It’s not just a weekend, it’s not just a month.

It’s not just here and there. It is an ongoing course and some of us have been doing the work in there for 10 years or more. Then within Inquiry Circle, I have something called the Breakfast Club. Byron, Katie often says, do the work for breakfast. It’s her way of saying, make it a regular routine. Do it as part of your day, and then have a great life.

So I have something called the Breakfast Club within Inquiry Circle, and it’s a special program for those who wanna build up to doing the work every day like I do. And this is a. Very simple, but effective way to keep you stretching in this direction without pushing yourself. So if you’re interested in that, then go through the work 1 0 1, come into Inquiry Circle, and you [00:37:00] can take advantage of it as well.

And finally, another way to make the work an ongoing practice in addition to doing it on your own completely solo, is to have regular private sessions with me. And this can be another support just for the time that you have set aside the appointment. And and then the regularity of that if you set it up that way.

So there you have it, three stages. I encourage you simply to see where you are if you want to take it to the next level. There’s a well-traveled road you can use to go wherever you would like to go with the work. My job remains the same in all cases. I’m a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie.

The word facilitator comes from the root to make easy, and that’s how I see my job. If I can make it easier in any way for you to engage with the work of Byron Katie, it will be my pleasure to support you in this way. You can learn more about any of my programs at the work as [00:38:00] meditation.com, and then go to the products page to see all of the different products.

Some are free, some are paid, and you’ll find something there that may support you. So I’ll end with a quote from Byron Katie from her book, loving What is, I couldn’t stop hurting my children and myself. As I realized what was true for me with the questions alive inside me, the doing changed. The problem stopped.