Is Fear of Pain Keeping You From Doing Your Inner Work? Insights on the Path for Highly Sensitive People

Todd: [00:00:00] You want extra support in doing the work, or you want to go into something that’s a little bit delicate for you, then a private session can be a great way to support yourself in going inward in this way. Basically, a facilitator like myself. Can hold you in this work and gently allow you to answer the questions so that you can get what you need when it may be harder for you to hold yourself in that.

So if you want to do that from time to time, I offer private sessions. You can find them at the work as meditation.com. Under private sessions

Client: after doing the work and the work. I guess I, it opened up so much that sometime I find myself afraid to sit down and actually question things. And I guess because it was so big, when I actually [00:01:00] went through the work,

Todd: welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around.

And I use something called the work of Byron Katie. I. If you haven’t heard of this process, it’s a simple way of questioning any stressful thought that you may have. Normally we just have stressful thoughts, but this is a way of questioning those thoughts, and when you start to question your own thoughts, you start to have a little more space on them, especially when they’re stressful kinds of thoughts.

I’m Todd Smith, and on the program today, a participant does the work on a. Resistance thought that she has about doing the work of Byron Katie. And her thought is that it will be painful to open up and to get into some of the stuff that she’d rather keep pushing it down. So she does the work on it will be painful to do the work and it’s a very interesting inquiry and I [00:02:00] think you’ll enjoy listening after that.

I will be reading my newsletter article called. If facilitating is easy, why is there so much training? So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together. The recording of the session comes from my open sessions, and these are a weekly call that I have. And it’s a way for you to join in, ask questions, and do the work.

And as always, the recordings are unedited so that you can experience exactly what happens in this kind of work session. So let’s jump in. I hope you enjoy it and we’ll see you on the other side.

Client: Oh, me. You can tell. I’m gonna say my name’s Susan. I’m an alcoholic,

Hi.

[00:03:00] Actually working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and beating myself up to death with my progress stick. So my psychiatrist said, would you like to do the work? And I said, sure, I’ll try anything. And, I guess maybe I’d like to question something about because I’m still not able to really work the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

See, I wanna put this on. Okay. I know I don’t wanna work. I am afraid to do the work,

and I, and maybe I’m conclude a little more there because it might be something else. After doing the work in the work I guess I, I. It opened up so much that sometime I find myself afraid to sit down and actually question things. And I guess because it was so big, when I actually went through the work but it was so meaningful.

It opened up so much in me. It’s almost scary. And there’s a part of me that does that says, no, I mean it like, shut the door on it. [00:04:00] Shut the door on it. Don’t do it, and I don’t know why that is. What I don’t understand that I know I still have the problem that I can’t type.

You remember? 

Todd: Yeah.

Client: I said typing 

Todd: is not a prerequisite if you’re doing the work.

Yes. Yes. Except for in that case, yes. But this is a really good point. This is something that I think many people can relate to. I can relate to it. Even there’s certain places that I’m even a little, I. Scared to go to look, even with the work, as much as I love the work and feel comfortable with the work, there’s certain areas are like, oh, do I go there?

Can I go there? And the feeling is something like that. It will open up too much or it’s too big. It will, let’s brainstorm a little bit. Your thoughts. Like you said something like that, it will open up too much or it’s too big, but let’s brainstorm a little bit. What are some of the.

The things [00:05:00] you’re afraid will happen if you go into the work a little more. 

Client: When I first got sober, I did a searching fearless moral inventory, which I did a, resentment list on people and

That’s before I learned anything about the work. I’m going back through for the second time of doing a fourth step and I’m finding that I’m not able to do it and I’m thinking you know what you can do, you can take these resentments and do the work on them.

Yeah. Because it’s a judge your neighbor worksheet, and that’s exactly what they are, is resentments about people. 

Todd: Correct. Yes. Many people say that the work and 12 step programs are very compatible. The work is compatible with pretty much anything but it, it’s very, you can take those resentments, that resentment list and use that as.

An opportunity to do the work on various people, various situations. It’s just a [00:06:00] rich repository of stressful situations that can be worked. Yeah, 

Client: But going back to 

Todd: your original fear, going back to your original fear, it’s okay, so if you start doing that, what are you afraid will happen?

Client: That little girl get all anxious up in there and the little girl without full time all during the work. And I remember Michelle helped me a lot with some of the little girl parts and it was scary. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. So what are you afraid that little girl will do? Or experience or make you experience?

What are you afraid of?

Client: Growing up? [00:07:00] Maybe finding out who I am. 

Todd: So you don’t want to find out who you are. 

Client: I do. Yeah. But I know. It’s like taking that step out, just like really, my foot in the water. And and since I did the work in the work session during those eight or nine weeks, whatever it was, it was painful, it was painful and it was very freeing. It’s like a, it’s like a push pull in me, it was painful, to bring all that stuff out and then it was freeing. It was very freeing because I didn’t know there was a me in me. I didn’t know there was anything good to draw from here.

And the work opened all that up.

Todd: Yeah. But the fear is it will be painful again to if you start bringing that stuff out. 

Client: There’s definitely a reason why I don’t get my feet in the water again. When I actually graduated or got my certificate, I was like yeah. A lot of coaxing from [00:08:00] you and it’s just something in there that, that says.

Don’t do that. Maybe there’s a part of me that doesn’t want that free. There’s a part, a big part that does, but then there’s something that pushes back. It’s like that scared little girl that’s in there that says, ho. No, don’t go there. 

And there’s a lot of work I wanna do, like mom before she, because she’s 87 years old.

There’s some things there. My brother and I know you always told me, mother, father, sister, brother, you can get the root of most of your troubles.

Yeah. 

Todd: Let’s play with this. Would you say this is close anyway. That it will be painful.

To what keeps you

Client: yeah. 

Todd: Close to what keeps you just dipping your toe in. Yeah. 

Client: And you think it’s all right to questions because I know you, you always say it’s better to question somebody else, instead of myself. 

Todd: There’re different [00:09:00] types of stressful thoughts and I would say most are.

Judging somebody, right? Judge your neighbor worksheet, and like I said, mother, father, brother, sister, teacher, student, client, boss. All those people, those are where I do most of my work. But this is more questioning a resistance thought to actually doing the work. So it’s like a, an underlying belief that is lurking.

And it can be questioned directly. So it’s not a judge your neighbor worksheet, but it is a stressful thought and as such, it can be questioned the same way. 

Client: Maybe this will help me to be able to get in there and really do some work on a step forward that I was working on. 

Todd: Okay, let’s play with it because it applies both to, it applies to doing the 12 steps as well. But let’s keep it focused for now on doing the work on [00:10:00] any of those resentments or something that you wanna do the work on, so it will be painful. Is it true? 

Client: Yes. Yes. 

Todd: And can you absolutely know? It’s true. It will be painful if you do the work.

Client: No.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you think it will be painful and you consider doing the work on, say that resentment list or on your mom or on other topics? How do you react when you think it’ll be painful? 

Client: My body gets tight.

I get a knot in my stomach.[00:11:00] 

My fingers just it’s like my whole body just gets a little tightness in it. My jaw gets tight.

Some wrinkles in my forehead.

Tightness in my chest.

What 

Todd: are the past images you see when you think it will be painful? Doing the work,

Client: the res, the resistance. Maybe resistance isn’t the right word I wanna use. I.

Remembering the different facilitators that, that

were there to help me with my turnarounds [00:12:00] because I was getting ’em all confused. The fear of the opening up, something that’s been close up for a long time. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah.

So as your mind thinks about that and it’ll be painful, what do you see? What are the images? What are the 

Client: memories? I can see tears.

I can see that. Oh, wow.

Lots of energy going [00:13:00] on.

Todd: And do you see the times in the past where you did the work and it was 

Client: painful?

There was a lot of pain and I. The one I did on my mom and on my dad. And it was painful to my mind. My mind was just so sure that and it’s, that is leading up to what? The fear that I have now and the resistance that I have now, it’s gonna be just like that. Yeah,

exactly. So that’s the fear. It’ll be 

Todd: painful. It’ll be like when you worked on your dad or worked on your mom. 

Client: Golly, I need to be quiet because I, it just opened up [00:14:00] some other things there.

My turnarounds. 

Todd: Yeah.

So how do you treat the work when you think it will be painful? 

Client: I don’t think I treat it good because I don’t give it a chance to, I just throw it down. I mean it’s,

and I don’t treat me well either because I know that during this second time of doing my four step it ask, where have I done the same thing that I am resentful of these people at? I’m going, this is like the work. This isn’t the work.

Todd: They’re both work. Like the work 

Client: is why I doing the work on this. [00:15:00] 

Todd: Yeah. It’s a turnaround.

So when you think it will be painful, how do you treat the work? How do you treat the fourth step? How do you treat anywhere moving in that direction?

Client: With lots of resistance not giving it a fair shot. I’ve given myself a fair shot.

Yeah,

the need and want to be free. And then as you described, the need and want to be free is not, I’m not giving myself that. And that’s why I got sober is I wanted to be free. 

I’ve never been free and you know the free I’m talking about. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah.

So when you think it’s gonna be painful to do this [00:16:00] work, I. Then you just, there goes your toe in it, 

Client: there goes to free, there goes 

Todd: the free, yeah. I’ll just wait on that. Yep. Yeah, totally understandable. When you’re believing that, of course, safety first, right? Stay away, it’s gonna be painful. I’m not going there.

But who would you be without the thought that it would be painful? 

Client: Wow, I could possibly be free. Definitely with a lot less tension in my face and my chest and tightness in my jaws and my forehead. Wow. May be able to put the little girl to some kind of rest there. I could give myself a chance to gain the freedom that I wanted so much that I want so much. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. So notice how this thought, even if it’s unconscious, gets in the way of [00:17:00] doing any work and.

Without the thought and suddenly the interest is there. Oh yeah. 

Client: And the jaw tightness has subsided a little bit. Wow. The knot in my gut’s gone. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Golly. 

Todd: Yeah. So that’s the power of this particular thought, this little belief. It’s gonna be painful. Is enough to tighten everything up and stop me from doing even what I want to do.

Move towards freedom by doing some work. That’s the power of a thought. So let’s try turning the thought around. 

Client: Okay. 

Todd: It will be painful.

Client: It will not be painful. 

Todd: It will not be painful. That’s the simple opposite. So [00:18:00] how could it be true? How could it be as true or truer that doing your work, maybe on these resentments, maybe on your mother, maybe on anything, won’t be painful? 

Client: You’re right, that thought thing, one little thought, just really, you can mess up the whole circus here.

Because whether, it was freeing when I did it the first time, it was very freeing. I found out the truth about something that I had kept to myself for 40 years, and I had also found out the truth that I had put all the rage and stuff towards the wrong person.

It was amazing. It wasn’t just one truth. I found out, by doing that one judgment, it was like two or three different truths that I found. So 

Todd: yeah, [00:19:00] 

Client: the pain came in, I think, I don’t know whether they say ego or what, trying to get me to see where, this was, I don’t know if that’s the right word.

Because I fought it. I fought it. I was, 

Todd: yeah,

that might be partly where the pain comes from. The fighting. Yeah. 

Client: Yes.

Todd: Yeah. Truth in and of itself is truth. It’s just what it is. But my resistance to it can make it a 

Client: yes, 

Todd: It can feel like a battle, it can feel painful. 

Client: And I feel like I’m robbing myself of being able to find other truths by hanging on to one specific worksheet and the.

Freedom that it gave me, and I’m trying to call it pain. 

Or I am calling it pain and I’m not really [00:20:00] looking, I’m not giving myself the chance to look at it and the right view because nothing ever brought me that freedom. Nothing. And it was just like doing the work. That’s all it was.

Just honestly going and doing the work, and.

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Honest has a lot to do with it. 

Todd: Yeah. Honesty leads to freedom and hiding or pushing it down. You can push it down far enough where you almost don’t feel it, but it’s still there. Oh yeah. And the tension is still there, but. Bringing it out feels like I’m bringing in, I’m going into the pain a little bit, but it’s release of pain as opposed to creating pain.

It’s different kind of pain 

Client: and there’s a lot of work that I wanna do. Oh my mom, I remember you telling me about you doing work on your [00:21:00] mom when she died, and how free and freeing that was because my mother’s not doing well and I have brother issues too, and we did some work on Big Brother.

Todd: Yeah. 

So how could it be that doing the work on your brother, doing the work on your mother wouldn’t be necessarily painful? 

Client: Because in the end it wasn’t painful at all. It was very freeing. It’s the only thing that ever freed me of. You know that childhood and molestation, the only thing, 

Todd: yeah.

Client: It let me receive the real truth.

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: And it also allowed me to be able to see that I had been angry at the wrong person for a long time.

The pain comes, won’t 

Todd: be painful in here. Won’t be. That’s term 

Client: the pain comes from my brain. [00:22:00] 

Todd: Where does that come from? Can you find it? Like where does that come from? The work 

Client: wasn’t painful. The, my head, it causes me pain. 

Todd: Yeah. Interesting. So we have the story that the work is painful, but it.

May not be the work. The work was actually freeing, but my story of, oh my gosh, this is serious. This is painful. This is a big deal. My 

Client: thinking is painful. 

Todd: My thinking is painful. Yeah. 

Client: That’s the story. 

Todd: Yeah. I. The work is the ironic part is the work is like the antidote to thinking. It’s what balances my thinking?

But I’m saying no, the work will be painful if I do it 

Client: oh wow. Yeah. Don’t do 

Todd: it.

Client: I’m like, and you can’t say that you can’t type because you, you made it where you [00:23:00] can hand write it and put it into the inquiry circle. 

Todd: Yeah, nowadays there’s even I know some of the transcription devices are really good, like on phones and things, 

Client: really, 

Todd: You can do it that way or, yeah, or you can do it in spoken form.

You don’t have to do it in written form. You can do the work with another person

though. Like for example, right now we’re doing the work in spoken form. And in a way it’s easy. You don’t have to write anything. 

Client: My brain would tell me things like, you can’t do it with the facilitator. If it’s not Todd, you can’t do it. You gotta do it, Todd. And you remember I asked you, I’m like, there’s people on here telling me what to do.

You said, yeah, they’re their facilitators and you listen to ’em. I’m like, huh?

Todd: Four questions and turnarounds. That’s what the work [00:24:00] is. And a facilitator just gives you those four questions and turnarounds, that’s all. So we’re in the turnaround. It won’t be painful. Can you find any more examples how it won’t be painful or it might not be painful if you dive in and did some deep work?

Client: And I have to look at, recently I did the work again on my daughter with you. It wasn’t painful. It was very freeing, when she was cutting herself. I’ve done the work on my husband walking out on me that night and it was very freeing. It wasn’t painful. 

Todd: So nice to find the counter examples.

You’ve been focused on the one example of working on child moles, molestation. From 40 years ago, and then you’re assuming that all work is gonna be is gonna be 

Client: All that long. That’s not true because I’ve done the work even in the last month, or so I’ve done it. It wasn’t painful.

It was very freeing. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. And if you even look [00:25:00] closely to that work that you did on the molestation, like when you actually look at the work itself, like actually going through the four questions and turnarounds. How painful was it?

Client: I’d have to look back at that. Know, I just shut the door there. I’m like, shut.

I know by memory what I found out. But yeah, that would be interesting to go back and look at, just the steps, that I went through there. I don’t know. I don’t know. I would hear me.

Todd: Basically, it was, it was the work. 

Client: I lost you. I can’t hear you.

Todd: Okay. Hold on. 

Client: There you go. I can hear you now. 

Todd: Testing. Okay. Can you hear me now? Okay. Yeah. It was the work and it was four questions. So you were probably asked, is it true? Can you absolutely know it’s true? And yeah, 

Client: my mom didn’t relate how they react. React, [00:26:00] yeah. 

Todd: So answering those questions, have you experienced the actual answering of the questions to be painful in comparison to thinking about, oh my gosh, I don’t wanna bring up this big issue.

I.

Client: Because I, the questions themselves, I remember now that we went through what happened when I told and she, she packed up my things and got me outta Sant. So she did believe me at that point. And then, some other things happened and I didn’t go back to Sant for a long time. It was just like one thing backed up behind another that just, was like the found foundation laid in place for this whole truth to come out, without a good foundation, you don’t, you can’t build anything on it.

The, because we went through like days, of doing the work, on, it was days that I went through that. So it was like one thing built on top of another and it was like, yeah, she did believe me.[00:27:00] 

Todd: So was there anything in that process, the actual questioning that was painful other than your thinking about it? 

Client: Me? 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Me and my thinking. 

Todd: My, exactly. 

Client: Does that make sense? 

Todd: My thinking? It does make sense. My thinking goes something like this. Oh, this is a big deal. Oh, this is, serious. Oh, this is, 

Client: oh my God, they’re 40 

Todd: years old.

Yeah. Oh. The, oh my God. That kind of thing. That’s painful. Like it amps it up, makes it something huge. And what the work does, what those questions do is they reverse that process. They just say, oh. Was it, what was it, what you thought actually happened? How much of it was caused by your thinking?

How much, like how serious was it? Like it’s, it brings it back down to size. 

Client: [00:28:00] So my, so much of it was caused by my thinking because as I think back I’m like, you are the one that, that put yourself in the floorboard of the car during this time. You’re my thinking. Did that not the work. 

Todd: The thinking, love and drama and loves to make it what 

Client: I did to me.

Todd: And that’s it. That’s it. Wow. That, that 

Client: provide gave me a lot of room there. Wow.

Todd: That’s cool. That’s a cool turnaround. So the work, doing the work, I. It doesn’t necessarily have to be painful, just depends on what thinking I bring along with the work. Yeah. Ly that can make it painful or not. 

Client: Absolutely. I just got like a Yeah. Really open thing, open space here to where I’m thinking I, I might can do my resentment with my resentments on here and get rid of this stuff.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. It comes to me many times, even though, like I say, there’s [00:29:00] some things that I probably tiptoe around and still are a little fearful to, to do, but I do most of the time. Most of the time I’m excited to do the work. I really am. And it’s I wonder what I’m gonna learn and I wonder what I’m gonna release.

And it’s just like a. It’s exploring and it’s a surprise. And I usually come away feeling more light and more buoyant and so that’s more in the same vein here of it won’t necessarily be painful. My thinking about it could be that’s a different thing 

Client: and just knowing that opens up an area to where I can.

Give myself a break on, this is not the same worksheet, and I know what I did to myself then I don’t wanna do again. I just need to be honest, open, open myself up and answer the questions. ’cause I, as long as I follow the script there, I can’t lose. [00:30:00] 

Todd: That’s it. That’s it. That script, those four questions and turnarounds can always points me back to myself, to the place of peace inside of me, to a place of balance inside of me.

And so just follow the pointers and see what you find. And yeah, 

Client: that’s what doesn’t have to be painful at all. Supposed to do is not, it’s not really about them, people, it’s really about me, and that’s what I found out in work. 

Todd: That’s it. And that’s when you start to come in contact with yourself. You start to find out, as you said earlier, find out who I am a little bit.

And it’s not something bad, like I, there’s something, there’s an intelligence inside of me. There’s an awareness, there’s a wisdom there’s a resting place inside of me, and that’s the opposite of painful. That’s a very. Peaceful kind of place. 

Client: This is cool though because [00:31:00] only some kind of intelligent force could have brought this here right now.

Because nothing happens by mistake I don’t think. And I was a little scared when I first got, I said, only me and Todd. I’m like, yeah, and you open yourself up to ta. Take full advantage of this because you know that little.

Todd: This is gonna be painful, right? It’s that little fear, like even in a small way. And then, but what I love about you is that you have this courage to just go in anyway, and that’s what you did just here. And each time I go in and do a little more of this work, I have a little more courage to do a little more.

And I don’t have to push myself. I don’t have to like, drag myself kicking and screaming to do the work. I can just invite myself and do what I am open to do. Because we’re treating this inner part of ourselves, we’re starting to treat it with respect more instead of [00:32:00] trying to smarten up and whack it around and be, yeah, be forceful with it.

We’re trying to listen to it and let it share its wisdom. Let it come its wisdom with us. Why? Let it come out. So even when I’m doing the work I like to be gentle with myself and just say, okay, are you ready to do this work? Would you like to do this work? And sometimes I’ll be like, no, I’m not quite ready.

And then but I’d rather I’m open to this one, or, so that kind of conversation sometimes makes, it makes. It feels like there’s a certain respect that I’m treating myself with that allows for me to be more open and more relaxed when I’m doing the work. But thank you so much. What I find is the courage just keeps increasing and over time I’m like, I bring on the big stuff.

I’ll bring I’ll go anywhere, and then, and a lot of times you do. 

Client: Thank you, Ty, 

Todd: because it all turns out to be not as big as I think I, that’s a funny thing. I think all [00:33:00] big stuff and. What big stuff.

Client: Thank you so much. 

Todd: So yeah. Thank you Susan. Thank you so much. If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one we just heard here, then go to the work as meditation.com. I. And then open sessions. And there you can see the schedule. You can find out how to sign up and participate, and I encourage you to participate.

It’s one thing to listen to these recordings and there’s a lot to be gained by that from that, but I. It’s even more when you actually are doing the work and asking your questions in real time. So I encourage you to come by and sign up and join us. You don’t even have to say anything to participate.

We have seven spots for each week, and if you join in, you can just listen. But you never know when a question might pop up that you would like to ask. So [00:34:00] go to the work as meditation.com and then open sessions. And while you’re there, I also encourage you to check out the work 1 0 1. This is a in-depth course.

It’s a 45 lesson course. Usually takes a few months to complete. And it’s a way to really slow down this process of doing the work and look at it and experience it. By doing it. And there’s a lot of nuances to this process. There’s a lot to be gained from actually doing it over and over over the weeks and months.

So if you’re interested in going a little deeper, then go to the work as meditation.com and then the work 1 0 1. Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called If Facilitating It Easy. Why is there so much training?

The hardest part about helping [00:35:00] someone is staying out of their way. If facilitating is easy, why is there so much training? The work of Byron Katie is a process that each of us has to do ourselves. It’s a meditation. No one can meditate for us, yet it can be great to do the work with another person, and that person can ask the questions and listen to your answers.

And this is called facilitation because it makes it easier. That’s what the word facilitate actually means to make easy. So when someone asks the questions to you, you can simply let your focus go inside and find your answers. You don’t have to think about the process, just the experience that is coming up from inside.

Sometimes I say facilitation is the easiest job in the world, and it’s true. Facilitation [00:36:00] doesn’t require that I know anything about the person’s problem or how to find any solution for them. It doesn’t require study or expertise. It doesn’t even require previous experience dealing with the same issue.

Instead, the role of a facilitator is simple. Take notes as the person brainstorms to find what stressful thoughts are causing them, their stress in a particular situation. Then once you’ve. Brainstormed. You can pick one of those stressful thoughts and go through the four questions with them. So you ask the questions and then you prompt them to give turnarounds and examples and you listen.

And the only other role that a facilitator has is to notice if they, the person stops answering the questions and then remind them which question they’re answering. So just bring them back by asking them again. Oh yeah. So [00:37:00] how do you react or. Or do you feel it in your body, or whatever the next question is that they were answering.

If it sounds simple, that’s because it is. It’s a job of holding the space for someone and holding them in the process of doing the work. Nothing more. It’s not the job of the facilitator to help the person have a breakthrough. So like a big misconception. Oh, I have to help them. I am responsible for them.

I need to, they’re coming to be like, that’s not the job of a facilitator. The job of a facilitator is simply to hold the space and so breakthroughs come or don’t come. From inside the person doing the work. It’s a process of self-discovery, and I think that’s really important.

Self-discovery as opposed to teaching or coaching or therapy, all [00:38:00] of which are great, but this is a particular process of self-discovery and we want that person to have their own experience as much as possible. So if it’s so simple, why is there so much training? Byron Katie and the Institute for the Work offered courses for improving your facilitation skills and I’ve gone through that program and I’m also planning a program for.

Doing this for training a little bit on facilitation. It’s gonna be called the Work 1 0 2, and it’s gonna be all about spoken work, and it’s not anywhere ready close to being ready. But someday I will be creating that and we’ll get into some of the nuances of spoken work. But my point is, why all this training?

Why all this training if it’s so simple? Simplest job in the world facilitating. Why is it so simple, or [00:39:00] why is it why is there so much training if it’s so simple? The training is not for learning how to handle different situations or for gaining knowledge about different kinds of stresses that people bring.

It’s not about solving problems or being like better at solving them or better. No, it’s just about. Really about unlearning more than learning anything at all, but what needs to be unlearned? The tendency of many of us is to want to help. We don’t want someone to suffer or we want to be a hero who saves the day.

And in any case, the work is something different. It’s self-inquiry. One finds one’s own answers inside oneself. A facilitator is just there to hold the space and to be a witness. If I want to help, I can end up [00:40:00] interfering with the person’s inner process. I can end up interrupting the person’s meditation, and if you can imagine sitting, meditating and some somebody’s just every once in a while speaking to you or interrupting.

It’s distracting, it’s not facilitating, it’s making it more difficult. So that desire to help, even though it’s coming from a good place, can end up interfering with the person’s process. So what has to be unlearned is the idea that their work, the person’s work has anything actually to do with me.

It’s not about me. And this takes time. The most effective means I find for letting go of this idea is to question all the motives that come up when I’m actually facilitating. For example, I want them to have a good experience. It’s a motive I, I want, it’s a good thing, but it’s stressful. I’m actually [00:41:00] pushing, I mean their business a little bit, and I’m not in a relaxed place.

I want to be a good facilitator. Okay. Yeah. A noble aspiration. But notice what happens when you think that thought. I want to be a good facilitator. A whole lot of pressure, self-evaluation. I’m judging myself as I go. I’m hoping they’re liking it, like I’m trying to please them. I get confused. I get I start interrupting more.

I start interfering. Or likewise, I need them to stop suffering. Okay. When I’m thinking that now I’m really the one that’s joining in and having a problem because I can’t be free until they’re free. My, I’m dependent on them to break through so that I can relax. So who would I be without that thought?

I need them to stop suffering. I would just be. Present with them whether they breakthrough or not breakthrough, and that’s a [00:42:00] much more neutral and helpful space when facilitating. Or I want them to be grateful for my help. This is a good one. Yeah. I want that gratitude. I want them to be like, oh yeah, you’re the best and rave about me and all that.

Okay. Yeah, it’s, and we’re just being honest here. Like these are the kinds of thoughts that can come up. And so questioning thoughts like this can help so much. ’cause you start turning them around and start finding, I don’t want them to be grateful for my help. I want me to be just. Taking care of myself, them taking care of themselves, and there’s this healthy independence there.

And I want that more actually, or I want them to work with me again. That’s another good one. Turn it around. I don’t want them to work with me again. It’s fine. There’s, I don’t need them to just keep coming back. I want me to work with me again. That’s the turnaround. I want me to work with me again.

Lemme just keep working with myself again and again, and then let [00:43:00] clients come and go as they will, or one of my favorites. I want them to see what I’m seeing. I’ve got this bright insight inside and I want them to see it, so I’m like hello. Wait. I’ve got something to tell you. I’ve got something.

And it interferes with their meditation process. So these are motives. These are examples of motives that they can all be questioned with. The four questions and the turnarounds, this is what the training is for. When you question motives like these again and again in different situations where you’re facilitating someone, you start to gain a new perspective.

You start to see that where they go with their work is their business. You start to trust them and their wisdom, and you start to trust the four questions and the turnarounds, and there’s a lot less trying to control the situation and make sure it has a certain outcome, that stuff falls away when you question your thoughts your motives as [00:44:00] we’ve just been looking at.

Then truly facilitating becomes what is meant to be the easiest job in the world. Just sitting with a virtual chair pulled up to the fire of someone’s internal meditation process, nothing could be more delightful, but if there’s a motive to change them or to save them or to look good, then forget it.

Then facilitating, if you can even call it that, is difficult. Indeed. You actually make it harder for them instead of easier for them and you make it harder for yourself. At the same time, the heart of the training, questioning motives and doing the work is all that. The training to be a facilitator entails.

You can do this training anywhere with anyone and the freedom deepens with practice. If you wanna start the process, I invite you to take the work 1 0 1 course. And there we do a lot of the work and we question some motives from [00:45:00] facilitating too. So join us and let’s end with a quote from Byron Katie from her book.

Question Your Thinking, change the World when Someone is facilitating the work, giving the four questions. He’s receiving at another level what I originally received inside me. If he’s really facilitating from a neutral position without any motive, then he is in the place where I am on the other side. It just gains in its freedom.

It’s in or out unlimited.