How Highly Sensitive People Can Process Disappointment and Overwhelm Through Inner Work

Todd: [00:00:00] Great place to hang out and do the work is the open sessions that I offer every week. You’ll hear recordings of these here in the podcast, and you’ll see videos on my YouTube channel and on my website. Uh, but this is a place where you can ask questions. You can do the work, you can, uh, basically it’s a free form for anything related to the work of Byron Katie.

And the best thing is it’s free. So go over to the work as meditation.com. Then go to open sessions and read all about it there. Join me in one of these open sessions and I look forward to doing the work with you there.

Client: Um, I needed to tell her that her brother wasn’t going to have the second bigger wedding, and she missed the first. Intimate wedding this summer. Um, and she was disappointed. 

Todd: [00:01:00] Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And I use the work of Byron Katie.

I. A set of questions that you can ask yourself in any stressful situation that can help you start to see different ways of looking at that same situation. I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, someone does the work on the stressful thought. My daughter is disappointed about missing her brother’s wedding.

And after that I’ll be reading my newsletter article on how do you define abuse. So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie. Together you’ll get a chance to, first of all, experience what it’s like to listen to someone doing the work, and then I’ll share some more thoughts in the newsletter article. The basic idea of this kind of inquiry is that each person has then their own wisdom within themselves, [00:02:00] and when you ask these questions of yourself, you start to listen to that very wisdom inside.

And that wisdom may be very opposite to what you’re already believing when you start. So here’s the latest version of the, the latest episode of my open sessions, and you’ll, you’ll hear the unedited recording as always here, so that you can experience exactly what it’s like, uh, to do the work.

Client 2: I wanna say that the reason I’m here is I, my mind is driving me crazy, so I just thought this would be a good place to be. I don’t actually have. I just thought, where do I go? Very cool. Am I feeling absolutely insane? I thought I would drop in here and 

Todd: you’re welcome to hang out here in the I’m hang out here the Insane asylum.

Very cool.[00:03:00] 

So anybody have anything they wanna, wanna look at? 

Client: I, um, had a stressful thought last night when I was on the phone with my daughter. Um, I needed to tell her that her brother wasn’t going to have the second bigger wedding, and she missed the first intimate wedding this summer. Um, and she was disappointed.

So it’s. My daughter’s disappointed about missing her brother’s wedding. 

Todd: Okay. Yeah. Okay, so would you like to do the work? Yeah. So your daughter is disappointed about missing her brother’s wedding. Is it true?[00:04:00] 

Client: Yes. Yes. 

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true that your daughter is disappointed about missing her brother’s wedding?

Client: No.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you think this thought that she is disappointed about missing her brother’s wedding?

Client: I feel sorry for her. Um,

I feel concerned that. So I, I see images of the past of her [00:05:00] and I not getting invited to her cousin’s wedding and how hard that was. This is different, but I just picture this feeling of not being included and I often feel that. So I imagine that she’s going through all this. Angst and I don’t really even know.

Um, and so I see images of the future of

not having the wedding next summer, and I. Not having a family reunion and I’m disappointed. And I, um,[00:06:00] 

I also feel bad that I told her and didn’t, wasn’t patient enough to let her brother tell her. Um.

I, I go into how hard it must be for her to hear that news today, because she had a rough day. This was yesterday. But yeah, I go into her business, so I’m, I’m right over there in her business. And either in the past or the future, and I, what happens is I can’t stop thinking about it. I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t go back to sleep,[00:07:00] 

so I feel on edge.

And like there’s something I need to do about it.

Yeah.

Todd: So who would you be on that same phone call without the thought that your daughter is disappointed about missing her brother’s wedding?

Client: Without the thought, I’m just, um,

listening, [00:08:00] um, being present with my feelings and. She’s saying,

but I don’t feel like I need to fix anything. I’m just there for her. And it feels, I feel

just more connection and compassion and open like. We’re talking about how we could have another kind of family reunion, and I’m just more open to exploring that idea rather than

needing it to be different.

I feel more relaxed, more curious.[00:09:00] 

More available to

be a listening presence rather than going off in my own little world.

Yeah, and I’m more present with my own feelings of disappointment. I. Um,

and able to be there for me.

Yeah. And I don’t pretend to know what she’s feeling. Um, who knows? Could be [00:10:00] relief. Could be, oh good. I don’t have to figure out how to get my whole family up to Maine.

Yeah.

Todd: Okay. So how would you turn the thought around? I. My daughter is disappointed about missing her brother’s wedding. 

Client: Well, I definitely see that I’m disappointed in missing her brother’s wedding because I wanted to have the family reunion kind of all arranged by someone else and not me because he’s the groom and I’m not the parent, you know, that is planning the whole thing.

Um.[00:11:00] 

I am disappointed. Yeah, I’m disappointed ’cause I don’t wanna see her sad and I am disappointed in

making her uneasy. Or feeling left out. I’m not making, um, wi uh, watching her feel left out.

I’m disappointed that, um, I couldn’t deliver Happy News. 

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: Okay. So my daughter’s disappointed about missing her [00:12:00] brother’s wedding. See if you can turn it around a different way. 

Client: She isn’t disappointed. Uh, okay. In missing her brother’s wedding. Well, it could be that, that sounded like a lot of work. She wasn’t sure how she could make it happen, so maybe there is some relief.

Um,

she isn’t disappointed.

Maybe she’s understanding his reasons better than I think she is and is more accepting of it and not. Going into her own loss. I don’t know. 

Hmm. 

Client: Um,

Todd: yeah. You’re just assuming that she’s disappointed, but it may not be. She may [00:13:00] be, 

Client: yeah. 

Todd: Quite accepting. You just don’t know. 

Client: Yeah.

That’s, 

Todd: and even though, yeah, you have another one? 

Client: No, I couldn’t find another example. 

Todd: Uh, I was gonna ask like, even though she missed the smaller wedding and she was planning to come to the bigger wedding, the second wedding, um. How is it possible that she wouldn’t be as disappointed as you might think about that?

Client: I am not sure if this works, but what comes to mind right away is.

It [00:14:00] was kind of the smaller, intimate wedding kind of got planned at the last minute and there was really no way she could have gotten there. So, um,

like, I don’t know if she is disappointed about not make, you know. Finding a way to get herself to the first wedding and right for the second wedding. Um.

Well, she just, [00:15:00] um,

may be letting go of all the. Needing to, to go through all that would involve, be involved in getting her whole family ready for a wedding. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: And in the end, even though it would be fun to be there to have a wedding, um, is it possible that she would see. Like, see it as not that huge of a loss.

Client: Yeah. Yeah. It might be an initial reaction as soon as I tell her the news and then it may

I, um, be easier to understand the more she thinks about it and, [00:16:00] and accept it more. Yeah. Not that big of a loss. Right.

Todd: And she still has her brother. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: And her, 

Client: yeah. And her new sister-in-law. Correct. 

Todd: Right, exactly. The only thing missing was was a get together. 

Client: Yeah. And it is, 

Todd: it’s a wall. She was 

Client: saying, you know, she wanted to meet all of their people, you know, all of their friends and family so that she would get to know them.

Todd: Right, and that’s an easy way to do it at a big wedding. Yeah. But who knows? She may not be so disappointed and she may even end up meeting them in different places, different ways as well. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. 

Todd: Okay, so any other turnaround my daughter’s disappointed about? I’m disappointed [00:17:00] 

Client: in my missing.

Uh, her brother’s wedding. 

Mm-hmm. 

Client: Um, yeah,

I wanted it to be an easy family reunion. Um.

Where I didn’t have to plan all the meals and all the, where everybody’s staying, that it would be more taken care of. And so I’m disappointed in having a big family get together, taken care of my others. Not just me. 

Todd: Mm-hmm. 

Client: Yeah. Um,[00:18:00] 

Todd: like who’s more disappointed? Her or you about this cancellation? 

Client: It could be me. 

Todd: It could be, I don’t know for sure. Yeah. But it’s possible. 

Client: Yeah. I thought I was okay with it, but then when I heard her disappointment. I went into hers and magnified mine. 

Todd: Right. Her disappointment about it became another reason why you were disappointed.

Correct. About it. That’s 

Client: it.

Todd: So the whole thing is kind of circular in a way. Yeah, and it’s 

Client: all because I was in someone else’s business, so yeah.

Hmm. Yeah, I was disappointed that I thought I’d taken care of that disappointment and, no. Now, now I have another worksheet.

Todd: [00:19:00] Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: So how could you look at this wedding? Um, and maybe you’ve already found these examples, but I’m just thinking, um. More along the lines of a living turnaround, like how, is there any way to look at this wedding or anything you can do that would support you to be less disappointed, um, about this whole situation and, and with your daughter?

Client: Well, what’s come to mind already is, um, getting other people involved and planning. A family reunion. I mean, I have five kids, so I don’t have to be in charge of everybody and or pay for it all. So, um, why not ask for help? Um, a living turnaround would be to let others know what I [00:20:00] really was looking forward to.

And is there a way that we can make a family reunion happen? Rather than just go into my disappointment and feel sorry for myself and do nothing. 

Todd: Right? Yeah. Basically I’m powerless. He didn’t have his second wedding, so, 

oh, 

Todd: I’m just a victim here. Yeah. And here, this turns it around to. I have a desire Yeah.

For us to be together. How could that happen? Yeah. And are there ways to do it that I don’t have to organize at all and I don’t have to pay for it all and all of that. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: Very empowering. 

Client: Yeah, it is empowering. It feels heck. Okay, let’s start fresh.

Um, because in this state, you know, the last few years, these weddings, you couldn’t really count on ’em anyway. [00:21:00] 

Todd: Nothing new here. Yeah. So this is the tail end of COVID, so, yeah. Yeah. We’re used to this, aren’t we? Yeah. Hmm. Cool. So any other turnarounds or anything else you’re seeing? Well, I just see 

Client: another easier example Instead of planning a whole, um, in person wedding, I could get everybody on Zoom soon, you know, invite everybody to like talk about it.

Todd: It’s so doable. Yeah. Yeah. It wouldn’t cost anything. It’s so easy. And it’s a way of getting what you want. Yeah. Even when the other wedding is canceled. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: I mean, ’cause isn’t that the main thing and [00:22:00] want people to be together? 

Client: Right.

Todd: So what I love about the work is it just shows me options. Not just locked into, this was the one way I was going and the door closed and that’s it. I just have to sit by the door and whine. 

Client: Yeah, 

Todd: right. I have, I can back up and see, oh my gosh, there’s a million other ways. To accomplish more or less the same thing or to find other ways for me to be happy besides just that one where the door’s closed.

Client: Yeah. Thank you. 

Todd: Yeah, thank you.

All right. Anyone have any comments or questions or still have a good. Eight minutes, and if someone wants to do a quick piece of work, I’m open to that as well. [00:23:00] 

Client 3: Yeah, there’s a, there’s some follow up on disappointing people. I, I can, uh, definitely identify with wanting to communicate something and not knowing if I can trust another person to communicate it.

So thinking that I have, you know, thinking that I’m gonna do them a favor by communicating it and then realizing that didn’t work. I. That, that I, when I was listening to you go through that, I think I feel a lot better about that too. So thanks for that. 

Todd: Hmm. 

Client 3: And then my best, yeah, my, my best friend’s brother died a few years ago, just before COVID, and she has planned and had to cancel three reunions across where people were coming in from across the US to, um, have like a ceremony for him.

Now she finally got one and everyone is coming and it’s supposed to work, and she just got scheduled for surgery that day, so [00:24:00] that’s the only day her can take.

Todd: So we just can’t control this world.

Client 3: Ah, it’s interesting that, you know, how attached we get to the plan going, the, even if we haven’t even looked at whether the outcome will still be what we wanted, right? Mm-hmm. And that, so I’ve been, I’ve been making a list of things that, that I thought would be in my done in my life so far. And, um, I am getting a lot of good work worksheets out of that.

Todd: That’s funny. Yeah. But 

Client 3: the number of things that I took off my list or gave up on my list [00:25:00] had nothing to do with whether or not I could actually accomplish them, but I wasn’t accomplishing them the way I thought I was going to. Just like. Um, before everyone came on, I was talking about regaining some physical strength after surgery and aging and all that, and that I insisted that my plan was to start at a certain point and move forward, and I just could not move forward from that point.

Finally, today I looked at that. And saw that I, I’m starting too far forward in the plan. I need to go back to a previous step. Like I am trying to run a mile when I haven’t run for 20 years, you know? And, um, I need to get my. I, I could start with a quarter of a mile, you know, or less, I could start with a block.

Right, right. [00:26:00] 

Client 3: But it’s not, you know, it’s not happening the way I saw in my head. 

Yeah. The plan, you know? 

Client 3: Yeah. So it’s not even the, it’s not even the outcome. It’s like I get frustrated ’cause plan’s not. 

Todd: Right. 

Client 3: Coming the way I went, but 

Todd: I’m not, it’s, it’s my sense of control, right? Yeah. I, if I, the plan goes according to the way I planned it, then great.

I’m in control here. But, but if it doesn’t, um, I’m not, and that, yeah. Very uncomfortable if I’m not, 

Client 3: and it very well may get there if I right. Go a different way, you know? But that, but no, I wanna do it. I want to, you know, it’s like I wanna get there in an hour walking and it mm-hmm. 

Todd: You, 

Client 3: I could ride a bike.

I mean it, you know, it’s just, 

Todd: yeah. And then it comes down to this coexistence, holding these coexistence of these two opposites of having a plan but not being too attached to it. Like being flexible. That’s right. But having a plan and then there’s a, there’s a [00:27:00] conversation between those two polarities that somewhere can kind of work.

It takes a lot of, a lot of openness, a lot of, yeah, 

Client 3: a lot of flexibility or willingness to put that down and to start over completely, or, 

yeah, 

Client 3: try something completely different without losing sight of what you really want. Yeah, working on that. 

Todd: You know, another, um, thought Annie, when I heard, uh, you speaking earlier, you said something like, I, I should have let her brother tell her, or something like that.

That could be, you know, that could be an interesting one to work thoroughly or even just to turn around if you have a little space on it already. Um, but there’s that little. Guilt, right? I shouldn’t, I should’ve let her brother tell her,

oh, hold on. You’re muted.[00:28:00] 

Try to turn your mute off, but it doesn’t turn off. Must be you’re locked out. One more thing we can’t control.

Who knew it’s a one way street. Right. So, but anyway, that’s a, it can be a good one, just as a, an underlying belief there to, to look at. I should have let her brother tell me. Cool. Alright, anything else before we close? Any other thoughts or any other things you wanna share? Yeah, Taran. 

Client 2: I just wanted to say it’s, it’s interesting to think about space opening up and finding other solutions.

So one of the things is I threw my pickleball paddle once again. I wasn’t ever going to throw my pickleball paddle. I was [00:29:00] so angry. I was so angry. I threw it at the fence once again. This time at least I didn’t break it. And you know, I’m thinking, how do I get myself not to be so angry? How do I get myself not to be so angry?

And it’s like, it’s all about that. It’s all about. But I was thinking, wow, if I wasn’t so focused on that, I shouldn’t be angry. I could be like, well, what’s an option? I could throw it lightly. I could sing. I could like, you know, say I, you know, just the idea of like being more open to other ways of approaching pickleball other than this way that I keep on ending up so angry.

Yeah. When I play. Yeah. So. 

Todd: The thing is, I can’t help it once I’ve done it. Like I’ve just gotten swallowed up and I’m, and I’m like on automatic pilot and so that, that happens. Um, but, but going back and looking at it now, then it can be, you can take some time and, and just notice [00:30:00] what were the thoughts, write down some of the thoughts that were going on before you threw the pickleball paddle and, and then start seeing are there options like you said.

To vent if there is anger or options that might even prevent anger from even being there in the first place. Um, so that’s the work. We’re just looking for options. Yep. Very cool, and I’ve done plenty. I love pickleball too, and I’ve done plenty of worksheets on pickleball situations, and they’re amazing.

They’re the same situations that happen in a family, in a work, in any other situation in life. So you could just spend your whole life doing the work on pickleball situations, and you could probably end up fully enlightened and capable of handling any other situation. So, yep. Any entry. That’s the beauty of this work.

You don’t have to work everything, but any situation can be an entry in for finding, [00:31:00] um, just for finding these options that are always sitting there in any situation. And the more you get used to finding ’em in one situation, the more you start to be able to find them in other situations. It’s like a, a skill that develops over time.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one we heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open sessions page there and you can find out how to sign up, how to join us. Then bring your questions and bring your stressful situations and we’ll do the work together.

I also wanna mention that I offer private sessions, uh, in addition to these free, open sessions. And it can be a great way if you’re dealing with something like, uh, abuse for example, or dealing with something that you want to deal with in a more. Private setting, then [00:32:00] one-on-one working with me can be a great way to go deeply into whatever it is that is stressing you.

And it doesn’t have to be something serious. It can be something just day, day-to-day life, what day-to-day life is bringing up for you. I love using the work to deal with my own stressful situations. Um, in day-to-day life, and I love doing, using the work to deal with some of the bigger things. So if you’re interested in sitting with me in a private setting, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to private sessions.

Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called How Do You Define Abuse?

Would you say that the waves have been abusing this rock for millennia? How do you define abuse? No one likes to be abused and abuse should not be tolerated. But where do you draw the line? This question points [00:33:00] to a lot of gray area and is ultimately a very personal question. In the end, how I define abuse will determine how I act.

The sensitivity scale In doing the work last weekend with a participant at the Autumn Virtual Retreat, I noticed something interesting. There seems to be a sliding scale of what I may or may not call abuse. If I’m very sensitive to detecting abuse, then I will see abuse much more often than if I were less sensitive to it.

This can make a big difference when it comes to feeling victimized. If I see someone’s behavior as coming from stress or being relatively harmless. On the other hand, I don’t define it as abuse, even though it may technically be abuse. So I naturally cut that person some slack for various reasons, and I don’t see it as a big [00:34:00] deal.

But if I see even the slightest abuse of action as real abuse, I react as if it’s the big kind of abuse. It’s as if my sensitivity is too high on the subject, causing me to lump every type of abuse from minor to major into one group. It’s a kind of lack of discrimination. I definitely fall into this camp of being highly sensitive to abuse.

Here are some of the things I experienced. Viscerally means like just the way I experienced them, you know, in my gut, here’s some things that I experienced viscerally as abusive. For example, someone questioning my own experience, someone disapproving of something I say or do. Someone having a slight tone of anger or annoyance in their voice, someone telling me what to do instead of collaborating with me, [00:35:00] someone being impatient with me, someone not listening to me, someone dismissing something, I say, someone overriding me instead of discussing with me.

And there could be many more. What I notice as I write this list is that they all have to do with someone using some kind of unilateral force on me instead of engaging as an equal or collaboratively with me. And when I’m honest, I do see the elements of abuse present in each of these, but how far do I go with it?

Overly sensitive. Does that mean that every time someone questions my experience, which was one of the things on my list above, every time someone questions my experience, I need to have a full blown reaction to this kind of quote unquote abuse, and I would label it in that stressful [00:36:00] moment. I would label it as gaslighting, for example.

Or am I being too sensitive? Is there room for interpretation in this situation? For example, when someone questions my experience, does that really mean they’re putting me down or dismissing my experience? Or are they simply expressing their own experience? Sometimes what I think is abusive is not actually personal at all.

I just interpret it that way. Or could it also be that even if there is a real put down happening, is it forgivable? Maybe it comes from an insecurity on the other person’s side that they can’t help, like kind of like a handicap. Or maybe it comes from the fact that they’re never getting enough feedback to know that it’s not a great way to communicate.

Maybe everyone is too intimidated to tell them, or maybe it is simply not a big enough [00:37:00] deal to worry about. Seeing these perspectives makes me realize that I am often perfectionistic in my expectations of others, even a hint of abuse, and I’m ready to call 9 1 1. What if I were more discriminating? What if I could see that some abuse is more tolerable than other forms of it?

What if I could cut the other person some slack sometimes? What if I could save my larger reactions of fight or flight for when they’re actually needed? I think I would be more balanced. Instead of being triggered by every little form of behavior that seems abusive, I would have more of a buffer inside of myself.

I basically wouldn’t sweat the small stuff. The work helps me find this balance. Whenever I do the work of Byron [00:38:00] Katie, I relax some of my hypersensitivity. I often see these very points that I describe in this, in this article in very specific situations. And so it’s one thing to talk about them generally here, but then when I experience them by doing the work on them, I.

Something changes in my heart, something changes on the experiential level, and that tends to stay with me in just the way I carry myself in life. And as I continue to question my stressful thoughts about these kinds of situations, I tend to find more clarity without a hair trigger. I can be much more effective when dealing with abuse of any kind.

The judge, your neighbor worksheet is perfect for this. If you wanna work on situations of abuse, big or small, the judge your neighbor worksheet, is a great tool for identifying the stressful thoughts to question. And if you want to get in [00:39:00] depth, in depth practice working with this worksheet, take the work, work one-on-one course.

There you will find the support and direction to turn around any stressful thinking about abuse while gaining clarity on how to deal with it in a non-stressful way. The work 1 0 1 starts anytime you go at your own pace. You get a personal trainer as an option, and you can join our open community of people who are interested in questioning it.

Uh, basically anything. So take the work 1 0 1 today. I encourage you, and I’m also a part of that group, and I’ll end with a quote from Byron Katie. This is from her book, loving. What is. Could it be that he’s right and that what you don’t, and that’s what you don’t want to hear. That’s not verbal abuse. We call it verbal abuse.

When someone tells us the truth about [00:40:00] ourselves and we don’t want to hear it, that is, we think we don’t want to hear it. Deep down inside, we hunger for the truth.

So thanks for listening and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, post something on social media. Uh, leave a review for the podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts, if you haven’t done that already. And stop by the work as meditation.com. There you can get my newsletter, which I’m always putting up new articles.

You can read hundreds of articles that I’ve been writing on the work of Byron Katie for years now about 10, 12 years. Uh, you can join the open sessions like the one we heard here today, and you can take some of my courses. The Work 1 0 1 is really the main course to look at, but I have virtual retreats.

Um, every quarter I have Inquiry circle, ongoing practice group. Uh, I have private sessions there. I have a [00:41:00] course on living with money and many other programs, so check it out, the work as meditation.com, and until next time, have a great week.