How HSPs Can Find Emotional Stability After Loss or Relationship Stress Without Overwhelm

Todd: [00:00:00] If you’ve been following the work of Byron Katie for a while and it resonates with you, I encourage you to go a little deeper into this practice and start to get to know some of the nuances of how to actually do this work in. Real life. It’s one thing to listen to people or watch people doing the work.

It’s also one thing to read and understand the work, um, kind of passively. It’s a completely different thing to get into the work and begin to engage with it yourself and begin to actually do it. For this reason, I’ve created a course called the Work 1 0 1, and this course is designed to take anyone from wherever they are.

If you’re brand new to the work or if you’ve had a lot of experience with the work, it will take you step by step through this process of self-inquiry, and it gives you a chance to really get. Um, [00:01:00] in touch and really engage with the process of self-inquiry. So I encourage you to look at the work 1 0 1.

Consider it, there’s many ways you can take it. Um, but dive into this process and see if you can, um, make it come alive for you. To do this, go to the work as meditation.com and you’ll find it under the work 1 0 1.

I want to go home and I’m like, where is that? Is that, is that where my mom lives in Florida or is that where my dad lives in Iowa? Where is. And that’s where that feeling is, like I want, I, I don’t have a home. Welcome to Wiggle Room, A podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around.

And the method we use is called the work of Byron Katie. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a [00:02:00] simple way of asking yourself four questions and. Finding turnarounds for any stressful thought. So basically we’re taking our thoughts, the ones that are stressful and questioning them. And when we question our thoughts, we often find a lot more options, a lot more space inside, and a lot of wisdom that lies untapped in each of us.

I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, this is kind of a different program than usual. I’m gonna be doing the work and this came out of a session that was part of our inquiry circle, which is my ongoing practice group for the work and. In this particular session, we were focused on the topic of divorce, and my parents were divorced when I was 16.

And, um, one of the members of Inquiry Circle leads me through this process of questioning [00:03:00] some of, uh, one of my stressful thoughts, um, about my parents’ divorce. So I hope you’ll enjoy this. And, um, I will also be reading from, uh, a newsletter article, uh, about three ways to make peace with your ex-husband.

Another interesting top topic connected to, uh, divorce. So let’s dive in together. Um, we’re gonna be diving into the work of Byron Katie, which is a simple, powerful way to question what you think. So here’s the recording and, uh, it is as always unedited so you can see exactly how the work is done in real life.

Client: What’s, what is the statement? 

Todd: So the statement is, I don’t have a home.

Client: And have you got your moment [00:04:00] to anchor? In. 

Todd: Yeah, it’s a, as I was kind of saying, it’s kind of a semi imagined, but it’s, it’s pretty close to the reality. Couldn’t tell you what day of the week or exactly what time of day or whatever, but I can picture myself in my dorm room. I can see like the way the bunk beds worked.

You know, one was like this and one was like this in the corner. My desk was over here and. I can remember at that time I was doing like five hours of math homework for every two days. And I was doing like, you know, I had tons of work. I was just working so hard, staying up late, I was tired and then this, this almost girlfriend kind of dumped me and yeah, it’s like I remember the images I’m picturing like.

I want to go home. And I’m like, [00:05:00] where is that? Is that, is that where my mom lives in Florida or is that where my dad lives in Iowa? Where is, and that’s where that feeling is. Like, I want, I, I don’t have a home.

Client: I don’t have a home. Is it true?

Yes,

I don’t have a home. Can you absolutely know that It’s true. I don’t have a home.

Yes.[00:06:00] 

How do you react? What happens when you believe that thought? I don’t have a home.

I. A lot of sadness

Todd: and I see images of my childhood home, which we lived in in Virginia from when I was very before I can remember until I was like 15 and.

I see so many images of playing there and being at home there and doing my homework there and going to the pool and, you know, cutting grass. Had a grass cutting business where all the neighbors, my [00:07:00] grandmother was nearby, grandparents were nearby. Before my grand died, my other grandmother was nearby. I had friends around

and I, I see those collection of images and the feelings that go with them. This feeling of safety and see my mom around. I could see my dad around. They’re both there. I could see sitting at dinner. We always had dinner together. I see my. Two sisters and my mom and dad and all of all, all five of us at the table laughing and having good food and

see my dad’s wood shop. I can see the garden.[00:08:00] 

Client: It’s like rich, just 

Todd: so multilayered. Recently my sisters found the, or that house was for sale online and for the first time since we sold it, which was like 30 years ago, and they hadn’t changed almost anything. So we, we just had all the real estate pictures of the inside of this house. Pretty much in the same condition as it was, and I could just go around.

I could spend, I could spend five hours looking at each picture if I wanted to, and just tell you every detail of that house. So I have this conglomeration of images and that include people and, and the places there. And I call that home. And that has [00:09:00] not, we left that in 1985 and we’ve, and then I see the images, so I’ve kind of gone, I’ve kind of been describing this from here now a little bit, but if I go back to my dorm room, this is only probably four years after the divorce.

I’m still seeing like, okay, we lived one year in one town, then two years in another town. Then I moved to college and my mom moved to Florida. So it’s like all these images of home up until age 15 and then split, uh, then moving to another place, my parents breaking up and then this kind of beginning of.

Of what turned out later to be many, many, many, many, many moves. So I feel lost. I feel disoriented. [00:10:00] I’m yearning for that place where I, where I see all those images in one place, and I want to go there. Like there’s a safety, like I want to go back to the place where everything’s familiar and I can count on it.

And. And, and here, like the wisdom of mom and the wisdom of dad, like they’re different wisdoms

and, and I see like 1700 miles apart between my mom and my dad in places that neither one of them feels like home. Where they, where dad lives, where mom lives. Neither one feels like home. So I. Uh, I’m like a lost child. I don’t 

Client: have a home. I don’t have a home. How do you treat yourself [00:11:00] when you’re believing this thought

like a lost child? Completely powerless. Unable to,

Todd: unable to do anything. I just sit there and suffer. I can’t even really pick up the phone. Certainly can’t ask mom or dad if I can come for a visit. ’cause what’s the point? It’s not even home anyway. I’m, uh, treat myself like I’m a victim.

And it just feels like so close to tears. Like the whole whole heart is just like constricted. Sad, sad, sad, 

Client: sad.[00:12:00] 

Would you like. To move to question four or stay here? Yeah,

so just taking yourself back into the dorm room, the long study, the exhaustion, but without the thought, I don’t have a home. Who would you be without the thought?

The first thing I notice is that I breathe deeply 

Todd: and it feels like I am sitting up more with the thought. It’s more of a [00:13:00] slouchy kind of feeling. I. Without the thought, I’m, I’m looking around, I’m, I’m, uh, I notice my past, but I’m not, not clinging to it. I’m just thinking, oh, what do I need to take care of myself and.

First thought that pops in my head is just call mom and just talk with her for a few minutes and yeah, everything feels lighter, more doable. Like there’s a, there’s a little imbalance in my life right now. And it’s not the end of the world. I, I start to think of, okay, maybe there’s a better way to deal with my studies than [00:14:00] spending five hours doing assignments.

Maybe I can just find a, uh, way to compromise and I, I’d like to call my dad and ask him what does he think? I remember him talking about when he was in medical school, how he decided. He wasn’t gonna get straight A’s. After a while he is like, that’s, that’s just gonna kill me. So he just backed off and got what he needed to pass.

So I like might talk to him about that, you know, so like options and energy and ability to reach out to mom and dad individually. Comes in and I feel more grounded just being there in my dorm room. Just, yeah, there’s this, there’s kind of a sweet, homey feeling about my little dorm room and I had a good roommate, was a good friend, [00:15:00] and I liked my classes.

I liked my college. I liked everything about where I was. Like there’s an actual blissful feeling that comes in, like there’s a happiness. I remember how happy I was in those years actually. Um, except for when I got too burned out. So without the thought, I don’t have a home. I starting to feel like everything’s more pulled in.

To, to where I am in this dorm room, in this situation with mom and dad here and there with memories of childhood. But it’s like I’m starting to feel like a grownup. Like, oh wait, I’m not, I dependent on a home. I’m, [00:16:00] I’m on an adventure. I’m, I’m living in the world. I’m. I’ve moved beyond home

and yeah, it comes with some ups and downs, but 

Client: I don’t feel lost.

Yeah. The feeling is much 

Todd: more open, more, much more blissful is the word that comes to mind. I’m happy I.

Client: Shall we try turning it around? Yeah. I don’t have a home.

I do have a home. 

Todd: And I think it starts on that feeling level that, that that blissful kind of feeling is that’s [00:17:00] home. That’s my home. I’ve had that feeling everywhere I’ve lived, and here it is. So I have a home. I have a home. It’s a, it’s a feeling and I have that, it only goes away when I start crying that I don’t have a home.

When I start focusing on the breakup, when I start focusing on. The moves and the distance and all that, then I lose that perspective. But I actually have, I have the essence of home right here in my heart,

and I have literally a home in my dorm room with my things. I get to stay there. I have a key to the [00:18:00] place. I have my own desk. I have my own bed. Even have this cool quilted bedspread that someone gave to us in our family and I got, and

that’s home. Huh? I’m really getting it right now. It’s like that’s home. Just like the two years before that, my last two years of high school, we lived in one place and that was my home. And that felt so much like home and dad wasn’t there, but mom was, that was home. So without the thought, I don’t have a home.

No, sorry. Turning it around. I do have a home.

Pushing it here, but have I ever lost my home?

Not so sure. [00:19:00] I just went through some kind of,

kind of interesting personal relationship stuff. You know? Mom and dad decided not to live together. We moved. Have I ever been evicted? No.

No. And I see how much mom was supporting me to be in college,

how much dad was caring about me.

I’ve never lost that. Never lost that. It’s like I had an image of it being a package deal, and once the package is broken, then it’s no longer available. But it’s not, it’s like it could be broken into different sections and still be just as nourishing [00:20:00] and just as home-like. And just as, and on top of it, like coming into my own like age 19, I am starting to 

Client: stand on my own feet.

And that’s home.

Todd: So I have a home. I don’t think I ever lost it. This is really sacrilegious for me to even think about, but I don’t think I ever was, I don’t think that feeling of home was ever fully taken away from me. It was just changed and changed and changed.

Client: It’s continued to change. Wow. When I look at all the places I’ve lived, all the situations I’ve been in,

there’s always been a threat of home running through it all, in [00:21:00] spite of my story. So home is where the heart is. I do have a home.

It feels way more 

Todd: responsible, way less victimy, and now it’s not my mom and dad’s fault for anything. They didn’t do anything to me at all. They just, they just thought it was better not to live together. And I can understand why. So in a way it had nothing to do with me. Yeah, that’s probably what 

Client: they would say.

I still have my home. I feel like I’m like reclaiming this for the first 

Todd: time in my life when like I always glorify my early days as like that was when I had a [00:22:00] home and everything was great. It had its challenges too, and now I’m looking at it a little differently. Like I’ve always had a home, always through the divorce, through the different moves, through living alone, through, you know, everywhere I’ve lived.

So now suddenly there’s this thread moving through the whole life of home being there. And this divorce could’ve, couldn’t even scratch that, couldn’t even touch it. 

Client: Have to do. It’s like divorce had nothing to do with me. I really get that.

Okay. Thank you.

Thank you.

It’s been a day, hasn’t it? Awful. It’s been a day.

Todd: Yeah. That that’s [00:23:00] whew. That’s right. I’m like, I feel like I just came out of a, well, like 30 feet down and Yeah. 

Client 2: You might have just healed a couple moms too.

Todd: Hmm. Yeah. No. It feels healing for everyone. It might. Wow. Anyway, I want to even talk about it. It’s just on a feeling level. It’s so good.

Hmm. There’s nothing, it’s like there’s nothing to blame because there’s nothing bad to happen to me. That’s kind of the bottom line.[00:24:00] 

Client: Right. So, um, 

Todd: so what’s your pleasure? I know you said you wanted to do the work on. On, like do some full judge your neighbor worksheets. Yeah. On yours. Do you want to just wait and do the work in the forum on, on that? Or do you wanna do anything before? 

Client 2: I think I’ll, I think I’ll do it. 

Todd: Okay. 

Client 2: In, in a one-on-one where I can take a lot of time.

Todd: Perfect. 

Client 2: Um, but. I do have a couple things that did come up instantly. I wanna say, Barbara, I love watching you, um, do that because you, you’re such a good teacher to me too, and I, I just want you to know, I noticed that as Todd was kind of like coming to the end of it, and, and then he started wandering that you just, you just repeated the statement again a couple times and, and pulled him right back into it.

And then I, I [00:25:00] thought that was. That was really beautiful. Yeah. It’s so helpful. 

Todd: It’s like, I don’t even know, like when you’re really in it. I was just so in it. I didn’t know where I was. I’m just, I think I’m answering the question, but I don’t know. ’cause I started on those images and they, they just went everywhere.

Right. So, exactly. So Barbara just, yeah, just brought me back 

Client 2: right there with the statement and then, um. Asked you, would you like to move to question four or stay here and to, or stay here, you know, and you were ready to move. But that was, it would’ve dawned of me to ask or stay here, you know, you ready to move on?

But to that would, that I’m realizing can make a person feel as if, come on, you know, move on. And giving the choice. It’s, it’s an open-ended 

Todd: question, right? Right. It’s completely. Where would you like to go? Keep going. Stay here. You wanna stay 

Client 2: here? Either way is fine. The permission to stay here and keep [00:26:00] looking is.

It was very powerful. So I’m, I’m learning so much from you.

Todd: Yeah, it was really, uh, I loved, uh, the way you held me, Barbara. It was like you, you were just, you were with me and holding me, making sure I’m actually doing the work, but you were giving me as much space as I needed to. To go into those, those deep corners and, and look, and it didn’t, there were, I didn’t feel the pressure like you needed to be seen or that you needed to be like, um, 

Client 2: doing it right.

Feel good 

Todd: about yourself, you’re doing good job. Or, you know, get, have my attention brought to you. Like, I felt like I was, I just closed my eyes the whole time, which I don’t always do. And I just. I was so with me and you allowed me to be with me, and that gave me such a great [00:27:00] experience that can kept, kept me connected with myself through the whole time.

So, yeah. Thank you. Yeah, 

Client: it’s, it’s great to hear because I had a moment before, like early on where I thought, oh, I think he’s just describing and talking. Maybe I should. Bring him back that I didn’t act on. And then when I did act, I thought, oh, I’m dragging him out of, he’s like deeply in and I’m pushing him.

So it’s, so, it’s just lovely to be able to do this in this group right now. Go, ah, this is what I noticed, and then this is what I noticed and, 

Todd: mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Like really? 

Client: Mm-hmm. Learn from each other that way. So useful. 

Todd: And when you’re facilitating, you don’t know. It’s really, you don’t really know. Are they getting out of the work [00:28:00] here or are they not?

Like, I, I didn’t feel I was really getting out of the work. I, I felt like I was, I was still holding the thread, but it was, it was maybe loosely and I’m sure I would’ve brought myself more closely on my own. But it didn’t harm to just test it. Like, oh, where are you? Right. Hey, okay. Just checking in, you know?

And, and then the worst case scenario, you bring me out, I can just bring myself right back in. No big deal. Um, so there’s nothing, that’s why we we’re always talking about I can’t do it wrong. Um. And I’ve been doing this facilitating for 15 years and I still have to guess like, I don’t know, are they really are, are they just going on a tangent that they’re gonna bring back or are they really lost?

And so I’ll let it go for a while. Sometimes I know the client, it’s easier to [00:29:00] know. But um. Sometimes I just have to say, okay, so, and I’ll ask something again just like you did and we’ll find out. Right. No harm done. Yeah. Because bringing someone out would be like bringing them out of the work completely.

But if I’m bringing them to another question in the work, they’re then I’m really not necessarily bringing them out. I mean, the only thing is if they’re really getting into answering a particular question and they feel like there’s more to answer than, um, than maybe it’s like, like just checking that you’re answering, you’re still answering this question.

Right. 

Client 2: It seemed like that’s what she did, because she’s just repeated your statement, but she did it smoothly and quietly. Yeah. Kind of in the same tone you were speaking in. And I think she 

Todd: said, do, how do you react? Right. So that’s the broadest question. It’s not even one of the sub questions. Right. It’s [00:30:00] like the broadest question.

It was just like a little reminder to me. ’cause I was, I was in it and I think it was meditative and I think I was going mm-hmm. In the right direction. But just a reminder, what are we doing here? Oh yeah. How do I react and what’s the thought? Right? Oh yeah. I don’t have a home. And then it just re, it’s like I got a compass reading.

Okay. Over that way and off I went. Yeah.

Yeah. Beautiful. All right, so divorce is, as you can see, such a cool topic to do the work on. You know, these are like, these are juicy. They’re just so juicy and it’s really sweet to hold, to have the, have you and to do this live and to actually kind of hold the space for each other. Um. And I just wanna encourage all of us to follow the breadcrumbs.

And [00:31:00] if divorce is one of those breadcrumbs, just follow it in and see what you can learn. When you do a little bit of inquiry, it’d be be beautiful. 

Client 2: It’s funny, 

Todd: I feel like I got a home back today. Mm.

Yeah, a home that I never lost. I’m starting, I got a whole life back. I, it’s almost like the lights went out at age 16 and I never came back fully. They were on like the dimmer switch. They went down and like today, I just realized they never went down. That was just me putting like sunglasses on or something.

Client 2: It, it left me with a more confidence in my son and you know, him going through whatever he needs to go through because of the number of times we’ve moved as well. And then, you know, I look, I, I can then look from what might be his perspective, from my perspective, [00:32:00] obviously, and, and I can, you know, see him creating a home for his daughter.

And the fact that he and his wife recently divorced. And so it’s like, it just doesn’t, there’s, there’s no one who’s untouched by this subject. 

Todd: No. No, there isn’t. 

Client 2: Yeah. 

Todd: And yet there’s no one that is. In a way touched, like that’s what I discovered in my work. Like I was untouched. It had nothing to do with, right?

It was just two parents deciding not to live with each other and wasn’t you, what did that have to do with my home? Like that’s just, there’s house, right? There’s home is something more. And so yeah, I’m really getting that. Like that didn’t touch me. That’s bizarre. I really believed it did. I had all the proof, 

Client 2: but I’m not gonna call my son and say, you’re not touched.

Todd: No, no, no. Let him [00:33:00] have his story. Find it out his on his own. Love it.

If you want to. Participate in some of these, um, sessions like this one here. This is something that we do an inquiry circle, and I encourage you to take the work 1 0 1, which is the prerequisite for joining my Inquiry Circle group. And then, um, join us. We, we are really here for doing the work and we work really well as a group, and you’re welcome to join us.

As I mentioned, the work 1 0 1 is the prerequisite, and you’ll get a first taste of our Inquiry Circle community by joining the Work 1 0 1 because the Inquiry Circle members and myself are trainers for this work 1 0 1 course, and you’re gonna get a lot of attention. On, um, all the details of how to do the work in that course.

So I really encourage you [00:34:00] to check out the work 1 0 1, go to the work as meditation.com, um, and then go to the work 1 0 1. You’ll see buttons there, um, to get there. And the nice thing is it’s a do it yourself course, or you can have a trainer, or you can even hire me as a trainer. There’s different options of going through this course, but it will give you all the fundamentals to be completely self-sufficient in doing the work.

Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called Three Ways to Make Peace with Your Ex-Husband.

Try this the next time you pick up the kids. Tell your ex-husband that you hate him. Tell him that you’re going to do everything in your power to make sure he sees nothing of the kids. Start screaming and kicking and come down hard with your fist on his car. Not only will this make him mad, it will get you upset as well.

This approach will keep you [00:35:00] feeling angry for hours, if not days. Your creative energy gets zapped. And where did all the enthusiasm for spending time with your kids go? This is what happens when you don’t make peace. Your life becomes a living hell. You can’t sleep at night. You can’t work at work. All you think about is the injustice of the situation and it gets you down.

So how can you make peace with your ex? A powerful tool to help is called the work of Byron Katie. It’s a process of writing down your stressful thoughts and then questioning them. When you do the work on your ex-husband, you stop feeling like a victim and you start feeling how much influence you actually have on the situation and on your own happiness.

But it’s him. That’s the problem, not me. The work is not about condoning bad behavior. Your ex may very well be the perpetrator. The work is about your [00:36:00] happiness. So ask yourself, how is, how is your battle, um, how is your battle readiness affecting you? How is your defensiveness affecting your happiness?

It’s your life. We’re talking about how do you want to live? When you use the work to question stressful thoughts about your ex-husband, you’ll find how you make you unhappy. The work is about learning how you can free yourself from the stress, and when you do, it’ll be much easier to deal with him. Three ways to make peace with your ex.

The work is a series of questions that you can apply to any stressful thoughts or beliefs. Here are three ways to use the work to find peace within yourself about your ex. If you do the work on these, you may find your freedom creeping back inside. Here are the three main areas worth questioning. One my ex needs to change.

[00:37:00] Two, my ex-husband hurt me. Three. My ex-husband is a bad influence on the kids. Let’s look at each one of these areas one by one. My ex-husband needs to change. This is a powerful belief and it doesn’t have to be tackled all at once. The most effective way to bring this concept to the work is to make a list of all the ways you think he should change.

Then take each of them on the list to the work to question it. Here’s a sample list. You can, you should create your own. Um, though you’re welcome to use anything you see here that resonates with you. Remember, the more specific your complaints are, the better. He shouldn’t call me so much. He should have the kids ready when I pick them up.

He should respect my time. He shouldn’t argue with me. He should send child support on time. When you have your list [00:38:00] and it can go on for a while, take each item one by one and do the work on it. A facilitator can help you quite a lot. As you look at each item and question it, you’ll start to see things differently.

You may notice growing freedom as you start to see things differently. As these concepts start to loosen, you may want to look at the second area worth questioning. With the work my husband. My ex-husband hurt me. The second way to use the work to make peace with your ex is to question all the ways that you believe he hurt you.

Again, make a list, fill in the blank. Like this, my ex-husband hurt me by, and your list might look like this. He left me for another woman. He thought his work was more important. He treated me with contempt. Specifically how and when he destroyed our marriage. Specifically how he won’t talk to me [00:39:00] without being cold.

This list can go on, you may gain momentum as you write. Just get it out on paper and then take each concept to the work. As you work this list, you may find, um, that you have a part in things as well. That’s what the turnarounds bring to light. But more importantly, you will find out how you can free yourself from your own pain.

But don’t stop there. If you want to get still freer, it’s time to question one more concept. My ex-husband is a bad influence on the kids. This concept has many branches just like the other two. And you, when you question each part of it, you’ll come to peace with the role your ex-husband plays for your kids this time List all the ways you think he is a bad influence, especially the ones that make you mad.

It doesn’t make them do their homework. [00:40:00] He curses in front of them. He talks bad about me in front of them. He lets them watch too much tv. He has never aimed very high in life. Again, your last list may be much longer, though one concept is enough to start when you’ve got your list. Take each item to inquiry.

By doing the work on it, you’ll find growing compassion for your ex and more peace within yourself. But don’t try to do it all in one day. This is a project. It may take some time working through all the concepts you have written. Keep the list, but don’t get overwhelmed by it. Just work one concept at a time and use the work as a way to find the truth.

If you wanna piece within yourself, a powerful way to get it is to use the work to question all the stressful thoughts about your ex-husband. Three big concepts worth bringing to the work are my ex-husband needs to change. My [00:41:00] ex-husband hurt me and my ex-husband is a bad influence on the kids. If you’re caught in these beliefs, they will keep you angry and they will keep you gathering the evidence, which makes you even angrier when you list all the supporting EV evidence for these beliefs and question them with the work.

Your anger has no choice but to subside. When the anger subsides, you don’t have to try the kicking and screaming or the fist upon the car. No, you can pick up the kids you love and move along. You’ve got a life again.