Letting Peace Come and Go (Inner Work for Highly Sensitive People Seeking Calm)

Client: [00:00:00] I got to the point where I, in my thoughts, I’m like tired of it already, so it’s like. I am like, fi, trying to like fight it against my brain and my body and telling it like it’s enough. Like, I need you to like, I need my brain. Like, that’s kind of like the thought that I landed in. It’s like I want my brain to, to feel rested after a night of sleep.

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And we use something called the work of Byron Katie. If you’ve never heard of it before, it’s an amazing process of starting to question the very thoughts that you actually believe and you can question anything, especially when those thoughts are stressful.

I’m Todd Smith, and on the program today, a participant. First of all asks a question [00:01:00] about this process of meditation, which we call the work of Byron Katie. And this person is obviously very familiar with meditation and the experience that can come when you’re meditating like this, this light, uh, comfortable, beautiful kind of feeling can sometimes come when you’re doing the work of Byron Katie.

And his question is about how do you ground that? How do you make that, um. Continue, uh, outside of the process of doing the work. And then we actually do a, a session, uh, of. Going through the four questions and turnarounds of the work of Byron Katie and this topic, uh, with another participant has to do with, uh, not getting, not feeling rested after a night of sleep, and the frustration that can come up with that.

So these are both recordings from my open session, and this is something you can participate in anytime. Every week I do an open session, and that’s where most of the [00:02:00] material for this podcast comes from as well. I will read the newsletter, uh, that is kind of related to this topic, and it’s called First Turnaround of the Day.

It also relates to that feeling of not feeling rested at the beginning of the day. So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together and experience this firsthand. And what I encourage you to do as you’re listening, is to be the person who is going through this process. Like, just be like, relate to them as if it’s your own work.

And see if your own answers come up as you’re, uh, going along, following along. As always, I like to share the unedited recordings, uh, of these open sessions so that you can experience the work as it actually happens, which is not perfect, but is just very natural and unscripted. 

Client 1: I have a question. 

Todd: Yeah, sure.

Client 1: Yeah. Good. [00:03:00] Um, first of all, could, can you get your voice up a little higher? Volume. Todd, I think 

Todd: I’ll just speak a little higher. I can’t actually turn the volume up, but yeah, lemme, lemme talk a little louder. Hearing 

Client 1: doesn’t 

Todd: work so well. Okay, 

Client 1: thank you. So my question is, so as I’m doing the work, I can get pretty cerebral with it and, and, and then I try to drop it into the heart and I’m working that out and that’s good, what I’m looking for.

So, and I get at the end of the work after I do a judge, your neighbor worksheet or whatever. It feels really good. Okay. I get clear. I get more free, very positive. I’m looking for a way, and if there’s a way where you ground that, that insight or that whatever that is at, at, you know, at the end, how I can ground that in the body so it’s not just a nice experience that I had and it [00:04:00] sort of leaks over into life a little bit.

But I’ve got this sense as I was doing it yesterday, listening to Byron Katie, where I could ground it through my body, really ground it so that as I’m walking around, I’m in that. Does that make sense? 

Todd: Yeah, it does. Yeah. Yeah. It’s, um, it’s basically wanting to integrate that experience. Like to have it, I sometimes say, make it a part of my muscles, right?

When it’s not just, not just a fleeting experience, but it’s become like, it’s become a part of me. Um, so yeah, that is what the practice of the work. Slowly cultures over time. Um, and it happens even in after an individual kind of session. Um, I don’t know if I have like a, a really specific tip for how to, how to do that.

Um, but what comes to mind is [00:05:00] the way I do it, which is I’ll do the work, I’ll have some kind of a nice. Experience. It feels lighter, it feels freer. I feel a little more open in my heart. Uh, and I, and I kind of leave that. And what I do is I just go back out into my day and I, I actually kind of forget about it.

Um, and I kind of do that on purpose. I don’t try to hold onto it, uh, because. I don’t know how to, anyway, it kind of just kind of goes away as I, as I move out anyway, so I’ve kind of, what’s worked for me over the years is to just kind of let that go and then when I move into the world, I’m just moving, kind of like I had a nice shower and I’m feeling a little cleaner and I’m feeling a little lighter and, but I’m not worried if I get dirty again or get sweaty or get, you know, into trouble again, I’m just.

There is enough [00:06:00] of that that carries with me in the day, and then I know I’m gonna come back and do it again. Probably. The next day. Um, and so I’ve kind of gotten into this habit or this cycle of doing the work, and, and so I get that feeling and then it goes away, and then I, then I bring it back and then it goes away.

And that kind of back and forth for me tends to be, uh, how that starts to integrate. And, and I find that it, it, um. Without holding onto it, I, I start recognizing similar situations and I’m like, oh, oh, that’s that one. Oh, you know, and the, the feeling carries into that without a lot of cerebral, um, you know, engagement.

Really. It’s just like a recognition and, and I get tripped up on the same. Issues less often. Um, so that’s how it slowly integrates for [00:07:00] me. Um, and that’s where, where again, I say like it becomes a part of my muscles. Another analogy that I sometimes use, and it, and it works for me is, is like when you’re learning to play a sport or you’re trying to.

Play a new move in a sport or something. First you go in the locker room and you kind of mark it out on the chalkboard and you kind of figure out how to do it cerebrally. Um, but then you have to go out there and, and do it. And the first time you try, you fail, you know, and then you try a few more times and it starts sticking, and then you start being able to do it more dynamically, even with pressure and, you know, it, it becomes.

Literally a part of your muscles. Um, so that’s kind of how I see the process, um, developing. But, um, anyway, so that’s, that’s my first thought. Any, any, um, thoughts for you on that or anything that, that I can look into more, more from your side on this idea?

Client 1: No, that’s, [00:08:00] that’s a, that’s a good answer. I mean, what I’ve been doing is just starting to just ground. So after I finish, then I’ll just do it like a grounding cord and basic meditation and just to ground it like in the body. So just sending down a grounding cord from the top of my head all the way down to the center of the earth to, so I’m just practicing playing with it to integrate it because, um, yeah, in, in, in most of my meditations and, and different practices, it’s always the integration.

I, I can do practices. Very good. I’ve been doing ’em a long time, and I can do ’em really good and get very clear, very high, whatever, very loving, totally open heart, whatever. Then five minutes sort of off the cushion or off the practice, it like goes. And so I’m looking for that missing, the missing link of grounding it or integrating it.

So your answer was good. I got some benefit from that. Okay. 

Todd: Very cool. Yeah. Yeah. [00:09:00] Yeah, it’s a, it’s an experience, right? So that experience is, that’s what meditation gives some kind of experience and, and, um, but life happens too. Life is an experience too, and it’s a, we’re doing, we’re kind of asking ourselves to do the impossible.

It’s not impossible, but it’s a, it’s the challenge of integrating like worldly activity with s spiritual experience. And those two. They’re not mutually incompatible, but they seem like it at first. They’re like opposites. And so we’re bringing those together and that takes time. That that’s why all spiritual practices are, are, are an ongoing thing.

They’re like, it’s it’s not just a weekend or a one time or it’s like over decades we, we practice these things and, and that’s how it grows for me.

Alright, so. Any other questions or anyone wanna do the work? 

Client: I can [00:10:00] do the work unless Don has something that he wants to do the work on. No, you can go ahead, Edwin. Thank you. Thank you. Do, 

Todd: okay, great, Edwin. So, um, what’s the, what’s the situation for you? 

Client: Okay, so the situation is my brain or what? I think it’s my brain.

Basically I have, um, like a weird thing where I get headaches when I’m obviously, like most of the people get it anyway, but when I’m too tired, I get headaches. But the also the problem I have is that if I stay in bed, when I wake up for like 20 minutes or 30 minutes more, I get a headache too. And that stays for like the rest of the day and kind of ruins everything for me.

So I, I came to like, learn how it works and like go around it so I know if I wake up at 4:00 AM or 5:00 AM I [00:11:00] have to get up. If not, it’s gonna be like, kind of like a bad day. So the last, the last week or so, I’ve been getting this headaches like very, it’s been, it’s been like almost every day getting a headache, which is, hasn’t been fun.

Some of it is because of, I’ve been tired, and some of it is because I, I’ve been staying in bed trying to get my body to recover a little bit more. So it’s like a combination of both. And I got to the point where I, in my thoughts, I’m like tired of it already. So it’s like, I’m like fi trying to like fight it against my brain and my body and tell it like it’s enough.

Like, I need you to like, I need my brain. Like that’s kind of like the thought that I landed in. It’s. I want my brain to, to feel rested after a night of sleep, like last night, for example, or something like that. So yeah, I think that’s the one I would like to [00:12:00] work on. 

Todd: Okay. Yeah. Good one can relate. So you want your brain to feel rested after a night of sleep.

Is that true? Yes. 

Definitely. 

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true. You want your brain to feel rested after a night of sleep?

Yes, I do. So how do you react? What happens when you have this thought and you wake up? I. And you’re not feeling rested and you’re thinking, I want my brain to feel rested after a night of sleep.[00:13:00] 

Client: I start feeling judgmental right away, like blaming my body and my brain for not being able to, I. Get the rest or like have that sensation of being rested after a night of sleep.

I blame myself also for not knowing how to make it happen. Like I tried different ways, so I go back to like the different things I tried, like going to bed, bed earlier. Try to get some more rest and not do so many physical things.

So it goes back, like into a circle and I’m just like there wondering what else can I do? And I, I don’t seem to find the answer, so it’s like [00:14:00] powerless. ’cause I can’t seem to figure it out.

And I just, my mind starts like wondering. How every day this is gonna happen again, and it’s gonna be a struggle for me, like trying to figure it out again and again and again without getting an actual answer. Like just repeating itself like, like the never ending story. So I kind of blame myself a lot for that too, for not being able to figure it out.

Knowing that I’m good at figuring things out, like not being able to figure this out. It’s like, why I can’t do that? It’s like, what’s going on?

So yeah, I feel, I feel like I have a limit and I don’t want to accept that. It’s like maybe I’m reaching some kind of limit that I don’t want to take as a limit. Like I want f. Think of [00:15:00] myself, like I, I just don’t have that limit. I can go over it, surpass that and just keep going. It’s like,

so yeah, I blame it. I blame myself a lot because of that, and yeah, I just feel powerless because of it. I don’t know. I don’t know. What else can I do to get over it?

Todd: So who would you be without this thought? Same situation. You wake up not feeling rested, who would you be without the thought? I want my brain to feel rested after a night of sleep.

I.[00:16:00] 

Client: I’m there like empty in a way.

I feel like no judgements are there because I don’t,

I don’t compare that day with any other day.

So it’s like acceptance in a way, but it’s, Hmm. It’s weird because it’s not accepting in a way for me would be comparing it to something else. And I’m not, [00:17:00] without the thought. I’m not comparing it to anything else. So.

This is so interesting. I never looked at it that way. It’s like,

it’s like somebody that doesn’t have a leg waking up. I don’t think they wake up and compare one leg to the other one. They just wake up and that’s it. There’s no comparisons. There’s. Just, it’s just like there, waking up and rolling with the punches, as they say. Just accepting what’s there.

Todd: So what’s that like on the experiential level? Like you’re just, you wake up, like just this morning [00:18:00] is the example, right? So you’re, you’re wake up, you feel that that. Tired feeling that not rested feeling. What do you notice when you, when you’re experiencing that without this thought, that you want your brain to feel rested?

Client: I’m more open. I’m not close to.

It’s weird because like I’m not feeling limited anymore, even though physically I could be, but it’s like I’m more open to

do the things that I need to do during the day [00:19:00] and without the thought. I’m just, I. Willing to do ’em before I would like kind of like complain about it and go back and forth between the thought and, and the reality and, and all that. But without it, I’ll just, I’ll just take a pill if I have to, even though I don’t like it.

But I’ll take a pill if I need to.

I could even just take a nap. I would be more open to do that. ’cause that usually helps too. Like a 20 minute nap, I’ll be open to do that.

So it’s like I’m more open to options. It’s not, I.

It’s not like I’m landing on it and I’m just [00:20:00] letting the thought rule my day in a way. It’s just like, I’ll just do the things. It’s interesting ’cause I feel like without thinking about it, it’s, it’s like it’s there, but it’s, it feels like it’s not there in a way. It’s like, 

mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 

Todd: It’s there, but it’s not as much the center of attention right.

Client: Before I’m letting it control my day and the things I can do because of that limitation I have. But without thinking about it is, it’s like I’ll just, I’ll just do the things regardless. If I feel a little bit la, a little bit of pain, then I’ll just like back up a little bit or do something different.[00:21:00] 

But it’s not like I don’t feel the limitation of, oh, I can’t do that or something. It’s just like, maybe I’ll switch it up. Maybe I’ll just do something completely different. But I don’t feel limited, which is really weird. It’s a weird feeling after feeling after feeling so limited. Yeah. 

Todd: Well, it’s, it’s so interesting to just hear your experience, um, because it’s the, it’s the same situation we’re looking at.

You’re just as tired, right? This nothing has changed physically about your night of sleep at all. But with, with that thought, you know, with that thought, it’s like. Really powerless and helpless and frustrated and everything you described without the thought, it’s still there, but other options are there.

Like, I can take a nap, I can go easy today. I could take a, [00:22:00] a aspirin or something like there’s a, there are options and it’s not as front and center, so the experience is a little bit different. 

Client: Yeah, it feels a lot different for me because before it’s like, like with the thought, I started going back how the day is gonna be and how horrible I’m gonna feel at the end.

You know, I’m going ahead of myself the whole day until I go again to sleep. And without the thought, I’m not even, I’m just there. That’s it. Like I’m just waking up and I’m about to get up. That’s it. Nothing else. I’m not thinking about how the day’s gonna be or how am I gonna be able to deal with it. I just have the options there.

If I want to use any of those, I’ll just use them and that’s it. But I’m not thinking ahead of myself at all. I. Which is weird because I usually do that a lot. Yeah. It’s like 

Todd: the whole day is gonna be [00:23:00] terrible. Then I’m gonna have the same problem tomorrow night. It’s gonna be also terrible. Right. Then it’s gonna keep going and in a few years I’m just gonna be unable to work.

Like, you know how it goes. Like the mind is so engaged in these future possibilities, um, that it. That it? Yeah. Without the thought, that’s just not there and it’s just Okay. Feeling a little tired, wonder how things will go. 

Client: That’s so interesting. ’cause like I can’t even physically feel the relief on that, you know?

Like where before I’m like tighten physically, like my back is tightened and I’m feeling like, ugh. And without it, it’s like loose. It’s like right, 

Todd: right. That’s so interesting. Cool. So the power of a thought, that’s what we see over and over in this work. How one thought changes the [00:24:00] experience. It’s not the whole story.

The physical has its thing, but this also has its effect, the thought. So how would you turn the thought around? I want my brain to feel rested after a night of sleep.

Client: First one will be, I don’t want my brain to feel rest or rested after a night of sleep.

Todd: So the opposite, you know, like, fasten your seat belts, let’s see where we go. 

Client: And that feels just true because it doesn’t, like right now, the reality is that it doesn’t, if I look at it that way, so, mm-hmm. It’s just the reality of the situation and it’s, it is what it is.

The other one is that even though, even though it’s my brain, [00:25:00] I don’t control it. Like, it’s not like I can move my hand and grab it and like switch it somewhere else or like make it go to sleep fully or nothing. I. It’s, it’s like, it’s not my business because I can’t control any of that. Like, 

Todd: yeah. Yeah. I, I like that.

Yeah. It’s not my business. My, I can’t control it. Anything I can’t control is not my business, so. Right. So wanting it to be different and it’s not something you can control is a setup for a lot of frustration. 

Client: Right. It’s like feeling I wanna be smarter. Like it doesn’t work that way. It’s like, Nope. Like it’s not.

Yep, 

yep. 

Todd: Wow. Exactly. So I don’t want my brain to feel rested after a night of sleep. It feels like [00:26:00] I’m just joining in with the reality of my brain today. It’s not so rested. Hmm. So let me be with it because it’s easier, more comfortable, more gentle to be with it as it is, than to fight with it and, and want it to be different and cause even more stress Right on top of it.

Client: Yeah. And another one would be, I don’t want it because. It’s like a puzzle for me too. You know, it’s something that I’m trying to figure out how to make it rest better. So it’s, it’s, that’s like some sort of challenge for myself as well. So if I don’t have it, then I’ll lose that part. So it’s kinda like, I want it to not feel rested so I can figure it out how to do it, and then kind of like achieve something, I guess, or something like that.

It’s like, mm-hmm. I wanna figure it out. Mm-hmm. Kind of thing. 

Todd: Yeah, [00:27:00] those kind of challenges are interesting. I, I think of, for me, I had so much trouble with my digestion for years and years, and then I just slowly, slowly, slowly figured it out and it’s like, I don’t have any issue anymore. And it’s like, it’s cool to like chew on that problem for years, even though it’s slow, feels like, you know, progress is slow, but it’s a big thing to figure out.

So, yeah, you don’t have to do any crossword puzzles because you have this one to work on. True. It’s a big one. That’s right. I don’t want my brain to feel rested. What are, are there any advantages to not, to waking up and not feeling rested? Are there any advantages for you? Some way.[00:28:00] 

Client: I think what big advantage would be that

I’m more aware of what I’m doing and where I’m putting my time into, you know, ’cause I, I can like stay on my screen all day or go to play games or something like that because I know it’s gonna be bad for me. So I think it helps me refocus on the things that I need, really need to do. And on the other side, it’s like, um, kinda like a warning call if you want.

It’s like if I’m feeling that tired, then maybe I’m doing something wrong and I need to figure out how I’m going about my day to maybe slow down a little bit on some things. Or maybe switch some things up. So yeah, it’s like, it’s like a little knock on the [00:29:00] door, you know? So I think it’s helpful to have it too.

Todd: Yeah. Like we wanna not have it, but having it maybe pointing out something. It’s like a little warning light on the car. Mm-hmm. Just tells you there’s something, you should check it out. There’s low oil, you know? 

Client: Right. And you can still keep going and it’s not gonna damage anything, but it’s like, Hey, watch out.

Maybe you need a little bit more sleep, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, or whatever. Right, right. 

Todd: Right. It’s exactly like stressful thoughts. They’re like, Byron Katie often talks about them as the alarm clocks. You know, they’re there to show you something’s, something’s stressful, what’s going on, go in and check it out.

The same with the body or with the routine or something like, okay, I am still, I’m consistently tired, not getting enough rest. So what is that? What There might be something [00:30:00] to learn, right? To adjust. So it’s an advantage to have your brain feel not rested in a strange kind of way because it’s giving you the feedback to look into it.

And, and yeah, maybe like you said, maybe letting go, like this is the kind of thing that makes me choose my priorities, say no to some things. Um, and. Restructure how I live in my day, that works better for me.

Client: Yeah, I think it’s a great call.

So just listen for the signs. 

Todd: Here it is, right? If I want the sign to just go away. [00:31:00] Then, then it’s frustrating because I actually got a really good alarm clock that even when I try to shut it off, it gets louder. It’ll just keep coming louder and louder. That’s a really, that’s, you pay a lot of money for that kind of alarm.

Clock clock, and so you can’t shut it off. You try to for a while, try, but something is, wants to be known, so what is it? 

Right. 

Todd: So I want my, so this is a very strange turnaround, right? At first, like I want, I want my brain to feel re sorry. I don’t want my brain to feel rested after a night of sleep. Of course, I want it to feel rested, but when it doesn’t feel rested, I want that because I want to know there’s something going on, 

Client: right?

Don’t look at it as a bad thing, just like try to look [00:32:00] for what it’s trying to tell you and the positive on it. So 

Todd: that’s right. It reminds me of those people that are born without any pain receptors. They don’t feel pain at all. Seems like, oh wow. Lucky them. But they usually don’t live past maybe 10 or 12 years old if that, because they injure themselves.

They don’t even know they, they. Touch the hot stove. They do something, they, they don’t feel the pain. So pain is in a way, helpful, even though we don’t want it. Still good to have it’s feedback.

Cool. Well, thank you Edwin. Really good to dive into this, something that I think almost all of us can relate to on some level. Thank you.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one we just heard here, [00:33:00] then go to the work as meditation.com and you’ll see a link there for open sessions and you can find out how to get started with that. You have to sign a release form and then, um, once that’s done, you can join us. And we do this every week.

Um, just seven people max, uh, join for these calls and it’s a great way to. Jump in, ask your questions, do the work, um, and go deeply into this process of questioning stressful thoughts. Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called First Turnaround of the Day.

Beautiful mornings don’t always start out that way. I suffer from an old wish. Since I was young, I’ve always wished I could wake up feeling like a million bucks. The problem is I have had a taste of this [00:34:00] nectar like experience, and it makes waking up in any other state very disagreeable. By comparison.

I’ve tried various ways to fix the problem, but in reality. Doing what I need to do to feel this way consistently is not a high enough priority for me. It would basically require that I retire, and I don’t want to do that either. I. So at some point I decided to make friends with not feeling like a million bucks when I get up.

And those are always the literal words that come to mind. I wanna feel like a million bucks and rarely do I feel like a million bucks right out of, uh, the gates when I wake up. So I wrote a worksheet on it and I found that my tiredness was at least 50% mental resistance. By comparing my state of rest to an ideal, I was basically making myself feel [00:35:00] even worse.

So getting up became my turnaround. It’s kind of strange, but I’ve been doing this now for a while and it’s now I’m getting up just because it’s time. It doesn’t matter if I feel like a million bucks or not. And amazingly, within minutes, I usually feel great. The funny thing is I’m generally more motivated to go to bed on time as well, but regardless, I’m not dependent on the state of my body when I wake up.

I can turn things around in very little time and this is what I’ve observed. Without this thought that I wanna feel like a million bucks. Oh my God, I didn’t wake up. I’m feeling great. Um, what I’ve noticed is there’s just a grogginess that takes a few minutes to wear off and within a few minutes. I’m feeling actually like 98% fine and if necessary, I’ll take a nap later or I’ll, [00:36:00] uh, just wait until the next night and get the rest that I’m looking for.

At that point, I. So I invite you to do the work on any aspect of your body that’s not living up to your ideal. The sleep is one thing. It could be weight, it could be some aspect of how you look, something where it’s something you can’t really fully control, and how much. Of that stressful experience is coming from the actual situation, and how much of it is coming from your stressful thinking about the situation, your comparison, your idea that it should be different.

In my case, the thoughts that I should be feeling like a million bucks when I woke up were actually causing more of that bad feeling in me than the actual fatigue that was in my body.

Here’s a quote from Byron Katie from her book. [00:37:00] Question Your Thinking, change the World. I’m supposed to sleep at three o’clock in the morning. Is that true? I don’t think so. I’m wide awake. I love lying in bed in the middle of the night with my eyes wide open because that’s what I’m doing. There’s no thought that I should be doing anything else.