Staying Calm in Conflict as a Highly Sensitive Person (Stress Relief Through Inner Work)

Client: [00:00:00] How can you be prepared for when, like, you get involved in some negative environment? Like let’s say, like you can feel that, right? But how can you, like, protect yourself from having those, those negative thoughts or, you know, being involved in that negativity and put your part in it too. 

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around.

No matter what’s going on, no matter what the situation, if I can find a little wiggle room just in my thinking, it’s enough to begin to experience some freedom, some peace inside of myself, so I don’t actually have to change the whole world. I. In order to be peaceful,

I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, we have a kind of [00:01:00] short program. We ran into some technical difficulties, um, with the open session, so there won’t be a, uh, dialogue today with somebody doing the work. But one, uh, question did make it, and we will be able to share the question and answer, um, on that.

This was a question about how to not let other people affect your state of mind, like when you’re doing the work or after you’ve done the work. And we’ll, uh, there will also be the recording of my, uh, uh. Recording of my newsletter, me reading the newsletter and the newsletter this time is, uh, called Navigating the Divided Landscape, which has to do with all the division you we’re all experiencing in the world right now and how to maintain some feeling of peace inside, um, when this is what we’re facing.

So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together. A simple, powerful [00:02:00] way to question what you think. So here’s the, uh, question and answer from the open session that, uh, I’m sharing. And after that we’ll move on to the newsletter.

Client: Yeah. Todd, like going back to that subject, how can you be prepared for when like. You get involved in some negative environment, like let’s say, like you can feel that, right? But how can you, like, protect yourself from having those, those negative thoughts or, you know, being involved in that negativity and put your part in it too.

Like is there a way for you to like, be aware of that before you jump into it? 

Todd: Yeah. Um. As I understand your question, and I’m not sure if I fully get it, but, um, what first comes to mind is that I can’t control my [00:03:00] thinking that like that happens, especially emotional thinking. It just happens. Like I’m walking along, I see something, I get triggered, and now I’m completely overwhelmed by it.

Um, so in that sense, uh. This work is kind of something I do after that. Like I can notice at some point, oh, I was getting triggered, so this might be something good to take a look at and do the work on. And then as I work it later on, I may get clearer on other options that I could have, other ways I could have seen that situation.

Um. Back when I review it. But this is not just for the benefit of clearing up that past situation. It also is a kind of prevention because as I see options in an old situation, situations tend to repeat themselves. And I may come into a similar situation where I, [00:04:00] uh, I will be presented with the same kind of stressors and if I’ve worked through it.

To whatever degree it’s sort of landed for me. I may start to see those options in real time. Um, and I may sidestep the, the trigger. I may not actually get triggered or I may get triggered and then get UNT triggered much more quickly. Um, it’s kind of a process like that. So I always think of it as like learning a sport or something.

You first learn how to make that particular play, like in theory, maybe on a chalkboard. Then you have to go out and do it on the field and then your usual mess up a lot of times before you actually can do it in real life and, and especially you might practice with your teammates and then you practice with another team, it’s even harder, you know, so like with time you, you become more and more able to maintain [00:05:00] the clarity that you had when you were doing the work.

Later when situations are coming up. But again, I’m not sure if I’m a hundred percent on your question, so remind me again or say again what you’re, what you’re asking. 

Client: Yeah, it’s basically that, it’s like when, when I’m, when I’m facing situations like that that are stressful or you know, because people around me are being negative or, you know, related to that, like one way out that I was like kind of.

That has been happening to me is that I’m, I usually go to like, are they doing that? Like, is that true? But it’s, it’s, it’s not doing the work right away, but it’s just like, like second guessing what’s happening. But I find that it’s, it doesn’t resolve the issue of like, you know, having those emotions like hit you or like, you know, taught you in getting in that negative mood too.

It’s like, ah, it’s happening again, or things like that. So it’s not, it’s not like [00:06:00] a complete solution for it. So you obviously need to do the work on that later on. And then you may find like peace in that situation, but not while in the moment. 

Todd: Yeah, there’s like a short version of doing the work, like the, like the cheat sheet version, you know, is it true?

Or ask yourself something like that, um, in the moment and it can be helpful. Um, but. If it’s a big enough trigger, it may not be helpful. Like if it’s, if I’m too much overwhelmed, then even in the moment when I’m saying, is it true? It’s just too hard. I, I can’t go there. Right? And so that’s when I say, oh, mental note to myself, this will be a good one for me to work.

I can’t wait to get home. Write a nice judge your neighbor worksheet. And then I’m gonna spend the next week just doing a little bit each day on that worksheet and just see how much clarity I can gain from that situation. But, um, but if [00:07:00] I’ve done a lot of work on something, then I might be back in that.

Situation that triggers me and just remembering is it true, might be enough for me to kind of remember all that work that I did or some of the insights that I saw, and I might start to be, I might just be able to sidestep. And not get triggered so much. 

Um, 

Todd: so, so shortcut is fine. Um, but it might not be enough.

That’s all. That’s why I love the formal practice of the work where I’m actually sitting down and doing the work. You know, that’s my focus and I. Sometimes the, the little short version, like one of my favorite short versions is, who would I be without that thought in that moment? You know, sometimes just that is enough.

Or even sometimes just identifying what is the thought I’m thinking without even saying is it true or who would I be without the thought or anything. Just noticing in the stressful moment that I’m believing, oh, I’m believing that [00:08:00] she’s so negative. Right in that, just seeing that, that’s what I’m thinking sometimes brings enough awareness that it starts to, to be less triggering for me.

But if it’s triggering, then no problem. I can go back to my formal work and do that at a later time. Even if I unt trigger myself, I can still go back and do the formal work, and I love to do that. Like even when it’s, oh, that was no big deal. I really, I managed to figure that one out pretty quick. But I may come back and still write a worksheet on it because there was something, there, something was still like, so I think of the work as cleaning up.

I’m going in and cleaning up whatever’s left, and I don’t know what’s left until I get presented with those stressful situations. So the, the stressful situations just show me what’s in there and if something’s there. I’m in the business of looking for, for those things and [00:09:00] cleaning it up as much as I can, so I’m excited.

Okay, great. Another worksheet. I see. Thank you. Yeah. Welcome. If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one we just heard, um, then go to the work as meditation.com and you’ll find there a link to the open sessions page. And there you can find the schedule and sign up and, um, via participant or an audience member.

Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles, and this article is called. Navigating the divided landscape,

it takes skill to sail peacefully through the divided landscapes of today’s culture. Division is sewn deeply. In today’s world, it seems almost anything can become a [00:10:00] political wedge. You’ll recognize these issues because they almost invariably cause stress as people scramble to take sides. Vaccines, abortion, religion, diet, environment can add more gun control.

These are all just. These are, are some of the kind of topics that are hot today, and it really doesn’t matter whether it’s today or a hundred years ago or a thousand years ago. This kind of divided, uh, opposing sides. Uh, issue comes to the forefront a lot, whether it’s liberal versus conservative, whether it’s race against race or religion versus religion.

The world somehow wants to draw hard lines against each other and to fight, and they want us to take sides. So how do you navigate these dangerous waters, if you [00:11:00] may, um, where one wrong turn can destroy your ship? One way, of course, is to never set sail. You know, just avoid the whole thing. Kind of stay in your cave.

I can, I can relate to that idea. Um, just keep your head in the sand, right? That’s one way. But it’s not the only way to remain unstressed in today’s world. It’s actually possible to participate in, uh, divisive discussions without getting overwhelmed. It’s possible to even to be passionate about something, um, without getting stress.

It just depends on how you see it. Stress in my experience, um, comes from attachment and from fear when I’m attached to being right. I feel threatened when somebody challenges me and when I fear disapproval, I hide my views from others. So [00:12:00] either way, I’m attached and that attachment. Leads to an experience of stress within myself.

What if those attachments and fears were not there? Would the same discussions about these same issues be as stressful? Let’s take vaccines for example. There are two camps with vaccines. One is they are really important. Everyone should do them, and the other is they’re dangerous. No one should do them, and these couldn’t be.

More diametrically opposed points of view. And of course on top of that, it’s all or nothing. Either you get vaccinated or you don’t. There’s no middle ground. Seemingly. If you look more closely, I. The topic revolves around fear, like there’s a fear in people, fear of this pandemic, fear that the pandemic will get worse if we don’t get the vaccines on [00:13:00] the one side, and then fear that the vaccines will make health worse by causing other health problems on the other side.

So both, both sides are driven to some degree by fear. Um, at least that’s how you can get caught up in the emotional version of these discussions. I. So this makes any discussion, uh, between two fearful people on opposite sides become, uh, very emotional. It’s like it’s a discussion. But once you bring in the fear factor, it becomes an emotional discussion.

And that is a much more stressful kind of experience. It’s like each side is fighting for survival. This is now personal, this is dire, this is extreme. And, and so you start seeing the other side as like, you know, evil, right? Those, those, those thoughts come up. Um, the enemy, the, the, the opposite of. Of [00:14:00] a human being.

And so we start thinking of wanting to destroy the other side or to take them down or to, to somehow make them, force them into, uh, submission somehow. And this is not conducive for any kind of peaceful discussion, but what if each side questioned its fearful thinking. If you’re accustomed to doing the work of Byron Katie, you’re no stranger to questioning fears.

It’s a very simple, yet very profound idea. Here I have a fear, and just because I have a fear doesn’t mean that it’s that it can’t be questioned. So when I take a thought and question it, I began to open my mind to other sides of that same. Same situation, but I’m starting to see it from other points of view.

And in my experience, the fear often goes very f much [00:15:00] down. So for example, the thought the other camp, whatever it is, whatever your vaccine camp is, the other camp threatens my health, right? So, so one side of the vaccine fight might be saying, you know, people who don’t get vaccinated are threatening my health.

That could be a very stressful thought. The same. The other side might be saying, people who get vaccinated are threatening my freedom. You know, so whatever’s being threatened here, I’m taking a side and I’m having a fear that I’m going to lose something. I’m gonna lose my health, I’m gonna lose my freedom, I’m gonna lose my wealth, whatever it is.

So doing the work on a statement like this, the other camp threatens my fill in the blank. Um, can be a way of starting to open up to see other sides of it. How do I react when I believe the thought that someone is threatening my health? The [00:16:00] whole story of conflict is built into this thought, 

um, 

Todd: with a, it’s like I begin, I become, I become like.

Protective. I become defensive. I become angry. I become belligerent. I become really, uh, I began to fight and who would I be without the thought? I would start to see good people on both sides of this artificial divide, conceptual divide. I start to see similarities dominating now instead of these charged differences, we may still disagree.

There may be different policies that we favor, and there may be some actually interesting discussions coming out if I’m not so rigidly closed, um, to my, to the other point of view and rigidly attached to my point of view. So another piece of this is the thought I am right, right. This is like built into this [00:17:00] kind of division.

I am. Right. And when I believe that I’m right, watch out. And this is serious. This is important. So if I’m right, I’m not even gonna listen to your point of view. So what if you questioned that thought? I am right. Is it true? Who would you be without the thought? I’m right. I’d be listening. I’d be putting my cards on the table.

I would be. Willing to share my vulnerable points of view. I’d be willing to discuss, be willing to engage. There would be way less charge. And if in the end it’s unclear what is true, this discussion would not get stuck on that. There wouldn’t even be a need to find an absolute truth. You know, both sides are open.

They’re, they’re, they realize that there’s truth on both sides, and I think that’s where sometimes. This really does get stuck, is that when I need to be right then um, there has to be a winner. There has to be a loser, there has to [00:18:00] be, uh, there has to be an absolute. And so we try to find some absolute truth, but many of these issues actually have a lot of gray area and, and it’s just very hard to, to make one side the absolute, so.

Being open, um, realizing that there’s truth on both sides. This is how humans interact When they’re not stressed, they respect each other. They, they listen carefully. They share opposing points of view with kindness without force. But this way of interacting is only possible when the mind is not attached to being right.

So. I always love this work of Byron Katie because it’s such a simple way to begin questioning these thoughts that I’m attached to. And when I question them, my attachment often loosens. And when my attachment loosens, I become a more gentle, more loving, [00:19:00] more easily, uh, a person who’s more easily able to interact with others in, in a stress-free way.

So I encourage you to notice your stressful thoughts on this or any other divisive issue and question your thoughts by filling in a judge your neighbor worksheet. This is perfect setup for a judge your neighbor worksheet. Um, just focus on someone on the other side or on the other side as a group and write a worksheet.

Then when you go through and question the statements that you wrote on your worksheet, you may start to see, um, that there is a middle ground, that there is not an absolute, and that there’s more option besides just fight or flight, um, a way that feels peaceful inside, even when others may be still defensive.

If you wanna practice doing this work, I encourage you to take the work 1 0 1 course, which I offer starting, uh, it starts [00:20:00] every three months or so. And in that course, you’ll spend time unraveling the thoughts that bind you, whatever they may be. So let’s end with a quote from Byron Katie, and this is from the book, A Mind at Home with Itself.

Fear is born only to words. Believed. What? Believes those words is a concoction of prior words. Believed who started all this confusion you did. Who can end it? Only you.