Why Inner Work and Meditation Help Highly Sensitive People Cope with Stress and Frustration

Client: [00:00:00] Yeah, I’m not thinking about it. Like if I can be there and just look at him like that, it’s just like, it’s just the way he is. Like, yeah. He doesn’t have to be any difference. Right. It’s just unorganized, like, that’s it. 

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, A podcast where we get into the work of Byron Katie and we look for.

Ways to see a stressful situation, um, from a different perspective. And this is called the work of Byron Katie, and it’s an amazing process. We’ll get into it in this, into, uh, this podcast.

I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, a participant does the work on the thought. I want him to be organized. This is about a client who was, um, frustrating this person, and, um, he questioned his thought. So let’s dive [00:01:00] into the work of Byron Katie together. This is a very simple, powerful way to question what you think and.

In this session, you’re going to, we’re gonna start with the recording of my weekly open session. Now in this session, uh, I don’t edit these sessions, so you’re going to see what actually, uh, happened here. We have a few technical issues in the beginning, so it’s gonna kind of jump in in the middle. But, uh, bear with me.

I think you’ll still find a lot of, uh, interesting insights coming out of this work. So, I don’t know if. Others were hearing that. But um, basically he was doing this work on, I want him to be organized. And it was so clear how that thought caused so much stress in his own experience. And then without that thought, it’s like.[00:02:00] 

Way more peaceful. The, the, the same situation was less pressuring for him, less stressful, uh, for him. So just these two questions, how do I react and who would I be without the thought reveal so much? They reveal like how, how stressful it is to be believing that thought. Okay, great. So you’re back.

Hopefully everyone can, can hear. Um, now, so I was just kind of recapping the work that you were doing on how you react versus who you would be without the thought. Um, anything more to add on who you would be without the thought that you want him to be organized? 

Client: Yeah, I think it just like could be. Just like I said, calm, like I don’t have to, [00:03:00] like, you know, those thoughts come into my mind every time there is an interaction with him.

So without the thought, it’s like, calm. I’m not getting that many thoughts of like, ah, here we go again. Or like, you should just drop it or just forget about it, or don’t pick up a phone or things like that. Or just not present. I just can’t keep going with my day the way it was, which was great. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah.

That’s it. The day is going along fine until that thought appears. Yeah, right, right. So even with the same client, if the thought isn’t there, the experience is different.

Client: Right. 

Todd: That’s that little bit of wiggle room that I love to look for. Right. Even if they don’t change, [00:04:00] if my thought isn’t there that I want him to be organized, then it’s easier for me.

Client: Right. And he makes sense because like I’m thinking about it before anything happens. Like, you know, the thought is there before he says anything. So I’m just like preventing myself, like getting ready for that fight. And sometimes there’s no fight at all. It’s just like everything here, just that thought and nothing that day may, nothing may happen.

He could be like organized and like we could have a good session and that’s it. Like it just goes like that. But I’m still, in my mind I’m thinking that. So it’s like, ah.

Todd: Yeah, so that thought has, has a direct correlation to your experience when that thought is there, regardless of how he shows up, your experience is stressful. [00:05:00] 

Client: Yeah, that’s true. 

Todd: And vice versa, regardless of how he shows up. If that thought isn’t there, I want him to be organized. Like what do you see when you look at him?

Unorganized as he is without the thought. You want him to be organized. What do you, what do you start to notice about him?

Client: I start to, hmm. I started seeing but for what he is and not for what I want him to be. So it almost feels like that judgment I have on him is gone. So

yeah, I’m not thinking about it. Like if I can be there and just look at him like that, it’s just like, it’s just the way he is. [00:06:00] Like he doesn’t have to be any different, like he’s just, I. That’s it. Yeah. 

Todd: Right. 

Client: I’m not worried about him being what he is, so I love it. 

Todd: Yeah. All right, so let’s try turning the thought around.

I want him to be organized. 

Client: I don’t want him to be organized.

Yeah, that makes sense. I don’t need him to be organized. I can help him as much as I can, the way he wants me to help him, and that’s it. Without putting the way I want to help him out in the middle. 

Todd: Hmm. 

Client: Interesting. 

Todd: I love that. Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. And I could just accept him for what he is, like the way he [00:07:00] wants to.

Work with me is just like it. It is just that. It is the reality of the how he wants to work with me or the reality of the situation. It doesn’t have to be any different.

Wow.

That’s cool. That feels great actually.

Todd: Yeah.

I don’t want ’em to be organized. Hmm. 

Client: Yeah. It feels like I’m like, almost like if I’m dragging a rope or something that is very heavy and I’m just dropping it and letting it go, and that’s it. Like don’t hold it anymore. It almost feels like that.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that he doesn’t have to be organized at all. 

Todd: That [00:08:00] thought is the heavy rope. You know? I want him to be organized because when I want him to be organized, if he’s not organized, I’m not okay. He has to change. I need him to change, and it has to and, and it’s impossible. So I have a want.

That is impossible to fulfill. It’s a heavy chain, heavy rope,

so I don’t want him to be organized because he isn’t. It’s like, yeah, and as if you look at it closely, you may start to see some advantages even for you of him not being organized. Can you find any? 

Client: Yeah, that’s exactly why he needs me. He’s not organized. So, so he needs somebody who is, that can help him out.

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: And it could be a long process or whatever it is, but like if he [00:09:00] would be, if if he’s super organized, then I wouldn’t even be working with him probably. He’ll have everything figured out. 

Todd: Exactly. 

Client: So 

Todd: his lack of organization gives you a role to play. Someone who can bring in the organization. 

Client: Yeah.

And I can see that now. 

Todd: Hmm. 

Client: Because like I was looking at it like a blocker or like kind of a wall before, but looking at it this way, it just feels like I’m just fulfilling that need that he has. And that’s, that’s exactly my role.

Todd: Hmm. Yeah. That’s neat. Then it’s like another, like a different understanding of relationship. You know, it’s not that we both have to have everything working perfectly and come together, but we can, you can have some strengths and I, and I can, you can have some weakness, I can have some [00:10:00] strength and vice versa, and we may have a more symbiotic relationship.

Client: Right.

Right. That makes a lot of sense too. 

Todd: Any other advantages to him not being so organized for you? 

Client: The other advantages is that it makes me realize,

like on my personal life, the reason why I need to be organized. It’s like a, that little ding ding reminder. It’s like, oh, this is why you gotta be organized. Like Right. If not, this may happen to you. So watch out. 

Todd: Right. It’s good, good, uh, good for your own, uh, confidence that you’re doing it the way that works for you to be organized.

Yeah. Yeah. [00:11:00] 

Client: And that’s that little reminder. Many times you just forget about things and you just keep doing it ’cause you think you’re doing it right. Because you don’t have those reminders, so sometimes you just have to hit a wall to see that you did something wrong along the way. But this time I have the advantage of getting those little reminders here and there to let me know that that’s exactly why it should keep being organized and like keep everything the way it has to be, or it should be 

Todd: cool.

So what’s another turnaround? I want him to be organized. 

Client: I think the one I just noticed is like, I want myself to be organized with him. 

Todd: Mm-hmm. Okay. That’s a great turnaround. So what could that mean? I, 

Client: it actually makes sense to me because like once I start having the thoughts. Like my [00:12:00] mind, like half of it, it feels like it shuts down.

’cause I know, okay, this is what’s gonna happen, so I’m not gonna use my full potential or, you know, the things that I could be doing because I know he’s not organized. So I get in, in that mindset of not doing as much as I, I could be doing perhaps, or being as organized as I could be to help him out. So I think it makes, it makes a lot of sense.

For me to be organized and like, don’t think about that and just like be organized from minute one since I started my conversations with him to take the most out of it. To make him take the most out of it. Mm-hmm. By me being organized. 

Todd: Right. Yeah. You never know. He might even appreciate that. 

Client: Right.

Todd: It’s like you know how to be organized, so why not [00:13:00] lead the way? 

Client: Exactly. Show him how to do it instead of waiting for. For him to do it on his own, which he’s never gonna do it on his own. Right. 

Todd: Puts you in a very powerless position. Right. As opposed, you know, as opposed to just leading. It feels 

Client: that way, like lead the way before it was just like, ah, waiting for him to do it.

Obviously it’s like a lost battle before you think about it, and now it gives me ideas of how I can help him out. To get maybe a little bit organized. Who knows? Yeah. Maybe he, he is not gonna be fully organized, but he can get a little bit more organized. Hmm. That’s interesting. 

Todd: I mean, I’m assuming he is working with you to get something done, so there might be some ways that you can, you can organize that so that it has a better [00:14:00] chance of getting something done.

Client: Hmm, you’re right.

Yeah. That makes sense. And I can do that by suggesting things instead of waiting for him to lead the way. 

Todd: Hmm. 

Client: Like not being all over the place. 

Todd: Right. Yeah. I want me to be more organized with him. I love it. Okay, so any other turnaround? Want him to be more, to be organized?

Client: Hmm.

I don’t want myself to be organized. 

Todd: That’s kind of a double turnaround, like a kind of, almost a spin there where you turning around two things at the same time. Just try. I want me to be organized. [00:15:00] 

Client: I want me to be organized,

but I was, I was actually thinking like, I don’t want me to be organized in the sense that like if I, if I don’t have that pressure on me of being organized and like, I give myself that freedom of not being organized. Mm-hmm. Actually that thought is not gonna be there. ’cause like we’re gonna be on the same page.

Todd: Mm-hmm. You know, 

Client: like, 

Todd: yeah, I do see that. Right. Like take the pressure off. Right. What if I didn’t have to be organized in order to be doing a good job here, then I can relax. 

Client: Exactly.

Yeah. And just thinking about it, it is like, whew. Dropping some weight. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. Can just show up. And doesn’t have to be perfectly [00:16:00] organized. Doesn’t have to be super productive. 

Client: Right. Just accept it for what it is. Hmm. And we could do a lot or we could not do much. And that’s okay. Yeah.

Thank you. That’s really good. 

Todd: That’s really good. Reminds me when I first started doing the work 1 0 1 and I was wanting people to do everything and get the most out of the course and really, you know, dive in deep and. Some people did and some people didn’t. And the ones who didn’t, I used to get stressed about like, I want them to get organized.

I want them to just, and I can remember this kind of work, like just freeing me like, oh yeah, what if they just come and get what they need to get and that’s enough? And it’s [00:17:00] not a hundred percent, but it’s. Not nothing either, and they have their own way, and I just kind of let them be and took a lot of weight off of my shoulders.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So you know when I said that original, that that turnaround sounded like a spin. The true test of that is. Does it lead me away from myself and my own peace and my own, um, self responsibility? Or does it bring me back to myself and back to self responsibility and taking care of myself? And so even though that was turning around two things at the same time, you know, I don’t want me to be organized.

And it sounds like a spin, but the way you held it. Was, it didn’t feel like a spin. So it wasn’t a spin. It, it was the way you held it, the way you found your [00:18:00] example, brought you back into, um, a more peaceful place and a more a place of seeing like where you’re more in your own business rather than in, in his business where you’re letting go of his, the need to control him.

So, so even though it looked technically like a spin wasn’t actually a spin, that’s, that’s the, the bottom line. 

Client: Hmm. 

Todd: And the other turnaround can also be true. I want me to be organized. Yeah. So like that’s what I do. Right? Let me be organized, let him be disorganized and where’s the problem.

Client: Right. And find that balance. Like would you mention that symbiosis thing is like if you have the same. Like if you’re creating a recipe and you have the same ingredients, it’s not gonna taste any different. It’s always gonna taste the same. But if you have different ones, something different is [00:19:00] gonna come out of it.

So, 

Todd: yeah. Yeah. That’s the beauty of being around people in situations that I can’t control, that they expose me to things that are are unexpected. You know, I have my little routine, I’m organized. I’m like you, I’m very organized and I can just keep doing that forever. And it’s the same, the same recipe, but when somebody comes in like, and it’s like, seems like from another planet, then it forces me to, um, adjust and rethink my own organization.

And sometimes what comes out of that is better than my, what I would be getting if I was. Just working along at the same pace, so 

Client: that’s great. 

Todd: Cool. 

Client: Thank you. 

Todd: Thank you, Edwin. Yeah. So any questions or [00:20:00] comments on, on that, uh, piece of work? 

Client 2: Uh, I’ll just say that, you know, I’m fairly new to the work, um, and I did a one belief at a time worksheet before this session.

Um, and even though different situation, I was just reliving my situation as you talked about yours, even though it was very different, I realized I had expectations about a relationship with my son and it was almost like a post-it note that, you know, I wanna be closer to him. You know, or I want him to be organized with me.

And every time I encountered him, there’s that post-it note and just going through the process with you, I was feeling the weight drop. That if I didn’t have that expectation, I would just let it be what it, it is what it is. Because I can’t control him. I can’t organize him, I can’t make him, you know, show me love and be closer.

Um. He is who [00:21:00] he is. But, um, just that stress, um, of that thought is, was affecting every time he walked into the room. Um, so it just really helped me, Edwin, and even though it was a different situation to realize that I had attached that thought to my whole experience, and detaching from that thought just opens up the experience to be a little more positive and hopeful.

So, so thank you. 

Todd: Yeah. Thanks for sharing that. Yeah, that, that expectation, right, whether it’s for someone to be organized or someone to reply, or someone to engage or whatever it is that I’m expecting or wanting from them, I can’t control it. I can try to manipulate, but it’s only gonna go so far. And so I really can’t control another person’s behavior.

Or the way they think, or the way they act, or the way they are. [00:22:00] So this is where this, this work comes in handy, right? Because it’s, it’s like, who would I be without that thought that I need to control them or I need to change them, or I need them to engage, or I need them to be organized. And it frees me up, it brings me back to, to what I can control, which is my own world, my own.

My own side of things and, and that’s very empowering. It’s very freeing. This is what, what, you know, this is why Byron Katie’s book is called Loving What is Right. It’s like, how can I, if I’m arguing with the way things are and then I stop arguing, if I just notice that doesn’t work for me and I come back to, okay, things are okay the way they are, then.

I’m able to, um, experience the same situation without so much stress. If you would like to participate in open sessions [00:23:00] like this one, go to the work as meditation.com and then open sessions and you can see the up upcoming schedule and sign up. You’ll be even able to see the times in your time zone. So next I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles.

This is the one from last week and it’s called Two Engines on the Peace Train.

The same tracks are easier to travel when you have two engines on the train. If you’re interested in peace, meditation can be a friend most of the time. In this blog, I focus on the work of Byron Katie as a meditation practice. I discovered the work in 2006 and I fell in love with it right away. Its ability to shift my experience of a situation from stress to peace is amazing.

But in 2006 when I started this, uh, practice of the work of Byron [00:24:00] Katie, I was not new to meditation. In fact, I had been practicing transcendental meditation or TM since 1976. Uh, and I learned when I was six years old. So. Today what I’d like to do is share a little bit more about this other practice of meditation that I have been enjoying for many decades.

And this is what I’m saying. I’m calling the second engine on my peace train. Like the work TM is a simple, elegant practice. When I learned tm, I learned the children’s technique at age six, which is done with the eyes open, walking around. And when I got older, I began practicing it, uh, 20 minutes a day, sitting comfortably with my eyes closed.

I. And then for the past 30 years, I’ve practiced the advanced TM City program for about an hour and a half, twice a day. And there have been times in my [00:25:00] life when I was doing more than that sometimes, uh, it, it has, has varied a little bit, but it’s always been a big part of my day. During the practice of transcendental meditation, what happens is my mind starts to settle down.

Um, it’s very, it’s a relaxing technique. Um, and my body in that relaxed state tends to experience a profound level of rest. Everything starts to become quieter and, um. What happens is the deeper rooted stresses in the body and um, in, in the physiology start to loosen and get released. And then when I come out of meditation, my mind is often much clearer and, uh, I feel more energetic and creative, and my emotions feel much lighter.

It’s a very expansive feeling. I, I feel like my heart expands when I do this practice. So this [00:26:00] experience of peace from the meditation, um, supports me for many hours afterwards, and it seems to be a cumulative thing over the years. So when I look back at, uh, my high school and college days, um, I find that those years were not so emotionally challenging for me.

Certainly I had challenges, but I always felt like I had an even keel. And I attribute this to the daily practice of tm. I felt emotionally good inside most of the time because of my meditation. And when stress did build up, I was able to dissipate it pretty quickly as I continued my regular practice. I also never felt any desire to drink alcohol.

Um, in fact, I’ve never had more than a sip of alcohol in my life. Yet I had as much fun or more so than my friends, and I was always the designated driver and, um, you know, didn’t have a problem with people drinking. I just wasn’t [00:27:00] interested. And I also connect that somehow with this practice of TM that I was doing, I, I felt good inside.

Um, and I didn’t want to color that or, or change that in any way, um, by drinking alcohol. So. That, that was kind of a little side benefit of this practice for me. So then in my twenties, um, I. Became a part of the TM organization and I studied and practiced TM in larger groups, um, sometimes up to 1600 people at a time.

And that was an amazing experience to be meditating. In fact, some temporary groups I was with were like, um, three or 4,000 people at a time. And the experience when you’re meditating with that many people, it’s like. Your mind just really settles down. Um, your, your, your awareness expands in a way that is very powerful to experience.[00:28:00] 

It’s like my mind had no resistance to slipping into that inner quietness of meditation and those large group meditations or some of the fondest memories of my life. So, you know, during that time I also went and, um, and lived basically in an ashram for about four years and did long meditations and kind of thought that was the way my life was going to go for, for the long haul.

Um. So the next interesting phase here is learning to integrate my experience. Um, if you know me, you may know that I tend to be a kind of all or nothing kind of guy. So when I focused on meditation in my twenties, that was pretty much all I focused on, and I still had a lot to learn about taking care of my health, my finances, my relationships, basically integrating with the world.

What I got from meditation was an experience [00:29:00] of self-sufficiency. Um, I could be happy with almost nothing because I was learning to access a, a kind of inner fulfillment. Um, but I, at the same time as that inner fulfillment was growing, I wasn’t. Exercising my worldly muscles as much and they came, became a little weaker.

Um, so luckily life has a way of balancing things. And when my grandmother needed support, I left the ashram ashram and began work as a photographer. Um, I also began my relationship with my current partner, and from him I learned about the work of Byron Katie. And the work has helped me integrate the piece of meditation into, uh, my daily life more fully just living helps me integrate, but then the work has like, adds another special addition to my ability to integrate.

So now I have two ways to [00:30:00] come back home to myself. One is through my TM practice and the other is through doing the work. Um. Here, if you think about them, they’re really just two different approaches for moving inward. TM provides a way to quiet the mind without dealing with the specifics of what are stressing me.

I just close my eyes and settle inward and, um, practice this simple. The simple meditation practice. I’m not focused on a stressful situation or trying to deal with any kind of stress. I’m just closing my eyes and doing the meditation. And then the work on the other hand, allows me to deal with really specific stress points, um, by questioning my thinking about a particular stress.

I compare both practices to bringing light to a darkened room. TM is like slowly turning the light up for the whole [00:31:00] room, and as the light increases, then the shadows shrink and disappear. But until the light is fully bright, some shadows still remain. And the work on the other hand, is like bringing light to one specific corner of the room that still remains in darkness.

So I bring light to a speci specific point of confusion when I’m doing the work and this causes, when I bring the light to that particular area, this light causes the shadow in that area to disappear. So it’s a combination of, of like TM being more of a general approach and sp the work being a more specific approach.

And I find that these are very complimentary. So the results are the same, more peace, more clarity, more energy. I find that from doing the work, I find that from doing my, my transcendental meditation, they’re very, uh, [00:32:00] very aligned. They’re very similar in the results that they give, and they’re very complimentary in the approaches.

By doing the work regularly, I bring less stress to my meditations and can settle into my meditation more easily. And by doing transcendental meditation regularly, I become accustomed to letting go and expanding into, into that inner world. And it makes diving into the work and exploring, uh, a stressful situation with an open mind much easier.

So let’s meditate. I invite you to invite you to join me by adding both engines to your peace train. They have both stood the test of time for me, and I’m grateful to have these two means of expanding peace in me. To learn transcendental meditation, go to tm.org and to learn the work of Byron Katie. You may want to enjoy.

Join one of my, uh. Classes like to work [00:33:00] one-on-one for in-depth training or attend one of my virtual retreats, or, um, attend one of the open sessions that I now offer. Okay, so let’s end this with a quote from Byron Katie, the founder of the work of Byron Katie, and this is her book, uh, a thousand names for Joy.

I live in constant meditation, and if a thought should ever show up as anything less than goodness, I know that it would spill over to other people as confusion and those other people are me. My job is to enlighten myself to that and to love the spent rows, the sound of traffic, the litter on the ground, and the litterer who gives me my world.

So if you’re, if you like, uh, hearing my writings, you can continue hearing [00:34:00] these on the podcast and you can also go over to the work as meditation.com and, um, get the newsletter itself. I send it out usually once a week and, uh, I’m just writing on whatever moves me related to the work of Byron Katie. Um, you can also find open sessions over there where you can sign up and enjoy those live, and you can ask your questions or do the work with me.

And you’ll also find hundreds of articles on the work of Byron Katie at the work as meditation.com, as well as information. About my courses, like the Work 1 0 1 Virtual Retreats Inquiry Circle, which is my ongoing practice group for the work and other programs that I offer. So check all that out and in the meantime, have a wonderful week and we’ll see you next [00:35:00] time.