Why You Feel Like You’re Too Empathetic as a Highly Sensitive Person and What It’s Actually There For

 By the end of this episode, you’ll discover why you can feel like you’re too empathetic as a highly sensitive person and what role that empathy may actually be playing. In this episode, you’ll discover why you can feel like you’re the only one noticing what’s really going on, the important role your empathy may actually be playing, and how to tell the difference between awareness and responsibility.

Welcome to this edition of Self-Compassion Wednesdays, where we dive deeper into understanding ourselves as highly sensitive people by exploring the unique traits that shape our experience. Imagine a situation maybe at work where the boss comes in and says that there’s going to be a deadline that everyone seems to agree on, and except you notice that one person doesn’t seem to be okay with it.

Like maybe they didn’t make any– didn’t say anything, but you’re noticing. And everyone else moves on, but you feel a kind of pressure or stress or something unspoken, something unresolved. This is empathy. This is noticing what’s going on in your environment that may not be overtly discussed but is real nonetheless.

So as a highly sensitive person, you will notice these kinds of things all the time, and it doesn’t just register. It often stays with you. And while others do move on, you can end up still being aware of it, still thinking about it, still feeling it. And on top of that, you may be the only one who noticed it.

And since no one else is saying anything and no one else seems to be affected, it can start to feel like, “Am I the only one who cares about this? Am I the only one even noticing it?” And there’s a subtle sense of being out of sync or of being on a different wavelength, which is so common for us as highly sensitive people, since we only make up about fifteen to twenty percent of the world’s population.

So this can start to build into a kind of stress where it’s not just awareness anymore, but it becomes something that you’re carrying with you, and you can feel it sometimes as a tension in your body or a sense that something’s unresolved. You may feel a pull to go in and do something about it, and you may feel like it’s not your place or you almost wish you hadn’t noticed or wish it wasn’t true.

And so even if you don’t do anything, it can end up lingering in your awareness. And there can be a kind of pressure that builds “Should I check in? Should I say something? Should I help?” And if you don’t, it can feel like you’re ignoring something important, and this can cause a kind of conflict for you internally as well.

So the- these are the stressful reactions that can happen for a highly sensitive person when they are naturally empathetic and seeing something that maybe others are not seeing. And it can go further, because no one else is reacting, then you can turn it inward and you can have thoughts like, “I’m too sensitive,” or that, “I just care too much,” or, “I should just be able to let this go.

It isn’t really even my responsibility.” So you can start berating yourself “Why am I making this a problem?” And there’s a kind of double bind also that if you follow the empathy, then you can risk overstepping and taking on what isn’t yours. But if you ignore it, then that feels wrong, like you’re going against something in yourself.

And so you’re caught between what you’re sensing and what everyone else is doing, and there’s no clear external validation for your experience. So let’s look at why having empathy, even though it can sometimes be stressful in the ways I’ve just mentioned, why having empathy is so valuable, so important in our world.

When you are aware of someone, like that person in the meeting who’s not okay with the deadline and is not saying anything, just being aware of that can lead to things getting addressed earlier. When something’s sensed early, then tension can be noticed before it becomes conflict. Misunderstandings can often be caught before they grow.

So this is the role of this kind of sensitivity. We, as highly sensitive people, naturally notice small misalignments that are, quote unquote, “no big deal,” but actually can lead to a bigger deal. It’s like the o- old analogy of a ship going across the ocean and just… if it’s just one degree off in its course, seems like no big deal, but it could land hundreds of miles north or south of the intended port if it just continues uncorrected.

So high sensitivity notices these things, and sometimes it doesn’t even require doing anything. Sometimes just noticing it and being aware of it, you can also be aware where it naturally corrects itself. Or you may end up saying something But the awareness itself is a, an extreme value in working with any kind of system or any kind of groups or any kind of relationship.

Without that awareness, things tend to build quietly, and then they show up later, often bigger than they intended to be. Another benefit of em-empathy is that people around us feel understood even without words. You may not even say anything to that person who didn’t speak up about the deadline, but I bet just because of your awareness, there will be this kind of s- like just gentle energy between the two of you.

And n-not even having to say anything at all, this is very nourishing and very supportive, and they may feel comfortable to just talk with you or they may just feel your support, that you’re working, walking along the same road as them and it’s not easy, but they’re not alone. This is the value of being empathetic, and it’s a gift that we give to the world.

We create safer environments because of empathy. Because when empathy is present, people tend to be themselves more. They tend l- to be less defensive. They tend to open up more. And even though no one names it, the environment shifts. This is energetic, there is an energy in the room when empathy is present, when awareness is present.

That energy holds the room and can rearrange things on its own even if you say nothing or do nothing. As a result, better decisions often come out of this because when empathy is available, when you are naturally empathetic, then your awareness of the blind spots are, is greater, and your ability to think about what’s really going on and make your own decisions based on that can end up being extremely different than if you just work on the surface level.

Decisions can sometimes look really good on paper but be off in practice. It’s that subtlety of awareness of what’s not being said, which is the natural result of empathy, that allows for more aligned decisions.

So this is an essential quality, and it’s one that is often overlooked, often unseen, often unappreciated, but it is In a way, what holds societies together, relationships together, families together, friendships together, and we have that role of naturally being aware of what’s going on for other people. We don’t necessarily have to do something about it.

Sometimes we naturally will, sometimes we won’t. And so I wanna talk now about the difference between awareness and responsibility. Awareness feels like noticing something. It’s a signal that something’s there. Something is off or something is not right or something is right. It’s a noticing. And so noticing that person who’s, doesn’t seem to be okay with the deadline, that’s awareness, and that right there is empathy, period, done.

Responsibility on the other hand feels like pressure or urgency or I need to do something about this. And that’s a different feeling. That is not… That’s going beyond empathy, and sometimes it’s appropriate, sometimes it’s not appropriate. But taking responsibility when it’s not yours to take feels awkward, feels off, feels stressful.

And that’s what I want you to pay attention to. One is just awareness, noticing, simple and present. The other is got this pressure to perform or do something or fix something or like it’s not okay the way it is. So the other difference is with awareness, you can notice it and still fi- feel like you have a choice.

“Oh should I do something here or not?” Whereas with- when you take on responsibility, it can start to feel like you have to act, you have to fix it. It’s on you. Like you’re already responsible for it, when in fact you may not actually be responsible. Great example of this is other people’s emotions.

We can never be responsible for another person’s emotions. And so it’s easy when you’re empathetic to notice that emotion and then to start thinking like, “Oh, I should be helping them to feel better.” And it’s one thing to be kind, it’s one thing to hold space, it’s one thing to be empathetic in that way, but it’s never actually our responsibility to, to make somebody change into a different kind of emotion.

That’s what they have to do. And so this is where I always talk about that space, that healthy separation between me and another person. Responsibility in this regard means overstepping what is mine and going into someone else’s business- And that’s when it starts to get stressful for us and can get stressful for the other person and can actually get messy as a result.

So another way to tell the difference between awareness and responsibility is that where your attention goes. If your attention stays with what you’re noticing, m- there’s something off, that’s simply awareness. But responsibility moves into what should I say? How should I fix this? What happens if I don’t do that?

And you’ll notice in your body the same kind of awareness. It’s very neutral to be aware of something, even if it’s someone’s having a difficult time. It’s just awareness, just noticing. But if you’re taking on responsibility for it, you’re gonna feel tension and tightness as well. So the real question is just am I just noticing this or am I taking it on?

Is this really mine to handle? Because you can be aware of something without it becoming your responsibility. So the feeling I’m left with today is that empathy, which is a natural quality of being a highly sensitive person, is not always present to the same degree in others. And so you may feel alone in your awareness of what’s going on in different situations.

But that’s not really a problem when you see how just being aware of something, even without doing anything, can actually be a catalyst in any situation. Awareness itself is naturally transforming just by being awareness. As HSPs, we often have a silent, nourishing role to play by simply seeing clearly what is happening beneath the surface.

In this episode, we looked at why you can feel like you’re the only one noticing what’s really going on, and we saw that it’s because there’s no validation coming from outside, and so this can lead to self-doubt or wondering, “Should I do something?” And of course, sometimes it’s appropriate to do something.

Sometimes it’s not. We also looked at the important role your empathy may be actually playing, and that is it creates a kind of safe space for the whole environment, for the person that is being affected. It allows you to be aware of things so that if they continue uncorrected, you can step in and ask for correction, take some corrective action.

or correct yourself. This is a gentle role that we play as HSPs, being aware of the subtlety and catching things before they become too overblown or have bigger consequences. And finally, we looked at how to tell the difference between awareness and responsibility. Awareness, whether it’s empathy or any other awareness, is always a neutral feeling.

It’s oh, okay, that person’s having a hard time. Oh, that person doesn’t look like they’re going to be comfortable with this deadline. And there’s questions that come with it. I wonder what’s going on. It’s just very curious and open. Whereas responsibility comes with a feeling of pressure.

I’m responsible. I have to do something. I need to fix this. And there’s an urge to jump in right away. And, or there could be a fear of jumping in, but still the urge is there. And this is where we can get over-responsible when it’s not actually our responsibility, like trying to change someone’s emotions.

So thank you for listening. It’s always great to explore with you. This program comes out three times a week on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Join me next time for Strategy Fridays, where we think about specific things you can do to help manage stress as a highly sensitive person.