The Hidden Reason Highly Sensitive People Feel Trapped When Others Need Them

 By the end of this episode, you’ll understand why highly sensitive people can start feeling trapped when others need them, and what becomes possible when you begin separating love from responsibility. In this episode, you’ll discover why highly sensitive people can start feeling trapped when someone needs them, what happens when caring quietly turns into responsibility, and how relationships can begin feeling lighter when you stop carrying responsibilities that were never yours.

This is an edition of Breakthrough Mondays, where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the path towards inner freedom. Imagine for a moment what it feels like when someone asks you for your help Or when your partner starts leaning on you a little bit more than usual, or maybe a friend is going through a difficult time and they need your attention more.

Or maybe it’s a parent who needs increasing support at this time, or even just a client or a coworker that begins to depend on you more. Notice what happens inside of you. At first, you may have a feeling of happiness, like you’re happy to help. I love to help. This is part of being empathetic. We love to support others.

We love to connect with others. We love to be useful, to have a purpose. All of those things align with us. But you may also notice that a certain anxiety may also start to come up inside of you, which is worried about, how much is this gonna take of me? Like, how far is this gonna go? And you mates– you might actually even start getting some fear inside of being trapped, and you may worry that you’re going to lose yourself as this goes further and further.

You may find yourself retreating a little bit, craving that personal space. And even if you’re going– if you’ve been into it for a while, you may start to fantasize about escaping and just wanting to get back to yourself again. Then what can happen is you can start to feel guilty because, after all, these are people that you genuinely care about.

And so you can start almost a s-self-doubting or attacking yourself for even wanting space. Isn’t that selfish? Am I doing something wrong here? And so this can be a point of confusion for highly sensitive people. Like, why do we feel this way? Why does someone needing me feel so overwhelming?

And it’s something that we all have to work with in some way or another as highly sensitive people. Sometimes it shows up for me where I’m starting to think about maybe- Just a budding friendship is beginning, and then I’m like, “Oh, maybe not,” that’s too much. I might be, it may not be what I actually want because the feeling is that I’m gonna be ending up taking over and doing more than I need or want to do.

So this is how this kind of experience can influence us as highly sensitive people. It’s not necessarily a part of being a highly sensitive person, but it’s where we go out of balance quite easily, and so that’s what we talk a lot, about a lot on this podcast, is stress management for highly sensitive people.

As a highly sensitive person, you care about other people. It’s natural. It’s built into you. You are naturally a caring person. You wanna be supportive, and you don’t want to become distant with someone. It’s our nature as HSPs to want connection. We cherish connection. We love it. So it’s confusing when this other fear comes in and this anxiety, which also is based on our own nature as well.

What is the balance point there? And it can be frustrating as well because maybe you’ve worked on boundaries and maybe you’ve learned how to say no in different ways, or you’ve read books on people pleasing and that kind of thing, and maybe you’ve studied deeply the HSP trait, which can be very freeing to understand how we are wired as sensitive people.

Yet the same feeling can keep on returning again and again. Someone needs you, and then your nervous system starts to tighten a little bit because even though we understand that boundaries are important or that this could be people pleasing or these kinds of things, it’s not enough to understand it to actually have your nervous system act in a way spontaneously that is free or that is stress-free.

So when we look at what’s actually going on here, the hidden, hidden pattern isn’t just people needing you. The pattern is that your mind quietly is turning someone else’s needs into your responsibility. And this is an unconscious kind of progression. You’ll see a need or someone ask you, and you’re aware of that, and then the thought comes in that I should help.

And so you do. And then what happens is that your wellbeing becomes… I’m sorry, their wellbeing becomes partly your responsibility. You start taking it on. And then you wanna do things well, so you wanna make sure that they’re okay, and you can end up feeling like you’re carrying a lot of responsibility for the other person.

And this is where helping quietly can become carrying So what keeps this going is that once your mind assumes responsibility, it naturally starts monitoring, and it starts anticipating, and it starts thinking about problems that could be coming up and trying to prevent those. And you may be also worried about avoiding disappointment.

“I’ve given this much, I can’t let them down now.” And you may be wanting to manage their emotions more. You may be thinking ahead because that’s what we’re designed to do as HSPs, to think ahead, plan, to avoid problems. That’s where we excel. And so we start using our skills to do that very thing for the other person.

Of course, they may love it and we may be of real service, but what’s the problem is that we get caught in this loop of trying to help them. And so we’re thinking about them more than we might n- normally want to. And we may be trying to solve their problems more than we may want to. And so this can give us a place, a kind of situation where it’s hard for us to turn off.

We c- it’s hard for us to relax. It’s hard for us to be ourselves, and that’s the problem here. It’s all about balance. And when I give more than I actually have to give, then that creates stress in me, and it’s ultimately not sustainable. Over time, what can happen is that relationships start to feel heavier.

You start to crave more alone time, and resentment can quietly start to build. I think of resentment as the little feedback mechanism inside of us, emotional feedback mechanism, that lets me know when I’ve given more than I actually want to give. When I feel resentment, it’s a sign I’ve given more than I actually wanted to give.

And so this is something to pay attention to. So you may find yourself pulling away. You may find yourself wanting to avoid deeper commitments. You maybe start to be afraid of commitments if this goes far enough. And you may also start to question whether there’s something wrong with you So it can start feeling as though loving people costs too much, or that your life no longer belongs to you, and that’s not a peaceful experience So under this are some beliefs.

The beliefs in the mind, what the mind is believing consciously or unconsciously is what sets it up. What you believe is what that’s the… That’s really what happens. So these beliefs sitting in here are what can cause this to perpetuate. Beliefs like, “If someone needs me, then I’m responsible.”

No distance, no separation no discrimination. Just if someone needs me, I’m responsible. I know I grew up with that thought, and it still comes in from time to time, and it’s one that’s worth questioning. Or a thought, “If I love someone, then I should take care of them.” It sounds like such a kind thought, but it also can be a little bit leading to a lack of balance, and so it’s worth checking out.

It’s worth exploring whether these beliefs are actually solid or not. Or thoughts like, “Good people don’t let others struggle.” This is a very guilt-producing kind of thought. Or, “If I don’t help enough, then I’m failing them. If they’re suffering, I should be doing more.” This is that guilt, that push to try to do something to…

A- and it’s a good thing. Wanting to help people is a good thing, but we’re talking about balance. If we go too far with this, it can mean that we’re taking care of them and we’re not taking care of ourselves. And not only is it not sustainable, but it actually can end up blowing up. You can actually end up being…

That resentment can explode at some point, or you can end up just turning away completely from someone, and these are the results of not questioning these kinds of beliefs. Underneath this is a kind of stuck part inside of us that is fearful, and that part is the part that acts spontaneously regardless of whether you’ve read a million books or know the most important ways to say no.

You may have all the strategies in the world, all the techniques in the world, all the understanding in the world, but if that fearful, stressed part, emotional part inside is still there, still believing some things, then it’s gonna overrule everything. And that part believes things like, “I might be abandoned,” right?

“They could abandon me,” or, “They’ll think I don’t care if I don’t… if I’m not there for them,” or, “I’m going to end up disappointing them and they’re gonna think I’m selfish.” Or they’ll, they’re going to reject me. I’ll lose the relationship, and it means that I’m a bad person. So this little innocent part in you that is believing these kinds of thoughts will take over and run your life.

It just takes right over, and this is what we mean by unquestioned thoughts directing your life. You can have… You can be the smartest person in the world, and this one little quiet, emotional part that thinks that they’re gonna reject me will absolutely rule your life and take over unless you begin to question it and explore.

And what’s important when I say explore and question is that you can’t do this from the top down. You can’t have the intellect the kind of cerebral mind directing this emotional part to quote-unquote, get over it. You have to s-slow it down and get down to the actual emotional part and sit with it like it’s a child or like it’s a baby or like it’s an animal or something very primal.

And you have to sit with it, and you have to encourage it to question these thoughts, like to actually let it do the inner work. And when that happens, if it sees something differently, then things start to change. Then the heart starts to open up, and it sees new ways of being around people who need things.

So understanding the pattern is not the same as becoming free of it. Most people already know that they over-function. Most highly sensitive people know when they over-give or when they take on too much responsibility. But freedom begins when the fearful part starts discovering something new itself. Not just more intellectual knowledge, but it’s like a self-discovery.

When that happens, then the shift becomes real. That’s when life starts to change, and that’s what this kind of inner work is really for. So this really isn’t a relationship problem in a way when people need things from us. It’s not even a boundaries problem or a compassion problem. What’s actually happening is a fearful kind of stuck part of us has learned to equate being needed with becoming responsible.

So the trap isn’t love. The trap isn’t caring. The trap is believing that you have to carry what isn’t yours. Many people I work with already understand this pattern. They know that they over-function. They know they take on too much responsibility. But insight alone rarely creates freedom. In our work together, we slow the moment down.

We look at specific moments, specific situations, and we meet that fearful part inside, that cl- that part is, that’s emotional and stuck, and we get into conversation with it. We start to discover what it’s protecting. We start to invite it to question what it believes. And then when that starts to happen, then something often begins to soften, and that’s when you can be around needy people.

You can have needs presented to you, and you can also find a very balanced way of giving how much you feel is right to give and not overgiving at the same time. So if you’d like to explore this kind of work together, then go to my website, trueinnerfreedom.com/working-together, and you can read a little bit about how I work with clients, and you can set up a time to chat with me.

I’d be happy to talk about your particular situation.