Afraid to Ask for What You Want? A Guided Meditation for Highly Sensitive People

By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to ask for what you want with less fear.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover how to find an underlying belief to question that stops you from asking for what you want, what causes courage to be eroded when asking for what you want, and how to get in touch with the source of courage within yourself as you ask for what you want. This is an edition of Guided Meditation Mondays, where I’ll be guiding you to do the work of Byron Katie as you listen.

And Let’s start by looking for a situation where you wanted to ask for something that you wanted, but you were afraid that the other person might resist, not like it, be critical, something like that. Whenever we’re doing this work, it’s really good to find a specific situation, something that actually happened to you, as a reference point, so that you can stand in that situation and answer the questions from there.

So take a second, see if you can find something. Sometime when you wanted to ask for what you wanted and you felt like it wasn’t going to go so well and so you resisted doing that. For example, I can give you an example for me is when we first started training our dog two, two and a half years ago I learned from trainers that a dog, should stay sitting until released.

And I wanted to start training him in that way. But my partner didn’t really see the importance of that. He hadn’t watched the same videos, hadn’t talked to the same teachers. And so I was hesitant to say anything, to stand up and say, no, this is the way I’ve learned. Let’s do that. Because I was worried that he was going to think I’m too picky or that I’m being controlling.

And in the end, I didn’t end up saying anything about this until much later because of that fear. See if you can find a situation like that, where you wanted to say something, but you didn’t. Or you were afraid of what the other person was going to think if you did. You wanted to ask for something that you wanted, but you were afraid they wouldn’t like it.

Feel free to pause the recording if you need more time to look for a situation, but finding a specific time. It will be super helpful as you do this work. So let’s question the thought, they won’t like it if I ask for what I want. Be in your situation, I’m going to be there watching, my partner as I want to tell him to keep the dog, let’s keep him training him this way, and I’m not saying anything.

They won’t like it if you ask for what you want. Is it true?

We’re looking for a yes or a no here. Is it true they won’t like it? What’s your, what do you see? What do you feel?

I’m going to go with a yes.

So if your answer is also a yes, then we’ll continue to question two. If your answer is no, you can skip this question. Can you absolutely know it’s true? They won’t like it if you ask for what you want.

Again, yes or no.

And I’m finding a no here. This question opens me up a little bit, makes me reconsider. I’m not sure. That he wouldn’t like it. So where does yours land? Remember, be honest. There’s no right answers here, just honest answers.

So the next question is, how do you react? What happens when you think that they won’t like it if you ask for what you want? What happened to you?

I immediately see an image of my partner’s face frowning or disapproving,

and I attach emotion to that. I don’t want that. I can feel it. It feels stressful. Oh. I want to cringe or become small.

How do you react when you think they won’t like it if you ask for what you want?

I don’t ask. Very simple. I become quiet. I become mute. I’m intimidated.

I don’t even give my partner a chance. It’s an interesting reaction. Like, how do you treat the other person? In my case, I don’t even give him a chance.

I’m so sure I know how he’ll react, so I just don’t even begin. And how do you treat yourself when you think they won’t like it if you ask for what you want?

I’m making myself small. I’m making myself unimportant. I’m treating myself like a second class citizen.

And I’m not giving my partner the benefit of the doubt. That they might understand or even be enthusiastic about it.

I treat myself like I’m not any good at explaining, or that I might not be able to convince or share our enthusiasm for what I’ve learned.

I become secretive.

There’s a separation between my world and his world.

And then I become resentful,

blaming him that the training isn’t working. I really did carry that for quite a while.

I don’t take on the responsibility. That’s who I am. When I’m thinking he won’t like it if I ask for what I want, giving him all the responsibility and taking none of it. And then feeling like a victim as a result.

Who would you be without the thought? Imagine you’re in your same situation, exactly as it was, but who would you be if you didn’t have any thought that the other person wouldn’t like it if you asked for what you want? Who would you be?

I would be more relaxed. I noticed a breath just came in as soon as I asked that question.

What do you see? Look around in your situation. If you’re not thinking, They won’t like it if I ask for what I want. What do you see when you look at the other person?

I see an open book. I don’t know. No idea.

I see someone potentially receptive.

I see someone who likes learning.

And I see someone who respects me, and even if he doesn’t fully understand, it might go along.

Without the thought, he won’t like it if I ask for what I want, I feel encouraged. I feel like, maybe I’ll just say it, and then we can talk about it together.

Interestingly, I’m including him in the decision making. I’m not just flipping from either I’m fully in control, Or he’s fully in control. I’m in this place of here’s what I’ve learned. This is what I think. What do you think? Let’s see if we can figure it out together. Feels joining. Feels really good.

That’s who I would be without the thought he won’t like it if I ask for what I want. So who would you be in your situation without that thought?

So this shows the effect of the thought. With the thought, they won’t like it if I ask for what I want. I’m stressed. I’m isolating myself, closed down, and I think I know what my partner will do. And without the thought, I’m engaged, I’m connected, I’m relaxed, and it’s more of a we than a me versus him.

So if this is the effect of the thought, Let’s try turning the thought around and seeing if there could be more truth in the opposites of this thought than in the original state. So a turnaround could be, they will like it if I ask for what I want. So how’s that possible? How’s it possible they will like it more than you’re imagining?

In my case, I know my partner likes learning things, and so if it comes, if the learning comes from me, great.

Also, I think I have a tendency to sell myself short and to explain things to my partner really quickly just to try to get them over with because I know in my mind they’re always not going to like it anyway. But, it’s possible he would like it if I would explain it a little better.

That feels empowering, because it means that I have a little bit of say in that, I have a little bit of choice there.

So how else is it possible that they would like it if you asked for what you want?

I remember one time my partner years ago said, I want you to just be selfish sometime. It was hard. I can’t say I’m still that great at it. What I’m saying, the reason I’m saying this, is that I think he actually would like that. He wants to know where I am. He’d like to know where’s my location. What am I interested in?

What am I excited about? What are my opinions? And in this case, with training the dog, I have an opinion. I am enthusiastic about it. I think it’ll work. And I’d like to try it. And what if I just shared that enthusiasm and brought it up? I have a feeling he would like it. He’d be like, who is this person? I don’t know you, but it might be cool.

How else in your situation is it possible? They would like it possible. Even if you asked for what you wanted,

there’s something courageous about asking for what you want. And even if they say no, or don’t like the content, they may still respect you or me for sharing so openly and honestly.

So let’s look at another turnaround. These turnarounds are just different ways of looking at the same situation and exploring opposites. Because we saw the original statement was quite stressful. So another turnaround would be, I won’t like it if I ask for what I want. So how could that be as true or maybe truer?

Maybe that’s what’s going on, rather than they won’t like it. What do you find there?

For me, that vulnerability, that need to be courageous, that’s scary for me. So I’d rather just stay safe, imagine what my partner will think, and that he won’t like it, and then just stay safe and not share. I won’t like it. If I ask for what I want, I won’t like that either. scary feeling.

And I’m imagining that my partner is going to reject me or gonna shut me down or be disapproving. I won’t like it. I’m imagining that rejection and I’m already not liking it.

So this is me. It’s truer probably that I’m imagining more rejection than will actually happen.

And even if my partner rejects something, He can actually be convinced to change his mind but yeah, me, I don’t want to go there, right? So I won’t like it if I ask what I want.

I think that’s truer than he won’t like it. I’m more scared of it than it actually deserves.

So how about you? How is it that you won’t like it? How could it be truer than you won’t like it if you ask for what you want, as opposed to they won’t like it if you ask for what you want?

Where does it push you out of your comfort zone?

Where does it push you out of control?

I do really well solo, but it’s harder when I’m in a partnership because I’m not the only one. Driving the bus. So for me, that’s another place where I don’t, I won’t like it if I ask for what I want because I’m opening up the little control that I have within my closed little self and saying, Hey, what do you think?

And involving the other person. I don’t, I won’t like giving up control.

And there may be other turnarounds. I won’t like it they ask for what they want. I think that touches on the same kind of thing, like that control feeling. I want it to, I want it to do it my way. I know my way is the best. I’m attached to it. So again, opening up to the other person having a say can be part of what’s going on here, what’s making it stressful.

Rather than, they won’t like it. It’s I won’t like it if I don’t get what I want. I won’t like it even opening up that possibility. So these turnarounds just balance it. And just look at different sides of this. The stress may be coming from many different sides, not just necessarily the one that you originally started with.

That they won’t like it if I ask for what I want. They may actually like it. And I may be the one that’s not liking it. In this episode, we looked at how to find an underlying belief to question that stops you from asking for what you want. And the first step is first to find a situation where you noticed that you weren’t asking for what you wanted, and then noticed why.

Usually there’s someone involved that you’re afraid won’t like it, or something like that. And so we landed on the thought, they won’t like it if I ask for what I want. Then we looked at what causes courage to be eroded when asking for what you want. And this happens because we’ve gotten out of touch with ourselves and we’re looking for someone else’s approval or we’re fearing their disapproval.

And then we finally looked at how to get in touch with the source of courage within yourself as you ask for what you want. And that comes from looking at What you want as valuable as something that is worth something that is equally important as what someone else wants. And sometimes seeing that they may not be against you.

There’s one more turnaround, which I didn’t notice until just now, which is I will like it if I ask for what I want. So this really balances out the idea that they won’t like it. If I ask for what I want, it’s wait a minute, I also count here and I’m, I will like it if I ask for what I want. So you can continue playing with this.

There may be other turnarounds as well, but the idea is it brings the focus back towards something inside of me instead of something outside of me. So thanks for listening and thanks for doing the work along with me. I look forward to more sessions. And until next time, have a great rest of your day