Birthdays and Disappointment: Inner Work for Highly Sensitive People

By the end of this session, you’ll discover a new way to listen to your emotional self and work with that emotion. Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a certified facilitator of the work of Byron Katie. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.mine is about my birthday, which is tomorrow. 

And, I basically just feel like nobody celebrates my birthday. Todd, and I don’t know if anyone else was here when I worked a while ago, but on my issue, on my work with Byron Keady and I was like, Oh, I didn’t want to show that really petty part of myself, but today I’m just going to do it.Yeah. Really? So I like the caveat is I know how this sounds and I’m just still going to do it. I just feel like. Nobody makes a big deal of my birthday. It makes me so mad and I’m so, so to work on, I guess is just like people should, I think it’s that people should care because it’s kind of easy for me to question, nobody cares cause I’ll find people who, who care, but it’s kind of like not enough people care.

People don’t care enough. People should care more. My birthday shouldn’t be a bigger deal. So I’m kind of being a bit selfish with this. It’s like, well, I’ve got to make it about me, even if Ada has something important, like I want my birthday. So that’s me, Todd and everybody today. I love it. I love that you’re bringing this and I love the, you know, the just honesty of it, because I think there’s a piece of it. 

I can certainly relate. And I think probably in most of us, there’s a piece of that there. So. Let’s do the work. so you said a few different things, you know, nobody celebrates my birthday. People should care. People don’t care enough. There’s probably others I didn’t get down. What is the statement that feels closest to you to do the work on?people don’t care enough. People don’t care enough. Okay, great. So is that true? People don’t care enough about your birthday. Yes. And can you absolutely know it’s true? They don’t care enough. No. 

So how do you react? What happens when you believe that people don’t care enough about your birthday? I, I, feel so sad and I feel so angry and I feel like also trapped because it’s like, it’s like the, the time I want to be like, can everybody please just care about me?Like, and it’s, I can’t because everybody has birthdays every day. Lots of people have birthdays. It can’t just be about me and, but I still want it to be. 

And so I see my past birthdays and I inventory who came and who didn’t come. And there’s always someone that didn’t come and didn’t, didn’t have a good reason for not coming. And I see a future and I see like, I, I can never have a birthday party because no one ever comes. All this stuff comes up about summer and. I’m not, I don’t have the birthday. I like, I see the, I didn’t get a birthday during the school. So, so, so stupid, but didn’t get a birthday during the school year.Everybody’s always away. Nobody ever wants to come. Nobody wants to interrupt their summer. Like, it’s just like, just nobody is the word flashing in my mind. 

And also that so selfish, so petty me, like training myself so juvenile and embarrassing. I’m away right now. I’m alone right now. I came up to this cottage. It wasn’t to avoid my birthday, but partially it’s like, screw all of you. You don’t even care. I’m going to leave. 

and I treat my family like they, they want to do stuff for my birthday, but I treat them like they’re not good enough It’s kind of like friends that I’m imagining, like, so my family doesn’t count and only my friends count. And I also compare a lot of comparison to all the people who have these great birthday parties and, and then last thing is just kind of like, it means something like people not celebrating my birthday. It’s just like It’s like, it’s just like, that’s the symbol that shows that people don’t care about me because other people have these great parties and. It never happens for me and it’s just cause I, I just don’t matter as much as other people. 

So I, I have a lot of baggage and it’s, it can’t let in any of the good stuff and it’s just sad and heavy.How about in your body? Do you notice any, any sensation there? I think mostly it’s just like a hardening. Like, I don’t, I don’t want to feel it. So it’s just like a heavy, stiff, like, well, let’s get through this birthday until it’s over and all the disappointment and everything has happened. 

And then, okay, it’s over for another year. So it’s just sort of like heavy and hard. And. I’m just trying to get through it. Okay. So, who would you be without this thought? People don’t care enough about your birthday. Who would you be as your birthday comes up tomorrow? Who would you be without this thought that people don’t care enough about your birthday? I think I would see. Just genuinely see that everybody’s in part rednecks. Like, it’s really not personal.I think I sort of noticed. I think. 

Like, without a thought, I can go and see the other stuff, and there’s like, so, like, shame, like, other people can see that nobody cares, like, I can see, like, it’s like, okay, if I, if I don’t believe that, I can see the other thing that I believe, but it’s so embarrassing. So I could see other beliefs running, like as if it mattered how, how I looked to other people. 

Yeah. It’s important to see. Yeah. It’s not always like without the thought, it’s just complete freedom. Sometimes it’s, Oh, I see that there’s another thought. Without this big thought, I see, you know, peel the layer, there’s another thought underneath it. So like,who will you be tomorrow on your birthday? Alone at the cottage without the thought that people don’t care enough about your birthday. 

I think I could feel just gratitude for being here, being alive. That’s beautiful here in the wind. And, it’s like, it feels bigger, a party or the number of people who call or the thought just feels like it’s okay. And I guess I feel like that song, I can cry if I want to. 

It’s like, I could cry all day. If I want to do right, let’s say at the end of the day, not too many people called, who would you be, even if that happens, if you don’t have this belief that because they didn’t call that they don’t care enough about you, just everything is fine, I’m say, I’m in a place that I love,I see all the different people in my life, just sort of like a quiet, Just like a quiet gratitude for being here and I guess an openness to like, let’s just this isn’t the only day of my life. 

And let’s just check out all this different stuff if I want to, like, maybe this is like a whole bunch of birthday presents. Each person who didn’t call or whatever could be a birthday present to, open and check out. Because I feel like I would probably see a lot of nice stuff if I. 

If I looked at that and if I looked at the other beliefs associated with it, so just sort of like quiet, calm, lots of time, lots of space, it doesn’t all have to happen today.And what do you see when you look at your different friends and people who know you without the story that they don’t care enough about your birthday? I, one thing I see is them trying. And, I mean, I love my friends. 

And I see, I remember once I had, I had one party for like a, I see, I see this party that I had like a shower, baby shower and everybody was there and all of a sudden the middle party, I was like, okay, I don’t need this at all. I don’t know. Now I know I don’t need this. Wasn’t a bad feeling. It was just like, I don’t need this. So I kind of without the thought, it’s like, remember that I don’t need it. I don’t need it. 

Yeah. what’s that feel like on the feeling level? Yeah, very, very relaxing. Just let everybody go and don’t need this sort of like way of measurement or proof or status. All of those things that belief represents. It’s like very relaxing to be free of that. So that’s who you are until you actually are without this thought that. People don’t care enough when that thought comes in, then it’s like you leave who you are and get caught in that story. 

And then you’ve already experienced what happens. So that thought is so powerful, carry you away from yourself and without it, you’re back home. You’re back who you are now. So how would you turn the thought around? People don’t care enough about my birthday. I don’t care enough about other people’s birthday. Okay, soit’s what I’m kind of seeing is I often I’m like, what do you want to do for your birthday? 

but it’s cuz I really want to be part of it like there Like I, it’s like I care about people’s birthday, but a lot of that is me, like my sort of ego drive like to be included in their celebration. So my mind uses that as evidence that I care about people’s birthday and they don’t care about mine.Yeah. But actually what I’m wanting is for them to prove that I matter to them. 

So they include me in their birthday. Interesting. So yeah, I see that it’s like, I don’t care what other people’s birthday. And also, like I think I, I definitely, don’t. Like, I’m like, well, for my kids, it’s like, okay, well, can we celebrate your birthday on this day? And like, that day is not convenient, can we do it on this day? So I definitely manage my schedule around people’s birth, other people’s birthdays, so that my schedule sort of is, is paramount to it.Yeah. 

Like, what would it look like to really care about, different people’s birthdays? What would it look like? What would you do? Is there anything different you would do? What are your options? Yeah. Yeah, I like to think about that, you know, to just notice that they’re in my life, you know, maybe do some work on them. If there’s any things I think about them pretty much, there’s things I think about everybody. So that could be like a birthing gift for both of us to really celebrate them and see more of the real them and to reach out like consciously. 

if I’m sending them a birthday text and it’s just like, Oh, happy birthday, just to get done, like to kind of take a breath and be like, this is what I can do.And I’m doing it. Like I’m really doing it. Just be more conscious about that person’s birthday and really genuinely caring about it for them. 

And even doing the work on that I need them to include me. In their birthday as well. Yeah, yeah, these are powerful living turnaround options here that can just turn it around to giving like that kind of caring about someone else’s birthday to others. 

And it would be interesting if you experiment with it to notice, what the experience is for you in doing that. it could be fulfilling, it’s like a sweet option. Even if other people don’t care about your birthday, there’s a option now where you’re not dependent on them, but you could.experiment with. Yeah. I find that really exciting. Like, it’s like, wow, a whole year’s worth of birthdays. 

Like, you know, like I could like, okay, there’s my work job for the day. you know, it’s really, it’s totally, totally. Instead of like checking off, oh, happy birthday, right. You know, and then, oh, that’s done. It’s like, really sit and think like, yeah, about that person, do some work on that person, like you said, or think about what, what, Would be caring to that person. 

Yeah, and like an opportunity for genuine connection, you know, represented by their birthdays, like an opportunity for that. Yeah. Okay. So, what’s another turnaround?People don’t care enough about my birth. I’ll try and people do care enough about my birthday, and, and that’s where it’s like, it’s just my ego that’s not satisfied, like, and, and just, it can never be right. 

What happened when I’m in this kind of thing so people do care enough like with the level that people care I could be happy like I couldn’t feel content if I didn’t have the beliefs and if he cared More like I think sometimes you know, my sister really cares about it but And we, the way she goes about it, I don’t like, or it doesn’t work out, or she feels left out.You know, like, it’s sort of like, what if my sister watches this video? 

But actually it’s totally fine. sorry, people do care enough about me. it’s like if they cared more, it wouldn’t necessarily change what my reaction is, or it would elicit a different reaction that could be stressful as well. And so they do care enough and the more spotlight there is on me, the more chance there is for me to get lost again in my ego. So if there’s some big party for me. 

There’d be plenty of opportunity for me to get lost in my ego during and after. so that’s like one way of the sort of feeling people do care enough about me is like, okay, feeling doesn’t come from the amount they care.And then just looking for evidence that they do care because I, I never let it in, but that I’ve had, I guess. 

You know, I’ve had a couple of friends mention it. My family is definitely planning on celebrating with me this weekend. Over the years, people have wished me happy birthday. So people do care enough is like, if I could see it, I could experience it, you know, people caring enough.Yeah. 

Like you said, family doesn’t count or probably there’s a whole list of things that, Oh, that doesn’t really count or, You know, my sister doesn’t quite do it the way I would want. So that doesn’t really count. Like, that’s a, when you look at all the things that don’t count, then it rules out all of so many places where people are caring, the mind doesn’t let it in. You know? And I think about when my son was born, how it was just like so huge for me. And that’s almost like that was already enough. 

You know, when I was born and, and the people were glad for me to be born, like, that’s so huge. That was all, that’s already enough, you know, right. Yeah. So you’ve already been cared enough about the rest is sort of extra. Yeah. Like, cause what are you wanting? Like what is the enough that you’re trying to get to? Like what would be, what is, what is the experience you’re trying to have by people caring enough about your birthday? I get to the sort of like true that I matter. and it’s status, I think, proof that other people see that I matter. 

And that’s what, so if they see I matter, then I can get back to I mattering again. Right. As long as your mind doesn’t discount everything, and as long as it’s like every moment of every day for every hour, exactly. As my grandmother would say, you’re leaning on a weak stick.Yeah. 

It’s this, it’s this like need that we all have to some degree of other people to validate us or to prove that we matter or to, you know, that’s the hope, the chase that we do, okay, if I can just get them to love me, then I’ll be able to love myself, but it’s completely opposite, which leads into the next turnaround. People don’t care enough about my birthday. How would you turn it around to yourself? I don’t care about, I don’t care enough about my birthday. 

And, definitely like, I get mad at my birthday, I have a lot of negative feelings about it. that was cool to hear what you said about the actual birthday. I don’t care enough about that, you know, about being born and how birthdays are like, what’s a birthday. You know, it’s like every day is a, is a birthday. I don’t care enough about my birthday. Birthday of just like this amaze, like every day is my birthday. and I don’t care enough about that, that when I’m just so focused on like calendar date and what’s supposed to happen, like calendar date and what it’s supposed to measure and prove. 

Like, it’s like all ego, August 28th, it’s like all ego. And I don’t care enough about my birthday. About just being alive and, and, and seeing the difference.It’s so funny how these things are so powerful that it’s hard to see the difference between the ego birthday and, and being alive. I don’t care enough about, about my birth, about my birthday when I can’t see the difference between my mind and the gift of being here and being born. 

Yeah. So what would it look like tomorrow again? On your birthday, what would it look like, what would be some options of, of caring about your birthday? How could you care about your birthday regardless of what anyone else does? I mean the first answer to me that comes up is just the work, like just to be like, welcome, you know, welcome, whatever comes up, be one thing.

Like, even doing the work on, how to celebrate because I can think of things like, wow, I could eat something special or I could, but I can feel like somehow beliefs coming in, like it doesn’t have to be fake celebration of my birthday. I don’t have to just do something. Is that supposed to be how you celebrate your birthday? Right. So what would non fake caring look like? Caring about you. 

The one that was born so many years ago on that date, what would caring look like? what are options besides fake partying or having other people care about you?I think being open to my full self, you know, whatever shows up and, and, whatever sort of selfish feelings or, Wanting or blaming or any of that, just like being open to all of that and calm and writing it, you know, here I am on my own, writing it down and just also giving, like, I think one way I could care about my birthday is just to remind myself, it isn’t just today.It’s almost like a ticking time bomb by the end of the night. No birthday. Instead of being like, oh, look how much this can go on. I can care. 

I can be open, so open today and it doesn’t end, and like it’ll be so great. It’s always so wonderful to take care of myself with the work and to give myself space and time and honor my negative feelings as well. Give them space. feels so good. And that’s like doesn’t end at, at tomorrow night. it’s almost like if it’s at 1159, I’m still feeling like bad about my birthday. It’s okay. 

Cause tomorrow, August 29th, I can work on anything that didn’t happen the way I wanted it to. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. This, this one day thing puts a lot of pressure.Gotta like have a good day, you know, and if I don’t, then, right. But this is just. beginning of a whole new year. And, there’s so many days to be enjoyed and it doesn’t have to be a pressure. 

So yeah, this is, these are like ideas and you may find more as you experiment, as you live your day tomorrow, as you enjoy different moments of your day, you know, and just see if you can enjoy your birthday. You like really care enough about. You and your birthday to enjoy it, whatever flavor it takes on. Thank you. I would love if anybody has anything that they see, they would take care of themselves on their birthday. Any ideas anyone else sees for themselves? Yeah. Thank you.I just see my birthday. 

Go ahead, David. I just see, my normal day, I’m so happy to do everything, brushing my teeth, just so grateful that I’m able to do these really simple things. So just the same day, I’m here every day, I’m really there. Thank you very much. I think it’s nice to have a family there or not. I think we have that option. Okay, family’s here, maybe not. You’re welcome. I can’t really, I don’t know, control or it is what it is, my understanding. Nice. Yeah. 

I was just going to say that, my birthday, I have a summer birthday too, so I could relate to you never got celebrated in school, you know, it was just, it was my family, I see a lot of other people pointing to themselves.So, yeah. the last birthday I had, I didn’t do anything different other than I had the day off and I just, read and relaxed it was just a simple little, lunch with my partner and his mom and, one or two gifts The feeling was like. I get to do whatever I want today, and I’m just grateful for my life. it was simple. 

I called my dad and talked to my sisters and that was it.and it was nice. Like it wasn’t a, it wasn’t a party, but it was, It was a birthday. Yeah. So I think it’s the feeling, whatever, like, if I’m just settling into, it’s really almost a feeling of gratitude, that I’m settling into for being alive and for, for having what I have in my life. And that’s a sweet way to celebrate. 

I remember I actually, some years ago I was, you know, when Facebook was really big and you’re getting like all these birthday wishes on your birthday, I, I just actually turned it off.I like, I hid my birthday on Facebook because I’m like, this is just. It didn’t mean anything when like that many people started saying happy birthday. So I was happier not to have that in a funny kind of way. 

So anyway, thank you for your work. Thank you for, it’s so, it’s so relatable and it’s just so sweet that you brought it up, especially right before your birthday. Nice birthday present from all of you. Yeah. And from, from my side, I’m wishing you a very happy birthday. Yeah, me too. Me too. Happy B Day. 

In this episode, we looked at a safe and powerful way to let the emotional you speak. And as you heard this participant doing her work, you can see how willing she was to let that emotion come up.And we also looked at why it’s important to ignore your wise mind when listening to your emotions. 

And in this case, she was kind of wanting to judge herself as selfish for doing this, but she ignored that and allowed herself to go there. And finally, we looked at how to turn around negative emotions on an experiential level. And that came from not rushing this process, not trying to do it intellectually, but taking it slowly and finding genuine examples as we went along. So thanks for listening. It’s always a pleasure to be here with you. And I look forward to the next time, so have a great rest of your day.

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