Overcoming Anticipatory Stress
with The Work of Byron Katie

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how the mind falls into the trap of all or nothing thinking, and how to step into a world of nuance and freedom instead.

Todd: Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

Todd: In this episode, you’ll discover how the mind traps itself by believing it has to do things a certain way, how to question a binding thought and find freedom again, and how all or nothing thinking falls away once the belief [00:01:00] that is holding it up crumbles. Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays.

Todd: You bring your questions and stressful situations. And I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording of this video. So you can experience the open session just as we did.

Client: Yeah. I have a situation where I would like to do the work on it’s, um, yeah, I thought I, I thought I had the perfect thought to do the work on, but now I’m like starting to guess if that’s the right one or not, but basically the situation, my situation is I’m trying to.

Client: Like learn something new and That’s always good for me, but there’s like a downside of it and that is like Because I like to learn really well and do it really well I [00:02:00] just give up on some things that I learned before and i’m practicing before that so it’s kind of like I leave one things on the side like I put them on hold completely to Get my attention More of my attention to anything new So my thought is like I noticed that this morning and like it got me Like triggered a little bit because it’s like oh why I always have to do has to be that way and it’s like I’m thinking like I have to leave all those things like other things behind in order to learn something new.

Client: That’s kind of like where I’m stuck in that, in that place. I can feel it in my mind, in my body and my mind is like stuck in there. It’s like, ah, now I have to decide. What to leave behind to start something new.

Todd: Yeah. I recognize that frustration. [00:03:00] Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like it goes quickly to time shortage, right?

Todd: This time scarcity and they can’t do it all. And, uh, yeah, the limitations of life. So, okay. So, um, You said that you had the perfect thought. Is that the thought I have to leave all those other things behind to start something new? Or do you wanna brainstorm where, where do you feel right now in terms of the thought?

Todd: I think it’ll

Client: brainstorm a little bit because I feel like it’s closed, but it’s not the actual one. Okay. And I, so what else is going on? The weird part is like. I feel like it’s not even about time because I know I can like schedule it and like divide it a little bit better or shot like cut some things off of it and make room for it.

Client: But then the thing is like my mind, it’s like when something is full, so you have to empty and clear up some space to get something [00:04:00] new in place. So I feel like attached to that part even more than time or even more than whatever it is that I want to learn. It’s more like, oh, I have enough. So if I want to do that, I have to clear the room, get something out, and then now I can learn something new.

Client: So, mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . It’s kind of frustrating because I don’t wanna stop doing anything of the things that I’m . Yeah.

Client: Okay.

Todd: So that’s another possible one. Like I have to clear the room, you know, uh, or something like that. Um, keep talking like, and I don’t know if you wanna share any of the specifics of the things that you’re looking at or if you wanna do it more generally, but, um, sometimes that can help. Finding the thoughts a little more clearly as well.

Client: Yeah. It’s like a, it’s like a different programming language that I want to get into, and I’ve kind of like, Done it [00:05:00] before a little bit here and there, but then I noticed like that part of like perfectionist in me that if I say, Oh, I want to really learn it and be into it. I have to leave like the rest of the things behind because I need to focus a lot to be able to actually learn it or learn it as fast as possible or something like that.

Client: So that’s, It’s kind of like what hat has me like in there. I know there’s like a few different thoughts in there for sure.

Todd: Yeah, but it keeps circling around something like that keeps coming up the same idea basically that you know, if you really want to learn it, then you have to leave the rest behind.

Todd: Right. You know, different way of saying I have to clear the room or you said earlier, Oh, I have to leave those other things behind. Just one

Client: pop. There’s like, I can learn something new. Without stopping doing something that I’m already doing or something that I already Like [00:06:00] doing it or something like that.

Client: Yeah, that feels okay closer actually.

Todd: Okay, great. Yeah, great okay, so Shall we try that one? I think yeah, it’s

Client: close that one made me feel like oh Yeah, I got annoyed just by thinking about it. Okay, that’s a good sign. That’s

Todd: a perfect one. Okay, we know we’re getting close to it when we start feeling that, uh, the stress is getting higher.

Todd: Um, so that’s good. Okay, so let me see if I got the phrasing right. I can’t learn something new without stopping. Something that I already like doing or something. I may not have gotten that last part just right. What do you think?

Client: Yeah,

Todd: it’s like

Client: if I want to learn something new, I have to stop doing something that I like doing. Yeah, that’s right [00:07:00] on. Yeah, yeah.

Todd: Gotcha. All right. Just writing that down. Okay. So if I want to learn something new, I have to stop doing something that I like doing. Oh yeah. I can feel that myself. That feels right on. Right on.

Todd: Okay. Well, let’s do the work on it. So the situation is when you’re thinking about learning a new programming language, um, and you can be even more specific where you were, what, like, when did it hit you? Uh, something, something tangible where, you know, specific time and place possibly. It’s,

Client: it was this morning, actually sitting at my desk and thinking about it.

Client: Okay. And it’s just, I could feel the frustration right away and the mind goes ahead, start thinking what to leave behind completely, [00:08:00] not even partially. It’s like, okay, let’s get rid of something. What is going to be, what is it? Yes. Yes. Right there, this point.

Todd: Yes. Okay. So, in that situation, just today, as you were thinking about this, Yes.

Todd: If you want to learn something new, like this language, you have to stop doing something that you like doing. Is it true?

Client: Yes.

Client: And,

Todd: and you absolutely know it’s true. If you want to start doing something new, you have to stop doing something that you like doing.[00:09:00]

Client: Yes.

Todd: So how do you react in that moment as you’re thinking about this situation? What happens to you when you think that if you want to learn something new, you have to stop doing something that you like doing?

Client: Oh boy, I right away, I can feel it in my body, like starting getting hotter, like inside my chest. It’s like, I feel how I get stuck in the decision of what am I going to cut off the list to be able to get this, this new thing done. I keep going back and forth between what I’ve done in the past, which is exactly the same of just like stop doing something and then just focusing on it.

Client: on the new thing [00:10:00] to get good at. And then also later on in the future, the frustration of stopping that, that I wanted to do to learn something new. So it’s like, uh, why can’t it be both? But it’s like, still there’s like an imbalance for sure there. And I feel, yeah, the frustration most of all.

Client: And then there’s, I can feel some blame on myself too, from the past for not doing it before. So thinking like, Oh, if I did it before, then I would be good at it right now. And I wouldn’t have to be making this decision at all. So it’s like I wasted time in a way. So there’s definitely some guilt there.

Client: And then I [00:11:00] feel

Client: in a way attacked by myself. Feels weird

Client: because I feel like I’m putting something else there when everything is full. So I’m kind of like, kind of like feeling that I’m sabotaging myself in a way because I know I’m full and I’m putting something else on top of it. So

Client: it feels that way.

Client: And then it’s like the loop of not knowing exactly what to cut off the list and stop doing to learn this new thing. So it’s like,

Client: I could feel how I could be five years into this just thinking about it and not [00:12:00] actually doing anything, not learning at all because I’m

Todd: stuck.

Client: Fully stuck.

Todd: Yeah, I was going to ask you, what are you unable to do? And I can hear it like unable to make any decision or move forward, or it’s just like stuck.

Client: Right. Fully stuck there.

Todd: So what we’re seeing is that the. That stuck feeling is coming from this thought. The thought is, if I want to learn something new, I have to stop doing something that I like doing, and I don’t want to do that. So, I’m stuck.

Client: I’m in the middle, like, trying to, like, forcing myself to decide, but at the same time not wanting to do it.

Client: So, It feels like I’m stretching left and right, but I’m still in that not comfortable middle.

Todd: Exactly. Yeah. So when did you first [00:13:00] learn this thought? When did you, when did you first get this thought in your life that you want, if you want to do something new, you have to stop doing something that you like doing?

Client: I think that’s what I’ve done A lot, not even thinking about it. Just like life kind of forced me to focus on one thing. And I just put my a hundred percent of my energy into that. And then I left things behind that I later on regret it. And I was like, Oh, why I stopped doing that? If I liked it and I just focus on that other thing, whatever it was.

Client: So it’s like a pattern that I can see throughout my life, not, but not even thinking about it, just being like situational or just, I don’t even know. I just decided to do it that way without thinking perhaps. I don’t know, but it’s like a pattern that I can see. Going back.[00:14:00]

Todd: Okay, so I think we’re seeing the effects of this thought. It’s very clear. The frustration, the not knowing what to do, stock feeling, all of that. So let’s see who you would be sitting at your desk this morning thinking about, Oh yeah, I’d like to learn that language and then thinking, Oh my gosh, if I want to learn something new, I have to stop doing.

Todd: Something that I like doing. So that’s the, that was what we just looked at. That’s with the thought, but imagine now that you were looking, thinking about learning that language, but it didn’t have the thought at all. Like just somehow not there in your mind. That if you want to learn something new, you have to stop doing something that you like doing.

Todd: Who would you be, as you’ve thought about it?[00:15:00]

Client: I can feel that I’m not attacking myself at all anymore. It’s like, I’m just there thinking about it, because it’s something that I would like to do, but,

Client: but I’m not seeing any limitations for doing it. I’m not feeling any limitations for doing it.

Todd: Mm hmm.

Client: Huh.

Client: There are no,

Client: like, I can see, like, if, If I think about it before, it’s like, oh, I have to become the [00:16:00] best at that. But with the new one, it’s like, oh, I can learn a little bit or as much as I can. Like, if I keep liking it and just going deeper and deeper, but there’s no, this kind of goal. Of trying to be the best at it as fast as I can.

Client: So it’s like, it’s not there. And that’s really freeing. Wow.

Client: It feels like I can just start at any time without any time pressure or any pressure at all. Like before I was kind of like thinking that I needed to put all my day Thinking like about it, but now it’s like I don’t have to do that I just can put whatever time I have available for it. So [00:17:00] that’s Interesting.

Client: Yeah,

Client: and there’s not Um, I’m not caught up in the thoughts that are coming up. It’s like if everything is clear and it’s, they’re just like passing by, I’m not holding any of them at all. So it’s like almost empty, which actually feels good.

Todd: Yeah. With the thought, very full. Without the thought, more empty. Yeah.

Client: And my mind starts like going to, Oh yeah, maybe you can do 20 minutes here or 30 minutes there, practice a little bit here and there. It’s like the pressure is off. That’s the [00:18:00] main thing.

Todd: So this is how a thought can influence your experience. When you think if you want to learn something new, you have to stop doing something that you like doing. Then It’s impossible. But if you’re not thinking that thought, new options come in that you weren’t even thinking about. That’s what happens.

Todd: Yeah,

Todd: so how would you turn the thought around if you want to learn something new you have to stop doing something that you like? Doing

Client: if I want to start learning something new I don’t have to stop doing Okay, like doing

Todd: if you were already moving in that direction So let’s fill in as many examples as you can to support that [00:19:00] idea

Client: true because if there’s no Like major goal with it, like trying to hunt something, then time is not going to be any pressure or like the amount of hours that I need to look at, like the explanations and things like that are like relative.

Client: I don’t have to meet certain times or anything. So that takes the all out. And if I don’t have to put as many hours as I think I do, then I can just keep doing all the things that I like doing. And that would be just an additional thing that I like doing rather than a replacement for something. Wow.

Client: Interesting.

Todd: Yeah.

Todd: Like, if you explore that a little bit, like what, what does [00:20:00] it feel like on the inside when you’re trying something new, but you’re not necessarily getting rid of something old, but you’re just testing things out. Like, what does that feel like? That process feel like?

Client: It feels like freeing. It feels like I’m giving myself permission to try something new rather than, okay, I have to stop doing something that I like to test if I like doing this. But anyway, I’m going to put a hundred percent of my effort into it.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah.

Client: Yeah. It doesn’t feel like I’m doing a bad deal, like, you know, like I’m not trading something I really like for something that I don’t know if I’m going to like as much or at all.

Todd: Right, you don’t even know. I

Client: don’t even know. That could be

Todd: a horrible deal. It’s so, [00:21:00] it could be, right? You might get in and think, oh, I really don’t like this programming language. And now it’s too late, I already gave up. Something else, because I’m all in. And

Client: that’s the way I was thinking. It’s like, if you’re giving something, and then you can’t get it back, in a way.

Client: It’s like, okay, if I stop doing it, then I can’t just go back to do it. It’s like, I already made my decision, so I have to stick to it.

Todd: There you go. Yeah. So this is what’s going on. Like this is another underlying belief. Like if I make a decision I have to stick with it and not only do I have to stick with it, I have to do become like the best at it.

Todd: I have to go all the way. So like if you touch even one toe on that, On that treadmill, it’s going to like take you like 100 percent

Client: in and you can’t right. I’m not even giving myself like the gym’s trial period or anything. Everything pretty much as a trial [00:22:00] period and I’m not giving that to myself.

Todd: Exactly. Exactly. Wow. So if I want to learn something new, I don’t have to stop doing something that I like doing because I can give it a trial period. I can do like, just test it out, see if I like it or not. And then probably if I like it, I will start being enthusiastic about it and will naturally start going in that direction.

Todd: Or I might find out that’s not really what I thought it was. And I still have the other things that I love to do. Yeah,

Client: that feels really good actually. Yeah. Not signing a life deal.

Client: No pressure,

Todd: but you have to, you have to sign your life away. This is a lifetime [00:23:00] opportunity. If you don’t take it now. Yeah. And forget it. Oh, it has to be all in, right? That’s the mind for you. The mind goes all or nothing so quickly. But what I’m hearing now is like, you just have another possibility. And then you’re just testing that out and testing other things out and seeing where your attention naturally is drawn and it’s uh, yeah, you don’t know where you’re gonna go, but you’re You’re listening to that, you’re paying attention to that feeling of, oh, this excites me, or this, not so interesting.

Todd: Freedom.

Client: It actually made me think about, like, because I like to focus a lot when I’m learning things. It just opened my mind a little bit, too, that if I put 30 minutes into it, I can give it my 100%. inside those 30 minutes. It doesn’t have to be the whole day to be productive or something. [00:24:00] So I love it.

Todd: Yeah. So these are all the middle areas that are opening up here instead of the all or nothing area of either I start something new and leave my old life behind completely, or I don’t start anything new and stay in the same life. You know, like that sounds like an impossible choice.

Client: Feels like a lot of pressure if you look at it that way. Exactly.

Todd: So this turnaround opens it up a little bit. Like if I want to learn something new, I don’t have to stop doing anything that I like doing. Don’t have to,

Todd: you know, like there can be still truth in the statement. Like if I want to really [00:25:00] go all like really deeply into something, I might have to leave some other things behind. That’s true. But the, the difference is what we’re seeing is I don’t have to go to that kind of commitment right away. Okay. Like that will either happen naturally or it won’t.

Todd: And I’m free to test some things out and find out where my interest actually lies.

Client: Yeah, that’s exactly how it makes me feel. Before it was like, I don’t know what I’m getting into, but if I sign up for it, then I’ll just have to be committed 100%. That’s one before like the thought of like regret came in because before I committed to something that then I didn’t like, but because I was committed, I just keep on doing it.

Client: So yeah.

Todd: Yep. Welcome to the club. I do the same thing. I think a lot of HSPs do the same thing. It’s like, we like to look before we leave and then. [00:26:00] But like, we can trap ourselves in that idea of, I have to, once I commit, I have to stay committed.

Todd: I used to jokingly call it the ratchet system. You know what a ratchet is? Like the machine, they’re like a little tool. It’s like, it only goes one way. It’s like, and so like, if I start something, then it can only go tighter, tighter, tighter. It’s never going to back off. And it feels like a trap. What we’re playing with here is that there could be a lot of room for exploration.

Todd: And testing it out and seeing what interests you, uh, and then going away from it or coming back to it, there’s a lot of

Client: possibilities. Yeah. And it leads me to think, just like you said, like, depending on how much I like it later on, I can still adjust the times for the rest of the things and [00:27:00] see how I can fit it in if I really want to keep doing everything.

Client: Sure, but then I’m like, I feel more freedom to choose and actually decide what I want to do rather than being forced to do something. That’s it. That’s it.

Todd: The belief is forcing you. Like, it’s basically, I have to be all in. I have to, I have to finish what I start, become, you know, I’d have to be the best at it.

Todd: I have to go deep with it. All those beliefs, they force the mind To make some crazy decision when it’s not absolutely necessary. The reality of the situation is I can increase some time for this and then see how that goes. And then I might decide to. to decrease that time and bring it back for something else.

Todd: And then I might decide, Oh no, actually I do want some, Oh, and there’s another thing I’m really not interested in doing. I’m going to put some more time back on this. Like it can be like this [00:28:00] constant adjusting to feel like what is, uh, what makes sense to me according to my feelings rather than according to the, some contract that I have in my mind.

Client: And now just have like the being in that place. My wife just walked in my office like for a bit and she even mentioned a little bit that I didn’t thought it was that good at the time. But she also mentioned that you could do it per day. You can decide to do focus on one thing one day. And then a different thing the next day.

Client: And now with the options open, that makes a lot more sense too, because that’s true. And that will feel like a lot more time just one day of the week or whatever it is.

Todd: Yes, exactly.

Client: Exactly.

Todd: So, um, any other turnarounds? I don’t know if there are. It’s a fairly straightforward sentence. But, uh, if I want [00:29:00] to learn something new, I have to stop doing something that I like doing.

Todd: Is there any other turnaround?

Client: If I want to learn something new, my mind doesn’t have to stop doing something that it likes doing.

Todd: Okay. What could that mean?

Client: I can see like How that fear of forcing myself from myself to myself to force to to be forced to do something has got me in trouble before. So I can see how the mind is like also like a little bit, oh, this is going to happen if we bring something new. So if I think of it that way, it’s like I’m giving my mind also freedom to not look at it that way.

Client: And then just. Keep doing what it likes [00:30:00] doing, which is like, you know, listening to different things. And it’s not that I’m going to take anything away from it, the things that it likes. So makes, yeah, it makes sense. Yep.

Todd: Yep. Yep. I see another possible turnaround if you want to look at it. If I want to do something old, I have to stop doing something that I like doing.

Todd: Like, Old as in the old way, I’ve always done it.

Todd: You know what I mean? Like if I want to keep doing the same old thing, same old mind trap, then I have to just stop doing something that I like doing whenever I try to do something new.

Client: Makes sense. And it like, once you said it, It also brought back things that I stopped doing before, and it made me think that I can [00:31:00] just go back and do any of those at any time, and that wouldn’t be an issue at all.

Client: Yeah. It’s like I left them behind because of like, kind of like the same reasons I went for something else. So I just left them behind. But if I have that thought, like for all things, it’s, they’re welcome to with the new things that I like doing. I don’t have to leave anything behind.

Todd: You can go back, you can go forward, you can go in any direction instead of only going in something new direction.

Client: That’s really cool because one just showed up right away. I used to draw a lot and I really like drawing, but then at some point I just like stopped doing it. And now I can see myself drawing again. It’s like, Oh, you do it here and there. It doesn’t matter. I don’t have to be there. Anybody. [00:32:00]

Todd: Exactly.

Client: Wow.

Todd: Then it becomes like a play, you know, instead of, instead of, I have to be the best at it. It’s just, Oh, I’m going to draw for a few minutes. Oh, I’m going to study programming for a little bit. Oh, I’m going to do this. And then you can change it up any way you want.

Client: Yeah. That’s really cool. I really feel like the resistance of it.

Client: Even switching from one thing, one thing to the next one, thinking that I have to become the best. So I’ll have to put all my time. into that just one thing. So really makes me see like the flexibility of it. So that’s really cool.

Todd: All right. One more turnaround. If I want to learn something new, I have to stop doing something that I don’t like doing.

Client: [00:33:00] Oh,

Client: that’s really interesting.

Client: Right.

Client: It makes me think about not even stop doing something completely, but perhaps in the way that I’m doing it. So like playing basketball, for example, that I like doing it. It’s like if I want something new, I can simply play just like randomly here and there. I don’t have to be part of a team and be on a training session that lasts for who knows how long and all that stuff.

Client: And I’ll still be doing something that I like. But not as long and then they’ll give me space for something different too.

Client: That’s really cool. [00:34:00] And then I can be more, more honest with myself and decide if I want to stop doing something in that way that I like, but I’m kind of like I forced myself to do it because I was committed to do it and not because I really enjoyed doing it. That much or that way. Exactly.

Todd: You’re listening to yourself.

Todd: Yep. And anything’s possible when you’re doing that. There’s so much freedom where you’re doing that.

Client: Yeah. It feels great. Cause it’s like, I give myself permission to do that and not just force myself to be there no matter what.

Todd: And then I think like it’s all related here and we’ve kind of touched on it, but it could be also good to question directly the thought I need to be the best at, at you know, because. That one, it does exactly what [00:35:00] we’re just the opposite of what we’re discovering here. It makes me almost like, I’m trying to be the best at something.

Todd: And even the question arises, why am I trying to be the best at something for me? It’s like, I’m trying to please something, please. Like someone I remember, like always trying to get good grades for my mom or something like that, you know, like always trying to do the best job I can. Like, so the reference point is outside of myself.

Todd: And then that’s when I have to try really hard and do even things that I don’t want to do, try to do a really good job. But the opposite is what we were just discovering is, Oh, well, if I’m not really wanting to play on the structured team with the basketball, I can just not do that, but I can still play when I want to play pickup games or something.

Todd: Or like there’s a freedom if I’m not. If I’m not thinking it needs to look good to somebody, or it needs to look good to me, or I [00:36:00] need to be at the best, you know, the very best, like that’s an outside focus. So I think that will be a good one also to look at, actually question that thought. I need to be the best at it as well, but we’ve already touched on it a lot coming out right now.

Client: Yeah. I can feel that too. Thank you very much. It’s really cool.

Todd: In this episode, we looked at. How the mind traps itself by believing it has to do things a certain way. And so that idea that I have to stop doing something that I like doing if I want to learn something new is a belief. It’s a thought. It’s something that was a conclusion in this experience.

Todd: And in this, uh, overall experience of life that completely cramps the ability to explore freely. And we also looked at how to question a binding thought like this and find freedom again. [00:37:00] It’s really that simple. Identifying what is the thought, and we took a little time to find what felt like it was closest to the stress.

Todd: And then as we questioned it, we saw the new possibilities coming up. And that introduced this idea of nuance. that wasn’t there when the original thought was binding. And then finally, we looked at how all or nothing thinking falls away once the belief that is holding it up crumbles. And so all or nothing thinking is, if I want to learn something new, I have to stop doing something that I like doing.

Todd: And it’s this bind. And also that idea that I have to do a really good job, I have to be the best at it. Um, these are binding thoughts. And once the, these thoughts are questioned, even loosened a little bit, then that all or nothing thinking starts to fall away. And what you’re left with is possibilities.

Todd: You can try this for a little while, follow your heart with that. You may [00:38:00] back off of it, go back to something else. You can bring up something from the past. You’re absolutely free to explore in all the different directions that are possible. So that’s what freedom is like, and it’s the exact opposite of all or nothing.

Todd: So thanks for listening. It’s always great to do the work and experience this. And I appreciate you being here as a part of it. Till next time, have a wonderful rest of your day

Todd: dreaming of a stress-free balanced life. Visit true inner freedom.com and complete the HSP stress survey. Gain clarity on your stress triggers, and enjoy a free 15 minute inner freedom call designed to guide you towards lasting inner peace and [00:39:00] fulfillment.