Choosing Which Stressful Thought to Question: Inner Work for Overwhelmed HSPs

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to choose a stressful thought to question even when you feel overwhelmed by so many.

Todd: Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

Todd: In this episode, you’ll discover what to do when there are more stressful thoughts than there is time to question them. Why not finding the perfect thought to question could actually be more powerful. And how to let go of a past hurt, even when the mind tells you there are more important [00:01:00] things to do.

Todd: Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays. You bring your questions and stressful situations, and I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did.

Client: How do you kind of like prioritize when doing the work?

Client: You know, sometimes you kind of like feel overwhelmed by all this different thoughts that you don’t have the time to work them all or like to try and get some relief from that. So how do you take them in and decide which ones to work first? Because if the list is long, it gets harder and harder.

Todd: Yeah, that’s a good question. Yeah, it’s a question that pretty much all of us face when we’re doing the work. As you say, there’s just so many thoughts. There’s not enough [00:02:00] time in life. To question all the stressful thoughts that may come up, you know, what did they say? We get some, we have something like 50 or 60, 000 thoughts a day.

Todd: And how many of those are stressful? I don’t know, but there’s a million of them. There’s just so many kinds of stressful thoughts. And. And we’re in the process of questioning those thoughts one by one. That sounds like a hopeless cause, hopeless journey. But the good news is, before I answer your question, is that we don’t have to answer, we don’t have to question all of our stressful thoughts.

Todd: That’s the good news, is that thoughts are related to each other. In fact, Byron Katie is fond of saying that there are no new stressful thoughts, only recycled ones, only re reused ones, and They’re kind of all these stressful thoughts fall into certain [00:03:00] similar kinds of groupings. And so as you work a thought that is, yeah, as you work a thought, you may find that it’s touching on and it’s similar to other types of stressful thoughts in other completely unrelated stressful situations.

Todd: And so my experience has been doing the work for many years is that Without working all of my stressful thoughts are becoming less and less. And it’s significant. It’s not just like I’m taking one or two thoughts out of a million and I’m like free. Of point zero zero zero one percent free like no it feels like more like 50 60 70 percent freedom is coming from Just doing the work once a day on one thought, or sometimes not even once a day so I just want to give that context is that Even though there are so many [00:04:00] stressful thoughts.

Todd: I don’t have to Work all of them. Yeah, this is especially important for highly sensitive people get overwhelmed by everything Anyway, me being one of them is okay now one more thing to get overwhelmed with is how many stressful thoughts I have to question like just Take one and that one if you go deeply with it will touch many others And so on one side to answer your question It doesn’t matter which thought you take you can take a random thought You And it’s going to be helpful.

Todd: It’s going to touch something. And if you sit with it and go deep with it, you’re going to experience shifts inside that influence all parts of your life. So my favorite example of that, I remember one time I did the work on A tiniest hair breadth of a stressful situation. You would never call it stressful normally, but I was looking for something [00:05:00] stressful.

Todd: There was some little dirt on a stove that I was cooking on, and it was just like, ah, and it was so tiny, like, minor. I did the work on that, and it was like, It just opened some really cool things that helped me in so many different areas of my life. So you can pick the most trivial, most unimportant, stressful thought, and you can end up when you question it, end up seeing things that are profound and wide reaching, far reaching.

Todd: So to really answer your question, like how do you fuse a thought? How do you decide which one to work? When you feel overwhelmed by so many thoughts, you could probably do several different ways. One way would be just random, like there’s a million flies buzzing around and you just pick that one and you and that’s it, right?

Todd: It’s just random. Okay, whatever’s the one that I want to sit and do the work right now and this thought came in [00:06:00] right now Okay, I’ll take that one like without any thought or decision making or anything like that. That would work Another way to do it is to Listen to your stress. And this is probably what I do more often than not.

Todd: Feel the stress inside and listen to that and see what it is that is calling my attention the most. And when I give myself that attention, I often find that there is something that is, I’m more drawn to work. Like it’s just more drawn to like that one’s bothering more. The stress level is just a little bit more.

Todd: It feels like it’s getting me and that’s where I’m interested. To go and focus. And so I just follow that it’s like blind. I’m in the dark and I’m just feeling around it. And I’m like, Oh, this feels like something I want to work. It doesn’t have to be the one. It just is one that right now feels I feel drawn to and of everything else [00:07:00] I’m seeing right now, it just calls my attention.

Todd: It’s clearly stressful. And and I’m interested. So that’s probably the main way I do it. And then to just get even clearer on how I do it, I usually will, we talk about questioning stressful thoughts, and that is what the work of Byron Katie is all about, but. My starting point is almost always a stressful situation.

Todd: I look for a stressful situation first, and then I find the stressful thought or thoughts inside of that situation. So if I’m overwhelmed by what to do work on, how many thoughts there are, and what should I question? What I usually do is I’ll slow down and look for what a situation connected to some of these thoughts.

Todd: stressful feelings I’m having inside. And then I go there first. So I might be scanning my day or scanning my life. And I’m noticing [00:08:00] that I’m keep seeing this situation. Oh, this was when somebody said something I didn’t want them to say to me. And my attention goes to that moment. And then once I’m there.

Todd: Then, I’ve landed on a particular time and space, and then the stressful thoughts are much more finite. I’ve just landed on one minute area in time. And then, I just I just start writing down the stressful thoughts. Maybe I write a judge your neighbor worksheet, if it involves another person or something outside of myself.

Todd: Maybe I just write some a list of stressful thoughts to question if it’s more about myself or about just random beliefs, but that finding that situation allows me to put my feet somewhere. And that I find to be very helpful. If I just am looking for random thoughts to question I, that also works and I do that, but more often than not, I look for stressful situation.

Todd: and then find the thoughts [00:09:00] within it. And it just gives structure through that process. And the funny thing that happens once you find a situation is you start forgetting about all the other stressful stuff going on in your life because you’ve localized your awareness to that particular situation.

Todd: And then it becomes just really straightforward, simple, You know what you’re talking about, and then writing a worksheet or writing your stressful thoughts and doing the work becomes simple again. So yeah, that’s my process. The analogy I like to use sometimes is there’s a, it’s actually perfect today because we had our first snow and when it’s snowing outside.

Todd: You, you you can’t control all that snow, like it goes for miles and miles around you, like it’s just so much snow, but you can just go inside in one place and just be there and then all the other snow is fine, like it’s no big deal. So when I [00:10:00] think I’m doing the work, I like take one situation or one stressful thought and I just go straight into that and then all the other things.

Todd: All the other stressful thoughts, the thousands of other things going on that are maybe stressful. I just don’t worry about them because I have one that I have. I’m just going to go deep with that one. Byron Katie sometimes says love the one you’re with. And she’s talking about the stressful thought that you chose.

Todd: Just focus on that one and be with that one. Give it full attention. Yeah, I’m just full of analogies today. And another one that comes is that so many room full of crying babies, you can’t take care of them all at once, but you can pick up one and you can take care of that one and then find out what it needs.

Todd: And then when that one stopped crying, you can set it down and take the next one. But if I focus on all at once, I will get overwhelmed and it’s not necessary. So those are a few thoughts. I don’t know if that answers what you’re coming with, Edwin. [00:11:00]

Client: Yeah, that’s really cool. Cause like it’s.

Client: You’re like trying to find the perfect one to do the work on, out of so many. So that really helps not thinking so much about it. Yes,

Todd: that’s a trap that pretty much everyone who does the work at some point falls into is I need to find the perfect stressful thought to question. And yeah, choosing the stressful thought.

Todd: Is important. We found that’s true. So it’s easy to get obsessed about that. If I find the perfect one, then that will really be helpful. And then you can waste a lot of time and get frustrated and actually end up not doing the work because you didn’t find quote unquote. The perfect one doesn’t matter.

Todd: Just pick whatever one is there and you’re going to be. You’re going to be dealing with something real. You’re going to be dealing with something important, valuable. And even if it isn’t exactly what was bothering you, you’re going to be in the ballpark and those turnarounds are still going to be useful.

Todd: And who [00:12:00] knows, you finished that piece of work. It may lead to another piece of work. And so that’s a hangup. We can all just get hung up on trying to find the perfect starting place for the work, but better just to start period.

Client: Cool. Thank

Todd: you. Yeah. Welcome.

Todd: All right. Any other questions or anyone want to do a little bit of work?

Client: I guess I could do the work on the kind of like a worksheet that I’m doing. I’m working on it, but I noticed that because of all these thoughts, it’s like, Oh, should I just keep working on that one? Or just try to find a more important one in a way.

Todd: [00:13:00] Okay. So

Client: We can just keep going with that one.

Client: Okay. Yeah.

Todd: That question falls right into what we were just talking about. Should I find a more important one to work on? And that always tells me I’m still looking for that one thing that’s gonna like really work. Open it up for me or set me free or something, but it’s the tiny things It’s the unimportant work that probably is the most important.

Todd: It brings the most surprises so But on the other hand, we’re free and we may just decide i’m done with this worksheet I’m going to move on to another one and that’s also totally fine

Client: I see. Yeah, I think I want to question the once okay You And my situation is, I was I requested a loan to go to college a lot of years ago, that was quite a [00:14:00] bit of years ago. And then it was delayed, so they kicked me out of there because they never got the payment. So that’s like the situation where I’m stuck where they just kicking me, they’re kicking me out of college.

Client: Because there’s a problem with the payment and stuff like that. So what were your

Todd: wants in that situation?

Client: So I have a quite a bit of different wants in there, but the one that sticks to me the most is I want them to stop making me feel bad. Okay,

Todd: great. Great. Let’s question that. Do you remember where you were when they kicked you out when you got that message after the loan was delayed and you couldn’t continue?

Client: Yeah, there’s like different instances of it, but I remember the last time where I went to the office and talked to them where they said oh, we’re not going to allow you to. be here anymore because the payment hasn’t been received. So [00:15:00] that’s the moment where I feel like

Todd: very clear. And the statement was, I want them to stop making me feel bad.

Todd: Is that right? Okay. Yeah. So is that true? You want them to stop making you feel bad? Be there in that office when they’re saying you can’t continue. Is it true? You want them to stop making you feel bad?

Todd: Yes. And can you absolutely know it’s true? You want them to stop making you feel bad?

Todd: Yeah. So how do you react? What happens when you think or feel this way and they’re kicking you out? And you think you want them to stop making you feel bad?

Client: I feel like [00:16:00] trapped, like I have no saying, I just need to, if I’m receiving an order where I can’t say anything at all, I And I’m just there to do whatever they say and I don’t have any saying on it.

Client: I feel like a lot of tension in my upper back and my shoulders.

Client: I feel like it’s like they’re attacking me right there in that moment.

Client: I feel like disappointed and I can see how I start judging them in my head, like for not giving me more time and not giving me a chance in that way, in that specific moment.

Client: And I, I start looking for [00:17:00] who’s guilty, like more people too. The reason why I’m there is because my parents didn’t have the money to pay for it, I’m judging them also for having me to go through the loan company and try to make that happen. And it did happen. It’s just that they had a lot of delays, but I judged them for not having the money and paid right away for me to be there.

Client: And then I judged myself for not being able to take care of it myself. Be dependent on somebody else and not just be able to control that.

Client: I feel like not welcomed.

Client: I feel, I have that feeling of like people telling you like you don’t belong here and there[00:18:00]

Client: and I feel just stuck lost because I don’t know what am I gonna do

Client: and it’s like I’m frozen like I don’t know I can’t move or think clearly or anything it’s just. They’re just trapped

Todd: and

Todd: ever since that time, when you’ve, whenever you’re, you’ve looked back at that situation how have you reacted when you think you want them to stop making you feel bad?[00:19:00]

Client: Yeah, I put myself like a kind of like in a defense mode where they’re attacking me. So I’m like trying to block anything they say and not pay too much attention to the reasons behind or anything. It’s just I just got the no and then it’s everything shuts down in a way,

Client: so it’s like I’m out of there and I don’t want to hear anything else. It’s

Todd: yeah, how do you treat school from that point forward?

Client: Oh, I treat it as the worst college ever.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Yeah, I treat it really bad in my head. No, [00:20:00] like I’ll be better in a different place. They don’t deserve to have me. Things like that come to mind for sure.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: And I try to also like balance that out a little bit. Oh, college is not that important anyway. So I was just, I won’t do it anyway. So it’s not a big deal. Trying to minimize the, effects on me or something. Totally.

Todd: All of this is reaction, right? This is how you react. You can’t help it when reaction is something that happens automatically, but it’s happening partly because of believing a thought like this.

Todd: I want them to stop making me feel bad.

Todd: So who would you be without the thought that you want them to stop making you feel bad? Even when you’re in that office and they say you can’t [00:21:00] continue, the money didn’t come and they’re picking you out.

Client: I can see how they’re like not looking at it personally, like understanding their point of view. And,

Client: and that even though it’s education, it’s a business like any other business That’s how it works. So I can understand a little bit more what they’re saying. And I can see myself there actually [00:22:00] looking for solutions rather than just being frozen and not being able to do anything or not wanting to do anything.

Client: I can see that I have more options that I can go to talk to the people that are supposed to release the loan or ask for a little bit more time or ask them what else I can do to just keep going.

Client: So I can see how I’m less of a victim in that moment or saying, Oh, poor me because They didn’t let me keep going or something like that and more of I have some choices that I can make here[00:23:00]

Client: and I don’t feel mainly, I don’t feel as bad anymore. That’s interesting. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. Interesting. So the thought, I want them to stop making me feel bad, keeps the attention on them and they’re making me feel bad. So then I don’t see any options. Victim, dressed, and just shut down. If that thought isn’t there, I want them to stop making me feel bad.

Todd: Then the attention isn’t on them making you feel bad. And it’s more about, okay, so now what, and what are the options? And it doesn’t, and ironically you don’t feel as bad. So this is the effect that the thought is having. It’s amazing.

Client: And then my mind gets more busy in terms of the options I have or [00:24:00] what can I do or and what I want to do, too. So that’s interesting.

Todd: Exactly, because what I’m getting from this, I don’t know, but is that once they said, no, this isn’t going to work. Then you just got rid of school, got rid of any idea that you’re going to keep going.

Todd: Just that’s it.

Todd: Yeah. So without that thought more options.

Client: Yeah.

Client: And I’m not in a rush. I feel like slowed down just looking at the situation, like from a different perspective.

Todd: So how would you turn the thought around? I want them to stop making me feel bad.

Client: I don’t want them to stop making me feel [00:25:00] bad.

Todd: Make any sense of that.

Client: Yeah, based on what we just talked about is I’m the one doing that with the situation. They’re not saying they’re not being,

Client: they’re not making me feel bad in reality. They’re just saying Oh, we didn’t get the money yet. So we need to get that money to let you just keep going. Yeah.

Client: Yeah. And they’re not saying it like in a bad way or like anything, they’re just like putting it there because that’s their job anyway.

Todd: They’re not saying you don’t belong here. Don’t ever come back. Nothing like that.

Client: All they’re saying is okay, we’re giving you something that we need to get the money for that, something that you’re getting. So [00:26:00] they’re

Todd: being fair, right? They’re like you said, running a business. Yeah. So what was the turnaround again? I want them to stop making me feel bad. I don’t want them.

Todd: Any other examples for that?

Client: Because if they don’t say anything, then I wouldn’t do anything either, like I wouldn’t go talk to the people that should be releasing the money for the loan or anything, so I wouldn’t even know if they don’t say anything to me. Okay, yeah, so I, I don’t want them to stop making me feel bad, even though it makes me feel bad, it gives me information that I can use.

Todd: Yeah, got it. Yeah, do something. If not, everything will just be one day. The clothes will be, the door will be closed and I won’t be able to get in at all, which is ironically how you treated this. [00:27:00] Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it was saying we need the money, but. necessarily the end, unless the money doesn’t come, which is always possible.

Todd: So what’s another turnaround? I want them to stop making me feel bad. I want me to stop making me feel bad. How does that come into play here? How could you, what’s, yeah, what do you see? I can see that one clearly because it’s me building to this and putting more things and making me feel bad. Oh, it’s because you’re not good enough.

Client: It’s because you can’t pay. So it’s like me coming with all those negative thoughts. And just putting it in this specific situation as a layout or something or to validate what I’m thinking in the moment.

Todd: Yeah, literally attacking yourself with those thoughts. Yeah. And that will make [00:28:00] anyone feel bad, but especially you’re doing it to yourself.

Todd: And it’s not that you can help it. That just happens, right? Like you just believed it and then started believing that you don’t belong here and all of that. It’s all reaction. There’s nothing to blame, but it’s just good to see that the pain is coming. As much or even more from what you’re seeing, how you’re seeing it, what you’re doing internally than from what they’re actually doing.

Todd: So I want me to stop making me feel bad. How about today, when you look back on that situation, are there any ways you could stop making yourself feel bad? About about that whole thing.

Client: Yeah. I think like going back, like you can just see the situation for [00:29:00] what it is and recognize that it’s not my fault or their fault. It’s like something happened and there’s just a delay on it, so that’s not a big deal,

Todd: and and then how is it good that you didn’t continue your studies, because of that?

Todd: How was, how did that turn out to be, like, an advantage or a good thing in your life, now that you look back on it?

Client: It worked out because I got a chance to study something different, something that I also wanted to do and learn a lot from it. Everything happens for a reason, so you can’t

Todd: Yeah, so I want me to stop making me feel bad about that situation because that situation turned out to be a door opening to another situation, another pathway that was helpful.

Todd: It was part of your life now. Yeah.[00:30:00]

Client: And it made me be more open to different things also and like to pay more attention and like use that kind of feeling to go through different things. And not just stay in that same self attack mode or something. So even if it was like trying to escape from that feeling and not have it again, it actually helped me to do that.

Client: So any

Todd: other turnaround, I want them to stop making me feel bad.

Client: I want me to stop making them feel bad.

Todd: Also be a turnaround. If that, does that make any sense in this situation?

Client: Yeah, even though I didn’t say anything bad to them or anything, in my mind, I was like, oh, they’re the worst and [00:31:00] this, that. So it makes a lot of sense to just stop doing that and recognizing what it is.

Client: And like the situation itself and not making it like it’s me against them or something like that. So

Todd: that energy can stay with you. And then every time you think of them or any kind of organization like them, you can have that me against them feeling, and it can continue to make you feel bad because you’re trying to make them feel bad.

Todd: So yeah, I want me.

Client: True. Now that you mentioned that every time I just Walked around that place or like just drove around. You can see it like in the back of your head. It’s ah, you didn’t let me in or something. , you kicked me out. So

Todd: it was still there. So that’s interesting and that, that prevents you from enjoying walking around there or just even thinking about them.

Todd: It’s like there’s a part of your universe that you cannot. Go there anymore. Like it’s only like it’s a bad part of the [00:32:00] universe So I want me to stop making them feel bad Like basically blaming them or thinking badly about them because that makes me limited It makes my life less enjoyable Less free.

Todd: Less, less open space.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: That’s really cool. I didn’t notice. Yeah. Really cool.

Todd: Yeah. Great work. Thanks, Edwin.

Client: Thank you. It was great.

Todd: In this episode, we looked at what to do when there are more stressful thoughts than there is time to question them. And really, the only thing you can do is to question just one at a time.

Todd: Think to understand is that you don’t have to question all of them. When you really focus on one and go deeply with one, you will be touching all of them and you will make real progress. [00:33:00] We also looked at why not finding the perfect thought to question could actually be more powerful. And this is interesting because sometimes the smallest little situation, smallest little thought that you’re questioning doesn’t seem like it has much charge on it can actually show you tons of things about your life in general.

Todd: Or about that particular situation. And the thing I didn’t mention is that when you’re working on a very small or seemingly unimportant or not very charged situation, you actually have a more objective point of view. You’re less tied into the stress of it. And you’re less desperate to get out of the stress.

Todd: And so you often can see things that you can’t see when you’re just trying to get out of pain. And finally, we looked at how to let go of a past hurt. Even when the mind tells you there are more important things to do. And the [00:34:00] mind will always do that. Oh, maybe I should go on to another worksheet.

Todd: Maybe I should work on something different. And that’s always fine. But it’s. It’s always possible to slow it down and look at the one that you’re holding, and if there’s still some hurt there, go in and see what can be uncovered, as we witnessed here in this piece of work. So thanks again for being here, for listening, participating, and I look forward to next time.

Todd: In the meantime, have a great rest of your day.