Feeling Irresponsible?
Inner Work for Highly Sensitive People

By the end of this episode, you’ll discover the freedom that lies on the other side of feeling irresponsible. Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a certified facilitator of the work of Byron Katie. A way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it. I’m a highly sensitive person myself. In this episode, you’ll discover how to find the thought that’s stressing you when you’ve misplaced something, a meditative way of questioning your stressful thought to experience empowerment and freedom again, and how a participant was able to turn her story around completely on an experiential level.Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays. You bring your questions and stressful situations, and I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the Open Session just as we did. Okay, well, I’ll just do something that happened today. 

My son, things go missing, and I just, I have like a meltdown. internally, just when I can’t find something, when something’s lost in the house. So my situation today is, my son was looking for a red pencil case and I had had it yesterday and I, and I can’t find it. So he asked me today again, where, where’s that pencil case?And it’s just like, it’s like crazy making, like, how can it, how can it be gone? And then it goes into the story of how our house is way too messy. We have way too much. Like it just. It blossoms into a big problem about clutter and disorganization and my mind that I don’t know where this pencil case is. So sometimes a really small object that’s missing can completely derail me. But so I’m not exactly sure what the belief is, but it’s like, I don’t know, you know, if some, if I can’t find something, it’s just like, this is terrible.See you later. Like, I need to find it right now, or this shouldn’t be missing, or, why did I lose, you know, I should know where things are. Maybe it’s like, I should know where things are. Mm hmm. Yeah. I can certainly relate. I lost our mailbox key about a week or two ago, and we looked everywhere and couldn’t find it. Even though we got a new mailbox key, there’s a part of me that’s still looking for that,I’ll never sleep again. Yeah. so how to do the work on this? That’s really the question. what are the stressful thoughts? And I think you had some good ones, there, maybe we can brainstorm a little more just to get a list of possibilities. So, like, you mentioned, our house is way too messy, like that came out, right away. 

So there’s a judgment in there that also, comes in. How about, what does that say about you, is there anything that makes it personal to you when you lose something? Yeah, it’s like I’m too disorganized, you know, Like, it should be easy to find things, and I should know where they are.Also, like, my mind is too cluttered. Like, if something comes in, like, wow, I’m really not present. I have no idea where anything is. So it’s like, it reflects on me in that way and then how can I be so absent minded that I don’t know where something basic like this is? and yeah, it’s a reflect, It’s like forever looking for that thing. It’s like, How can I have lost track of that? how could it happen? and I guess maybe what else am I missing? if I can’t find that, what else is missing?And I could lose anything at any time. So what are your, what are your self judgments? You know, like I’m too disorganized, that kind of thing is the start. Like, does it intensify? What, what are some of the more intense, self judgments come in? yeah, I’m too scattered. I’m irresponsible. And also it’s an impossible job to keep, like, it’s such an important job and it’s also impossible to have a simple life, I want simplicity. 

So maybe that’s it too, like, I just want a simple house and Everything’s in its place and never have to worry.And, and the fact that I can’t do that. Oh. I guess that’s where the irresponsible and scattered. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That’s it. My mind as I’m thinking of my situation goes to like, I’m a failure kind of thing, you know, like, I just, I just can’t even, I can’t even put the mailbox key back after a simple walk to the mailbox. That’s what’s wrong with me, you know? So, yeah, I’m too scattered. This is what I wrote down for you. I’m too scattered. I’m irresponsible. Like that one really resonated for me. 

And then it’s an impossible job, right? There’s too many moving parts. That’s a great frustration thought. and it’s an important job.This is really important. We’ve just amplified the stress with that one. and then I want simplicity. I love it. I can’t do that. Like despite my best trying, these are gold here. These are really cool. these are the kinds of thoughts, any one of them, they’re so simple and they’re so charged and they’re so right on point of what I think is getting to the core of why losing, you know, a red pencil case or a mailbox key or whatever is so charged.And there may be more too. Like I think that thing I said, I’m still looking for it. What’s like, it’s almost like I can’t rest until I find it, you know, or I need to find it. There’s some thought in there too. Yes, absolutely. I need to find things that can’t go missing forever. Like not on my watch, you know, cause I was like, and then we’re getting into identity.I’m not the kind of person who loses things. So I need to find it to keep up being a responsible person. These thoughts are related. see how this is like, we’re starting to get some touch points here of what the thoughts are. 

And I always like to stop and just think about what we’re doing here on a meta level that we’re just brainstorming. with that feeling, you know, the feeling was. It’s like you said, you almost had a meltdown or like the crazy making feeling and then tracing that feeling to what are the thoughts that are connecting to it. What are the thoughts that are generating it? And it’s a very free form exercise.in this case, we might be judging someone else. There might be a judge or neighbor worksheet lurking in the wing somewhere. But at first thought, this is, I’m not seeing that. And so it’s just this free form, identification of what are the thoughts that are running in my brain. and then just write them down without. Any analysis, like, just don’t think about it too much. I was typing as much as I could of what you were saying and just free flow and then hear it and then ask yourself a few questions like, okay, what else or what more? Is that it? Is there something? Am I getting closer?Is there something else? Those kind of things will keep you looking and then identifying what’s the stressful part. 

Any one of these now could become a really sweet piece of work, right? I’m irresponsible, like yikes, or this is an impossible job or, I can’t do this, or I want simplicity, like, I need to find it. All of these, Super clear for questioning because why are they in such a good find these thoughts because they really connect to that feeling. Yes, that’s all I’m looking for. So that’s the handle like the feeling is the experience and then the handle is the thought or maybe it’s the other way around.I don’t know, but they’re they connect so well that when you’re doing the work, you can work the thought part and because it’s connected to the feeling that will start move the experience as well. Okay, so, so let’s just check in with everyone and see, is there any one that something else is coming up you want to focus on? maybe I should ask, Is there anyone else that’s like having a desire to do the work? Otherwise, we can just keep going and actually do the work on one of these statements. Okay, I see a lot of nodding heads. so if you’re willing, let’s pick one. Let me read the list back to you and you decide which one feels closest to that stressful feeling. 

Our house is way too messy. I need to find it right now. I’m too disorganized. I should know where it is. I should be able to keep on top of the house. I’m too scattered. I’m irresponsible. I think I’m irresponsible. Okay. Yeah. That one jumped out at me too when you first said it. So cool.You’re responsible. Simple self judgment. And the difference, you know, sometimes people are scared of questioning self judgments with the work. But the key to doing that is Well, first of all, any thought can be questioned, it’s just when you’re new to the work sometimes, you’re not fully understanding the spirit of inquiry, and you can end up, it can be confusing, and, yeah, so that’s why Byron Katie often recommends starting with judging other people, there are other reasons too, because judging other people will show you hidden parts of yourself that you’re not expecting, and that also can be, quite amazing.

But, The more mature you are in this practice, the more you can go absolutely anywhere and you can question absolutely anything. and so what allows us to work with a self judgment, what makes it most helpful is to have a really clear, specific situation in mind, which we have here. So we know exactly what we’re talking about. We’re not talking In the clouds. Oh, I’m just irresponsible in a big way. This is very specific with a red pencil case. So, first question, you are irresponsible. Is it true? and the situation is looking for this red pencil case. You’re, you’re, I think you said your son asked you for it and you couldn’t find it. And, and you’re just like starting to go crazy. So. You’re irresponsible. Is it true?Yes. In that moment, yes. Yes. Great. And can you absolutely know it’s true? You’re irresponsible is question two. 

No. So how do you react? What happens when you think this, believe this, feel this, that you’re irresponsible in that moment? It’s like the first thing is, I am trying so hard to keep on top of everything and I can’t, so it’s like that was my best, like my best job and I lose something so obvious. And so it feels like, so my body is completely tense and it’s like, the future is just like doing my best. I’m still losing this.It’s like, I’m going to lose a million things. I cannot keep track of things. So the future is like, not looking good. For being present, for being simple, for not losing important things, and the past is like how many things I’ve lost, how many times, and how dry, okay, let’s try and be more present, and it’s like, just this, like, that feeling of, like, doing my best and losing something so obvious means I, I, I’m not capable of this.And it’s so important. 

So I just feel like it’s so important that I find this red pencil case and I can’t, and we’re all in a rush and part of me knows it’s not important. So I’m kind of a war with myself. Like, okay, we can get it later. Maybe, but it’s like, no, but I. It can’t be missing. How can I have lost it? So I just get so lost in this world of the red pencil case, like it’s magnified everything this giant. And, and I will have these thoughts, like, I want to burn the house down, like, just don’t want to have anything in my life. And I look in every single thing I look at, in the house is a disaster, like, Oh no, look at all those coats there.I have no wonder we can’t find, and my mind goes to like, how can we fix this? How can we fix this? How can we have an easier life? And, I can’t find any solutions in that moment. And I just, it’s so upsetting. Like, I feel like I want to die, like, in that moment. Yeah. Go ahead. Okay. I’m just in the middle of it. Okay. so yeah, this is a lot of reaction that comes out. It’s huge. 

It’s so huge. Do you notice it in particular areas in your body by any chance? I think it’s like a hot, hot column and it’s a jittery, jittery feeling also. And my face definitely closes and I just, yeah, I feel like a live wire.And I mean, I make everybody wait while I’m scrambling around looking for things and my mind just completely, like I’m really hard to find, hard to focus on anything. It’s just like the pencil case is missing, the pencil case is missing. So anything else I’m looking for, my keys, my wallet on the way out the door is like It’s hard to find everything. And then, I think you may have covered this a bit, but how do you treat yourself, in that situation and then afterwards, even, when you think you’re irresponsible? Yeah, I’m so mad at myself. I just think that I’m incompetent and, afterwards it’s like, yeah, just that I don’t have, like, I can’t do basic things.

And I leap to myself as the cause of all of it, like it’s my fault. Like maybe my son put it somewhere else, but it’s like, it’s my fault. That also, I’m writing that one down too, because that’s also a, a one of these thoughts connected here to the situation. It’s my fault. And can be questioned just like this one. So okay, so imagine yourself now in the same situation, let’s go to question four, and imagine yourself, your son asked for this red pencil case. You don’t find it, it’s not, and then you just keep looking and still don’t find it. Who would you be without the thought that you’re irresponsible as you’re looking?Yeah, I wouldn’t take it on at all. 

I would just be helping him. It’s his pencil case, it’s not mine. and he’s not even that concerned about the pencil case in that moment. So I see, without the thought, it’s like I can see it’s his pencil case and yet it’s a much bigger problem for me than it is for him. And everything in that pencil case and everything about that situation is not important. so without the thought, I feel relaxed and I only have as much time to look for it as I have. Like I don’t need to for it all day. It’s like, he’s not even necessarily, he’s asking me the question, where is it? But he’s not even asking me, go find it or waiting for me to find it or anything. 

So I can just say, I don’t know.Yeah. So with the thought you’re irresponsible, it like becomes this quest and like all that jittery energy and, and everything. And, and without the thought, it’s sort of like, don’t know, Richard question. And it’s like funny, like just how did things disappear? It’s just such a mystery, like the pencil case, like how many places could it be? Like. Wow. It’s so, it’s, it’s like crazy in the fun way. Isn’t that amazing that all the Canadians joking about missing socks and it’s like, wow, it disappeared. It happened to us too. Yeah. 

Like things disappear, things appear, things disappear. It’s just like this miraculous thing going on. Like how the heck does this happen?Right. Yeah, so that’s the difference that a thought like this brings. It adds a stress level that isn’t there inherently in the situation. The situation is kind of neutral. The thought, I’m irresponsible, charges it up and brings it into a stressful experience, as you’ve seen so clearly. So that’s the power of a thought. I always remark on it and it just still always blows me away how one thought can change the whole situation. The whole experience, you know, like one drop of poison in the drink is enough to change the whole experience. Yes. So that’s it. So how do you turn the thought around? I’m irresponsible. 

I’m responsible. Okay. So even with this missing red pencil case, can you find examples of how you’re still responsible? still responsible because you’re not irresponsible. Yeah. In that situation, if he asked me for something I could give him, I totally would. If he said, can you get me a pen? Can you get me another pencil case? So I’m responsible in that. I’m there to help if I’ve given a, something I can do, I’m there for him in that moment. I want, like, I want to be responsible, I want to be helpful, so I’m, I’m responsible in, I’m responding to his questions, like, with running around, but I’m, I’m responding to what he’s asking for, and if it was just an easier question, I’d definitely be there. Mm hmm. Yeah, you’re, you’re showing up for duty, right?You’re responsible, it’s just that you don’t have an answer, that’s all. Yeah. Yeah. Mm hmm. And I’m, I do, you know, like I said, I’m doing my best. 

I mean, I, I do try and I probably clean the house more than anybody else. As far as putting things away, I try to have places where things go. so I’m responsible. I, I’m definitely trying, you know, to be responsible. Like I, it’s a, it’s a value I have of having the house be functional. So I’m responsible and. And E for effort, like I am trying, and people can find things sometimes when they can’t see them. I find them. Sometimes they’ll call me and I’ll go, okay, go to the third shelf and blah, blah, blah.It’s like, it’s there. So I’m responsible. I do know where things are sometimes. 

So what’s another turnaround? I’m irresponsible. my thinking is irresponsible. Okay, what could that mean? Well, it’s my thinking scattered to all these beliefs, all these stresses, all this future and past. It’s running around, being in this moment and Yeah, it’s focused on the pencil case, and it’s leaving the responsibility of staying sane. And so it’s, it’s leaving that responsibility and getting lost in the pencil case, pencil case, pencil case, thing. Sounds like you’re being responsible, but you’re being responsible for the pencil case. It’s not actually your duty, which is to stay sane.Yes. You know. Yes. Yes. I’m irresponsible and my thinking is irresponsible with, with what matters, you know, the things that matter. 

Things that I actually can, you know, things that I can control in some, some degree and things that are actually more important in some, in some regards. And I, and I mean, I’ve been thinking of, you know, how like little kids might be irresponsible. Like it’s, it’s like, wah, wah, wah. You know, my thinking’s irresponsible as a little kid, so when I become aware of it, it can be, you know, we’re not doing that whole, it’s like, not interested in responsibility. Interested in playing or, you know, running around. So what’s another turnaround when you’re irresponsible?I’m not irresponsible, or do you see It has a slightly different flavor than I’m responsible. 

So let’s play with I’m not irresponsible. Look at that meme. I guess, first of all, that it’s not that big of a deal, losing things, most things. And also sometimes when I, like one time my son, one time there was a wallet lost. It was, if he was a big part of losing this wallet, but I took it on me. Was like, I should never have given him that bag, even though he was the one that lost it though, ultimately.So I’m not irresponsible as like, it’s not, it’s not totally me. This is my son’s, this is my son’s pencil case. So often I’m beating myself up for things that other people have lost that I’ve had, that I’ve touched or been part of, so I’m not irresponsible. It’s like it’s not just me done this. Yeah, I like it. I’m part of it. It kind of leads into another turnaround, which is he’s irresponsible, you know, not that he’s irresponsible in a judgmental way, but how is it possible that it’s his responsibility as much as your responsibility or more so or something, right? Yes, and when I’m taking those other people’s responsibility on, A, it’s really heavy to bear and, and B, I, that I’m mad at them.Two, because of my own feelings of suffering, whereas instead of, it’s like, let me know how I can help your situation rather than be responsible for it, like you’re responsible for your pencil case. maybe I had a role in there and I’m interested in helping resolve, move on to the next step. Yeah. 

But ultimately he’s responsible for his pencil case, for what he needs for school, for how he treats his possessions, So I’m not responsible for everybody else. It’s a lot harder to be responsible if I’m trying to be responsible for everybody. Then it’s, if that’s, that’s where that feeling of crazy making that you mentioned at the very beginning comes from, it’s like, oh my God, it’s too much.Like, I can’t do that because the, that applies to me taking responsibility for all the, you know, all the people or even just one son and all of the things that are moving around in that situation. So, yeah, that’s, that. It’s just really nice to bring this turnaround in. It’s like he is. irresponsible. If he lost the pencil case, then it’s also true that he’s irresponsible. 

It’s not a bad thing, but it’s just not my job or not as like, if it’s my job, it’s in a supporting role, not as like the center.So we could play even with another turnaround. And I wasn’t expecting so many turnarounds to come out of this simple statement. But another one is like, I’m too responsible. Sort of similar to what we were just saying. Yes, to me, what that brings up is, I’m not just responsible for his pencil case, I’m responsible for how he feels about not having it.So, I’m too responsible, I immediately am like, they’re upset, or they’re gonna feel bad, and I want them to be happy. especially if they lose, like, my daughter losing her earrings, she’s so upset about them. And I’m like, okay, earrings, and I don’t want her to be unhappy and I’m taking that on and then I’m feeling terrible because she won’t get happier. So I’m too responsible. I add in an extra layer of responsibility that’s much more than the pencil case. It’s really about their emotional state, how they’re feeling about the lost object, how everyone in my family is feeling about it. that’s what makes this too much. 

That’s what. Puts it over the top.It’s not just a red pencil case. This is what can make you feel like you want to have a meltdown, when it happens, because there’s so much burden on there. and it’s really like, I’m too responsible or over responsible. Like it’s, it’s kind of brings up that idea of my business, your business, that Byron Katie often talks about. Okay. Well, it’s my responsibility to take care of my business, whatever that is. I have to be really careful to define what is actually my business and where am I getting into their business of like, I want them to be happy and that’s not really up to me. I mean, I can be a good parent, but then there’s certain things that has to happen from their side.and so just noticing the difference, right? where’s my responsibility end? And then it becomes a finite world instead of an infinite world that I can never manage. And it’s always going to be too much for me. Thank you. That’s really great. Because that is what I’m more upset about than the pencil case, is how he’s feeling about it. Like, you know, it’s him not having his pencil case and oh, he feels bad about it. 

And that’s the part that’s really crushing. Exactly, exactly. It can even get tied into like a mistaken idea of what it means to be a parent or something. Like, I’m responsible for their happiness. Like, yes, no, I’m responsible for certain things, but I’m not responsible for everything. Right. and just seeing bits and pieces of that brings it back down to a more manageable kind of job, manageable role. So this is great. The case of the red pencil case. very helpful. So, thank you so much for sharing it, and, both the process of narrowing down what to work on, and then also working through it. Really, very helpful. In this episode, we looked at how to find the thought that’s stressing you when you’ve misplaced something.So in this case, the participant is a student. was looking for that, that little, case, pencil case, and it was, there were a number of different thoughts that were running for her, including, I’m irresponsible. 

You can see how we started with brainstorming, lots of different thoughts, like, I’m irresponsible. You know, this is an impossible job, I can’t rest until I can find it, it’s my fault, and so on and so forth. So, that first process of identifying the stressful thought is always the starting point for doing the work of Byron Katie. Then we also looked at the meditative way of questioning your stressful thoughts so that you could experience empowerment and freedom again.And that is through these four questions and turnarounds of the work of Byron Katie. These point you back to yourself. These questions point you home again. And that’s where empowerment lies. And then finally, we saw how a participant was able to turn her story around completely. And it’s not just on an intellectual level, but on an experiential. So thank you for listening, and I hope you have a great rest of your day.