How Highly Sensitive People Can Cope With a Child’s Emotional Pain Without Getting Overwhelmed

Client: Um, it’s another piece of work on my [00:04:00] middle child. The situation is last night, um, just before bed, talking with my husband about, um, this big episode of. Just total sort of dysregulation that my, that son experienced a few days ago. And, um,

my, my husband shares with me some things that my son said in the middle of that while I was with my other children. Um, and this was after sort of two hours of, of him in panic and chaos, running and throwing things and, um. So he was in a really heightened, sort of triggered state and he was pulling at his hair and, um,

saying things like, I can’t stand my life. And he was speaking about a [00:05:00] brother. He said either he has to die or I do, and I don’t care which one, I don’t care who it is. I just have to end this. And, um. So that was one phrase. There were others, and I have the thought he experiences too much pain for a kid his age.

Todd: Hmm.

Client: He’s 13. Just turned.

Todd: So that’s the one you like to question? Yeah. He experiences too much pain for a kid his age. That, is that what you said?

Client: Yeah. Okay.

Todd: So is that true? Experiences. Too much pain for a kid his age.

Client: Yes.

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true. The experiences. Too [00:06:00] much pain for a kid his age.

Client: No.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you think that he experiences too much pain for a kid his age?

Client: Just right now recalling that, I feel just kind of this flood of heat and tension, um, in my head, kind of up my spine. I see the moment [00:07:00] my husband described it where they were sitting on the kitchen floor and I

see my son as I had seen him just pulling out his hair and his face panicked, and so there’s just all these images of

those. Moments in those few hours and

feel, um, just kind of frozen, just like my nervous system turned on. And, um.

Stunned and confused, like kind of just in, I feel like I’m in shock in a way. I[00:08:00]

feel very ungrounded and um,

many moments with him. I can. Um, move towards him. I can, um, support and as I’m hearing this from my husband and I just feel like

helpless,

like I’ve lost any sense of myself and like any. Connection of, of love or how to like any way to relate. I feel just cut off,[00:09:00]

feel really alone.

Todd: And how do you treat yourself when you think that he experiences too much pain for a kid his age.

Client: I feel like a victim of life.

I mean, I have this physical sensation in my heart that feels so dramatic. It feels like tearing. Um, I feel like life is giving us too much and giving this boy too much, and

yeah, I just feel like a [00:10:00] victim, like, like, God, why did, why is he, why does he have to go to this place? I think of all the other. Kids I know and their challenges in his class, but I, I believe that nobody else, his age feels like this. I mean, no one that we know, like we’re the ones who are going through something so hard and it’s just too much.

So I, I feel, let’s see. I treat myself like.

Like life isn’t supporting me, or I don’t know if that’s how I treat myself. I believe that life isn’t supporting me.

Life shouldn’t let this kid fall into a pit that deep.[00:11:00]

I feel like it we’re, there’s really no way out like it. We’ve gone to like, we’re beyond. Help or, or correction or

like this, I, I guess I believe that he’s, this experience he has is like a wound that’s too deep.

I forecast into the future like, oh my God, what is this kid gonna feel as a teenager or as a young adult? He’s already feeling something like this at this age, you know? Gosh, I just, I, I feel terrified of a future.[00:12:00]

Todd: Yeah.

And that what the mind does build on the images of what he, what his reactions are. Now and then imagine them to be even more or worse as he gets older. Right,

Client: right.

Yeah. He’s still in a small body. He like, I can’t imagine when he’s full grown. Yeah. I, uh.

I feel terrified for him or for people around him. I’m terrified. He’s gonna hurt people. It’s gonna hurt himself. Right. [00:13:00] It feels like a nightmare in my mind. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. Like I said, there’s, it seems like there’s no way out, right? So

Client: yeah. It feels like too much damage has been done or something. Mm-hmm. Like there’s something at such a core, like underneath all of his day-to-day, like when it erupts, like this feeling is so, um, unreachable. We, I, we can’t even. Reach him there.

Todd: So does this thought affect how you treat him in any way, even in your mind when you think he experiences too much pain for a kid his age?[00:14:00]

Client: Well, I, I can see how we, um,

we, I often carefully step around.

Issues with him, whether it’s just chores or whether it’s conversations about his peers or I,

I’m very scared of, um, triggering something that will cause this kind of reaction where he loses himself.

So I noticed that [00:15:00] I often, I’m surprised by his strong moments or his resilience and I’m always kinda like, oh yeah, wow, okay. Sometimes he can handle it, but I, I often believe that he can’t, or I’m scared. I feel I treat him as emotionally fragile.

Yeah.

Todd: Yeah.

Okay. So who would you be without the thought that he experiences too much pain for a kid his age and hold that moment when your husband was telling you that he had said. Either my brother has to die or I do it, you know, and I don’t care. But this has to end. Who would you be without the thought that he experiences too much pain for a [00:16:00] kid his age?

Client: I notice I have still this, uh. Kind of intense feeling in my chest. The sensation that’s like just I, I feel my heart beating. It’s like all the sensations around my heart feel just like, um, front and center. And

I can feel that without fear or without kind of flinching [00:17:00] around it.

Like there’s a way in which

a whole inside of my chest feels kind of raw and exposed or open. I guess it feels open, but it’s,

there’s a stillness with that, that I can just notice how intense that feeling is.

Yeah, there’s a real quiet, kind of like a, a dense silence in me that is just watching. It’s watching what’s happening in me and [00:18:00] it’s, it’s seeing in my mind, seeing my son,

seeing his face and his body and the tension when he’s screaming. And I.

I can just watch that with, um,

God, just like a stillness.

My mind isn’t in the future or the past. I’m just

really present.[00:19:00]

I’m paying attention as if I’m being shown something.

Yeah. Without that thought, I just am noticing this is what it feels like to be him right now. Like just now. Not every moment of every day, but this is, this is sort of like the magnitude of, of, of an emotional experience that he’s having. And

yeah, it’s so strange that there’s just really nothing else

going on [00:20:00] in me.

Like no assessment or no future planning, or like, oh, what does this mean and what are our next steps and how can we support him? Or there’s just, there’s not even any of that, which are, those are like fair questions maybe for other moments, but it’s just not even there.

Todd: Yeah. That thought too much. This is too much pain for a kid this age that pushes to, oh my God, I better do something and I don’t know what to do.

And, and yeah, that kind of, right. Yeah,

Client: yeah, yeah. There’s the judgment in it. It’s too much. And without that thought, it’s just,

just witness.

Like I, I, this often [00:21:00] happens in inquiry where I look at him in a moment like that without the thought, and I just become, I feel like a biologist and I’m observing a wild animal. Mm-hmm. And it, this, this comes over and over and like.

In this moment, I see him as like, this is like a lion roaring or something. Like if I were a biologist, I would be watching just in awe and at the, the force of this being this creature, like expressing his experience.

I never judge that in nature. You know, I never say that animal should really tone it down. That animal shouldn’t act like that. I never, I never think that, you know, birds do what they do, lion do what they [00:22:00] do. You know, monkeys do what they do and I can just see like.

He’s roaring right now.

Like there’s, there’s God. It’s like

there’s such an aliveness to him in that moment. There’s so much energy. Even though his words are saying like,

somebody has to die.

I can’t, I can’t live like this. He’s so alive. When he says it,

like really? Like it’s turned up, you know, times a hundred. From many other everyday [00:23:00] moment, like, this kid is really alive.

Todd: Yeah. The mind gets caught on. The word someone has to die. Right? And so you think it’s all about death, but what I’m, what you’re saying here is that it’s really at a extreme aliveness experience here. Uh, so much energy.

Client: Yeah. Yeah. And this kid has, he, it’s like he drinks from the fire hose of life, you know, like things come through him with a blast.

You know, other kids can get a trickle or whatever. It’s manageable and

experiences in move through him with such force and. Yeah. If I’m not believing that that’s gonna be the end of him or the end of us, or that that’s [00:24:00] injurious or dangerous or something, then it’s just like, wow.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So turn the thought around. Experiences. Too much pain for a kid his age.

Client: Well, he doesn’t experience too much pain for a kid his age.

Todd: Okay. Could that be as true or truer?

Client: Hmm.[00:25:00]

Well, I guess I see like he’s. It’s still alive. I mean it,

I don’t even know if I could say it’s harming him.

He went to bed, he woke up just like his brothers, just like the rest of us, like he’s.

He’s alive, he’s unharmed. No one got injured. Like, and even then, I wouldn’t know if that would mean too much pain. I, he doesn’t experience too much pain.[00:26:00]

I mean, I guess I could, I don’t know if this is like an example on a turnaround. Tell me Todd, but when I think about other kids his age or younger, like in, in the whole vast experience of humanity, what I know other I. Kids or what I hear other kids are going through. I just think of any child in Gaza, any child who’s lost their parent, any child who’s like suffered.

You know, there’s, there’s countless other stories of pain in every age.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

That’s, it’s good ’cause it puts it in perspective of the whole. A range of pain that can be experienced and

Client: yeah, like starting at birth and I mean the shocks to the nervous system and the abandonment, the aloneness that, [00:27:00] that it could feel an infancy or the sort of.

We can interpret anything as painful at any age. Yeah, like I guess, yeah, there’s this whole narrative of kids should feel safe and happy and that seems like a nice idea, but I just see the reality is they feel the range of things like everyone else, like throughout the whole lifespan. It’s like we can all feel anything.

Todd: Kids are no different than any of us. We can’t, no one can make us feel different than the way we feel. And they can provide a perfectly safe environment and the kid can feel pain. Um,

Client: yeah. Yeah, actually, I remember that well. As a child, I felt really offended when I would hear adults say like, oh, you’re a kid.

You don’t have to worry about this. And I felt like, [00:28:00] look. I got things to worry about too, my life. Not easy. I have a dentist appointment next week and I’m terrified, you know? Mm-hmm. Like whatever it was was like, was real to me as anything else. And it was belittling to think that children wouldn’t have sort of like the range of emotion or the intensity.

Yeah, like the experience. Anything less.

Todd: Exactly. He

Client: doesn’t experience anything less and.

He doesn’t experience too much pain for a kid his age.

I can also see that in some ways he’s like ahead of the, he’s ahead of the curve, you know, like he’s gonna hit his teenage years and I don’t know, he’s already experienced. Emotions that like just can totally rock your world, which some people experience in as teenagers or [00:29:00] as young adults, you know, out in the world or something, like their security is shaken and he’s mm-hmm.

He’s living with that now and has been for a while, quite a while. And

Todd: yeah, that could strengthen him. That could be like a. Like an almost a immunization of that. Like just build, building up an ability to handle pain, if you will.

Client: Yeah. Yeah. Really. I can see that. Like it won’t take in by surprise, perhaps in the way that other, it might.

Right. For other people, they grow up

Todd: right

Client: where they go along thinking everything’s just. Fine, and they’re safe and they have no worries. And then something happens, a breakup or they flunk out of college or whatever, and their world gets rocked and it [00:30:00] comes as a surprise. And

Todd: yeah, that’s what happened to me.

I, I thought I had just a perfect childhood, and then my parents divorced when I was 15 and I was like. And then it just tumbled from there. Yeah. And it took me a long time to, to find myself, so he may be ahead of the curve. It’s interesting.

Client: Yeah, it is interesting, like if, I don’t know if it, it’s, if it’s, if it’s true, but there I feel some comfort in like, okay, well if what he’s going through now somehow prepares him for the rest of his life, like.

If that feels worth it Also, because here, here he is at an age where we can still hold him as best we can or create this like safe place for him as much as we can. Like here’s just a loving home and [00:31:00] we’re just doing everything we can to. Support him and once he would leave the house or be off on his own, like we couldn’t offer that.

So like I can just feel that as a parent, I’m glad I can be here when he experiences this.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. And how do you know exactly what he is experiencing?

Client: Yeah.

I don’t, it’s so strange ’cause I have such a physical experience that feels familiar to me and yet I can’t know what his experience is.

Todd: We’re all different. We don’t know. For him that may be pain. It may be. It may be strong, [00:32:00] but for someone watching it, like if it was me watching it, I might be really tuned into that and think that that’s, if I were acting that way, I would have to be feeling over the top, like beyond, over the top to the degree.

So, but for another person, they just, that’s just normal or that’s not as bad as what? I would imagine it to be. So it’s all relative, right? The only observation we can make is from our own eyes, from our own experience. So

Client: yeah,

Todd: it doesn’t experience too much pain for kids his age. We don’t know for sure.

We don’t know. That’s like, it might feel like relief to him. Who knows? It might not, but just that little. Don’t know can put me back in [00:33:00] more observation mode than panic mode.

Client: Yeah.

I know that for myself,

saying the thing that scares me the most or that hurts the most, there is relief in it. Like, I mean, that’s what I love about inquiry. It’s like you just bring. The worst, you know, or like the most painful. You don’t clean it up. This isn’t like any positive self-talk. It’s just like, here’s the worst that I can think or feel in this moment.

Like, here’s the most painful, and, and that is like the place to or freedom can be found. Yeah. So,

Todd: so he is, he could be doing his. Kind of form of inquiry. It’s not too different from what we do here is bring our dirty laundry and just rant about it a little [00:34:00] bit. We do it in a little bit more contained environment, uh, but it’s not that different.

And like you just said it, there’s, there’s a feeling of relief or release that sometimes comes with that. Not always, but sometimes.

Client: Totally. Yeah. I mean, after, after an episode like that, he’s soft and. Open. Really open.

Todd: Yeah. It’s not holding anything in. There’s, I’ve always admired people like that that can just, uh, let it out and it’s ugly, but they don’t hold it in.

It’s like they’re clean somehow inside. Once they’ve. Gotten it out. It may, it may cause some issues with others, but that’s on us. Right. I

Client: feel like, oh, we always have this repair work to do in relationships for sure. And the rest of us are, you know,

Todd: and some of us have like really good relationships and it’s all like inside.

Client: Yeah. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. I [00:35:00] mean, it’s interesting just to see.

Is the energy really that different or do we just sort of hold onto it differently? I don’t even know, but

he doesn’t experience too much pain for a kid his age.

Yeah. We just. Experiences, whatever it is he does. And you’re right, that I can’t know, and this is just the way of it. And without judgment, it’s just what it is. Just a lion roaring. A lion roaring.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Okay. Yeah.

Todd: A lion in a 13-year-old body roaring.

Client: Yep.

Todd: Yeah. So, I know we’re getting short on time, but just, uh, turn around to yourself.

The statement as well. He experiences too much pain for a kid his [00:36:00] age.

Client: I experienced too much pain for a kid my age.

Todd: Mm-hmm.

Client: Yeah.

Yeah, I totally do because I.

I kind of, I take everything that he’s experiencing or my other children and I, I feel like I’m feeling it along with them. Sometimes I think, God, I already went through this myself. I already went through junior high, and now I’m like doing it over again. Like, why am I doing this? It’s not enough the first time.

Yeah.

It is so hard to like disentangle and I don’t know if this is, if all I can say is as a mother, ’cause that’s my [00:37:00] experience. It’s so hard to tease out what is mine and what is theirs

and

when I can be present. There’s so much space and I can let them have their experience and I can just be open for it all. And when I don’t have my story, it’s just like, there’s nothing but openness and that feels so much better than when I’m in my story. Any, any bit of it. It’s way too much pain for me to.

To carry, to go through and to still try to show up in my family. It’s just way too much.

Todd: Mm-hmm. And sometimes it may not be clear, [00:38:00] but it’s certainly worth asking or, or yeah. Asking like, which, which part of this is my pain? Which part is his pain? And. Then just keep that open-ended question because some may be just my pain.

Um, and some may be yeah, his pain and, but sometimes it gets all mixed together and then exaggerated and then it’s all put on him, and then the mind goes to extremes of like how this is totally terrible.

Client: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I heard Katie say last week on a podcast we’re Anytime we are in fear, we’re just a little child, and I see that in this turnaround.

I experience too much pain for a kid my age, it’s just like way too much. Like I could just, I feel that like I’m being [00:39:00] a mother to myself, like, honey, that is just too much. Just let, don’t worry about that.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Go to school or something, you know,

Todd: deal with that when you’re a teenager right now, just be a kid

Client: to deal with that.

All the stress that I have. So true.

Todd: Yeah, I love that option. How to just mother yourself. You may need as much mothering as your kid.

Client: Oh man. Yeah. That’s the truth. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for that.