How to Manage Conflicting Views
Without Overwhelm

By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to maintain internal balance when your desire to connect conflicts with the values you stand for.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover how the mind gets stuck trying to choose between friendship and holding your values. How interfering thoughts make it impossible to find a healthy balance. And how to expand the mind to see a greater perspective where this conflict can be resolved. Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays.

You bring your questions and stressful situations, and I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so that you can experience the open session just as we did. I was doing the work on a friend of mine that I was with, and it was kind of around environmentally wasteful, was something like that.

One of the, what I had without the thought was, I would just enjoy myself with her. Like I’d enjoy the drive, I’d enjoy the, whatever stuff she does that’s not good for the environment. And so one thing that I noticed, and I’m not sure if this is a belief or if this is more confusion.

One thing I noticed is, well, I can’t, that’s, that’s a spiritual bypass or that’s a cop out to allow yourself to enjoy something that’s wrong. And so I don’t know if that’s more like, I just got to go back to what is bad for the environment, questioning that, or just my role, you know, if she was, doing something that was clearly wrong, like beating somebody up, it would be like easy for me to not participate.

But if she’s driving a short distance when we could walk, you know, should I be like, well, we should not, you know, I don’t approve of driving. But it feels like that’s what I’m doing. I’m condoning bad behavior. If I allow myself to just enjoy the world the way it is, like, There’s a lot of environmentally bad things that I really enjoy.

And I modify my life a certain amount in keeping with my values. And then there’s lots I can’t control, but that line between where’s my responsibility and where’s me just like. Too bad can’t do anything about it. I’ll get to enjoy this great thing. Yeah. Yeah. It’s always a question. It’s always a question.

It’s a great question. So, you know, like we’re looking, what are we doing when we’re doing the work? Like, what would you say when you’re, when you’re doing the work, what is the purpose of that? You know, questioning this thought she’s environmentally wasteful. And turning it around. What is the purpose of that?

In that situation, it was feeling a little bit of a lack of connection with my friend and some judgment of my friend. So I guess my purpose was to see if I could clear some of that stuff up. Maybe I had a motive to like have an easier friendship. I’m doing the work.

What’s going on? Why am I not feeling at ease with this? Friend, what’s the distance? I suppose that’s why I was doing the work right then was to find that blockage. So in that situation, you’re looking, it was about the connection with your friend, right? That’s what brought you to doing the work.

And when you started doing the work and explored who you’d be without the thought. She’s environmentally wasteful. I heard you say that you’d be enjoying yourself and sounds like it would be moving back towards connection with your friend, right? So that’s the only purpose of doing the work in that situation.

But then the mind goes, yeah, but there’s this environmental problem and there’s this right and wrong behavior. And there’s a whole issue. So they’re like two different dimensions, in the dimension of connection with your friend. The more you start going down the road of her being environmentally wasteful and seeing it as a judgmental thing, like she’s bad, then it causes disconnection from your friend.

And when you question that thought and sort of play with who you would be without it, it brings the connection back again. Like the heart connects again. And then on the other dimension, just the opposite. So when I see someone being environmentally wasteful, and for me, that’s something that I want to take a stand against, want to be active against, then there’s a urge to say something and do something, to stay within my integrity.

With what I how I see the world to do what feels right for me to do and so when you Question the thought she’s environmentally wasteful. It feels like you’re forgetting your responsibility to yourself to be An upstanding citizen of the world if you will. So this thought carries weight in two different worlds.

It carries weight in the friendship connection world, and it carries weight in the like, Staying within your integrity world, when dealing with people. So that makes it tricky, right? That makes it harder when you’re trying to find balance. And for me, the work is only about that. It’s about trying to find balance and some balances are one dimensional balances and some are like multi dimensional balances.

Like you think of a, a mobile that’s hangs down from the ceiling, you know, with all those different balancing things, like there’s a lot of different dimensions where balance. Is happening at the same time. And it, and it can be that, that subtle, or even complex when sitting with this. So how would you, is there any way when you think about it this way that you could find a balance with your integrity and your environmental interests and at the same time find a balance with your desire to have connection with your friend.

Is there any way that that could balance out for you?

I guess one thing that comes to me is, sometimes I don’t want to talk about my choices, like I deliberately underplay my environmentalism because I’m afraid that she’s gonna feel guilty. or judge me for it.

I think maybe sometimes maybe there’s also a belief if I enjoy what she does, it’s going to, it’s going to model environmental wastefulness as well, or something like that. So it, to me, it’s this, maybe how am I, how do I show up as authentically someone who really cares? about the environment without, making her feel bad. So I kind of do, it’s all twisted, I guess, this sort of secret judging, but not wanting to judge. And then if I show off, it shows how clearly I am judging, you know.

So it’s, I guess there’s probably still areas where I’m needing her approval or judging her, or wanting to set a good example. Things like that, that are kind of interfering with the connection. Interfering with doing this double balancing where you’re balancing with the connection and also balancing with your integrity and your desire to be environmental.

So yeah, I think you found some really good thoughts in there. Like she’s going to feel guilty if I talk about the environment or she’s going to judge me. For it if I talk about the environment or, if I enjoy it, it’s going to model environmental wastefulness. So those three thoughts could be great to question because they’re like extra weights that got thrown on the balance scale.

And so now the whole thing is just hanging in a really weird position. It’s not able to balance. Naturally. I always believe that there’s a way to balance anything. You may have to go to a really deep level where, everything meets at some point, but there’s always a way. I believe I just have to look for it there must be a way where I could be in my integrity and remain connected. It must be a way that I could be environmentally active and kind and understanding to someone who isn’t. There must be a way, right? But thoughts get in the way and they cloud it.

So if you like, we could do a little bit of work on one of those thoughts if you’d like to. Yeah. Okay. So let me read them off and you can tell me which one feels closer for you. She’s going to feel guilty if I talk about the environment to her. She’s going to judge me for it, or if I enjoy the connection, it’s going to model environmental wastefulness.

Yeah, let’s do that last one. Okay. So you’re, driving in the car with your friend and if you just let your guard down and forget about your environmental interests for a little bit, it’s going to model environmental wastefulness. Is that true?

Yes. And can you absolutely know it’s true? It’s going to model environmental wastefulness if you enjoy it. No. So how do you react? What happens when you believe this, or think this, that it’s going to model environmental wastefulness if you enjoy this and don’t think about your environmental ideas for a bit?

It’s a stiffness, like, like I can’t look, like I can’t, I can’t. It’s so, it’s so crazy because it’s like I can’t show that I’m enjoying myself. And I can’t show that I’m not, so I have to put on a fake enjoyment instead of the real one.

Yeah. Okay. Keep going. How else do you react? Model environmental wastefulness. Yeah. I mean, we’re in her car, we’re going to all these wineries and it’s just beautiful outside. And I’m just like, Oh, so wasteful. Like I, I’m, I’m, I just have to kind of like, I can’t enjoy it. I can’t enjoy all of it because then it’s, yeah, then it’s okay.

Then, then I’m, so what I’m, I’m believing it. I just, I can’t enjoy it, but I don’t know what to do. So then I just sort of settle for some self blame, I guess that like, look at you doing this.

And, it’s yeah, it’s really that stiffness that setting apart of her of me from the experience as well. And there’s some past future of. Past I just see, you know, anything she’s ever thrown out or I hear her comments. She knows I’m Environmentally minded and she’ll make comments and I see this past of oh my gosh She’s done all this terrible stuff.

And then I see this future of Just how bad everything is and how bad everything’s going to be. And here I am just like sipping wine, you know, at the top of the mountain or whatever. So I see that future and I feel bad about that future. And, it just feels like it feels wrong, but with no right path, I can’t see the what would be the right thing to do because the only right thing to do seems to be to just, you know, be like finger wagging or not go.

I wanted to spend the day with her. And so it just feels like there’s no right path. And so I can’t, at least I can just not enjoy this one. Right. That’ll make up for it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Okay. So you describe it so clearly. How you react when you believe this thought that’s going to model environmental wastefulness.

Who would you be without that thought that if you enjoy your time with your friend, that it’s going to model environmental wastefulness. Who would you be?

Well, the first thing I feel like, I’m real and I’m with her. Do I think I’m like God, with the thought, it’s like, okay. So important what I think and model like that’s what matters to the world and to her and without the thought it’s like I’m just living like I’m just free and this is one time and this is not it doesn’t become my job anymore to educate her every moment of the day.

That arrogance is sort of gone of that being my job and that being that I would even know what my job should be. So with that arrogance gone, it feels much more playful and fun to be with her.

And I give her more respect for her making her own decisions. And she’s seen plenty of things that I’ve said and done over my life. It’s not going to change so much this fact that I enjoy myself when I’m with her. So it feels playful and I feel just more respect for her and how she makes decisions and her choices.

And how do you see your own environmental, interests and awareness? Like, how do you see that, as well, if you’re not thinking that if you enjoy this, you’re going to model environmental wastefulness?

I see in this case, we’re, going to local restaurants and drinking local winery, and, I see in this particular case, it’s not really that bad. It’s not so out of balance with my values. And so I sort of feel like I can just keep my eyes open. To what’s around me, maybe I’ll see something that I want to do that feels good, you know, but right now I see from what we’re actually doing right now. There’s a lot of things that I really value and that I think are good, you know, where we are and what we’re doing that is in line with my values for the world.

So how would you turn the thought around? If you enjoy it, it’s going to model environmental wastefulness. Well, if I don’t enjoy it, it’s going to model environmental wastefulness in a way is like At least enjoy it. like, you know, that it’s wasteful to just have something and not appreciate it, not enjoy it.

So if I don’t enjoy it, it’s going to model environmental wastefulness. It’s not getting the most out of life and experience what’s this whole trip for, for nothing if I don’t enjoy it. Right, right. It’s like your friend is a part of the environment. she is a part of your environment.

And it’s a waste, it’d be wasteful to, to not enjoy it. yes. And it also models environmental wastefulness. If I don’t enjoy it, it’s like if you’re somewhere so beautiful and you’re not appreciating the beauty of it. It’s like, oh, we don’t care about that. Like, we don’t care about, I don’t care about the environment.

I don’t care about the way the vineyards look or the sunset. I’m modeling a disconnection from beauty and from trees. If I don’t enjoy it, I’m modeling that, rather than appreciation for the environment, for her, for the community, for the surroundings. no, I’m not modeling wonder and love and excitement.

Right. Which is all contagious. You know, that’s the kind of thing that people get excited about. and yeah. So it’s like, no, what are you actually modeling there? Like I can’t enjoy anything. I’m just going to stay in my little straight jacket. it’s not the same as modeling. If you don’t enjoy it, you’re going to model environmental wastefulness.

Right. Accurate turnaround. Yeah. Okay. is there another turnaround? If I enjoy it, it’s going to model environmental wastefulness.

Any chance you want to help me out with the turn? I don’t know if there is one, but let’s take a look. if I enjoy it, it’s not going to model environmental wastefulness. How’s that possible?

Enjoying the meal she cooks for me or, or us going out versus her saying, let’s go cut down trees. if I enjoy it, I’m not going to model environmental wastefulness is like, I just keep my eyes open. And if we do something that really feels bad after this, we’re going to go burn tires. Like then I can, I can say, no, I don’t want to do that.

So it’s like I just keep my eyes open and I’m so far, we’re never doing something that’s my, you know, if I sit in a, she gets a new couch and I sit in her new couch and I enjoy it. She’s not asking me to buy the couch or whatever. So, it’s not modeling environmental wastefulness because I’m not being, we’re not talking about the decision point for those things.

We’re not doing that together. All we’re doing together is the experience, which in itself, with my eyes open, I see is not, this isn’t, that’s not environmentally wasteful. I don’t have to betray my, things. So, it doesn’t model that because that’s not what we’re doing.

We’re eating, we’re drinking, we’re talking, we’re together. We’re not choosing, she’s not asking me to do something that I don’t agree with. It’s almost a case of my business, her business. Like where, where, where does your business begin and end and where, like, and the difference between decision making point, like at that kind of a conversation versus an enjoyment point where that decision making has already been made, like, where do you see the line between your business and her business and all of it?

It’s really like, it’s almost the point at which I say, yes. to do an experience with her. Does this feel, am I in support of Kelly’s life that I’m about to jump into? do I want to go for dinner and if we have some kind of food that’s whatever, I’m willing to eat it?

If I’m not, Don’t do it. So it’s like kind of being authentic I guess I am a person who is okay with eating that because I chose to say yes knowing that might happen. So not putting it on her The authenticity is open my eyes know what’s happening.

See it and if I need to question in advance, but Once I committed to it, it’s, I I’ve chosen it. So I’m not modeling. It’s kind of like, that’s where am I going to be her friend? You know, am I, it’s kind of like, really, if I’m really serious about this. That’s what it would mean. And is, is that, is that what I mean?

Is that really what is the right thing for me? And if it’s not the right thing for me, then it’s kind of, then the judgment doesn’t have a place because I’ve already chosen that this is what I, I am going to do this. I do want to be part of this. Yeah, yeah. It reminds me of, of being with family or being with people that, that have different viewpoints or different experiences.

And it’s just, I do my thing. It may be different than what they do. And we can discuss from time to time, but there isn’t a lot of enthusiasm or it doesn’t look like they’re going to jump over and become on my side kind of thing. And so I can just be in my business, which is, this is sort of where I stand and I can still be with other people that are.

Have different values And it’s not a thing for me, I do my thing, but I don’t it’s not a thing this is Downtime, i’m not being an activist in that moment. i’m relaxing with people that I care about. So yeah, it’s very interesting to play with this, the, different dimensions where we started, right?

Different, areas, and they come together in a situation like this. So having some awareness of them can give options for being peaceful and still being in one’s integrity, being connected, and still being yourself. anything more on this for you in terms of, I like that word sort of vacation as in,

As in, it’s not my job to police the world. And, if I think it is, I can question that. And if there’s something that’s uneasy with me, let me question it before I start, And then that lets me feel authentic as to my choice and what I’m doing. So I don’t have to bring it in the middle of the experience.

Right, right. Like there might be some extreme points where it’s like, this is too much. I can tolerate, or I can be okay with, and just not mind because it’s not really my business anyway. I’m not controlling the other person, but I’m still aware of where my values are, but I’m kind of there on a little bit of reprieve or vacation while I’m just focusing more on the connection.

And then in other situations, I may be more, vocal about my beliefs when I’m in a situation where others are interested, or I’m able to make some contribution in that way. And not to say that can’t happen with a friend too, but. You know, like there’s an easiness in there as well. Like the priority is the friendship in that case. I also just like to see, and I feel like I learned this more with the work more and more is when there’s ambiguity, my mind is like, Oh no, you’re selling out. But I know if it wasn’t ambiguous, I wouldn’t like, just to see that example of the trees or the tires or whatever, it’s like, No, but it would be clear when it’s clear.

Yeah. When I’m in ambiguity, that’s just means there’s something going on and. You know, can check it out. I think a big part of this process of doing the work is becoming friends with ambiguity, becoming friends with opposites coexisting together and not being fully resolved and somehow still being okay.

Like that takes a certain kind of openness to be able to be with that. because the mind would like to just make it one or the other, like you’re with me or against me, or I’m going to, you know, that’s the quote unquote easy way, but doesn’t always work, but this is like a real sitting with.

Opposites and there is that little bit of discord floating in and out, you know, there’s a little bit of discord, like that’s interesting, like coexistence of opposites, really. it requires an expansion of awareness. And I think that’s where this work tends to point me as to just how can I expand.

Like I was saying, there’s, I think there’s always a way for these opposites to somehow balance out with each other. And I think that is dependent on how broad my awareness can be when I’m looking at it. And the broader it is, I can, I can have everything in this world, good, bad, and ugly, sitting, in my awareness and even be taking action in certain regards and still being at peace with what I can’t control and the contradictions that come up in all of it.

So yeah, this is really very interesting piece of work. So thank you. In this episode, we looked at how the mind gets stuck trying to choose between something like friendship and holding onto your own values. And how these interfering thoughts make it impossible to find that healthy balance.

There’s thoughts on both sides. There’s values on both sides. There’s a value for connection. There’s a value for taking care of the environment. And these cause a kind of conflict. But it’s the thoughts that are causing the conflict. And then we saw how to expand the mind to see a greater perspective where this conflict can be resolved.

And this is always on the level of opening to the possibility that these opposites could coexist in the same space.

So thanks for being with us. And I love doing the work with you. Appreciate you listening. And I look forward to another time when we can continue this process of exploration together. In the meantime, have a wonderful day.