How to Reduce the Emotional Impact of Criticism Through Inner Work as an HSP

 By the end of this episode, you’ll learn how to soften the sting of criticism as an HSP, and how inner work can restore your sense of worth. When someone’s words hit hard.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People. A podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie. A way to question and reduce stressful thoughts, and you guessed it. I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover why even small critiques can land a punch for highly sensitive people, how to use inner work to unpack the pain and find your center again. What real resilience looks like when criticism no longer defines your worth. This is an addition of strategy Fridays where we think about specific things you can do to help manage stress As a highly sensitive person, why do even small criticisms or critiques hit us so hard as highly sensitive people?

There’s several reasons for this. The first is that our nature is to process things deeply. And because we process things more deeply, things have a deeper impact on us. This is just natural for us. This is our nature. We’re built this way so that we can pay attention to small things that other people would normally miss.

So we look at the tone, the word choice, the context. We think about it, what it means. And so something that seemingly is seemingly minor doesn’t necessarily just bounce off. It often triggers layers of reflection and analysis and meaning making because that’s what we’re designed to do. We’re highly sensitive people for a reason, and that reason is to get to the bottom of things and to really find out what’s true and what’s going on.

What might seem to be just a passing comment from someone can become even a deep spiral for a highly sensitive person.

And another reason is that as highly sensitive people, we have a strong inner critic. And so we’re we have high standards and we hold ourselves to those high standards. And when somebody comes up with a critique or criticism. It can sometimes bring that inner critic into the forefront and we can start by building it into support for a story that maybe we’ve already been carrying that we’re not good enough, or I always mess things up, or I didn’t do that perfectly.

And this overlap of the criticism with the external cri criticism with our own internal criticism. Makes it feel especially painful. Another reason why criticism hits us hard is that we pay attention to the tone and delivery. We are, we’re very tuned into body language, tone of voice and subtle emotional cues.

So even if the words are kind if there was a little edge in someone’s voice or a little look of disappointment, it can land hard for us because. We don’t just hear the words, we feel the emotion behind them. Also, as highly sensitive people, we care deeply about connection and harmony and criticism can feel like a threat to that experience.

It can feel like a threat to the relationship even. And so it’s not just what someone does, it’s the fear of possible rejection or disconnection or not being understood that. Can make the criticism feel much stronger for us. And then finally, we have a sensitive N nervous system, and as a result, we’re more reactive by nature to stress.

So when confronted with something even gently, our system may go into that fight or flight response. Not because we’re weak, but because we’re wired to feel and respond deeply. That means that we can get flooded easily. We can shut down easily, we can get overwhelmed before we are able to think clearly or respond.

So luckily there, one of the, my favorite aspects of being a highly sensitive person is that on the one hand, we do worse in situations that are challenging when situation’s not supportive. We tend to do worse than them. And when a situation is positive, we tend to do better than average. This is called differential susceptibility and the researchers have studied it.

It’s just a cool fact of being a highly sensitive person. So on the one hand, while we may get overwhelmed by criticism more quickly than other people or more deeply, we also have the ability to come through that. On the other side more quickly as well, when we’re given the right tools. So one of the things that can help tremendously with dealing with criticism is inner work and different ways of doing that.

My particular favorite is called the work of Byron Katie, and it’s a way to identify the thoughts you were thinking when you were in a stressed situation and question those thoughts in a very respectful way. To the emotional part of yourself. And when you do this, you start to that emotional part of you starts to see things and feel things in a different way.

And this can have powerful effect on how we experience the situation. For example, the criticism. So if you experience a criticism, take that as a. Like, first of all, recognize that it had a reaction in you. If you feel a reaction, don’t try to push it down or push it away, or pretend it’s not there. Be aware like, oh my gosh, I got triggered here.

This one is, this one got me. And I always say, trust your stress. Your stress is a very honest alarm clock. That lets you know when you’ve gotten you’ve fallen into something, you’ve gotten stressed, you’ve gotten triggered, and it means that something hasn’t been worked out. Something’s not a hundred percent clear, and so it’s a chance to go in with some inner work and gain clarity in that area.

When you bring awareness, you will find that it’s possible. To gain a whole lot of resilience in an area where you normally were completely stuck. So I like to think of this as an opportunity for growth and an opportunity to look inward. So the first thing you do, once you’ve recognized that you got emotional, you hit you, you took the criticism hard, it felt like it got you, whether it was however you, whatever emotion you felt.

Then listen to that emotion. Let that emotion talk. Let that emotion speak. And what I mean by that is take dictation from your mind and let the emotion speak out through your writing and write down all of the thoughts that are going on in your mind connected to that emotion, the emotion, and the. The mind the body and the mind, the bodies and the emotion is connected.

And then the mind is connected to the body. So when you feel an emotion, there will be a corresponding thought there and maybe several. So write down those thoughts. They’re gold. Maybe it’s oh, I did a terrible job. Or, oh, they’re disappointed in me. They don’t like me anymore. Or. They were hurtful.

There could be anger there or it could be a feeling of not, I don’t belong now. A feeling of shame like that. Whatever the thoughts are, write them out. Maybe you want to go more deeply into what that person was what your judgments are about that person, and there’s a great little worksheet called judge Your Neighbor worksheet, which allows you to just really get all those stressful thoughts about the person out or maybe they’re thoughts about yourself or about your job, or about anything connected.

Write the honest uncensored thoughts about that are connected to that emotion out on paper. Once you do that, first of all, it’s already gonna give you some distance on it. You’re gonna start to see, okay, these are my thoughts. They’re not running inside your mind, but they’re out on paper and there’s a little bit of space there.

Then go through, there are four questions and turnarounds of this work of Byron Katie that I mentioned that you can ask yourself and just see if there’s another point of view that may start to emerge. The questions are, is it true? And can you absolutely know it’s true? You did a terrible job.

Are you sure? And how do you react when you believe that? And notice all the reactions in your body and how you close up and push the other person away and judge yourself. And imagine that the same person gave the same feedback. But imagine you didn’t have the thought. Who would you be without the thought that you did a terrible job?

Do you hear that same feedback differently? Is there a difference in your emotion? Notice this, thanks. When you go through these questions and take your time with them and write out your answers and give yourself space to explore, you’ll be amazed to see how the thought that you’re believing is what causes your stress more than what actually happened in the situation.

Once you see that, then take that thought that you’re believing and try on some opposites instead of, I did a terrible job, I did a fine job, I did a good job. And see if that could be as true even when they’ve given you some negative feedback. See if you can hold that and find the balance where, yes, there was room for improvement.

Yes, they did have a good point, but it doesn’t mean that I did a terrible job. I actually did a good job. And here’s the little piece where it can be improved some more. So as you go through this and you have to do it in a directly, you can’t just hear about it. You have to actually sit and go through this in a particular situation and see what examples you come up with.

Find the balance for yourself of how. What you thought was true that you did a terrible job, just emotionally see if you can find it on an emotional level that it’s not actually the full story. And as you do that, you will find a loosening around this whole emotional experience of the criticism. So how this looks in real life.

When I was, many years ago with my partner I used to leave the cabinet doors open inadvertently in the kitchen and it really bothered my partner and he would bring it up again and again. And every time it would get me, it just get me like, oh gosh, I feel just. I felt angry, like why is it a big deal?

But then I also felt guilty and it was a mess. So I did some of this inner work just as I described, and I started to see it differently. I started to see oh, okay I’m not a bad person. I’m not a failure because I left those that door open. I just wasn’t aware of it. And I started to own that a bit more.

And so when the criticism kept coming, ’cause I kept forgetting here and there it’s. It’s like it wouldn’t sting me as much, or I would notice, okay, here comes, and it would be like, oh, okay. This reminds me of that work I just did. And it would start getting clearer sooner, so the sting might happen, but then it would dissipate quicker as this kept happening.

First of all, I got better at closing the cabinet doors. That’s another thing. But as that kept happening, I started catching it earlier and earlier, and there came a point where my partner would say it and I would be aware that I could go down that self-blaming rabbit hole or not. And I just naturally sidestepped it.

And the criticism is like it went by me and hit the wall instead. So this is the power. This is the kind of resilience that. Can grow out of inner work. I’ve done this kind of work on so many different kinds of situations, and every time it gain it, it helps me grow in resilience and ability to handle even criticism.

So the feeling I’m left with today is that criticism is an opportunity. It’s an opportunity to become clearer about the necessity of staying connected to my own experience. Instead of depending solely on someone else’s experience. When I do that, then someone’s criticism can become helpful instead of debilitating.

It’s also an opportunity for me to separate myself from what I do. In other words, what I do is not necessarily who I am. So criticism, even when it stings, is an opportunity for. All of us to look inward and see what’s actually going on, and then gain some clarity. And if we do, we end up finding that the criticism itself is not the problem.

It’s how we’re seeing it and how we’re viewing it and how we’re experiencing it. In this episode, we looked at why even small critiques can land like a punch for highly sensitive people. It’s in due, partly due to us processing things so deeply so that things have a greater impact. Our tendency to towards self-critique and even perfectionism and just our actual sensitivity to what’s going on, we actually get the full meaning of what somebody’s saying, and that can lead to it hitting us on an emotional level.

We also looked at how to use inner work to unpack the pain and find your center again. And this is a process you have to actually go through and experience, but we have a little glimpse of it today and it can be amazing for just addressing and healing those little hurts, which are not so little, and then finding ways of experiencing the same situation that doesn’t actually hurt at all.

Then finally we looked at what real resistance looks like when CRI criticism no longer defines your worth, and this is my experience of having criticism coming at me. No real change on the outside and, but being able to sidestep it, actually just being like, oh, that’s interesting point of view. It’s actually useful feedback.

I’m still learning to close cabinet doors. But it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me and I don’t have to tailspin as a result. So thank you for listening. It’s always great to explore with you. This program comes out three times a week on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Join me next time for Breakthrough Mondays, where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the path towards inner freedom.