How to Say No as an HSP: A Gentle 3-Step Guide to Setting Boundaries without Overwhelm

 By the end of this episode, you’ll discover a gentle three step process to help you say no with clarity and confidence, without overwhelm, guilt, or shutting down.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People. A podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm. Eliminate stress and find true inner freedom. I’m your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, A way to question and reduce stressful thoughts, and you guessed it. I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover how to depose the internal or external authority figure. The makes saying no feel unsafe. Why seeing your innocent desire is the key to setting clear, compassionate boundaries and how to question the fears that keep you stuck in people pleasing or avoidance. This is an addition of strategy Fridays where we think about specific things you can do to help manage stress as a highly sensitive person.

Have you ever noticed that? You can say no in some situations, but you can’t say no in other situations. This is because when we’re in a situation where somebody has a authority over us, it’s much harder to say no. When there’s a hierarchy and we’re on the low end of the hierarchy, it is much harder to say no when we’re on the top end of the hierarchy.

We can say no and doesn’t seem to be any problem there and as highly sensitive people, it is. It frequently happens that we may assume the position of the low end of the hierarchy and therefore give up our right to saying no. So the first step in beginning to find that ability to say no. Is to depose the authority figure.

Now, this may be an external authority figure, or may even be an internal authority figure, as in some, some internalized version of authority that you should do this, that kind of judge inside of you. So the first thing to do is to look at the hierarchy. Is it real? Is it important? Is it something.

That I need to respect. If I say no, will I lose my job? Do I want to keep my job? If I do, I might not say no, and that would be a choice, but I may decide that saying no is more important to me than my job. And so I will be saying no, but I’m willing to take the consequences. So you have to look at the actual situation.

Is this hierarchy and a real thing? Are you in a situation where it’s unequal, there’s a power or differential? And if there is, you have to take that into consideration. But many times there is no real power differential differentiation other than in our mind. And so we see ourselves sometimes as the lesser person.

This can happen in a relationship. Relationship is. A relationship between two equals and if I think my partner has more power than me or has more authority than me, then it’s gonna be very hard for me to actually say no. And I’m gonna end up just sucking it in and putting it up. Putting up with it.

The problem with that is that it creates a lot of anger, it creates a lot of suppressed energy. And it can eventually blow up. And then in a way we say, no, but it’s too late. Like it we saying in a way that it can’t even be received. And then you just get into an argument and it goes nowhere.

And then recycle can repeat itself. So how do you depose this authority figure? One thing that can help is to look at the beliefs that you have. If it’s not an actual differential of power, look at what you’re believing that may be making it feel like there is that kind of differential. It could be a thought like, he is more important than me, or, I don’t wanna make waves.

Peace is more important to me than saying no. These are beliefs that when we hold them. Can make us assume the position of lesser power and not treat ourselves as equals, and therefore not be able to say no in a very effective way. So recognizing those beliefs, yours may be different. So take some time, journal a little bit, find what you’re believing about the inequality of power here, and see what those thoughts actually are, and then you can take those thoughts to inquire.

You can question them. I love to use the work of Byron Katie for questions and turnarounds, and it’s a great way to, to bring space into an area where I was so sure that it was one way and it opens that up. So this can be a really important first step to coming out of this feeling of powerlessness, feeling of lesser than.

And it can open up the possibility for saying no in a real way. Another way that you can depose the authority figure is to not go into justifying or trying to convince them or trying to wrestle for control or trying to prove that you’re good or right. These ways of saying no, end up in a lot of discussion and they basically.

Hold the same stance of this person is still the authority and I’m supplicating them, I’m asking them for permission to say no. And this is one of the big things I ran into and still do sometimes, is I will think I want I ask somebody no or tell somebody no, and I’m waiting for their permission for them to accept my no.

And then everything will be fine. What I’m doing there is I’m holding them still as an authority. I still have them above me and I am trying to justify to them, trying to prove to them, trying to convince them or trying to wrestle control with them somehow to try to tip the scales so that they come over to my side and they endorsed me and I was like, I need them to sponsor my no.

And of course it is ridiculous when we talk about it, but. In my experience, that’s what actually is going on. I’m still engaged with this differential of power. I’m still making them the authority figure. I’m giving my power to them. And so of course I can’t say no. I can’t say any real kind of, no, because I’ve given all my power away.

So the next thing that can help when, learning how to say no, or practicing how to say no is to look at yourself, look at your innocent desire. I’m saying no for a reason because I want to do something. I don’t want to do something doing this other thing is gonna interfere with something else that I want to do more, or it’s just not resonating with me.

There’s something innocent in me. There’s an experience inside of me, and when I listen to that, when I really look at that, there’s a solidity to that. There’s a realness to it, even though it’s subjective, and even though it’s internal, this is where I actually stand. This is where I’m actually located.

And so if I can find that and be aware of that and nurture that, then this is where my own authority starts to come in. Nobody knows me better than I know myself. No one can be an authority on what I feel, on what I experience, what I see to be true. No one can do that because no one can be that close to me.

No one can be that inside of me. So if I pay attention to my innocent desire, my innocent no, my innocent intelligence inside. Then it starts to bring in a new kind of strength. It starts to bring me into the party as someone with a certain kind of authority. And suddenly I do have the authority to say no.

And it’s not that I’m trying to control other people with my, no, I’m just trying to control myself, my world, my business, and when you look at your truth and you experience it and hold it, it becomes stronger. Even if it’s an inconvenient kind of truth that other people may not like. The more I sit with it and pay attention to it and hold it, the more that I can express that in a way that can be heard and in a way that even if it isn’t heard, I can still act on.

So this brings up the third way or third step you could say of saying no in a way that doesn’t cause overwhelm and fear. And that is to look at what could happen if I say no, and what are my fears about them? What’s the worst that could happen if I say no? What’s going to happen? And that is a scary thing.

That’s often the very important reason why I can’t say no. And especially as highly sensitive people. This is something that stops us. We don’t like people to be angry with us. We don’t like people to be hurt. We don’t like to cause any kind of ruffle on people’s experience. And what are those thoughts in your situation?

What are you believing will happen? What are you afraid will happen? And you can do again, you can make a list of these kinds of thoughts. I can’t handle it if they get angry, or I don’t want them to get angry, and there may be others. So whatever it is in your situation, look for those fears. What are they?

Write them down. Again, go through the four questions and turnarounds of the work of Byron Katie. It can open up so much space in there. It can actually turn that experience around to be a place where it’s not actually fearful. I may actually be willing to do that, and so this is a powerful way of challenging yourself.

It’s not that you don’t have fears, it’s not like you’re trying to suppress your fears, but that you just are looking to see if they really are as bad as you think they are and that you may find that you are able to handle it more than you actually thought you could. You can question. I won’t be able to handle it.

Is it true these can soften, this kind of questioning can soften. The trepidation, the fear that comes up when being vulnerable and sharing something from when within that others may not. In this episode, we looked at how to depose the internal or external authority figure that makes saying no feel unsafe, and we saw that it all comes down to authority and hierarchy and.

Seeing yourself as less than and putting someone else above you. And if that can be changed, then saying no is not actually that hard. We also looked at why seeing your innocent desire, really holding that and nurturing that is the key to setting clear, compassionate boundaries because that innocent no, or that innocent desire inside is coming from someplace deep, someplace other.

It’s hard to even say it’s mine. It just comes up from inside. And why not let that be my authority instead of someone else? And then finally we looked at how to question the fears that keep you stuck in people pleasing or avoidance. And they are pretty straightforward. It’s what am I afraid of?

What is the worst that can happen and will I be able to handle it? Then just questioning those thoughts. So I invite you to explore. Saying no is not actually hard. Strangely enough, it depends just on shifting your attention away from others as the authority and or your own internal judge as the authority and making your innocent inner desire be the authority instead.

So thanks for listening and I always enjoy exploring these topics with you. We have new episode episodes coming out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so feel free to stop by again and we will do some more.