How to Say ‘No’ Without Guilt: Building Boundaries That Feel Good for HSPs

 What if your no could feel peaceful, grounded, and true? In this episode, you’ll uncover how inner work leads you there.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People. A podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm. Eliminate stress and find true inner freedom. I’m your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, A way to question and reduce stressful thoughts, and you guessed it. I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover why it’s so hard to say no. There might be a sneaky thought hiding underneath. Let’s dig it up. How to open the door to freedom. Saying no may not be easy, but what waits on the other side could change everything and whether no might actually be a love language in disguise.

This is an addition of guided Meditation Mondays, where I’ll be guiding you to do the work of Byron Katie. As you listen. Many years ago I had a small, unimportant little incident with my partner. We were walking down the street, we had just had dinner. I was perfectly content and full, and my partner sees an ice cream shop and he’s let’s get an ice cream.

And oh my gosh, it was really hard for me to say no. So what was going on in that little moment? This is just a minor representation of the kinds of situations where you may have to say no. What I’d like to look at to start with is what are the thoughts going on that are making it so hard to say no? So let’s start by brainstorming what’s going on?

If I say, no, I’m gonna be the bad guy. I don’t want to be a party pooper. My partner won’t like it if I say no. All of these are thoughts that I’m believing in that situation. Which are restricting me, making me feel not free to say no. I should agree. All of these things are ideas in my mind that are making it basically impossible to utter the two, the one syllable word and no.

So let’s do some work on one of these underlying thoughts when you’re working. You have to have a situation, first of all, and then you have to look for the thought that you were thinking or your interpretation of that situation so that you can question it. So let’s do that together now, and we’ll start with finding a situation where you had difficulty saying, no, could be minor like this.

It could be something big, but the principle is the same. Find a situation where you are having trouble saying no.

If you need a minute, you can pause the recording and take as much time as you’d like to find this. So I’m just gonna pick one of the thoughts that we just brainstormed. They won’t like it if I say no. This is a. An underlying belief that was running in me in that situation. And it may be running in you, in your situation.

And if you can find it, then work with me. And let’s question this thought to see if we can find a little more space inside and a little more of a place or room for No. So the first question is, they won’t like it if I say no. Is it true? Take your time. This is a yes or a no, but be with it. As you find what seems to be your truth in that situation, they won’t like it.

If I say no,

I’m gonna go with a yes, feels true. I have past experience. I can see the look on my partner’s face, even though it hasn’t happened yet. I imagine myself there and the disappointment or frustration even maybe that may be expressed. So yes. So next question, can you absolutely know it’s true, they won’t like it if I say no again.

Take your time, find your truth, and it’s a yes or a no.

I have to say it’s a no for me. I’m not a hundred percent sure that my partner won’t like it if I say no. There’s a mix in there, and so that’s where I end up. And remember, yes and no are equal here, so just be honest as you’re answering the questions. The next question is. How do you react? What happens when you think that they won’t like it?

If you say no, what happens inside of you? First,

I shrink and close down and the idea of saying, no comes up, but there’s no way I can utter those words from my lips. It’s absolutely, it would take. Huge effort and it feels impossible.

So what I’m seeing is an attachment to them liking me, in this case, my partner and that is what’s preventing me from saying no. So it’s helpful to look thoroughly at all of the reactions that show up when you’re thinking a thought like this. They won’t like it if I say no. So do this now in your situation and see if you can find your reactions that may be different.

I feel insecure. I feel sharp, like I almost have to be defensive

and I. I feel disconnected with my partner. I’m already treating myself like the bad guy,

and I’m completely out of touch with this quiet internal me that just doesn’t want an ice cream. I just had a full meal and putting an ice cream on top of it would make me feel bad. So I’m, I disregard that becomes secondary now. Primary is I don’t want my partner not to like me. And so I sacrifice myself almost instantly when this thought comes in.

So this is the effect. It also makes me feel tense and it makes me feel fearful.

So the next question is, who would you be without the thought that they won’t like it? If I say no? And this is a radical question, imagine yourself in that same situation where you wanted to say no and you didn’t have any idea in your mind that they won’t like it at all. It wasn’t there. In your mind, who would you be?

It’s suddenly like this open channel inside of me. I can just say, oh, that doesn’t interest me. There’s just no resistance to saying my truth. ’cause my truth likes to be expressed. I like to express my truth. But when that thought comes in, they won’t like it. Oh boy. Then that’s my truth, does not want to be expressed anymore.

Or there’s a tug of war inside of me. So who would you be in that situation if you weren’t thinking? They won’t like it if I say no.

I just notice more freedom. More freedom of expression. Like I can show up as I am and. It feels like being loved. Like when you’re in a loving relationship, you can be yourself. You can say things that the other person may not agree with, but you’re just held in this feeling of connection and understanding.

So if I don’t have the thought that my partner won’t like it, if I say no, that’s the feeling I rest in. It feels like connection. It feels like safety, and I feel comfortable. To say no. So it’s amazing, isn’t it? How just this thought that they won’t, like it can change the dynamics so dramatically. So let’s try finding balance here and see if the opposite could be truer or as true as what we were originally thinking, that they won’t like it if I say no.

So how could this be true for you and your situation? That they will like it if you say no. Is it possible? Stretch your mind a little bit, see if you can find something. They might like it even. Is it possible?

What I see is a mix. Like I see my partner will still be disappointed. His face may fall. He may even poke me a little bit and push me a little bit, but I also see at the same time a certain respect that he would have for me, for being honest, even if I am a quote unquote hardy pooper.

So he will like it if I say no. There’s different places I can put my attention. He wants an ice cream, but he also wants a partner that he can have a relationship with who is gonna be honest and connected. And that leads me to another example there. The potential for connection is much stronger.

When I say no, I actually feel closer to him and that. If he had to choose between the ice cream and being closer, I think he would choose being closer. So we’re playing with this. We’re stretching. We’re seeing if the opposite could also be true, so he will like it if I say No, it’s very possible. In this episode, we looked at why it’s so hard to say no.

And we explored the idea that there might be a sneaky thought hiding underneath, and we found one, there may be several different thoughts, but the one we looked at is they won’t like it if I say no. Look how that upholds the stress and the blockage to saying no. And if that thought isn’t there, we saw how clearly it was like an open channel to saying no.

We also looked at how to open the door to freedom. Saying no may not seem easy at first, but it rests on being honest with ourselves. And when we can find that honesty, it opens that door and makes it easier to say, no, it’s actually not difficult when I am in a more safe space. Safety is an internal thing and I can find that even if the other person may still be disappointed or upset.

And finally we looked at whether or no might actually be a love language in disguise. And I hinted at that in the last example that I gave of how my partner may actually prefer connection with me over ice cream. It sounds amazing. Ice cream’s pretty good, but I. That connection, that saying, no, that honesty is a bonding experience.

When I’m honest with someone, when I’m vulnerable with someone, even if they may not like it at first, they may actually like it better in the long run because it brings us closer. So thanks for listening and we will continue with more episodes soon. In the meantime, have a great rest of your day and we’ll catch you next time.