By the end of this episode, you’ll discover three signs that you need more space in your relationship and how to effectively create it without being mean.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People. A podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie. A way to question and reduce stressful thoughts, and you guessed it. I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover three signs that you need more space in your relationship, why HSPs need more space than others, and how to create the space you need without breaking up the relationship. This is an addition of strategy Fridays where we think about specific things you can do to help manage stress as a highly sensitive person.

Have you ever had the sense that you’re being smothered or overwhelmed even in a loving relationship? This can happen for highly sensitive people. It can happen to anyone, and it’s something that lets you know that you need a little more space in your relationship. It can feel like I can’t quite think straight or I can’t quite be myself when the other person’s around, and it can feel like you’re losing yourself in the relationship.

Now, losing yourself in a relationship is not a bad thing, but there’s kind of two ways of losing yourself. One is willingly and the other is unwillingly. And if it feels like you’re losing yourself completely, you may be needing a bit more space in that relationship. Another way this can show up is you may start managing the other person’s emotions and feeling responsible for their emotions, and you’re so much focused on them that there’s not enough space for you.

So another way that this shows up that you may need more space is a kind of subtle or constant pressure to perform or to be on emotionally. And this can be accompanied by feeling irritable or reactive or resentful. I think the word resentful is a really big one. When we’re not ourselves, when we’re not getting what we need, then resentment builds.

Even if we’re being nice, and even if we’re being accommodating to the other person, it ends up poisoning the relationship because we’re not getting what we need, and then we start to feel alone and we start to feel resentful. Often this happens without even knowing why. You may start feeling irritable and reactive even, or resentful towards your partner.

And you don’t really have a clear reason why this can be a sign that you need a little more space in the relationship and you can even end up feeling like guilt or shame for wanting time. This is also a sign that it’s just a little too much. There should be enough space for you to breathe so that you can be both an individual in the relationship and part of the team or part of the partnership.

At the same time, both things are necessary. This is not the same as merging two individuals together, make up a partnership as opposed to one person and there’s little satellite the other person’s just a satellite revolving around that person that’s not really a partner. Another sign that you need more space in your relationship is losing touch with your own wants and needs.

This is a big one and it happens easily for highly sensitive people. And what happens is you start focusing so much on the other person’s moods or needs or energy, and you can end up just getting sucked into that and then losing what. Your own needs are and not bringing that to the table. This can result again in resentment, even a kind of dreading of time spent together.

Even though you actually care about your partner, you can end up being more like a chameleon just adapting to their preferences while you end up fading into the background. So if you’ve experienced any of these signs, then it might be a little. Call to check it out and see if maybe there’s a need for a little bit more space in the relationship.

Now, as highly sensitive people, we tend to need more space than others, and there’s some reasons for this. The first is we process things more deeply. That means when we’re in interactions with a partner, with a friend, with others. We pay attention to the tone of voice, to the facial expressions, to the body language, to the energy shifts, and if we’re paying attention like this and then processing it, it means we’re constantly noticing these subtle cues and trying to make sense of them.

That just comes with being a highly sensitive person. It’s a great thing because we pick up on all the subtle subtleties in a relationship, and that’s what allows us to go deep there. But. We have a limit because we’re we go so deep with it we can end up getting overwhelmed and reaching our limit.

This can create a kind of mental fatigue and it can be even harder if the partner or the other person is having difficulty or is emotional or is stressed themselves or is unpredictable. And so there is a need for space that’s just built in, not only to being a human being, but even more so when you’re a highly sensitive person.

So another reason why highly sensitive people need more space is that we’re highly empathetic. And so again, this is similar, but we notice other people’s feelings and we can get overwhelmed if they’re going through something intense, we can end up. Carrying the relationship in a way, emotionally always trying to regulate and trying to manage things so that there isn’t trying to minimize the stress in the relationship we can get in the other person’s business.

And while some of these things are stress related, not necessarily HSP related, the tendency is there as highly sensitive people because we’re so empathetic to sometimes get into the other person’s business. Now empathy is a wonderful thing and it is the glue that keeps relationships working in many ways, but too much can end up swamping us and just causing us to have too much strong feeling going on inside that requires space to process.

So if you’re getting overwhelmed again and again by the emotions of the other person or just from being too connected with them, a little bit of space can be like good medicine. Another reason why we as HSPs tend to need more space is that we. Are affected by conflict more than other people, and we try to avoid that in many ways.

And so we end up sometimes suppressing our needs and that need for space included so we can end up overriding our own nature, which is needing a little break, needing time to process by trying to keep the peace and trying to keep everybody happy. And this, again, can create resentment over time, depletion and loss of identity.

Another really interesting trait of being a highly sensitive person is that we tend to have a rich inner world, and that means we reflect on things deeply. We have a creative side, and we have emotional insight when we don’t have enough space. And then our inner life gets drowned out by all the external things going on, and we lose touch with our intuition and with our dreams and with our values, and we can feel like spiritually or existentially, unmoored, we can end up feeling like we’re just not sure who we are anymore.

We’re out of touch with that. What really makes us tick, and this is a huge loss not only to ourselves, but to those that we’re in relationship with. We bring a lot to the table and staying connected with that inner world, that richness that we bring is one of the great gifts that we bring to a relationship.

So we have to be aware of that, and as a result, we need to take a little extra space compared to other people to maintain connection with that inner world. And then finally, just on a very practical level, highly sensitive people need. More nervous system, recovery time and close relationships can be emotionally stimulating, even the good ones, even when things are going great, but when you don’t have enough downtime, then the nervous system can stay in this heightened state.

Just going from one thing to the next thing to the next thing, and this just needs to stress, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, even. And can lead to even physical things like headache or fatigue. So this is just how we’re built. Highly sensitive people have a different nervous system. It’s engineered differently, and we’re engineered for depth.

We’re engineered for empathy and connection, and we’re engineered to have a connection with ourselves and a deep inner world as well. For us to function maximally, we have to pace ourselves and we can’t continue at the same pace that everyone else is at. And our partners have to understand that, and we have to work with them to help them understand that so that we can take care of ourselves and bring the most we can to a relationship.

So how do you create space? How do you create that space that you need? Without breaking up the relationship or without being mean. I think the first thing is to become aware yourself that space is necessary and that it’s good and that healthy relationships have space. And that if you manage your space well, it will actually bring you closer together.

It’s how you it allows you to keep showing up with love and with connection. It’s not about necessarily pulling away, although that does happen in a short term. It’s about taking care of yourself so that you can be the most that you can be and come back with a full heart when you’ve gotten recharged.

This has been one of the biggest factors of growth in my relationship over the years, have been with my partner for probably 25 years or so, and it’s. In recent years, taking up more and more space, not in a con, conflictual way, or not in a selfish way, in a way, but just in a balanced way. And so now we’ve found that it’s great to have some alone time on Sundays just to hang out alone in each of our rooms and be doing our own things.

I find myself. Sharing more my opinions, more often with my partner. I end up spending money on things that are important to me. In other words, I’m taking up space in that way too. Being myself, having space has strengthened our relationship in a very real way. When I come together with my partner, I have a feeling of fullness.

I have a feeling of I know who I am, I’m connected to who I am. And I’m much less, less likely to people please. And I’m also because of that fullness, I’m actually enjoying our connection instead of resenting it. Another thing that can help when creating space for yourself is to think about two kinds of space.

There’s inner space and there’s outer space, and. We tend to focus on outer space. I need this much time, I need this much space. Give me that space. And that is important, absolutely important. But inner space is also important. And the coolest thing about inner space, it is always there. Even when you’re in a busy situation, even when you can’t get away and be alone, if you can have some awareness of your own space there.

It can’t be invaded. It’s yours. And when you really own that, you can start to feel like you have space, even when you don’t have outer space, when you continue doing inner work, when you continue doing like inquiry, questioning your thoughts when you continue meditating, when you do the work that.

That wakes up that inner space inside of you, then it will be with you more and more in every situation that you’re in. So a few more tips. One is create agreements about space. Anytime there’s something repetitive or something that you need space on a regular basis for, then just talk about it.

See if there’s a way that you can. Create that like the Sunday mornings alone thing. That’s an option or certain amount of time during the day. Like for me, just closing the door to my office during business hours is super helpful to give me a feeling of space. Also share with your partner the impact on you of not having enough space.

Notice your stress, your resentment, the withdrawal, all that. And. Present, having space, a little bit more space on a regular basis as a way of preventing that. And then finally, if you are overstimulated already and your, or your fuse is short, then you may want to step away first and regulate yourself first.

Take a breath, do a little bit of the work. Just find a little bit more balance before coming back and talking with your partner about it, because you may end up. Blowing up or being angry, and that’s probably not going to be as effective. Oh, and one other thing your partner needs space too.

Everybody does. It’s not just an HSP thing. Everyone benefits from room to breathe in a relationship. So invite your partner to explore their own needs for space as well, and. And then when you come back together, you both have something interesting to share. So this is the beauty of discovering the value of space in a relationship.

So the feeling I’m left with today is that space is what allows a relationship to grow. If you don’t have enough space, it actually chokes the relationship. It’s as if you don’t, when you don’t have enough space between words when you’re speaking. There can be too much going on and the meaning can get lost.

Of course, you can have too much space, but there’s a balance point where you’re giving yourself enough space, giving your partner enough space, and the relationship is able to thrive on that balance. In this episode, we looked at three signs that you may need more space in your relationship. One is a sense of being smothered or feeling that overwhelmed feeling.

Another is feeling a pressure to perform all the time, and then the other was losing touch with your own wants and needs. We also looked at why HSPs need more space than others, and that is because we process things more deeply and that takes time. We notice things that others don’t notice. We’re empathetic in a very deep and real way, and we need more nervous system regulation because of all that we’re processing and because that’s just the way we are built.

And finally, we have a deep and rich inner world, and we need to stay in touch with that in order to have something to give in the relationship in order to bring those gifts to the relationship. And finally we looked at how to create space in a relationship without breaking up the relationship. And this really comes down to, first of all, understanding the value of re of a space in a relationship per you that it is something that actually helps the relationship become better.

And then communicating that with your partner in ways that are non, they’re not conflict types of discussions. So thanks for listening. It’s always great to explore with you. This program comes out three times a week on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Join me next time for Breakthrough Mondays, where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the path towards inner freedom.