Letting Go of Powerlessness: Inner Work for Highly Sensitive People

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to move beyond the powerless feeling that you can’t fight City Hall.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover how debilitating the idea that you don’t have a say is. Why you are never actually powerless, no matter how impossible the situation. And how to find your power again, by questioning the thought that robs you of it. [00:01:00] Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays. You bring your questions and stressful situations.

And I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did.

Client: I, I do have something, um, that my mind is telling me. that it’s kind of a futile situation.

It literally means fighting City Hall, literally.

Todd: Okay, yeah. So the work is all about loving what is, right? And when I’m fighting City Hall, I’m arguing with what is, and it’s stressful. And so whether you can [00:02:00] win the battle or not is not the question. It’s whether you can be peaceful. And so a feudal situation can be very interesting to question with the work.

Client: Yeah, I’m kind of feeling, uh, some sense of, um, despair, kind of this, like, resignation, and I, I don’t feel peace around it. Um, it’s just something I’ve recently learned about. that they’re going to be building these very, very tall buildings across this street. And it’s not directly across from me. It’s directly across from some other developments, but it’s close enough that it’s going to have impact.

It’s going to impact the whole area. [00:03:00] And Many residents are are upset by this and there’s a question as to apparently something got passed somewhere along the way that if you have a certain number of affordable housing units that they don’t have to go through the procedure. Usual channels of, you know, having an open meeting where people can express their concerns and, um, about the impact and, you know, have their say that it just feels like this was done under.

You know, they, they snuck it in and that the people being impacted had absolutely no say in it and I’ve heard that there is a meeting coming up at City Hall, [00:04:00] but we’re not sure that this may have already been passed and I posted. Asking what, if anything could be done. And it’s really funny because I actually got answered by someone who’s been the city commissioner, who’s running for reelection.

So when it was like the perfect time to address it, but he basically gave some,

uh, he’s been, and apparently he’s been fighting this. I didn’t know that I was. In any case, I just feel, it just feels kind of hopeless, like they’ve already decided. You know, like the mayor and all these other people are, you know, totally on board with it, that this is what they, they [00:05:00] want to do. And, um,

we’ve already seen the impact that overbuilding in certain areas

can cause, and this is going to further impact that.

Todd: Yeah. Okay. So it’s a good situation. Um, I heard, I took a few notes as you were writing and some possible one liners that we could question. Um, one is they snuck it in. Another is, uh, the people impacted have no say.

And another is they’ve already decided. Does any one of those sound like it’s close to the stress that you’re feeling?

Client: Well, they all feel true, but um,

Todd: yes, they may all be. [00:06:00] Even though,

Client: even though I know it probably isn’t, there’s a part of me that wants to argue that they’re true. Um, what was the last one you said?

Todd: They’re, they’ve already decided.

Client: That’s the one that seems the scariest to me.

Todd: Okay.

Client: Even though I don’t know that absolutely is the case,

one, one said it was and another one said it wasn’t. So I, you know, I’m not real, real sure.

Okay. Yeah.

And it feels like it won’t even matter. Even if it feels like if we get to say anything that it’s just going to be a formality, they’re just going to allow us to have our say. But the, um, the decisions already been made.

There’s too much money involved.

Todd: Got it. Okay. Well, let’s do the work.

Client: Okay.

Todd: So they’ve already decided on [00:07:00] this development. Is it true?

Client: I don’t know.

Todd: So this, this question is technically a yes or a no question, which makes it a hard question when you don’t know. So, if you go with your experience with what you have, you know, what you know right now, and you had to land, Where would it be closest to? Like if you had to,

Client: it would be a yes.

Todd: Okay, good. And then can you absolutely know it’s true? They’ve already decided.[00:08:00]

Client: Yeah. Even if, even if it’s not formally approved, I think in their minds they have made that decision.

Todd: Okay, good. Yeah. And I love that you’re sticking with your experience as you see it, um, even though you don’t know all the facts. You can still answer this question as you just did. So, how do you react?

What happens when you think they’ve already decided in this situation?

Client: Yeah, one of the things I do is I look at the past, which was my evidence for that second. Yes, we’re sticking with it was that we’ve been down this route before in other areas in our city. And I’ve seen them. It’s like, they do what they’re going to do, [00:09:00] the developers get their way, and we have no say in it, and it’s happened before, and even in the past, and I see these images of how in the past, more people knew about it, and were fighting against it, and it still made no difference.

And I also think about, well, if the city commissioner who’s been arguing. Our case, or, you know, he, he agrees with this and he said his colleagues don’t if he can’t even. Persuade them. It’s like, what chance do we

have?

Um, I feel

angry. I feel victimized. I mean, it hasn’t happened yet, but I feel [00:10:00] victimized. I feel, yeah, I, I, I’m imagining in the future, the incredible traffic. Cause it’s right now, there’s only one lane each way and there’s no room for more. I mean, literally, you’d have to tear down some buildings, which they may end up doing, who knows.

And we don’t have adequate drainage or sewage, and I’m in a hurricane, I’m actually, this is actually in an area that’s hurricane, um, susceptible that we have to, um,

We have to leave when there’s a hurricane threat because we’re considered a high risk area that we have to evacuate. It’s mandatory evacuation. So it’s absolutely crazy that they [00:11:00] want to build this here. And so I just, I think of. The quality of life, you know, and all this is in the future, how it’s going to fit the quality of life, how it’s going all the all these really super tall tall buildings that they’re planning are going to cut out the sun and all the mango trees and all of that are going to be affected.

I think it’s gonna increase costs for everybody and we’re gonna have, God, I just see so many problems with this. The traffic, it’s like, and then I have, I feel angry and I want, and I think. that I want to just move me. I’m wondering, can I sell my place before this comes out in the [00:12:00] known, where more people know about it?

Like, can I sell it before this? Yeah. Which, which makes me feel bad too, because then it’s like, I’m trying to hide something too. Um,

yeah, I just feel hopeless. And I noticed that Even though I’ve been given two phone numbers and two email addresses to contact, and I just got them so, you know, I, I, I probably will contact them, but it just feels like it’s kind of an exercise in futility.

Todd: Right. So how does that affect your willingness or?

Uh, to try contacting, for [00:13:00] example.

Client: Regrettingly.

Todd: Right.

Client: I mean, I’ll do it, but I am doing it from a pissed off,

yeah.

Todd: Yeah. And like you said, it’s futile, it’s the feeling of futile, so what’s the use almost at the same time? Yeah,

Client: it’s like, why, I don’t want to expend a lot of energy or a lot of time in it. I mean, I even wrote down the. Uh, when the next meeting at City Hall is it’s on my calendar and I can go, but there’s even this has, you know, this hesitancy to go.

It’s like, well, I’ll go. And even if I want to speak up, you know, it’s kind of, I don’t, I, it’s like, I, I’m already telling myself they won’t take it seriously. You know, who am I?

Yeah,

they got these developers who, you know, are convincing them that it’s [00:14:00] going to bring a lot of money into the area and that it’s going to be affordable housing.

And we’ve just found out that they only have to provide a very minimal number of units and only for three years after that, they don’t, they can jack up all the rest. So it’s all a farce. It’s all just a way to get, yeah, so it’s just,

Todd: so this thought they’ve already decided. It’s like it, it gets you into the future and the past as you’ve described so clearly and kind of takes any impetus out to to go further with contacting

Client: the

Todd: officials.

Client: It makes me want to complain but not actually take action because it’s like action won’t do anything and complaining doesn’t either but at least it makes me feel like[00:15:00]

I don’t know.

I mean it’s not not constructive but for some reason it feels like I just get to vent.

Todd: That’s it. Yeah. And nothing wrong with venting but what we’re seeing is this thought like only allows that much venting and no further, um, with, with this thought they’ve already decided because as you started it out, the thought is it’s futile.

So who would you be? If you can imagine for a moment thinking about this building project, if you didn’t have the thought they’ve already decided, would there be any difference

Client: for you?

Like it’s proposed,

but it’s not a done deal yet. Or not even a proposal, because it is a proposal. I mean, it is, it’s not [00:16:00] like there’s not any talk about it. It is something that’s there.

Todd: So keep the situation exactly as it is, that this exact stage that it is right now. So it’s been brought up. I don’t know what all has happened, but all of that stays the same.

But in your mind, you just don’t have the idea that they’ve already decided. You’re not thinking that. Who would you

Client: be? I’d be,

I’d be wanting to rent a bus to get people to City Hall for that meeting. I, I,

um,

I would, I would say this was a window of opportunity to not,

and I [00:17:00] think that my, I didn’t feel that It was like

a done deal. My anger would surpass my fear of speaking up. I think I would be able to,

to speak at the meeting or to, uh, accompany somebody who is speaking. Um, yeah, I, I think whatever nervousness or embarrassment would be,

you know, because there would be, it would be more my. The impetus of,

I want, I

want to try to make something, I want to try to[00:18:00]

like at least have a chance, you know, because I, I realize even, even if it’s not a done deal, even if everything were working in my favor, there’s still no guarantee.

Todd: Right. But the difference is with the thought that they’ve already decided, it’s like, There’s not, it’s almost like you give up before you even start before it doesn’t even give it a chance in a way without the thought they’ve already decided there’s a, there’s more willingness from what I’m hearing to act and to be.

Seizing that window of opportunity.

Client: Yeah. You know, what’s different too is with the thought, I’m annoyed that I even have to fight it [00:19:00] without the thought. It’s like, it’s an opportunity. It’s like that window of opportunity. The first one, it felt like this is an imposition. This is a, I shouldn’t have to do this.

Without the thought, it’s like, I’m nervous, but for a different reason, it’s more like, okay, we’ve got the, here’s, there’s never going to be a better time than now. You know, with, with elections coming up with this meeting coming up, it may be the last opportunity we have to have any influence whatsoever.

If whatsoever,

Todd: yeah,

Client: yeah,

Todd: that’s a big difference in, in the way you’re thinking about or the way you’re experiencing the same exact situation.

Client: I mean, I’m still scared because there’s still [00:20:00] the fear of even, even if it, if I didn’t believe it’s a done deal, there’s still the fear that. Could be the outcome, but at least there’s, at least it’s like, okay, either way, it’s not in my control, but at least I’ll have done whatever I could.

Todd: Yes, that’s it. That’s it.

Client: Now I feel almost obligated. And that still doesn’t feel real good.

Todd: Well, you know, that’s taking it further, right? Which is a whole other stressful thought. But, but what we’re seeing is the, the effect of this thought here, you know, with it, it’s a feeling of being disempowered and just giving up.

And without it, even though it may still be a, uh, slim chance or who knows [00:21:00] what the outcome will be, there’s more natural. Motivation to, to do something, to act, to seize the opportunity. So that’s what this thought does to you. Like when it comes into your mind, they’ve already decided, then all that possibility of acting just goes.

By the goes out, um, and if it’s not there, then that possibility is still there. And of course, still maybe, like I said, a long shot, but the difference is in your inner experience and that’s what we’re looking at in this work.

Client: With the thought I’m a victim without the thought, even if the outcome is the same, if I have an opportunity and I feel like I’ve done anything that I could.

then at least I’ve done what I could. I’ve taken some kind of a power, even, you know, regardless of how it turns out. Cause that I [00:22:00] have no control over.

Todd: Yes, exactly. I’m just reminded of the, the serenity prayer at this moment, you know, of like, you

Client: know,

Todd: just the difference between what I can control and what I can’t control.

And, and when I’m, when this thought isn’t there. The possibility of doing something where I actually still can control starts to show up instead of everything being out of my control, which feels like a victim.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So seeing the effect of this thought, let’s try turning it around. They’re, they’ve already decided that was your original.

What’s a turnaround we could look at?

Client: I’ve decided. That

Todd: was pretty clear. Yeah.

Client: I noticed that a little before and I didn’t know. Yeah, I was [00:23:00] trying not to look at that.

Todd: That’s right. So turnaround is I’ve already decided.

Client: I’ve already decided.

Tell me what you see.

I’ve already decided that I’m going to have to fight, and this is why I feel so reluctant, because even without the thought, without the thought, now I feel like, okay, if there’s something I can do, now I have to do it, but I guess that’s a different thought. Yeah, I’ve already decided it’s useless, I’ve already decided we won’t be heard, I’ve already decided we won’t be taken seriously, I’ve already decided it’s gonna be a catastrophe, that all these things that I think are gonna happen, I can’t know for sure, I mean, like I said, I was, my, my brain was at 90%, I, I would say, It’s probably a little lower [00:24:00] than that now that maybe it won’t be as bad as what I’m imagining.

So, yeah, I really decided, um,

yeah, it’s like I’ve decided I’m a victim. I’ve decided I’m powerless. I’ve decided there’s nothing I can do. And that’s, that’s probably also driving some of the anger and the, yeah.

Todd: Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, I don’t feel that kind of anger, that kind of powerless anger unless I’ve stepped into the victim role.

So I’ve already decided I’m a victim is a very interesting piece of this.

Client: Even the anger piece. Is coming from that because if I felt like I have a chance, I wouldn’t feel resentful that I have to go and do [00:25:00] this. You know, it feels like it feels like I have to do something as opposed to, hey, here’s an opportunity.

Todd: Exactly.

Okay, so this is a nice balance to the idea that they’ve already decided. It’s like, wait a minute, I’ve already decided, and that’s playing a big role in that powerless feeling, that futile feeling, and that, that victim feeling. So what’s another turnaround? They’ve already decided. What would be another way to turn it around?

Client: They haven’t decided.

Todd: Okay, so let’s look at the possibilities. And I don’t even know,

Client: so that, first of all, I haven’t confirmed one way or another.

Mm hmm.

Secondly, there, as far as I know, there is a, um, city meeting, you know, open meeting for people that I can go to whether or not, [00:26:00] I don’t know whether or not that has any impact, but even if they go ahead with it, It just, it just dawned on me that it might not be a bad thing to talk about it anyway, because I’m sure this will come up again.

I, you know, if they don’t hear from anybody, if they’re not hearing objections, then they’re just gonna, you know, they don’t think there’s any buddy that’s concerned about it, then, then it’s like free license to continue. You know,

sure. If

they know that we’re watching and that reelections are, wow, actually I do have more power than I realized.

If reelections, if elections are coming up, even if they’ve already decided, they know we’re watching, they know we’re aware. So that, yeah. That’s actually, uh, that was what I needed because I was feel still feeling [00:27:00] like now I have to do something I shouldn’t have to do, you know, was still that victim me feeling like, okay, now that there is something I can do now I have to, and I wasn’t still wasn’t seeing the, the benefit of it if I wasn’t going to get the result, but I do see there’s still a benefit.

Because then at least, regardless of the outcome, I’m taking, I’m doing what’s in my power.

Todd: Yeah,

Client: that

Todd: makes all the difference when you’re doing everything from your side, then there’s a feeling of empowerment inside. Even if you don’t get what you want, it’s like, at least you tried everything you could, you gave it your best.

There’s a good feeling inside, which is very different than that victim feeling where

Client: it’s at least then I can accept. You [00:28:00] know, I did all I could, and I tried, and I did my best, and you know what, it didn’t come out. At least, it’s easier to accept than to have no say whatsoever.

Todd: That’s it. That’s it.

Exactly. And then once, like, even more possibilities open up, if, if you’ve given it your all and it still doesn’t go the way you wanted, and you’re not in this victim place, then there’s still options of like, what do I stay? Do I move to another place? Or do I, you know, what other things could I consider that will allow me to have, you know, live the life the way I want to live it?

Client: Yeah, that’s a good point. Because I wasn’t truly considering, you know, when I was saying, Oh, I wonder if I could tell my, you know, all of that was coming from this victim. It wasn’t like anything productive, like I was [00:29:00] having any real productive thought out plans,

Todd: right? It’s just complaining. Empty threats.

I’ll just leave.

Client: Like these empty threats, all these angry thoughts in my head is somehow going to convince them

Todd: to not do what I

Client: want them. Yeah.

Todd: But when we look at this turnaround, it’s like they haven’t already decided, even if they have, like, turns out they have then, well, we can still elect different.

People, and then it could be overruled if there was enough pushback. And then even if that still went ahead, I still like have choices. Like, in other words, nothing’s decided. Like my, my fate isn’t sealed and locked into, I’m just going to have to be a victim for. for the whole situation. Like there’s constantly another option and [00:30:00] another option and after that there’ll be another option.

Like that’s, that’s the experience. Um,

Client: yeah. So if I’m complaining, I’m doing it to people who hear me rather than in my head. It’s like,

Todd: exactly. So it’s more empowering actually.

Client: Exactly.

Todd: And one step of empowerment leads to another step of empowerment leads to another step of empowerment. And that’s how I stay in my power because I’m constantly doing what I can do to the best of my ability.

Whereas when I give up and I’m just feeling victimized and then I’m Like just complaining in my head and angry in my head, then I just goes nowhere and I just, and that victim thing gets built up and it becomes harder and harder to act. This is really cool work. It’s a, it’s a, it’s a very real situation, but it also speaks to me and I think to others listening [00:31:00] of.

Of how, how the thinking can really affect the experience of something being futile or me being a victim instead of me feeling empowered and having options.

Client: Yeah, and I’m realizing now if I now sending letters, emails. Or making calls, I feel like coming from a not, not this angry, you know, um, like they’ve done something to me, kind of, that I, that I’ll speak, I’ll be able to be more articulate and get my message across in a way that it’s more likely to be heard, and will sound more powerful because it’s Coming from a victim, it’s not going to sound, you know, [00:32:00] blaming, and it’s not going to sound powerful at all.

Todd: No.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: You got it. You got it.

Client: Which is one of the reasons I was feeling like, I was like, I don’t really want to do this, because I think some, on some level, I knew it was coming from a victim, and it just feels, you know. Yeah.

Todd: Exactly. So what, what I love about the work, what we just done here is cleans up some of that victim feeling kind of gets that, like I get into a different place because I’m looking at the effect of the thought and I’m seeing the turnarounds and it puts me in kind of out of that victim a little more, and then it’s much more inspiring to go into action, even if it’s challenging or takes courage to do, it’s not coming from that.

Victim place where it’s probably not going to be received and I already don’t even feel like doing it. I’m almost [00:33:00] yeah I don’t even want to show up When i’m in that spot

Client: now, there’s a chance And I think it’s a good chance for me to at least take action.

Thank you so much.

Todd: Thank you for your work Yeah, really really nice to hear your work in this episode We looked at how debilitating the idea that you don’t have a say can be That feeling that you don’t have a say, that you’re powerless, is in itself robbing you of the experience of any power. And it was so clear in this piece of work how that thought made all the difference in the world.

We also looked at how you’re never actually powerless, no matter how impossible the situation. I mean, we started with a futile situation, you can’t fight City Hall, and it’s like they’ve already decided, and it just seems like what’s the use? [00:34:00] But as This participant went through her work. You could see little doors opening, little bits of possibility.

And regardless of whether the whole project is blocked or not blocked, The past, the power was starting to come back in, like the empowerment, the feeling of empowerment, which is what this work is about, was starting to show up. And so, finally, we also looked at how to find your power again, and that is by questioning the thought that robs you of it.

And it just takes a little moment to identify what is the thought. And in this case, it was, you know, they’ve already decided. Once you identify that thought, and then you start questioning it, And take your time with it and are patient with it, it can start to open and you can feel that shift begin to happen.

So thanks for being here, thanks for listening and [00:35:00] participating in this. I look forward to more sessions with you, and in the meantime, I hope you have a great rest of your day.

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