Letting Go of the Need to Go Deep: A Guided Meditation for Highly Sensitive People

By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how the desire to go deep can be a setup for getting stressed.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover why HSPs love to go deep and can get overly attached to depth, the effect of this attachment on peace of mind, and how to gently loosen the attachment without giving up a natural preference for depth. This is an edition of Guided Meditation Mondays. Where I’ll be guiding you to do the work of Byron Katie as you listen.

If you’re an HSP, you know that depth is good. Depth is where all the good stuff happens, and that’s why we love depth. We process things slowly, we process things thoroughly, and we love to get into the subtle in any kind of situation that we’re looking at. This is not a problem. I love depth, always will love depth.

But, it is also a tendency for us, because it’s so good, to get attached to depth. And this can be a problem when you look at stress. Because attachment of any kind, even to a good thing, can lead to a feeling of just yeah, frustration. If you can’t get to the depth anger, even if other people are not able to go there with you it can be something that can.

Make your mind kind of race and loop and end up being frustrated instead of enjoying so we’re gonna look today at how to Work with this kind of attachment and as I love the work of Byron Katie It’s a great way to take a stressful thought or a stressful situation and begin to question it and see if we can on an experiential level find A different view that could be a little less stressful, a little less attached.

So to start this Look for a situation where you were looking to go deep with someone maybe someone or something and It wasn’t happening. This is the kind of thing where yeah depth is great if it happens But when it doesn’t happen, then it can be stressful So look for a situation like a real situation if you can the more specific the better where you were trying to get to the bottom of things trying to get to the real heart of the matter And for some reason you were not being successful or it was not possible or it was difficult.

So take a second and look for a time like that. It could be in a relationship, it could be with a project, it could be with something you’re studying or learning how to do it could be in anything. So what’s a situation that happened for you?

I’m thinking of a time that’s happening for me these days. I’m designing the curriculum for my HSP Inner Freedom program, which is a 12 week program, and it’s about stress management, and it’s about inner work, and it’s about the HSP trait, and it’s something I care about. And I want to do a good job with, and I want to go deep with it.

I want to get really into it. And so It’s a kind of example, it’s also because of the largeness of the project for me, it can feel a little frustrating because it’s not always just easy. It doesn’t just always just pop out. So how about you? Is there a project you’re working on or is there a relationship or is there a situation where you’re wanting to go deeper than you’re able to at the moment?

And you can pause the recording if you want a little more time with this. What we’ll do is we’re going to question a thought and I’ve picked one to question the thought that I’d like to go with is I want to get to the bottom of it and this may be Slightly different in your situation. It may be like I want to get to the heart of it Or I want to really Go deep with it.

There may be different ways of saying the same thing So you may want to translate it into a way that makes sense for you But I’ll be questioning the thought. I want to get to the bottom of it. So let’s begin by being in the situation that you just identified. And answer the first question of the work, which is it true?

Is it true? You want to get to the bottom of it,

and this is a yes or a no.

I’m going with a yes. It’s just, it feels true to me. That’s what I really want. And I want to be honest when I’m asking these questions of myself. But either way, yes or no, whichever lands closest to you, then stick with that. And then if your answer was yes for number one, let’s go to question number two, which is.

Can you absolutely know it’s true? You want to get to the bottom of this? You want to get to the heart of this? You want to go deep with this? Are you sure?

And again, be honest.

I’m actually going to stick with a yes here. Feels true to me, even though it’s a little stressful.

Next question is, how do you react? What happens when you believe this thought, when you’re attached to this thought, that you want to get to the bottom of it or the heart of it? You want to go deep with it? What happens to you? What happens to your life?

I notice that I start to push a little bit.

I start to dig a little harder. There’s a little, almost an element of desperation, even though it’s not really. There’s a little bit of that.

I’m impatient.

I see or I should rather I should say I feel a Potential there. I feel oh I can imagine this is gonna be really good. I can see where this is going

And, at the same time, I’m not quite sure how to get there yet. So when I think I want to get to the bottom of it, and I’m attached to it in any way, there’s an urgency to get there faster. I notice a little more tension in my forehead, back of my neck, just that concentration effort. How about you? What happens when you have the thought you want to get to the bottom of it and it’s maybe not easy to do?

I also have the ability to sometimes

Get rid of everything else in my life. I’m just want to focus on this. I just want to go deep I even fantasize about doing that more like I remember being in college and having the whole day that I could go in the library and just Go deep with something and it’s harder to do and you know at my age or at least that’s my story how do you react what happens when you want to get to the bottom of it and it’s not coming easily

I notice the frustration.

I can even go in the other direction and become lethargic about it and think, Ah, maybe I don’t want to be doing this. Maybe it’s too much.

How do you treat the project? How do you treat the person that you’re wanting to go deep with? This is also part of reaction.

It’s funny, it almost becomes like a thing, like I’m, I want to go deep and it’s, I’m almost like using the project. Even though it’s something I’m interested in. To get to this goal of depth, whatever that means. And I see images from the past of that experience of depth. I’ve had it many times.

It’s very satisfying. So I’m urging myself on to get that satisfying experience. And when it doesn’t come quickly, there’s a, there’s even more urgency.

So let’s compare that now with. The next question, which is, who would you be without the thought that you want to get to the bottom of it, or that you want to get to the heart of it, or that you want to get, go deep with it? Who would you be in your situation?

I immediately feel lighter.

I feel more breath coming in my chest.

Without the thought, I want to get to the bottom of it. Even though I’m pursuing something that is leading me towards depth. And I’m excited about that. There isn’t that pressure, there isn’t that urgency, there isn’t that push.

How about you? Look at your situation. Maybe it’s with another person, maybe it’s with a project of some kind, something you’re learning. Who would you be without the thought that you want to get to the bottom of it?

And I can say, who would you be if you were not attached to the idea of getting there?

I start to feel a lot of space opening up. And it feels more like play, less like work, like I’m exploring the unknown, and that’s fun. I don’t know if I’ll get somewhere or not. I’m an explorer heading out.

Yeah, not every exploration ends in some kind of what they would say is success. So there’s a freedom in that, like a freedom to see where it goes. And A willingness to pace myself instead of trying to get there. Now that I think about it, that, that desire to get there when I’m attached to it, that’s almost an addictive quality.

Like I remember how great that experience feels of really landing in a place of depth, real understanding or real connection. And it’s I’m addicted. I want that again. It’s a kind of a high in a way. And I think that’s the only way I can be happy. But without the thought, if I’m not attached to the thought, I want to get to the bottom of it, or I want to get back to that experience, I’m actually seeing there’s a lot of enjoyment in the exploration phase, whether I reach It’s endpoint or not and that feels freeing.

So that’s the difference with the thought I want to get to the bottom of it without the thought I want to get to the bottom of It’s a difference of experience of the process may be the same but the experience feels lighter easier more enjoyable less urgent,

so let’s look at a turnaround for this thought which is an opposite and See if we can find any truth in that so one turnaround could be I don’t want to get to the bottom of it So how could that be? Okay, how could that maybe another version of that would be I’m willing to not get to the bottom of it Let’s play with that one.

How could you be willing to not get there?

What I notice in my heart is just as just this kind of sweet smile almost like I’m like Oh, I’m willing to not get to the bottom of this I’m in this for the fun of exploring and I don’t know how far it’ll go and That’s good enough for me, there’s just something sweet about that, something easy about that.

I’m enjoying not having the pressure. So yeah, I’m willing to not get to the bottom of it,

especially since I can’t really always control that. I can work hard, I can push, I can try, but results come or they don’t come, and it’s not always a direct correlation to how much work I do. There’s a certain element of luck in it, maybe? Or just patience. So this turnaround feels at least as true to me.

That I’m willing not to get to the bottom of it. Just because of the easiness that feels. So let’s push it. Another version of this turnaround would be I look forward to not getting to the bottom of it. This sacrilege. But let’s play with it. Could there be any truth in it for you? How can we make sense of this?

I look forward. to not getting to the bottom of it. Let’s say I could never get to the bottom of it again. Sounds terrible, right? But is it?

I’m putting so much value on the bottom of it, or the depth of it, that I miss It’s the higher layers of it, the superficial layers, if you want to label them that way.

And those also are interesting. I look forward to not getting to the bottom of it. It’s like having a puzzle, like a dog having a bone to chew on. If I’m at the bottom of it, it’s over, but it’s the getting to the bottom, even if I don’t reach it. That is also interesting.

Yeah. So in my case, designing this curriculum, how could not getting to the bottom of it be something I would want or even look forward to? One thought is as I present the course, the first time I’ll get some feedback and I may get some ideas. Other people may support me in going deeper with it. So I look forward to that.

It’s collaborative. It doesn’t just have to be me getting to the bottom of it and then presenting that.

So another turnaround could be, I want to get to the bottom of my thinking about it. This is always a fun turnaround in the sense that what’s causing the frustration of not reaching my goal of depth is my thinking, my attachment, my desire to get there is actually getting in the way of the process itself.

So I want to get to the bottom of that. I want to get to the bottom of my thinking about that so that I can let the process run its course.

And the beautiful thing about not being attached to something, if that’s possible, is that surprises come up. And sometimes you think you’re going in this direction and suddenly it turns in the other direction and something unexpected comes along. Happens all the time in scientific discovery, any kind of exploration.

So I want to get to the bottom of my thinking that’s got this idea of where I’m supposed to go based on past experiences, based on a feeling I had in other experiences. And I want to open myself to the possibility of new experiences and new avenues.

And then if you want to take it another version, another kind of turnaround, another opposite could be instead of I want to get to the bottom of it, I am at the bottom of it. You’re like, maybe this is as bottom of it as it gets for now. In fact, that’s probably a truism. There’s probably truth in that always.

I’m as deep as I can possibly be right now. And then that may change and it may deepen again, and it may deepen again, but in each stage, I’m at the bottom of it. I can’t go any further unless I can. So that gives me another feeling of completion, another feeling of contentment, that even though it’s a work in progress I’m plumbing the depths.

It’s just that there’s some little sandbars here and rocks here in the way. And it’s, as I keep moving, I may find deeper. water, but at every point I’m as deep as I can be.

So I don’t want to get to the bottom of it. I want to enjoy each level of depth. In this episode, we looked at why HSPs love to go deep and how they can get overly attached to depth. I certainly have that experience and there’s good reason for that. Depth is interesting. It’s where solutions are found.

It’s where connections are made. It’s where real planning takes place. It’s wonderful, and it feels good. Nothing wrong with that, but, as with anything, it’s easy to get attached to something like that. The effect of attachment is a loss of peace of mind, and We saw that in the experience of how we react when we believe the idea that we want to go deep.

We want to get to the bottom of it. And we also looked at how to gently loosen this attachment without giving up our natural preference for depth. Again, it’s not the wanting to go deep that is the problem. It’s the attachment to wanting to go deep. The attachment to going deep is causing the stress. I may just naturally desire to go deep.

Okay, let me go for it. But if I run into any problems along the way, if I’m not attached to it, I can adjust and take a break and be comfortable with whatever level of depth I’ve been able to get to. So thanks for listening. It’s great to do this work with you and I look forward to another session. And in the meantime, have a great rest of your day