Loosening the Need to Fix Family Relationships: A Path for HSPs

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how loosening the need to fix family relationships can lead to unexpected peace and clarity.

Todd: Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

Todd: In this episode, you’ll discover how well meaning thoughts can unexpectedly create stress and tension, how to have a good relationship with someone even if you can’t change the personality dynamics between you, and how challenging [00:01:00] relationships can become powerful opportunities for personal growth.

Todd: Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays. You bring your questions and stressful situations. And I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did.

Client: I would like to do something with, um, mother, father, sister, brother, et cetera. Good stuff. Those are the best. And my mom, who is. Going to be 90 this year. Um, we always had a, a, how, how would I say, a challenging relationship. We know we love each other, so that’s important. [00:02:00] But I think it has to do with personalities or so, characters or whatever.

Client: Um, and I’m staying with her this winter, so that means about three or four months. And, um, I noticed within myself that I really want to try to make the relationship better before she dies. And the more I try, the more a lot gets triggered, and so I get the, the opposite result, let’s call it that way. So, I would like to do some work on, on that, on the want or so, or if you, if you think of something that could be more, more to the core or so, please.

Client: No, I think

Todd: you’ve [00:03:00] identified a want there, a kind of, it’s a, we often call it a motive, even if it’s a good motive, it’s something you really want, that’s a positive thing, that would be great. Um, but still it’s any attachment that is still there about that, anything that’s, that I can’t. Yeah, that like I need to get there.

Todd: I want to get there. Um, if there’s any attachment, that’s when the stress can start to come up. Um, so, so yeah, that the phrasing I heard is, I want to make the relationship better before she dies or something like that. That sound close to you.

Client: Yeah, yeah, of course this is all about things in the past. It’s, uh, about childhood, youth, whatever, it’s, uh, it’s our common history.

Client: And it feels like Okay, there are a lot of good things, but there are also a lot of things that I want to get solved or so, [00:04:00] before she dies.

Todd: Yeah, understandable. Okay, so let’s do the work. You want to make the relationship better before she dies. Is it true? Yes. And can you absolutely know it’s true? You want to make the relationship better before she dies?

Client: Yes.

Todd: So, how do you react? What happens when this thought is in your mind on some level that you want to make the relationship better before she dies? How do you react?

Client: I actually feel cramped, tight. It’s also in my body, in my, in my breast. Um,

Client: [00:05:00] I noticed that I, I’m trying to make no mistakes. I’m walking around here. And, uh, it’s, it’s actually strange, that, that kind of reaction. I want to make mistakes. Uh,

Client: um, I, I actually, there’s also a lot of pleasing, wanting to please her. Like,

Client: um, it’s, that’s, I think that’s where our personalities, um, can, can fight. If she says something that I don’t agree with, I cannot [00:06:00] just go with that. I have to tell her that I don’t agree and that I don’t agree with it. You know? So, and then, and then this feels to me like a mistake. I shouldn’t do that. But on the other hand, I want her to be, to, I want her to know that I don’t agree.

Client: And then, and then let’s, let’s agree to disagree or something, but, uh, most of the time it doesn’t turn out that way.

Client: So these are all things that happen, uh, when I, I try to be myself because I think that’s important too. And at the same time, I want to please her and not make mistakes. [00:07:00] And it doesn’t feel authentic. So, I think I behave in a less authentic way when I, when I have that want.

Todd: Yeah. So, interesting, because it’s a, it sounds like a great want, a want to make the relationship better before she dies,

Client: right?

Client: But it’s,

Todd: but it’s bringing, it’s bringing in this inauthenticity and, and, and stress as you’re describing. Yeah,

Client: it’s like walking on eggshells.

Client: And then when it’s, when we have a good time, uh, together, it feels more relaxed, but it feels, um, a [00:08:00] bit artificial. So it’s not, it’s, yeah. So Cool. in any way, it’s almost never just relaxed.

Todd: Right. Cause you’ve got this, this idea of where you want it to end or you, where you want it to be before she dies. And so am I making progress or not? And there’s almost a keeping score.

Client: Yeah. Yeah. And also the feeling that there There are a lot of things blocking any progression in that. So, uh, I feel that I get stuck in, in that because I want that progression.

Todd: Yeah, like you mentioned [00:09:00] personalities, then that’s not going to change, right? No,

Client: no. After so many years, no.

Todd: So, right, right. And how do you treat your past, like the, the, when you were younger and the different issues you had and things of the past, how do you treat them now when you think I want to make the relationship better before she dies?

Client: Yes. It’s strange. I, I don’t, I don’t really see a relationship there. Um,

Client: uh, there are a lot of things, like, I think almost every [00:10:00] child has, has had some traumas in their youth, uh, and childhood. Um,

Client: but I have been working on that a lot on my own or with a friend or so. Never with my mom. So,

Client: I don’t know.

Client: I, I don’t, I don’t know what to, what to say to that question.

Todd: That’s fine. Yeah, it may not apply. Yeah, that’s fine. Like, how do you, how do you see or even judge your relationship with your mother when you think that you want to make it better before she dies?

Client: Yeah, it’s certainly not perfect.[00:11:00]

Client: Um,

Client: it’s, uh, it’s very mixed. There is a lot of, uh, understanding involved too. Because I know some things about her youth. So it’s, uh, I can understand in many ways why she acts the way she acts or why her personality is that way. So for me, that’s important to, to show, to feel compassion too. So that’s one thing.

Client: And then I can see more and more that she is actually just mirroring what I cannot accept for myself. So, it’s, it’s, it’s [00:12:00] really mixed, it’s, like, when, when I get triggered by her, it’s, I, I really don’t like it, I really, really don’t like it. And at the same time, after a while, I can, I can also be grateful that it happened.

Client: because it taught me some more things about myself. But, um, yeah, it’s, it’s overall, it’s very, very, very mixed, very mixed feelings. that relationship.

Todd: Yeah, it’s almost inherent in the thought, right? I want to make the relationship better. There’s an inherent belief that it’s not good or not good enough or something.

Todd: Um, but it can be mixed. It can be a whole and that can, that in itself can be.

Client: Yeah, I think that the, the thing that I really would like to be [00:13:00] better is That I could be more myself or more, um,

Client: I need to think about that because it’s, it’s also not that I’m, I can never be myself when I’m with my mom. That’s not true either. So what is it that I want to be better in that relationship?

Todd: That’s a great question. Yeah.

Client: It’s, it’s not so clear to me actually now, now that I think of it. . Mm-hmm . Um.

Client: I think it has to do with,

Client: it, in the end, it, [00:14:00] it comes down to, um, what Katie calls LAA, love, appreciation, and approval. Um, it’s, and it’s, it is from my childhood, so I still don’t feel approved. and appreciate it. So every so often I can feel it, but it’s not enough, you know? So, and it’s, it’s still, it’s, that’s really from my childhood.

Client: So I think that’s actually the need that is behind that wanting that relationship to be better.

Todd: Right. If the relationship is better, then you’ll have more of that approval or that, uh,

Client: or the other way around. If she, that, that would be a good thing to question too. If she would approve of me more [00:15:00] than the relationship would be better.

Client: That’s what is behind that.

Client: And actually what helped me to find this is that she has a different relationship with my youngest sister. And I, because I, I’m now here with her and whenever she’s on the phone with my youngest sister, her voice changed, changes, her intonation is different, her, the whole energy is different. So, so then it becomes really clear and the nice thing is, I think, I don’t feel jealous.

Client: I’m actually happy that she has that kind of relationship with my youngest sister. But, um, on the other side, it really triggers the, all the, the childhood feelings around that of not being good enough and, [00:16:00] and not a lot of approval on the contrary. So that is, that’s it. That is. It’s good to see that.

Todd: That’s really good to see.

Client: Yeah, yeah.

Todd: So, let’s keep going with the questioning then. Yes. So, who would you be without the thought that you want to make the relationship better before she dies?

Client: Hmm. It would be, I would just be me. And, uh, and there would be It would be a lot less tight, it would be more spontaneous,

Client: and I wouldn’t be so attached to the outcome, [00:17:00] so if it doesn’t become better, that’s, that’s okay. I mean, that’s what it is. We both did the best we could.

Client: So, it wouldn’t, actually it would even enhance my love for her,

Client: just, uh, naturally. Like, I don’t, if you say, if you’re talking about a better relationship, A relationship is something between two people, so if I, if I want a better relationship there is a hidden, a hidden want to change the other.

Client: So, if I don’t believe that thought, that’s gone too. So,

Client: uh, [00:18:00] she can be whoever she is and I will love her the way she is. no need for change.

Todd: That’s cool. That’s cool. Takes the pressure off.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: And allows. You to be more yourself, which is what you were wanting.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: And her to be more herself.

Client: Yeah, and less pleasing.

Todd: Less pleasing. Or maybe, or

Client: maybe it wouldn’t be pleasing anymore.

Client: It would be real. I mean. if I would do something. I can actually feel that sometimes that it’s that when I do something to help her or whatever, it’s not pleasing. It’s just to help. And there is a difference.

Todd: You feel the difference. Yeah, exactly.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: [00:19:00] That’s that. That’s what the a motive does that’s what a thought like a want like this does is it no one else can tell the difference but you feel it yourself it’s like i want to make the relationship better before she dies there’s this silent pushing there as opposed to if that thought isn’t there it’s it’s for just easy and who knows it may improve it may not improve but It’s simple.

Todd: It’s simple.

Client: Maybe, maybe I find out that it’s not bad after all.

Todd: Maybe. Very possible. Very possible.

Client: Yeah, I can actually really imagine that now. It’s Yeah. That’s so funny. I mean, because of the want, your focus is on all these things. Right. If the want is gone, then there is no focus on whatever is not so good.

Todd: Like I said earlier, the [00:20:00] inside of the want to make the relationship better is contained this idea that the relationship’s not good enough. So

Client: yes. They

Todd: kind of go together and when they, when one falls away, the other one also falls away and you’re left with, well, maybe it’s a better relationship than I even thought.

Client: Yeah. And since I’m a perfectionist,

Client: that possibility even becomes bigger.

Todd: Yeah. Sounds likely, yes. Okay, so how would you turn the thought around? I want to make the relationship better before she dies.

Client: I don’t want to make the relationship better before she dies.

Todd: Sounds like, sounds sacrilegious, but let’s explore. How could it be true?

Client: Well, after, after question four, it’s almost natural to not want that.

Client: Yeah. [00:21:00] So, we already had a lot of examples in question four why I would not want it. Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. Exactly. So just keep It

Client: feels true. It really feels true.

Todd: So just reiterate a few, reiterate a few of those and, and if any more come in, we can add those in as well. What are the reasons why it’s also fine if the relationship doesn’t get better?

Client: Yeah, because, uh, I, uh, I can be more myself, we both can be more ourselves, um,

Client: I would even love her more, probably, uh, and at least in a more, in a less, [00:22:00] Uh, in a less charged way or so,

Client: um,

Client: what else did we find?

Todd: Those are good ones. Um,

Client: remember I have a short memory

Todd: and look for new ones too, right? Like why else could it be that you would actually not want to make the relationship better before she dies? Like any advantages to not. Making it better. How is it good the way it is? I don’t know.

Client: Because maybe it is just good the way it is.

Todd: So what’s good about it? Let’s list some of the qualities.

Client: We really care for each other. I can see that [00:23:00] when she, she cooks for me. And I run errands for her and I do the dishes and it’s all natural. I mean, there’s nothing in us that says, Oh, now I have to, it’s, it’s, it really goes very, very. smooth, smoothly.

Todd: So that’s a beautiful part of your relationship. That’s really perfect in a way.

Client: Yeah. And we can really, she has, she has a really nice sense of humor. Okay. Great. So when we start to, to be in a humorous mood, then, oh man, we can laugh so much together. It’s really fun.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Yeah. She’s very witty.

Todd: That’s a real blessing.

Client: Yeah. Yeah. [00:24:00]

Todd: So I don’t want to make the relationship better before she dies. I’m hearing these things that are really good about it. And let’s look at the little piece about approving, you know, maybe she doesn’t prove as much, um, like, or maybe not a hundred percent. How has that good? How is it serving you?

Todd: What is the value in that as it is?

Client: Oh, that’s, uh, that’s very clear to me. Uh, if she doesn’t approve of me, I have to do it myself. That’s called becoming emotionally adult.

Todd: Yes, there it is. And you get to practice it with your mom. And

Client: also I think, uh, I really like this exercise in approving of her Yeah.

Client: That’s a living turnaround actually. . Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. If she’s not approving [00:25:00] of you, it gives you two choices. One, or not choices, but two options. One is to approve of yourself, practice that. Mm-hmm. The other is approve of her, and in either case you get the, the enjoyment of,

Client: yeah,

Todd: the experience of approval. Even though you’re the one giving it instead of the one receiving it.

Client: Yeah, actually I Like much more to give it and then to receive it.

Todd: There you go There you go. So I don’t want to make the relationship better before she dies because look at this I have so much opportunity to give myself approval even though it challenges me and to give her approval Even if she’s not giving it to me

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So any other turnaround I want to make the relationship better before she dies?

Client: I want to make it worse.

Todd: [00:26:00] Okay. How could that also be a factor here? Is there any truth in it? I don’t know.

Client: That’s heavy stuff. I don’t think that’s true.

Todd: It may not be. It may not be.

Client: No, that’s too much.

Todd: Maybe it’s just, if I’m trying to make it better so much that I’m actually making it worse.

Client: With always,

Todd: with these turnarounds, we take them as, as options. possibilities to explore, and then we have to just see if they make any sense or not. Sometimes they make sense, sometimes they don’t, and sometimes if you sit in it longer it makes more sense, but Yeah,

Client: you know, the only thing I could say is that the more, the worse it gets, it gets, the more I can practice.

Client: That’s, that’s the only thing I, I could, I could find, but it’s a bit too heavy. I mean, why make it so difficult? [00:27:00]

Todd: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It kind of shows like either direction trying to make it better or trying to make it worse are kind of ridiculous. Like let’s just have it the way it is and that’s so much easier and lighter and

Client: everything.

Client: So true.

Todd: Yeah. Okay. Any other turnaround? I want to make the relationship better before she dies.

Client: Um, if, if you would say that there is a hidden part in the, in the, the wand, which is I want to make the relationship with her better or with myself better.

Todd: Right, right.

Client: Yeah. So,

Todd: so turn it around towards yourself.

Client: Yes. Uh, that’s true. That’s, that’s maybe more true even at least relationship with

Todd: myself better before, before she dies.

Client: Yeah. Because that’s [00:28:00] the key to everything. If it’s better. with myself, then it will be better with her. It’s, there’s no other way. So, so that’s, that’s the, the first thing actually. So, yes.

Todd: So how could you do that? How could you make your relationship with yourself better? while you’re living with her?

Client: Yeah, the first thing that comes to me is that living turnaround that we already said that to approve of her and to approve of myself. I think that’s really important.

Todd: So give me a few things that you approve of her, just if you can think of any.

Client: the, the way she cares for me and, uh, and her humor and, um, she, she has a real talent to. [00:29:00] To, how, how would I say that? I remember when my kids were still small, she, she would not, um, how do you say that in English? Um, she would not come in between to say what she thinks is a good way or whatever. She would really refrain from from that.

Client: And I’ve always appreciated that enormously. And especially now that I have grandkids myself, I can feel how, how difficult that is.

Todd: Right. Exactly.

Client: So that even enhances that appreciation.

Todd: Beautiful. Beautiful. Now, what does that feel like as you’ve just been describing that about your mom?

Client: Yeah. Good, of course.

Client: These

Todd: are

Client: things I like [00:30:00] to, to be too. I like to, to be like her in those things.

Todd: Yeah. So seeing those things that are, that are good in her that you approve of, that you, that you like, um, about her nourishes something inside automatically. Yes. It’s a powerful living turnaround.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Great. Well, thank you for your work.

Client: Thank you. I, I, I really, yeah, it was revealing.

Todd: Nice. Yeah. In this episode, we looked at how well meaning thoughts can unexpectedly create stress and tension. And we saw that the thought, I want to make the relationship better before she dies, it’s a very well meaning thought.

Todd: It seems like a really good thought, and in a lot of ways, it is a good thought. [00:31:00] But if I’m attached to it, if there’s something in it that’s kind of a need, or if there’s something deeper motivating that, then that Thought can actually become stressful and can actually get in the way of the relationship, uh, being what it is.

Todd: We also looked at how to have a good relationship with someone even if you can’t change the personality dynamics between you. And this is, again, how this thought overlying, it should be better, there’s something wrong with it, it should be better. How that actually is kind of setting up an impossibility where, of course, we don’t change our personalities.

Todd: And so now something has to change or somehow we have to have some breakthrough and now I’m under a time pressure. I mean, these are all the things that stress out HSPs. So, yeah, it’s nice to see that the thought is causing the stress more than the actual relationship. [00:32:00] And when you get down to it, in this case, The relationship was actually pretty good.

Todd: So, this is just how, it depends on how you look at the relationship. And then finally, we looked at how challenging relationships can become powerful opportunities for personal growth. And that’s always the case with the work of Byron Katie because you look at it and then you use that as the springboard to look into your own self, to improve your relationship with yourself, and to see what you can do from your side instead of waiting for things to change from the outside, or in letting yourself be a little easier instead of having to fix everything, just being with the way it is.

Todd: So thanks for being with us. Thanks for listening. And it’s always a pleasure to sit and go through some of the specifics of different situations and see how it always leads back to myself and to a feeling of [00:33:00] more empowerment and more options and more ease. So thanks for being here, and I hope you have a great rest of your day.