Managing Stress & Uncertainty: Letting Go of “I Don’t Know Where to Start”

Wende: Okay. So, um, I’m going to be doing a training program help like a coaching or team building program for a company in the construction industry where at least a third of their employees are, um, Potentially, at risk of being deported, even though they do have permission to work in the country, it seems like that’s not stopping the agencies from deporting them. So, um, I have a normal program that I generally do with companies that are in construction or in these areas, but I don’t really know what to say, what to do. In a case where they’re concerned about losing, not, it’s more than just them losing a third of their [00:04:00] employees because that will affect their business significantly, also the relationships that they’ve created among themselves. And so for me to go in there and start working with them, um, what keeps coming up in my head is I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to start. So I came here with I don’t know where to start.

Todd: That sounds like a good place to start. So great. Let’s use that, that stressful thought as a starting point for doing the work.

Wende: Okay.

Todd: So you don’t know where to start with these, these coaching clients, um, that are going to be at risk of losing a bunch of their employees, uh, because of being deported. So is it true?

Todd: You don’t know how to start or sorry. Don’t know where to start. Yeah. Yes. Okay. And can you absolutely know it’s true. You don’t know where to start.[00:05:00]

Wende: That’s not coming. I don’t know where to start. It’s true.

Todd: Okay. And did I get it right? It’s no, I don’t know where to start. Uh, is that the words that you’re using or was it? I don’t know how to start. That

Wende: the I just wrote it down. Where’d I write it down? I don’t

Todd: was the problem. I would, I didn’t write it down. I was starting to write it down and it, and it slipped away.

Wende: I don’t know where to start.

Todd: Okay, perfect. I just want to get your words as they came out. Okay. So how do you react? What happens when you’re thinking of, you know, you’re planning these coaching sessions and in the back of your mind or in the four of your mind, you have this thought, I don’t know where to start.[00:06:00]

Wende: I play out endless scenarios in my head of different ways of beginning it. Um, I know that, know, there’s a, I don’t want to say a template, but there’s a method of being able to just kind of let them let me know what is going on. But My concern is that this is not something that is common or at least it not been in all the years that I’ve been doing this kind of work. I feel like maybe I’ve taken on not more than I can handle, but more than I can handle. Um, is like almost possible for someone to walk in and try to help with, you know, and, and I’m not concerned about my credentials. I’m more concerned about [00:07:00] doing no damage, you know, not, not creating a problem to begin with, getting people in a place where they can hear and, and, um, Yeah, this is like, it’s, it’s new frontier, you know, I’ve walked into hostile environments before, but I’m not, I’ve not walked into this desperate fear before,

Todd: Now, so what happens inside of you when you think you don’t know where to start?

Wende: I’m afraid I’m gonna say the wrong thing that I’m, I’m just, I’m going to stir it up and I’m not going to be able to control it, that, that I, if, you know, if I let People talk too much about their concerns that it’s going to turn into, you know, a huge upset. Um, I, it’s a company so that there’s likely people on different sides in the company. [00:08:00] I, you know, I want to be able to it so that people are willing to listen before I bring up any subjects and, um, and so every time I have the thought, Oh, I could start with this because, you know, I’ll get them to, to actually agree to allow both sides to complete talking while we listen to what’s actually going on. And then the next. Five minutes later, I think, oh, I know I could start with this, or I could start with that. And, and each one of ’em makes sense, but not one of them is coming out and they all have me envisioning some form of, of bashing each other over heads with chairs in the middle of it.

Todd: Right, right.

Wende: And me just running outta there, it’s like, I think I should get my money in advance.

Wende: Thoughts, you know,

Todd: Yeah, so everything you envision ends [00:09:00] up in the same place of a huge upset, and so I don’t know where to start, right? This is the thought that keeps, that we’re looking at here. Um, any images from the past when you think this kind of thought, I don’t know where to start,

Wende: Huh? Yeah, I have walked into situations with certain departments cities where they’re already violent with each other. Um, trying to run each over, run each other over in the parking lot and, and sabotaging their food. I mean, they’re, yeah. So, and, and I have kind of just, you know, sit down and shut [00:10:00] up, kind of started like that. And your children. Um, yeah. And then, but it, it worked out. It’s like, uh, at the time that it was happening, I knew exactly what I needed to do, and I did that. Oh, now it’s making me realize that I didn’t know ahead of time what to do. I just knew in the moment what to do. And that worked. So it is interesting that I’m trying to figure out ahead of time, without actually being in the room with them, and reading them, that I think I need to know what to do.

Todd: Mm hmm. So, how does this thought affect your planning? You know, like as you’re preparing or getting ready, you think, I don’t know where to start.

Wende: Well, it’s interesting because it came up when they asked for an outline and I thought, well, I’m going to do these [00:11:00] things, but I don’t know what in what order, but maybe that’s what the outline should be. Here are some of the things that may happen during that first session and not necessarily in this order.

Todd: Mm. Mm hmm.

Wende: Yeah, because my brain immediately went to, oh, I need to tell them, well, I’m going to do this, and I’m going to do that, and then I’m going to do this, and I can’t predict that it’s going to be that way.

Todd: So, how does this thought affect your stress level when you think you don’t know where to start?

Wende: It has me thinking, how close to the door can I park? In

Todd: Yep.

Wende: to run out of there really fast.

Todd: Exactly.

Wende: Do I need to take Mason with me? A stun gun.

Todd: Right. [00:12:00] So who would you be without this thought that you don’t work, don’t know where to start as you’re planning, as you’re getting ready, as you’re thinking, as you’re communicating with them, who would you be without this thought?

Wende: think I, I think I’d be a whole lot more effective if I waited until, just be prepared for anything. And without the, you know, if I didn’t have this thought, I’d be able to just go in there and say, I have no idea what’s gonna happen. And I, I know I could run a few different scenarios through my mind and imagine what might be the right thing.

Wende: But, you know, something completely new that’s never happened before could occur. Um. They, they could actually be, like, welcoming me and happy to see me and curious and interested. You know? Usually when I go in, the things have gotten so bad that they’ve been told that they have to do this. it’s often an insurance company or someone who’s sending me in. Um. In this case, they reached out. [00:13:00] it may be, maybe I just will let it play it by ear and see what happens and it’s going to work or not. That’s kind of the way life goes, huh?

Todd: Yeah, so notice the difference in your body with the thought. I don’t know where to start and without the thought.

Wende: Like when my shoulders drop down about four inches.

Todd: Yeah, I like that.

Todd: Yeah.

Wende: Yeah, and my voice is getting deeper because I’m not squeezing my chest tight. Uh huh. I’m breathing. I’m not sitting on my hands now. Okay.

Todd: So this is the even physical effect of the thought. I don’t know where to start. Just tenses everything up, leaves you in a place of not knowing [00:14:00] where to go and, and I should know where to go and, and, and

Wende: Which hand

Todd: the stress.

Wende: mace in?

Todd: Yeah, right. Getting ready to park near the door.

Wende: Well, and, you know, the picture is They’re reaching out and I and I forgot that I forget that when I’m in the space of I don’t know when to start

Todd: a great piece of this. You know, like part of how you react is you block out some details that actually could be really helpful to see.

Wende: Yeah, I’ve been called in work with groups where they did not want someone to enter Interrupt and these are they’re asking for we need some help here So that makes a huge difference and I didn’t commit to actually helping them. I committed to with them ahead of time and taking them through the beginning of know what I do the way I do it and which incidentally does include doing [00:15:00] the work.

Wende: So they’re in the process Not usually the first meeting but a little bit of the work kind of works its way in I see how they react to it And then um, if we do do the project then everyone gets to they learn the work. Yeah Well, what’s

Todd: Yeah.

Wende: is yeah

Todd: So how would you turn the thought around? We’ve seen that it’s stressful with the thought, obviously, when without the thought, it’s less stressful. So what would be an opposite? Right.

Wende: I’m not to interrupt you my apologies. Um, I don’t know where to start. Yay

Todd: Okay. Mm hmm.

Wende: I

Todd: Yeah.

Wende: know where to start because I’m not standing in front of them listening to what’s happening yet. I just know the, the desire of their senior staff that they get. This is the better part too. It’s not the insurance company telling me to go fix this. It’s their senior staff saying they’ve been asking for some help and being able to be calmer [00:16:00] and Able to focus more on their jobs and, and how are they going to protect their employees?

Todd: Yeah.

Wende: Yeah,

Todd: So it’s, it’s like, of course you don’t know where to start because you haven’t, you’re not there yet. You haven’t been, haven’t actually seen the details of the situation and who’s there and where everyone is.

Wende: right.

Todd: Okay. So what’s another turnaround? I don’t know where to start.

Wende: I do know where to start. I park, get out of my car. I walk in the building. I introduce myself.

Todd: Yeah,

Wende: I get, I get out in front of them and I go, okay guys, where do you want to start?

Todd: it’d be that simple. It’d be that simple. I love it. You know, and for anyone listening, like you may have another kind of project or whatever, you don’t know how to start, but this is such an interesting turnaround of, okay, just go in there and then ask, what is [00:17:00] the next thing to do? And

Wende: They’re the ones that asked for the help. So. They should be the ones to tell me, where do you want to start? And if they say, we don’t know, that’s why we called you. Then I’ll just pick whatever seems right in the moment. And start there.

Todd: any other examples of that? I do know where to start or any other meaning that,

Wende: the, something to the effect of by other. It’s like, they, they don’t know where I’m going to come in and start.

Todd: okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Wende: of letting them know, hey, you know what, this isn’t the kind of thing [00:18:00] that you just, it’s not, it’s not rocket science where you do one step after the other. It’s, it’s very convoluted because it’s human thinking, behavior, feeling stuff.

Wende: Like, and, and I’m certain a lot of them are. overly sensitive. I don’t mean by overly, but you know, they’re highly sensitive.

Todd: Yep.

Wende: Yeah. I

Todd: with human emotions, thinking, uh, relationships, all of that. Uh, and, and it’s not just like you say, rocket science, where you take, you go first do this, then this, then this, then this, and then you land on the moon, you know,

Wende: mean, I don’t want to introduce anything to them that is so weird that they’re not going to, you know, I have to establish that I’m going to be speaking into their [00:19:00] ability to understand what I’m saying first.

Todd: sure.

Wende: You know, but I’m also going in there in my head thinking other construction workers when in fact they there could be quite a few of the senior management and people that are more, you know, and not that construction workers aren’t intelligent, but they’re not usually out seeking this kind of work. You know, I don’t know how many construction workers do the work,

Todd: Sure.

Wende: you

Todd: Yeah.

Wende: so I, I have, I want to give up my preconceived ideas of, oh, well, you’re a bunch of construction workers, you know, I could walk in and they’re mostly engineers or they’re management or something

Todd: Right.

Wende: down to guy that they just hired this morning kind of thing, right?

Todd: Yeah, so when you know who you’re talking to, then you’ll know you have a better idea of what

Wende: hey,

Todd: to say or where to go.

Wende: to start would be find out who I’m talking to.

Todd: That might be it. Yeah, that could even be done [00:20:00] before the meeting. Right. That’s it. So

Wende: have a meeting with them on the phone, or on a Zoom call at 11 o’clock this morning, which is, I’m in California, so it’s almost 10. So in about an hour, I’m gonna be doing a little pre meeting with them, so I can ask those questions and see, you know, they, um, yeah. I could do

Todd: how about another turnaround? Um, like almost like the double negative or something. Like, I don’t know where to not, or sorry, I know where to not start or something. Does that ring?

Wende: start. I’m not gonna start them do any tapping, and I’m not gonna start making them do the work. the first step of the work, which is answer these questions, actually be a good place to start. You know, when you start a full worksheet, you know, it’s like, well, who’s upsetting you and why? of thing.

Todd: Right.

Wende: Right? But I’m [00:21:00] not gonna just. I’m gonna, yeah, I don’t know where to, I do know where to not start. And demonstrating my, um, one of the things that I like is when they’re, I don’t want to say that I like it, when they’re hyper, they’re, they’re animated about what the issues are, because a lot of times when they get animated, the other person can’t hear them anymore. They’re, Taking on the forceful energy of the person who’s animated. And I want to demonstrate that a person can remain calm and listen while another person is animated. And so that I know I do know where to not start is trying to calm anybody down or invalidate anybody’s concerns. [00:22:00] Right,

Todd: Mm hmm.

Wende: and get being that way is normal and doesn’t require a response or reaction to it other than what is the person asking. So, so that would be how I’m going to start with me because I, because my thought was, how am I going to start them? I have to start me first, right? So me first is really listening as if the person is asking me calm, calmly, or saying something calmly, or that they’re coming from a loving space. we’re, yeah, I do know where to start, which is walk in there and, and be the example of what the outcome could be like.

Todd: Mm hmm. Yeah, it’s like come up in a couple different ways in this, like the, you know, where to start is by listening, you know, by asking who’s there by asking what’s going on by listening to that and listening to yourself [00:23:00] as well.

Wende: Yeah. Okay.

Todd: Okay. Well, thank you.

Wende: Thank you. That was pretty cool. You

Todd: knowing

Todd: and nothing changed. That’s the cool thing. No, I was saying, and nothing changed like in the situation, right? You know, like there is.

Wende: the situation is me still walking in there and I, you know, I don’t know what kind of mental state they’re in. I’ll probably find out a little bit more in my conversation with them in about an hour, but for the most part, uh, I, you know, I’ve already talked to the supervisors enough, um, they keep saying they’re pretty excited about it, which is another kind of stressful thing.

Wende: It’s like, oh no, I’m gonna have to do the work on, oh no, I’m gonna really disappoint them.

Todd: Right, [00:24:00] right, exactly. That’s part of what’s behind. That’s part of what’s behind this needing to know where to start because I need to deliver right because I don’t want to disappoint them, which makes it extra stressful. It’s like extra pressure. Um, but if I don’t need to know where to start, or I should say if I don’t need if I’m not worried about disappointing them, which is another piece of work.

Todd: Um, but if that if that could be, then then it opens up a whole nother level of freedom where you can walk in not knowing exactly how things are going to go, but open and willing to engage and, and trusting that whatever is supposed to happen will and doing your best, right? It’s a, it’s a different attitude, a different feeling.

Wende: At this point, really, all I can gather would be the logistics, like, where do they want me to park, and, you know, where’s the ladies room.

Todd: I mean, it’s really this whole thing is really about being present in a [00:25:00] way, right? It’s like if you’re if you’re it’s good to plan and it’s good to know things in advance But there’s so many things you can’t know in advance and especially in a situation like this that if you get too Far ahead of it.

Todd: You you can’t keep your eye on the ball as to when what to do next Oh, it’s it’s coming fast and hard to the left. Okay, just your body just moves to the left and responds, right? So

Wende: that’s true. Yeah.

Todd: Cool. Thank you. All right. Uh, so thank you all. Uh, it’s always great to sit here and do a little bit of the work and explore the unknown, not knowing where to start. That’s kind of like actually what this, this, these open sessions are like, too. I’m like, I don’t know where it is, where we’re going to start.

Todd: Don’t know where we’re going to go, but don’t have to know. Cause always something comes up. So thanks again. Uh, let [00:26:00] me just check the schedule, uh, next week. Looks like we have a two o’clock session on the 18th, which is Tuesday and that specific time. If that happens to work for you, love to see you here.

Todd: And if not, then I look forward to seeing you in another session. All right. Thank you.