Episode 164
Do you feel caught between a rock and a hard place when making decisions?
In this episode, you’ll discover:
Join me as we explore ways to approach decisions with clarity and balance.
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By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how inner work can help in the decision making process, even though inner work cannot make a decision for you.
Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.
In this episode, you’ll discover how to do inner work when you’re stressed about a decision, the two components of pain to consider when making a decision, and how to see more options when you feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays. You bring your questions and stressful situations?
And I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did. So, I have this situation of, fixing my teeth, with braces And it’s been kind of, an uphill battle for me, to say the least.
it’s been taking a while longer than what it should And then I noticed there’s quite a bit of physical pain every time I go to the dentist and adjust it this morning. I was really in pain when I woke up and then I was having the thought of is it really worth it?
Like, Should I go through this pain or should just get fake replacement teeth instead of trying to strengthen them and straighten them So I think that’s kind of like the thought that it’s It’s been like running in my mind since this morning.
It’s like, should I just keep doing it? is the pain worth it to get the end result kind of thing? Okay. Yeah. So this is an interesting situation. It’s, really kind of a question. is the pain worth it? should I take the easy way out?
Should I stick it out? And, and it’s really coming to like making a decision, right? So making a decision is something you have to use your common sense with or do research or make, you know, you have to sit with and find your, your growth with. I don’t use the work to make decisions like per se. Okay.
But if it’s stressful, if you’re caught in this place of not knowing how to make that decision or some stress around the decision making process, then we can do the work on any kind of stressful thoughts about that. So what do you think as you’re just kind of considering what now that you mentioned that kind of like lands more on the way of If I, if I stop doing it, then I’ll regret it later on.
And like that pain, it’s kind of like in the middle, like driving that, oh, you should stop. But then my sense tells me like, oh, if I stop now, then I’ll regret later on. And I would be thinking, oh, why you didn’t make it, what way to keep going or. Why you didn’t endure the pain or whatever, you know, yeah, so I’ll regret I’ll regret my decision if I just stop the process. Yep. Okay. one other thing that you can do with decision making is Look at both sides of it, right? Like on one side i’ll regret it If I stop doing it, I’ll regret it. Then we can say, if I keep doing it, then what is, what is stressful about that?
So, and then each side can be questioned. You’re still not making the decision, but you’re like loosening the attachment to one side or the other side. And that can be an interesting way to play with it as well. So what’s the other side of it? Like when, if you don’t, if you keep doing it, then what are you, what are you, what’s, are there any stressful thoughts around that?
Well, there’ll be more pain every time. Yeah. Okay. So now we have it. If I stop doing it, I’ll regret it later on. If I keep doing it, there will be more pain. this sets up a situation where you’re caught, we say, caught between a rock and a hard place where like both sides are bad. and then it’s like, you don’t know what I should do.
And that’s where I get stuck. So one way that can be very interesting with this kind of decision making situations is to question both sides. Question that I’ll regret it if I stop doing it. And then question, If I keep doing it, there will be more pain. So if you’re interested, we could play with that.
Yeah, I’m interested. Definitely interested. Okay, so let’s do the first one. First, if you stop doing these braces, which is causing a lot of pain, then you will regret it later on. Is that true?
Feels like a yes to me. And can you absolutely know it’s true that if you stop doing it, you’ll regret it later on?
So how do you react when you wake up in the morning and there’s a lot of pain because of the braces, and you have this thought, if you stop doing it, you’ll regret it later on?
Feels like I’m stuck and I’m forced to, like, feel the pain and just go through it and deal with it. Almost feels like I don’t have like a, the freedom to make a decision in a way. This is like I’m trapped.
I feel like I should just like force myself to do it just because I started it and I wanted to just end it. So it’s like if I feel the pressure of not just giving up in a way. And just keep going with it regardless of the pain that I may get from it too.
And then I see a lot of kind of blame on myself, like things like why I didn’t do it earlier in my life and why am I doing it now.
And then of course I put the blame also on other people like my parents and stuff like that for not being careful enough when I was growing up and things. Yeah,
and I feel like trapped. I feel a little bit hot inside. It’s like my chest gets hot and I feel like a little bit trapped because no matter where I go, it’s going to be a bad decision regardless. So I’m like the bad of the worst and I don’t know which one to switch. Yeah. And there’s this loop I’m stuck in the loop of like, If I should keep going or not, even though like there’s the same feeling of not giving up and not doing it, just keep going and all that kind of stuff. There’s like the question keeps looping in my mind about why you should do it and why is okay not doing it and why is okay doing it?
And it’s like, There’s no clear answer there. It is just, yeah, it just gets crazier and crazier. How about future images when you think you’ll regret it later on? What do you see?
Well, if I see blame too of like, if I stopped in, it will be like, Oh, why I didn’t continue doing it. If I was closer than what I was at the beginning or something like that.
And then I also see, like, I blame myself for not just. feeling the pain and just keep going with it because it’s similar. It brings me back to a different situation in the past when there was a lot of pain and one of the things that they put on it was so bad that I had to take it off myself because like I couldn’t sleep at all.
So there was a similar kind of pain this morning that I felt and I was like that brought me back a little bit. into that situation. So I’m like looking at it. But then if I go to the future, then I also think about that same situation and think, Oh, you should just having that pain, but then getting it fixed later on.
So it’s kind of like, A weird situation there in the middle or not even in the middle. Kind of flashing to the past and to the future And it’s interesting how that past image can make that feeling stronger too. because it’s, it’s, you remember that experience and that, so we don’t have just one experience now we have this experience plus the memory of the past experience, which intensifies it.
Yeah. And also that makes me think like if I would have had that just like kept doing it at that time, then what would it look like today, like probably it could be done already. If I just, you know, got that pain and just went by it and just kept feeling it or whatever taking pills for it or something like that and then.
Everything will be done by now. And I wouldn’t be in the same situation, kind of like going through it again. So who would you be without the thought that if you keep, if you don’t, sorry, that if you stop doing it, you’ll regret it later on.
I think there’s not a lot of thinking going on. There’s a lot of acceptance right there. I’m not comparing myself to other people.
I’m not even comparing myself to myself from the past or anything. I’ll be just
there with whatever solution I get at the time for it. So if I’m not having that thought, there’s more options to actually consider to get them fixed. So
yeah, without the thought, if I stopped doing these braces, then I’ll regret it later on. And you’re feeling pain.
Yeah. More options. That’s what I’m hearing.
Yeah. And I can see how like the, even though I still feel the pain, there’s like less focus on it. It’s like, yeah, it’s there, but there’s also other things, not just pain. It really shows that effect of that thought that when you think that you will regret it, then you don’t have any choice.
So now you are stuck in that pain and it actually can make the pain seem bigger than it is. And what I’m hearing without it, you’re seeing other things besides just the pain, going on. Yeah, that’s really interesting. Because it’s physical, it’s not that I’m just thinking about it from the past or something, I’m feeling it.
So, it’s really interesting to see it like, Not going away completely, but not feeling it as strong as before. Yeah. That’s an amazing thing about pain is that it can be amplified or diminished depending on how we’re thinking. It can be aggravated and made seems like even intolerable when some thoughts are there like, Oh my gosh, I’ll regret it if I don’t keep doing this.
Then it’s like, Oh, there’s, it can get louder. and without the thought, same pain, there’s still pain there, but it can be less. So it shows you there’s two components to pain. There’s the physical and then there’s whatever the mind, however it exaggerates it or experiences it, interprets it, who knows.
Yeah. And I can see how my body relaxes a little bit more too. Before it was like, oh, there’s pain. So I’m like, kind of like in this kind of like rigid position, like just trying to tolerate it. But now without the thought, it’s like, oh, I can relax my muscles a little bit better. So, that’s really interesting.
Very interesting. Okay, so how would you turn the thought around if I stopped doing these braces. I’ll regret it later on.
Well, if I stop, I won’t regret it. I won’t regret it. So how’s that possible?
It makes sense because it’s not like a life or death kind of decision. It’s just like, kind of like a static kind of thing where you just have or don’t or whatever. So
kind of like minimizes the importance of it a little bit.
Yeah. How would your life be okay if you didn’t finish doing the braces? How could it be? Okay, if you don’t because I could also be open to different solutions And I might find another solution that’ll be better for me too Yeah.
Yeah, you just don’t know there may be solutions out there. That would be As good or better. And that possibility helps to balance out this original statement that I’m going to regret it. If I don’t keep doing this,
Like there’s only one way to do this and I better stick to it. It’s more like. Okay, let’s think about it rationally, see what the options are, and maybe there are other things that could be even better, or maybe this is the best way, but it’s not locked in.
And puts my mind like into like research mode kind of thing, like see, Oh, what else is possible out there? Exactly. That’s interesting. Yeah.
let’s look at the other statement, completely different statement, which was the balance we saw when you’re making, trying to make a decision. The other statement was if I keep doing it, there will be more pain. So, is that true?
Interestingly enough, no. So, how do you react when you believe that side of the story that, you know, you wake up this morning, you feel that pain, and you’re reminded of the old pain, and you think, there will be only more pain if I keep doing this.
Then how do you react?
It’s like my mind goes crazy trying to escape the pain. So, I can see how I tell myself in there, like, just stop and don’t do it. Don’t go through it because you don’t have to.
But then at the same time, there’s that battle of like, Oh, I should and you shouldn’t and things like that. and I kind of like in this, Start painting this horrible scenario where there’s more pain after like the hours like by an hour just increases by 1 percent or something Totally. Yeah, you take the pain you have now and expand it and imagine it’s going to be even more and then it’s going to be crazy.
Yeah. And there’s like the constant reminder of the previous pain that I had where. It’s just like, Oh, remember how bad it was that it was like, pretty much I just couldn’t resist it anymore. And then it’s like that constant reminder, Oh, it’s going to turn like that if you don’t stop now.
So it’s like, I feel like afraid of looking at that window and saying, Oh, there’s more pain on the other side. And just like, I have to go through. So.
And see how that affects your decision there because now you have this strong idea. There’s going to be more pain And the other side you were thinking i’m going to regret it if I Keep if I don’t stop it. I’m, sorry if I if I do stop it i’m going to regret it So it’s like becomes impossible to make a decision with so much pressure.
Yeah. And then I feel a lot of that fear of making the wrong decision too. It’s like it gets right in the middle as well. Yep, exactly.
So who would you be without the thought that if you keep going with the braces, there will be more pain?
It’s interesting because like without the thought, I just know that that is not true because I experienced that today already. Right in this moment, I, it’s lower than what it was when I woke up. So without taking any pills or nothing. So, It’s like I can clearly see that that’s not true. So what does it feel like to, to see it that way, like to really settle into the, to that feeling of like, without the thought that there will be more pain if I keep going, like, what does it feel like being in that space where you’re not thinking about it being more pain?
I feel like hopeful that this is going to work and I can go through it.
Then I can even see myself in like going a little bit to the future and just being done with it and thanking myself for like going through a little bit of pain here and there.
I feel relief too. it’s like freer in a way because I’m not holding the fear of what’s going to happen. Is it going to work or not? So it’s like letting it go. It makes me feel freer.
So how would you turn this thought around? There will not be more pain if I keep doing it. How could that be possible? Give me some ideas. And that’s clear, because it was like, today, when I woke up, it was really painful, but as soon as I got up, like 20 minutes go by or something, and it was less painful.
But I didn’t notice it then. It was like, Oh, there’s more pain. You’re believing your story of it. There’s more. It’s only going to be more. Right. Then you missed the reality is actually it’s less. Right. And just now by doing the previous statement is like, I could really feel it. Even more. It’s actually not more pain.
It’s less pain. So that’s clearly right there. And another one is that I don’t know. Maybe it reaches a point where there’s like some kind of relief, like in the bones or something, and then everything goes smoother after that.
I don’t know. Yeah, very possible.
There will not be more pain.
Any other example for you?
Well, I could take a painkiller too, if the pain gets too bad and that’s a clear way that there won’t be any more pain, at least for the eight hours or whatever time. So yeah, good point. Yeah, that’s another clear solution.
Yeah. And when then go ahead. Oh, and I was going to say that I’ve gone through it before, like this adjustments and stuff, and I know it’s like really painful, like the first few days, but then. It’s just like the body gets adjusted to that and it’s go it starts going down after that. So Okay, and how many days has it been since you got these put on or this one just one it was yesterday So, huh.
Okay, so there’s a good chance. There will be less pain as the days go by Go forward. Right.
You caught it on the worst day. Right. Then you imagine instead of going down, it’s going to go higher. And then you imagine that’s going to be too much. Right. And that goes back to that fear of like that first time that, that thing was put on that there was a lot of pain and I had to take it out. It goes back to that because I tried to deal with it like for a week, but then the pain was getting worse and worse, to the point where I It just went right back after the medicine went out.
So it was more driven by that fear of kind of like feeling similar sensations to that, to those days than what it actually is, the reality of it today. Okay. So now we’ve looked at both. We’ve questioned two statements, one on either side of the decision making process. And one is, if I stop doing braces, I’ll regret it later on. And the other is, If I keep doing the braces, there will be more pain, and we found turnarounds like if I stop doing the braces, I won’t regret it later on, and if I keep doing them, there won’t be more pain.
So notice we haven’t made any decision here, but what are you seeing when you look at the overall picture having done these two pieces of work? Well, I see a lot clearer way to go. And it’s like the fear of not having that pain, it’s, out of the equation now, So it makes me think that’s the only thing that it’s holding me from just keep doing it, that fear of that pain.
But if I can see that the pain is lower and I can, that’s actually the reality of it. So that’s, and I can see that very clearly. And if it does become, in reality, more pain and it’s too much, then that option of stopping doing it is still also available. So you see the options like you have, instead of before you had zero options on either side, now you have, One option on either side you have like you can you maybe the pain isn’t going to be so bad anyway, but if it does get so bad doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it too.
It’s a freedom. Yeah, and it actually gave me more options now that I think about it because there’s like this rubber bands that I put on to like drag a little bit harder. So I can also reduce that and just take him out without taking the whole thing out completely. Right. It’s not all or nothing. Right.
So that’s another option right there too. I love it. So that’s what happens when the mind starts to gets out of this story where it gets hooked on this story of I’m going to regret it if I, if I stop it and I’m going to hate it if I keep doing it because of the pain. So I’m in this straight jacket, completely hot.
And when we question these thoughts, Even though we didn’t try to make a decision, there became more freedom involved. And now you can see the whole thing more rationally, you have more options, and you can, proceed in any way that makes sense as you go along.
That feels really good. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. You’re welcome. In this episode, we looked at how to do inner work when you’re stressed about a decision. the first thing to know is that Inner work is not about making a decision. You can’t make a decision by doing inner work. Making a decision is something that you use your common sense for.
You just have to kind of land, take a leap of faith, make a decision. But what inner work can do is prepare the ground for that. And so what we did in this, episode was We questioned two separate sides of it. We looked at what was holding up one side of the decision, and what was holding up the other side of the decision, and we questioned each of those.
So, if I stop doing braces, I’ll regret it later on. We questioned that. And if I keep doing the braces, there will be more pain. By questioning both sides, it loosens things up, gives more space, and then decision making becomes easier in that new environment. We then also look at two components of pain.
to consider when making a decision. And we saw that there’s the physical aspect of pain, and then there’s the mental aspect of pain, which is how the mind exaggerates the experience of pain. And he was finding that that was actually a major factor at play. And that also helps to see so that when you make a decision, you’re making it based on, what is the actual physical pain, because if I can reduce the mental aspect of it, it may be more tolerable.
And finally, we looked at how to see more options when you feel caught between a rock and a hard place, and that’s what this process of doing the work of Byron Katie does. It gives us a chance to question our assumptions, question our beliefs, so that we start to see, other sides, other options, you know, like, braces may not be the only way, or, like, I could stay with the braces or not, and they’re, like, all possible.
And this loosening and opening is a freeing kind of experience. So thanks for joining me. It’s always a pleasure to be here with you, and I look forward to next time. In the meantime, have a wonderful rest of your day.
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