Parenting Anxiety and HSP Overwhelm: Identifying Stressful Thoughts for Inner Work

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to look for stressful thoughts to question about the future, which is unknown.

Todd: Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

Todd: In this episode,

Todd: you’ll discover how to meet the challenge of working with stressful thoughts about the future, four practical ways to identify stressful thoughts about the future, and why it’s perfectly normal and actually really great to re question a thought you have questioned before. Today is another [00:01:00] edition of Open Session Wednesdays.

Todd: Do you bring your questions in stressful situations? And I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did.

Client: I do have a question, Todd.

Todd: Yeah, sure.

Client: Um, I noticed that I often have fears about the future.

Client: Like, um, I have different ones about one of my children. And the fears are like, he’ll never be able to function or he won’t grow out of something or he, this, this challenge that he’s in now, like he’ll experience this forever for a long time. Um, [00:02:00] and I do the work on those sometimes, but it’s a little, um, sometimes it just feels a little loose.

Client: Cause it’s like, well, I can’t, I know that I can’t know. And in the turnarounds,

Client: How can I know that he will grow out of this by this time? Or, you know, like it’s, it’s still in the realm of unknown. So I’m just, I’m a little curious how to approach those. And I have a moment from last night where I was sharing, um, really painful kind of experience. My son’s having sort of ongoing, but recently, um, and she said, yeah, he may, she’s a therapist.

Client: So she was sort of speaking professionally, but he may need this kind of support for a long time. Um, And it just like tripped into this fear I have with all these images of the future. Um, [00:03:00] and I guess I just, I’m curious how, what your advice is for how to approach these kinds of fears. Should I just stay in like this moment?

Client: Is he okay? Or what, you know, whatever my stressful thoughts around what he’s suffering now or what we’re suffering, or is there a way to address those future fears?

Todd: Yeah, that’s a good question. Um, you know, the future is. harder to work because it’s hasn’t happened yet and it’s much less concrete, uh, as a result. So it, it can be challenging. Um, and like you said, like, yeah, I can turn it around, but then, but I don’t know that for sure either. And so really what you’re looking at is possibilities.

Todd: Um, so you can still do the work with that by balancing your stressful possibilities with your with your [00:04:00] turnaround to those like your stressful possibilities with your non stressful possibilities And they can kind of balance each other out about a bit But it’s still an unknown like that anything can happen and I just don’t know um one thing like when you’re looking at that specific situation where your friend who’s a therapist said that he may need support for a long time um, like that could be an in in terms of Uh, like You could question that literally he may need support for a long time but you could also question like that and that’s a bad thing like that’s a

Todd: that’s

Todd: there’s something bad about him needing support for a long time or him not being able to function in a certain way over a long period of time.

Todd: There’s a, there’s a spin on it. This is a bad thing. Um, that’s what the mind, that’s why it’s a fear. Uh, and so [00:05:00] questioning, like, Something like that could be a way in there, uh, in terms of doing the work.

Client: Yeah. Yeah. I feel that, you know, sometimes when I do the work on the future and it just opens up those possibilities, like you said, there, it, it also takes the charge out of like, yeah, maybe.

Client: He will need support for a long time. Maybe he won’t be fully independent or whatever. Um, and that can feel less fearful. But, um, yeah, I certainly do have my, I guess, fears and judgments about it. Even, even now, even the support that he needs now.

Todd: Yeah, I think that’s the richest area. Like, because there’s two ways to get out of [00:06:00] the One is to be, like, sure that he’s not going to Need what you think Is a bad thing right him not or him having problems functioning like it is possible in the future that that Won’t he’ll grow out of it and there won’t be an issue and and it will be fine So that would give some sense of freedom of freedom if you could really find that or if there was real possibility of that but If that’s not the case, like maybe I can’t find that then seeing, uh, it as not as bad a thing can also be, uh, a way to find that freedom.

Todd: And I think what’s, what it’s resting on are those judgments that like are there in the present right now. So it could be something about making a list of what you think. Is not good about the situation, about your son’s [00:07:00] condition, about, um, what, what you don’t like about it, what, uh, how, how it affects you personally, what, what annoys you, what bogs you down, what angers you, what it means about you, like, there could be a whole long, um, exploration there of stressful thoughts about his condition because the reality is he has this situation, I don’t know the details of it, but he has something here and the mind is saying That’s not right.

Todd: That’s not right. This is bad. This is bad. Like there’s an argument with reality And so any of those thoughts that are arguing with reality around that Situation whether it’s in the present or whether it’s in the future almost doesn’t matter Uh, if you think in the future, it’ll be fear. If you think in the present, [00:08:00] it’ll be sadness, anger, uh, something, some other kind of emotion like that.

Todd: So, so that, that would be maybe a good place to start is to kind of make a list of, of your thoughts and judgments about. Where your son is at the, at the present or where he could be, um, continuing to be in the future.

Client: Yeah. Yeah, for sure. That’s a way in I’ve got, um, A lot of those thoughts. Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: I mean, if you want, we could brainstorm a little bit with it right now, if, if it would be helpful.

Client: Yeah, that would be great. If, um, nobody else has anything. Sometimes when I sit down to even write out thoughts, I just get kind of overwhelmed with how many there are.

Todd: Yes. Yeah, that can [00:09:00] happen for sure. But the only purpose in doing it is to. Be aware of what they are and see them that their thoughts also and then to have them as opportunities for questioning that can start to loosen the, uh, stress that is,

Todd: uh,

Todd: there related to this situation.

Client: So

Todd: like, let’s see, I mean, you mentioned that time just recently talking to your friend. I don’t know if that’s a starting point, but yeah,

Client: for sure. There’s a moment from yesterday that is That’s a good starting point. I mean, um,

Client: yeah, actually a long conversation [00:10:00] with, um, with my son in the afternoon, um,

Client: in which he described sort of his inner experience of himself. And this year he’s on a medication that keeps his behavior is, um, his like nervous system reactivity is, is way more stable. Um. And yet he, um,

Client: is like really unable to engage with his peers, with his classmates. And he, um, even through some rocky years of like, kind of really up and down behavior, he had friends and this year he’s really steady and he doesn’t really engage with anyone. And yesterday he was describing, um,[00:11:00]

Client: I know that the other kids in the class, like, haven’t done anything with him or haven’t accepted our invitations to come here. He said, you know, I go, I don’t really talk with anybody but my family. Like, I just don’t even,

Client: I don’t like to hear, I don’t like to hear myself speak. I don’t, I don’t like, How I sound

Client: in front of other people. And

Client: so my thoughts are, gosh, like, I

Client: mean, really just that he’s,

Client: he’s suffering. He’s, he’s unable to[00:12:00]

Client: engage with other kids. He’s lost his friends.

Client: He’s lonely. He’s

Client: not able to grow out of this. I mean, that’s a future thought, but like

Client: we have to choose between like this effect with medication or a

Client: situation without medication, which was also really painful. Mm hmm.

Client: I don’t know. What are you seeing is like a good way in?

Todd: Oh, these are all, these are all good, right? You know, he’s suffering He’s, uh, he’s unable to engage, he’s [00:13:00] lost his friends, he’s lonely. Some of these Look, uh, maybe descriptions of reality as well, but some have tinges of, of that argument with reality at the same time.

Todd: And so any of these could be, uh, starting points or pieces of, of work, uh, that could be explored. You know, he’s not going to do this.

Client: Would it be better to do thoughts like, I want him to

Todd: Those can be good. I don’t want to say better, but it’s, uh, they’re, they’re equally valuable. Yeah. So let’s play with that.

Todd: What do you want?

Client: I want him to be, to feel like himself at school or with friends, or I want him to be able to

Client: talk to other [00:14:00] kids or you want him to feel relaxed.

Client: I want him to

Client: see himself as valuable.

Client: I want him to feel like he belongs.

Client: Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: These are good. So the first ones you talked about, um, some of those have interpretations on them, like emotional interpretations. Some of them were kind of factual, but some of these are getting into real, the, like, the, the argument with reality, right? I want him to feel like himself. I [00:15:00] want him to be able to talk with other kids.

Todd: I want him to feel relaxed. I want him to see himself as valuable, um, feel like he belongs. Like, these, These are getting closer in to the, the stressful part, right? It’s like the stress is the argument with reality always. So the, I want is, is doing that, you know, similarly, I need is, is another way. It’s just like writing a judge your neighbor worksheet.

Todd: Are there any needs here related to this for you?

Todd: I

Client: mean, sort of all those things I just said could also be needs. But I need him to be okay

Client: on his own.[00:16:00]

Client: Or like,

Client: I mean, in some ways I see that he is, he’s coping. He’s, he’s getting through school. He’s excelling in his classwork, but he’s just socially not

Client: engaged.

Client: I think I need him to be

Client: growing through this.

Client: Like,

Client: I feel like we sort of traded one set of issues for another, but it’s like, Before this medication and with, it’s like we, [00:17:00] I don’t, I can’t tell that we’re

Client: moving through this to a place of stability or wholeness or awareness.

Todd: Yeah, it’s a really good one. I need him to be growing through this, you know, I need him to be moving to a place of wholeness or something like that.

Client: Yeah, that feels really true. Yeah.

Todd: So you can see this

Todd: is, these are,

Todd: these are engaging with this, the situation and they’re going to apply to future. They already have a little bit of a future feeling to them, but they also have present situation as well. It’s like the, [00:18:00] always when we’re identifying stressful thoughts, we’re looking for where am I arguing with reality?

Todd: Where am I wanting things to be different? And I’m not okay unless it’s. a certain way. Um, that’s where stress comes from. Uh,

Todd: yeah.

Todd: And you know, one of my favorite questions in identifying stressful thoughts to go deeper is like, like a little kid. Why? But why mom? Why? You know, like, so why do you need him to be moving to a place of wholeness?

Todd: Um, why do you need him to be okay on his own? Like play with that for a minute, just to see if there’s anything else in there.

Client: Um, gosh, the why is that he, I, I,[00:19:00]

Client: I feel like I can’t,

Client: I can’t be okay when he’s hurting.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Now we’re getting really in close.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Yeah.

Todd: That’s what makes this like over the top stressful. This is, we’re getting to the core. of why this is so important for, from, from your perspective, that he get better, change, that there’s a solution, something like that. I can’t be okay when he’s hurting.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So that would be the, that would be where I [00:20:00] would start

Todd: right there.

Todd: And then all of these others can also be questioned as well. But that’s like,

Todd: Right in the center.

Client: I feel like I’ve done that thought or something really similar to it before. Like I. I know that when I sit in inquiry, I, like, through question four and into the turnarounds, like, I emerge at this place where I can feel my own sense of,

Client: of myself as, like, steady, stable, upright,

Client: but then I lose it again. Like,

Client: Yeah,

Todd: that’s normal. That’s okay. We touch in on it and then we [00:21:00] lose it. We touch it again. We lose it. It’s, we’re in the process of finding something. And when you’re first discovering something, you’re only seeing bits of it. Um, and then, and then gradually through having that experience and then losing it, it becomes stronger and you start finding it quicker, start being able to find it in different situations.

Todd: And then some of it starts to stay with you. And it’s a, it’s a process. Every finding of it is great and every losing of it is also great because sometimes, you know, like

Todd: read the rediscovering. is as important as the first discovering. The first discovering tells you’re in the [00:22:00] right direction. Then the rediscovering is like, oh yeah, it’s still right there, right? And then, and then over time you start getting confidence that that’s where peace is found. Oh yes, this perspective really sits well with me.

Todd: And then you start deciding to make a home there and, and Living there, instead of only visiting from time to time.

Client: Yeah, I judge myself for forgetting.

Todd: Yeah, it’s easy to do. I remember when I was studying, um, gosh, I was studying Sanskrit a long time ago, and I remember the teacher saying, forgetting is as important as remembering.

Todd: You have to forget, to learn a new word, you have to forget it about, I don’t know how many times he said, like, I six or ten times or something like that. They have to, you have to relearn it [00:23:00] that many times. And he says, if you try to remember it, then you’ll, what you’ll remember, what you’ll memorize is the stress of not memorizing, not remembering it.

Todd: And so every time you think of that, Try to remember that word. You’ll remember that you don’t remember it and it will become like this stressful experience that obviously becomes more and more stressful all the time. So his suggestion, which I tried and it really worked was just, um, memorize it and then forget about it.

Todd: And then later the next day or whenever come back and memorize it as if it’s the first time again, and then. Forget about it and then do it again and again. And like one day you’re walking down the street and it’s like, bing, there’s that word, you know, it’s just keeps popping in your head without any doing, it’s like an effortless way of, of learning.

Todd: And so I’ve always borrowed that idea in, in doing the work for myself as well, that [00:24:00] I, uh, I discover something. And then forget about it, literally, okay, don’t worry about that anymore. Go about living my life and obviously get triggered again. And, and then either remember that it just maybe pops in, or maybe I have to do the work on it again and rediscover it again, and we have to rediscover it.

Todd: A dozen times, who knows, maybe more, uh, but each time I do another piece, another thread is built there that, um, begins to show me an easy way there. Like it builds a pathway. It’s almost like a neuropathway, right? It’s built. Yeah.

Client: Is it okay to do the work on the same thought?

Todd: Absolutely. Absolutely. Same exact words, same exact everything.

Todd: You can do the [00:25:00] same work again. And my experience is it’s slightly different every time I do it. In fact, sometimes it’s very different every time I do it. So just come to it fresh each time. And the only thing I always say is the only thing I need to know is I still feel stress. So that tells me. That one’s primed for doing the work.

Todd: I don’t have to, um, worry that I already did that one before. In fact, that’s like the mind’s favorite way out of doing the work. It’s like, Oh, I already did that one before. So yeah,

Client: that’s how I feel about this one. I can’t be okay if he’s hurting. I feel like, Oh man, I’ve done that one. Like,

Todd: yeah.

Client: I should know

Todd: that.

Client: And yet here I am in this experience.

Todd: So what’s different about each time is that often the situation is slightly different. So this time you’re thinking about the [00:26:00] situation talking with your friend who’s a therapist and or you’re looking at the specifics of him not engaging at school or some specific right that just having gone through this little brain dump that we’ve done like has put you in a certain place.

Todd: And then if you explore, I can’t be okay when he’s hurting in this moment, it may be different than what you’ve explored in other moments. And your examples may be different. Your responses may be different. Um, And it’s okay if there’s overlap too, right? Like the, the joking short version of the work is like, you know, question three, how do you react?

Todd: You know, uh, like I’m angry. Who would you be without the thought? I’d be peaceful. Like it’s sort of some people joke, like it’s just the same all the time, but. If you sit in it with awareness, with the [00:27:00] intention of listening to what’s inside, there’s surprises inside. The surprises come out from inside, and that makes a lot of variation and insight.

Todd: And the main thing is the connection between what’s inside and what’s outside. That’s what we’re really doing. So the words almost don’t matter. It’s me asking myself what, you know, what is my experience and then listening to that first and identifying stressful thoughts and then in questioning and finding my, my turnarounds and my, uh, experiences with and without the thought and all of that.

Todd: So it’s a meditation, right? I sit and meditate. Every day I use the same mantra I’ve been using since I was a kid, but it’s the same. They’re boring, right? But it’s never the same. It’s always different. And it’s, it’s [00:28:00] always, it drops me into something quieter, something more enjoyable. And that’s what meditation does.

Todd: So the road may look the same, but it goes into a beautiful place or at least gets closer in that direction. And for me, then it doesn’t matter if it’s. You know, repetitive, repetitive.

Client: That’s helpful. I realized that I had, yeah, just a lot of judgments of myself. Like I’ve done that one. I should know that. Um, and, and I guess just.

Client: There’s also just a fear of sitting in that again.

Todd: Yeah, that could be a big piece of it. I don’t want to go down into there again because that’s getting really close to the sacred cow and I don’t want to, um, yeah, it’s scary. [00:29:00] It takes courage to do this kind of work.

Todd: So if you notice resistance, Just do the question your resistance thoughts first before going there and that can often open it up so that it’s less Scary to go in.

Client: Yeah. Yeah, this will hurt too much or I’ll never stop crying which is already happening. So

Todd: Yes Exactly. So this will hurt too much. I’ll never stop crying like question those And then go into, okay, let me question, I can’t be okay when he’s hurting, and see if you find something there.

Todd: It’s like one step at a time. We just have to be really gentle with ourselves, not push ourselves too fast, too far. And [00:30:00] You know, one other thing about the repetitiveness is that when we’re dealing with intellectual knowledge, repetitive, there’s no point in repetitive, right? It’s like, oh, once I know something, I know something, or I know where, look it up again if I forgot it.

Todd: But we’re doing something deeper. It’s more on the heart level. It’s more on the emotional level. It’s more on the subconscious level. It’s something deeper inside of myself. And so it’s more like like training. I’m training something or I’m getting in touch with some inner wisdom and that requires repetition.

Todd: I can’t, um, so the intellect would love to just say, Oh, yeah, I already got that. And it does. But the intellect is just like the road map. It’s one thing to have the. map of where I’m going to go. This is about actually going there. So I’m gonna have to stay on the same road for a long time, I have to go through some ups and downs, but that’s the only way to actually experience the change, rather than, than [00:31:00] just understand where I could experience change, which is all the intellect can do.

Client: Yeah, that’s really helpful, like a shift in seeing it from an understanding to just a, just a A training, you know, like akin to a physical training. Like I take ice baths every morning, pre dawn. And the fact that I’ve done it and stayed in for a long time, like I still get to do it the next day and there’s still, you know, plenty of resistance.

Client: And it’s, yeah, it’s just continuing to use a muscle rather than like figure something out or get through it or have mastered it.

Todd: That’s right. That’s right. We’re building muscles. We’re building muscles. We’re building pathways. We’re finding a consistent way of coming back home to ourselves. And there’ll be all kinds of obstacles that get in our way.

Todd: Fears, uh, resistance, um, [00:32:00] you know, like pain, like there’ll be all kinds of things that will say, don’t go there. But, um, we’re building a muscle. We’re building a, a road back to ourselves. That if we continue doing, it can become a stronger, bigger, more efficient road, and it can take us back home quicker and more easily over time.

Todd: But it’s a constant process. It’s a constant building process. It’s not just a one, once and done kind of thing.

Client: Yeah. Yeah, that makes it, I’m just, I’m getting this whole Sort of different picture of what this kind of work is like that I have to keep coming back to and it feels really Helpful to see it in a different way.

Client: Thank you for all that all the Examples and metaphors like really it makes a difference for me. [00:33:00]

Todd: You’re welcome. You’re welcome Yep, you know, it’s, uh, sometimes life brings up the bigger, tougher issues, um, sometimes it brings the light issues, but when the bigger issues come up, it’s the same process, and yes it takes courage, but it’s, it’s What’s cool is that you can work through anything.

Todd: That’s, that’s my experience.

Client: Yeah, that has been mine. It’s a good reminder.

Todd: Cool. Well, thank you for bringing this up and sharing so openly and vulnerably.

Client: Well, I couldn’t help it.[00:34:00]

Todd: Well, it’s still

Todd: appreciated.

Todd: In this episode,

Todd: we looked at how to meet the challenge of working with stressful thoughts. about the future. And at first, stressful thoughts about the future seemed difficult because they’re so nebulous, they’re so, uh, unclear, you don’t know really what’s happening, or even if you turn things around, even that’s still just a possibility.

Todd: And we saw that even just balancing one possibility against the other can bring a sense of balance, uh, as well. But we also saw that some of the things we’re worried about in the future are really things that we’re arguing with or not wanting in the present as well. And so, identifying stressful thoughts about the future in the end is really not that different from identifying stressful thoughts about the past or the present.

Todd: We really just listen to the stress feeling, start to brainstorm, and start to [00:35:00] identify, uh, what it is that we’re feeling. We also looked at four practical ways to identify stressful thoughts about the future. And we started with literally just brainstorming, literally no framework whatsoever. And then we moved on to wants, like, what are you wanting about the future?

Todd: What are you wanting about the present? And we also saw similarly, needs, like I need him to be okay on his own, need him to be moving to a place of wholeness, that kind of thing. And then, um, finally, I asked that question why, which can often be super helpful when identifying stressful thoughts, like why do I need him to be moving to a place of wholeness?

Todd: And it turned out that there was more, there were more underlying beliefs there that were connected. Like, I can’t be okay when he’s hurting, that kind of thing. So those are [00:36:00] four kind of simple, practical ways that you can start to identify thoughts about the future. There are other ways as well, but this is, uh, these are really, uh, useful ones.

Todd: Finally, we looked at why it’s perfectly normal and actually really great to re question a thought that you’ve questioned before. And as we saw, it’s, uh, it’s really like a training or a practice rather than an intellectual, Oh, I got that. You know, if something’s intellectual, all I have to do is get it once, And I may have to re look it up, but it’s, it’s, it’s sort of there, conceptually.

Todd: But to get something on a, on a visceral level, I have to train at that, and that requires repetition. And so questioning the very same stressful thought may seem like it’s pointless, but it’s actually your door to getting deeper and deeper, uh, kind of in your muscles, this, uh, idea that’s starting to germinate.

Todd: So thanks for listening. Always a [00:37:00] pleasure to sit with these questions, to think deeply about the work, and thank you so much for being here. I hope you have a great rest of your day.