Self-Judgment vs. Self-Compassion: Navigating Doubts in

By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to navigate self-judgments, which can be a little tricky to question.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover why it’s generally not recommended to start by questioning self-judgments if you’re new to the work, and how this is not an absolute, the difference between self-judgment and self-compassion, as well as the difference between trying to justify yourself versus taking responsibility.

Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays. You bring your questions and stressful situations to me. And I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so that you can experience the open session just as we did.

A question that I’ve had, that’s come up… I just really have started doing the work, I’d say it’s been over the last month or so, and so I’m really new at it. But one of the things that I’ve noticed is that when I do a worksheet on something that is an issue about myself, it actually seems to be more helpful than when I’m doing it about, you know, a judgment about someone else.

And I, you know, I’ve been reading a lot of Katie’s books and, you know, I’ve heard over and over again that the advice is it’s really better to start with focusing on someone else and judgment that you might have towards them. But it feels more powerful somehow to be doing it about something that I’m worried about or focusing on that I’m stressed about. I just was curious about that. What your advice would be.

Yeah, I would say trust your experience. You are in the driver’s seat with this process always. And if you’re noticing that it’s powerful for you, then trust that. That’s all this is about. It’s about listening to yourself, getting in touch with yourself, and finding balance, finding peace for yourself.

And, you know, the guideline there… it’s a good guideline to focus on other people and see yourself. There’s some advantages that come with that. For example, it’s like looking in the mirror to see your face. Sometimes when you have a mirror there, you can see things that you wouldn’t see otherwise. But sometimes you don’t need a mirror. You’re already focused there. So why would I ignore that?

Just trust your stress. Your stress is going to point you exactly where you need to work. And keep in mind that there may be value in experimenting with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and judging others, and using that from time to time. But I see it as a tool.

It’s a tool for helping me to identify stressful thoughts when I’m already judging somebody else. But there are times when I’m not. I’m judging myself. And so then I wouldn’t use that tool. I would use the tool of just judging myself. Writing the stressful thought that I have about myself and questioning it.

And you know, Katie sometimes says that when you’re starting with the work, focus more on judging others and then turning it around to yourself. The reason for that is that sometimes when you’re new, it doesn’t always happen this way, but sometimes when you’re new, you don’t quite clear what the intention of this work is or how to use it, and sometimes people can kind of use the work, maybe even unintentionally, to almost justify themselves or like where they would be doing the opposite of taking self-responsibility. And that doesn’t lead to peace. You wouldn’t feel it right away, but if you’re not doing that, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Byron Katie says many times to question any stressful thought. And so as you gain more experience and as you already have experience, then you can trust this process. You know the feeling that happens when balance starts to come in, and that’s all we’re looking for. So if the balance is too much on self-judgment, then there might be a need to move it, like question those thoughts so that I can move back into balance and be less hard on myself or whatever the stressful thought is.

So yeah, I’m a big fan of trusting whatever the stress is pointing me in whatever direction the stress is pointing me at. And I’m also a big fan of the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and I use it all the time. There’s something interesting. I think of there being kind of primary and secondary stressful thoughts, like the primary ones are usually what got me upset in the first place.

And the secondary ones are often self-judgments or reactions out of that. So let’s say somebody was mean to me, then my first stressful thought is like, they shouldn’t be mean to me, or they’re putting me down, or they’re not listening to me or something that’s other-focused.

But then I might take that immediately and go into that means I’m a terrible person, or I’m unlovable, or there’s something wrong with me, or anything like that. It’s a secondary thought, but that’s where my stress is right in that moment. So sure, I can work on that and just see if I can find a little balance there, but don’t forget the original source, which is, you know, they think I’m whatever, I think I’m a jerk or something like that. Like that’s, if I questioned that thought, often, not only will I get more clarity and peace around them, but my self-judgment will also loosen and maybe fall away as well.

So, that’s like the broad perspective of where I, how I use the two approaches. But I absolutely give myself 100 percent freedom to question any thought whatsoever. Just whatever form it takes.

Thank you. Yeah, you’re very welcome.

Yeah. Sarah. Thank you so much, Doug. I have a follow-up question from that. Todd, when you said that there’s, you know, Katie had a concern or there could be a concern if you start with self-judgment when you’re not familiar with the work, that you could use it to justify. Rather, and that doesn’t bring peace. And so my question for you, because it’s a fear of mine, like, especially if I feel shame, I’m afraid of questioning it because then I’ll get away with it. So is it possible, in your experience, that you actually could walk away guilt-free when you shouldn’t? You know what I’m saying?

If I hit someone and I was like, “Oh, I feel so bad that I hit them.” And then I questioned, “I shouldn’t have hit them because I feel bad that I hit them.”

And if I came out the other side, like I should have hit them. You know, is it possible to kind of justify yourself where you shouldn’t, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, it is. And that’s exactly why Byron Katie doesn’t have new people start with judging their self-judgments, you know, like, but questioning their self-judgments.

So that’s a perfect example. Like you hit somebody, and then you have the thought, “I shouldn’t have hit them.” And you’re like, “Oh, that’s a stressful thought. I’ll question it.” And if you’re new, this is really important because if you’re new, you might think, “Oh, the turnaround is telling me I should have hit them.” So therefore, I’m justified, and I really, I’ll just go on hitting people from now on. That would be a misuse of the work. The work always points back to self-responsibility. Back to taking responsibility for my own internal experience, my own happiness.

And when you’ve been doing the work for a while, or if you get it quickly, you’ll realize you’ll know how to navigate that. What the work is really trying to do is create balance in my thinking. And so if I hit somebody and then I felt extreme guilt and extreme shame and was really putting myself down into the gutter over it, I couldn’t even, you know, couldn’t move because of that heaviness, that extra… so I’m beating myself up.

Basically, it would be asking, I’d be asking myself, how’s it understandable that I would have hit them? And I would start finding compassion for myself. Like, “Oh, I was just caught up in that story. Oh, I didn’t see another way. I was just blind with my rage or something.” You know, like it doesn’t justify it, but it finds compassion for it. This is a very fine line. And it’s something that can catch you up, especially if you’re new to the process, because you can think, “Oh yeah, I can just go around doing what I want and I’ll just do the work on it.” But that’s not the spirit of it.

So if you can take responsibility and not beat yourself up, that’s the balance. And if you do the work and just find that point where, “Okay, I get it. I shouldn’t… I should have hit him, like in the sense of it’s understandable that I did,” that loosens that self-attack. But I’m not going to take it too far if I keep going with that turnaround, like, and start going further with it, I’m going to go into imbalance in the other direction and I’m going to end up justifying, which is not the point.

So this is that little subtlety. It shows up a lot in the work because life is structured that way, where you have to balance two opposites. And if you can understand that and work with that, you can question absolutely anything. You can work with things that would sound like the turnarounds would sound crazy, like absolutely crazy. But you know that you’re not going to abuse that. You’re not going to take the turnaround out of context and blow it up into something crazy. You’re going to use that turnaround just like a drop of that medicine to balance things out so that you don’t have the stress of it. That’s all.

And then finally, with the work, it’s so important to understand that it’s about our internal experience only. It’s not about, you know, it’s not like about what I should do, or even, or especially not some kind of thing about public policy or what people should do or running a society or anything like that. It’s about our internal experience. And so a turnaround is just there to provide that little bit of balancing so that I can unhook from that stressful reaction that I’m having and find a neutral place again.

And so if you have that principle in hand, the principle of balance, you can do the work on absolutely anything.

There’s a big difference between taking responsibility for yourself and beating yourself up. Beating yourself up is actually violent. Taking responsibility for yourself provides peace, gives experience of peace.

Likewise, on the other side, there’s a big difference between justification and finding compassion. Compassion gives me a sense of peace. Justification puts me in that war place of trying to prove that I’m better than I actually am, trying to deny that I actually did something, or trying to make myself feel right when I actually feel wrong.

So, justification is… if you go too far with compassion, you might end up with justification, or if you hold it wrong, you might dip into justification. Just come back out, come back to the compassion place. Likewise, if you go too far into beating yourself up, then come back into the place of taking responsibility for it without putting yourself out.

These are very delicate balancing acts, but if you can find compassion for yourself at the same time you’re taking responsibility for yourself, you’ve now landed on something amazing. The gutters are beating yourself up on one extreme and justifying on the other extreme.

The center balance point is compassion for yourself and taking self-responsibility. Those two go together and they complement each other and it makes a beautiful, beautiful marriage, if you will.

Thank you.

So any other questions on that or on anything else or we still have a few minutes if you’d like to do the work?

Doug, Susan, Edwin, I have something and I would love it if you have something… looks like you’re on. Thank you. Thank you. So it’s again kind of related to Doug. Thank you for bringing that up that this morning I got disappointed in rejection, and it was with someone brand new. I definitely don’t judge them.

It was such a minor… it was just like an everyday rejection, like, no, I’m busy. It’s very hard to judge her. I could do it, but I don’t. So that’s where I’m looking at this self-judgment or judging her. I could sit down and say, “She should have been available.”

She should say yes, she should want to be with me anytime, but I just met her and it’s such a minor thing. 99.9 percent of me absolutely can’t get into that space. So what… I guess one thing that I feel at the same time when I’m like, I feel like this, I never want to see someone’s rejection. I don’t want to see it.

Like, I just don’t ever reject me. Just don’t respond. So if there’s something in me that’s like, I shouldn’t be upset at minor rejections. I don’t want to feel rejected. It’s sort of like I’m interested in what’s there to work on there when it seems like it’s so clear it’s not her fault.

It’s very clear that there’s nothing to judge her for, yet I’m still upset that she said no.

Yeah. So, this falls right in line with what we’ve just been talking about. And I think it’d be good to play with this a little bit. Like, what would be a way to… you know, what would be the thought to question here, if 99 percent of you is just not judging her? Like, that’s not where the stress really is.

One way is just what you said, like, I never want to see someone rejecting me, just literally taking dictation from your mind, whatever you’re saying. I don’t want to feel rejected. Just what you said there, these kinds of things can be great. And if you wanted to play with it, because sometimes you can reach it.

Even if 99 percent of you is thinking, this is just so clear, cut, dried, she… it’s not her fault. She didn’t do anything wrong. There’s nothing to blame here. It’s all my fault. Even though 99 percent is seeing that, if that 1 percent is there that’s going, I didn’t. I feel like it, you know, she did reject me.

Like, there’s a… it’s almost subconscious. Like there’s something that’s still feeling like it is believing that she did, and just maybe for a split second. So if you can locate that, if you can get in touch with that, then you still could write a worksheet on her. Saying like, what does it mean when she said, “I’m just not available. I’m too busy.” And if you can get really close to that, it might be something like, “She doesn’t like me” or “I’m a low priority for her” or whatever. Do you see what I’m saying? Like, even though I’m hearing you 100 percent that maybe it’s just we need to run with the stressful thought about yourself and about the rejection or, or in general, I just don’t want to feel rejected.

I think that’s fine. But there’s also that always that one little tiny spot where you can touch the part of you that wants… that believes that she dissed you in some way. And if you can, and if it’s genuine, then great. And if not, that’s fine. Go with what… you know, what the stress is telling you.

So having said that, where does the stress point you?

I definitely feel like, okay, I could for sure write a workshop worksheet with that 1 percent if I just was like, okay, let’s just judge her. I could do that, for sure.

And then, the block between that comes up, is, there… like, there’s too many. Like, what am I just gonna live in a worksheet? Like, I don’t have time for this.

Yeah. That was a great one. I love that one. You know, the mind comes up with that one again and again in different ways. And it’s so good. Just like, “I’m not going to even do this one because there’s too many to do.” But the way I find peace with that is that I don’t believe that it’s even possible to do all the work that I could do in my entire life. Each hour might contain a hundred thousand worksheets.

I don’t know. I haven’t counted them, and a whole lifetime… you know, forget about it. So I gave up on that a long time ago. I just don’t even think of, I’m going to get all my work done. It’s just not going to happen. So then I look at it as, let me do whatever I want to do. I do what appeals to me.

And so I just pick and choose. And when I’m ready to do the work, I pick one that is a good one, and we’ll just run with that. And I always learn something and it’s always entertaining and enjoyable. And I kind of just don’t worry about where it gets me or whether I’m going to get them all done or anything. It’s just, love the one you’re with.

Keep it really simple. So anyway, going back to your thoughts here, where would you go if you were thinking about what thought to question in your situation at this point?

I think I would go to, “She thinks I’m a loser.” It’s like, it’s embarrassing. Like, oh, I’m getting rejected. I’m too needy. I… you know, like, I shouldn’t have reached out so soon. You… like, she thinks I’m a loser. That’s why it’s like, “Oh, I don’t want to see the rejection.” You know, I want to take it back. So I think that’s where I get to.

So this is an example of what we were talking about earlier with Doug, of the kind of primary and secondary stressful thoughts. Like the secondary, or even tertiary, the third level was, “I don’t have enough time to do all these worksheets,” right? You might have to start there and work your way back. The second one, “I don’t want to feel rejected” or “I don’t want to ever see someone’s rejection again.” Like, that kind of… it’s secondary or “I’m no good at handling rejection,” that kind of self-judgment. Those are secondary. The primary is what got you that… got that 1 percent of you in the first place, which is in that split second you thought that she thought you were a loser.

And so that’s the source of it. That’s the cause. And identifying that when you work that, it has a great chance of loosening the whole chain, like it loosens everything. But it takes a certain amount of humility to even go there, to even choose that, because the mind would say, “I was over that in a second. I rationally know that it’s really not her. Like, she was reasonable, and it’s not… that’s not the problem.”

So I know that intellectually, I know that, and that can get in the way of the part inside of you that cried for a split second. And then got covered over by rational truth. So I’m interested in the irrational crying part of me that needs my attention. There’s been sequestered to the dungeon underneath here. And when it cries, if I have the time to do the work, I listen and ask it to tell me its story and I sit down with it and see, let’s do the work and see what you can find, you know, the little 1 percent… can you find peace in this and let it go through that question, go through those questions and do its work, but it requires a humility of like, “Even though I get it, I don’t get it. A little part of me doesn’t get it.” And so I have to stop and slow down and go with the slowest part of myself.

Thank you.

In this episode, we looked at why it’s generally not recommended to start by questioning self-judgments if you’re new to the work, and how this is not an absolute. Literally, you’re trusting your stress to lead you in the right direction. And if you understand the idea of how to take responsibility for yourself and the process of questioning your thoughts versus trying to justify or defend yourself, then you’ll be on the right track no matter where you go.

We also looked at the difference between self-judgment and self-compassion. One is hard, it’s violent in a way. It’s putting yourself down or using what you find to hurt yourself further, as opposed to self-compassion, which allows you to see the innocence of yourself and find understanding for yourself, even if you’ve done something that you wouldn’t do again.

And finally, we looked at the difference between trying to justify yourself versus taking responsibility. And always in this process, we’re looking to own what we did, own our part, and in that comes freedom, as opposed to when we justify, it’s a defensive action and it feels stressful.

So thanks for being here with me today, and thank you for listening, and I look forward to more sessions like these as time continues.

In the meantime, have a great rest of your day.