She Thought I Wasn’t Worth Her Time: Coping with Negative Emotions for HSPs

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to cut through your own negative story when you’re stressed.

Todd: Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

Todd: In this episode, you’ll discover how one thought can make a huge difference to your stress level, why questioning the thought can open up a new, more peaceful perspective, and how to explore the truth gently to find true humility and freedom, not humiliate yourself. [00:01:00] Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays.

Todd: You bring your questions and stressful situations. And I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did.

Client: Uh, I was in a, uh, I went out looking for some, uh, tile and, um, for remodeling our hall bathroom.

Client: And I’ve been working on this for like, you know, six months or so I’ve gone out and then we get a different contractor and they want something else. I mean, we haven’t, we’re finally committed to one contractor. Uh, but I went in and spend time at this tile place. This lady who, uh, worked there, uh, spent, you know, she was very helpful, but things have changed since then.

Client: So I went in there this morning and, um, this other gal came up and, uh, was helpful and we just got it done like this. And I saw the girl there, the gal that helped me out before. [00:02:00] And I said, Oh, hi. And she looked at me and just kind of, uh, and I explained her that, you know, we have a couple of contractors and, uh, We have a new one, we didn’t go with the others and she just kind of snubbed me almost, you know, like, uh, it wasn’t worth her time.

Client: So my statement is, um, she thought I was indecisive and not worth her time, any more of her time or whatever.

Todd: Yeah. I love it. Yeah.

Todd: All right. I’m just writing that down.

Todd: Okay. So let’s, let’s question it. You were indecisive and not worth her time when she kind of snubbed you in that situation. Is that true?

Client: Yeah.[00:03:00]

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true? If you thought you were indecisive and not worth her time?

Client: No.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you believe that or some part of you believes that, that she thought you were indecisive and not worth your time in that moment?

Client: And

Client: I felt, um,

Client: well, I felt like a, uh, kind of a loser and, um, you know, I could feel it during that moment and she stubbed me and I thought, oh, this is interesting, you know, because usually he’s very friendly, you know, she’s the head staff and, and, uh, she was just, you know, And then said, hi. And so I, I just felt like, Oh, and I explained about the contractors and I think she [00:04:00] just, I thought that she felt, Oh, this is woman is just so indecisive.

Client: And, uh, you know, she doesn’t have her act together. And, uh, I don’t know. I just thought of all these negative things that she was judging me on and I could see it happening. And I, you know, just kind of tried, uh, I don’t know. I could see it happening. And I said, you know, it’s not true. Um, but it’s still kind of a nagging on me today.

Todd: I just want to kind of, some part of you was still believing it, right? Yes. Yes.

Client: Like, you know, she wasn’t friendly with me, so I must’ve, So she must’ve been judging me. So it made me feel, uh, kind of not smart, you know, another word would be stupid, a little, uh, um, not having my act together. And, uh, yeah, I didn’t feel good, you know, and I thought she looked [00:05:00] uptight.

Client: I started judging her, uh, she started

Todd: judging her back. Yeah, she looked, yeah,

Client: yeah. She must be uptight or whatever, whatever her deal is. I didn’t, you know,

Todd: so that’s reaction. Yep. And then, um, yeah, any other reactions from that, like how that affected your day that moving forward in any way?

Client: Um, it’s all been on my mind in the background, you know, I can kind of rationalize saying, you know, Uh, something’s going on there. And, uh, I guess it makes me a little irritated.

Client: I’ve been a little irritated today. And, um, yeah. And I’m a little tired from traveling, and so I just feel like, I just feel a little, like a wounded animal, and I don’t need, uh, You know, I don’t need, [00:06:00] yeah, I was just surprised, you know, and also I felt kind of let down because I thought we had a good rapport and then she just kind of came back like, uh, she didn’t want to be bothered by me.

Client: So,

Client: and, uh,

Todd: so I’ll,

Client: I’ll go ahead.

Todd: Go ahead.

Client: I was just going to say, past images, um,

Client: I guess I could think of, you know, like a school teacher, and I could ask them some questions, and uh, you only could ask so many questions, and if you asked too many, then you were discarded, or thought, you know, you gotta figure it out yourself, and you’re, you know, too much bother.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah, interesting how that past image connects there and kind of [00:07:00] fuels or brings up that same kind of feeling from a long time ago, right?

Todd: Like, I don’t want to take up too much space or I’m asking for too much.

Todd: Okay. So all of these are reactions, different kinds of reactions. But they happen. The nature of reaction is that it happens spontaneously without, without you even thinking, even against your own will, it will, it will happen. That’s what happens when you’re believing this.

Client: Right.

Todd: Even if just a tiny fraction of you is believing it.

Todd: I know. I

Client: knew what was happening and I just go, Oh, and I could just kind of feel the pull in, you know, I shake it off.

Todd: Exactly.

Client: Doesn’t work.

Todd: Exactly. Like, oh

Client: no, you

Todd: know, you’re, you’re pulled in and sucked in. I kind of knew

Client: what was happening, but I couldn’t control it. [00:08:00]

Todd: That’s what a reaction is. It’s like when you hit that funny bone, you know, or a place on your knee or whatever.

Todd: It’s like you hit it just right. And it’s like, It doesn’t matter if you’re concentrating to not have your knee pop up. It’s gonna pop up. You can’t help it. That’s reaction. It happens automatically. And and so the cool thing about seeing that is there’s an innocence in it, right? It’s not I can’t control things which I can’t control, but it also shows that that what’s causing the reaction Is this thought that’s where we’re starting to explore here.

Todd: It’s like when you think, or even a part of you thinks that, you know, she thought you were indecisive, not worth her time, then all this stuff comes pouring out, um, without much, Control.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So, yeah. So imagine that you, she does the same thing, kind of, you know, that same kind of dismissal or snubbing, [00:09:00] uh, and you’re in the same situation.

Todd: But let’s imagine you didn’t have the thought that she thought you were indecisive and not work her time. Who would you be when she does that?

Client: Well, I’d definitely be my own business. I’d be focused on this stuff. This person that’s helping me, and I wouldn’t be kind of sidelined a little bit about this other thing that’s going on, you know, I’d be more focused on what I was doing there, instead of being distracted by her. And, um, you know, I just kind of look and see that she’s busy typing away on the computer, and maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with me.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Yeah, I don’t know what she’s up [00:10:00] to, and, uh, You know, I would just appreciate the time that she gave me in the past. And, um,

Client: and, um,

Client: And I’d be gentle with myself when I, um, could feel myself being drawn in. Just like you said, the, um, hitting your funny bone or whatever. Um, I could see it happening, and I’d be, um, Mmm, I

Client: could probably even smile at that. Instead of resisting it, and just, um, see it for what it is. That it’s, uh, my thoughts.

Todd: Yeah, and, and keep going back to like, who you’d be if you didn’t even have that thought at [00:11:00] all. Like, you see her not giving you the time of day, but you don’t have any conclusion or, or idea in your mind that she’s thinking you’re indecisive or that you’re not worth her time or anything like that.

Client: I, I would just say, you know, it’s good to see ya.

Client: Which I did. Um,

Client: yeah, I would, I would think that maybe, you know, she’s probably pretty busy because she’s always friendly and that and maybe something’s on her mind. And I would, so, you know, I wouldn’t get in her business. I would just figure it, like, you know, I’d just look at it, and, uh, basically not judge it. I would just see it for what it is.

Client: She’s on her computer, working away, looking at it. She’s kind of facing, like, away from me. And, um, she’s probably, [00:12:00] yeah. And I’m being well taken care of with this other person, and I’m out the door. Very, you know, it’s very efficient this morning, so. I’m actually glad that she didn’t involve it, so she didn’t kind of start asking these questions.

Client: She trusted her, the person that worked for her.

Client: Yeah,

Todd: it’s really clear. I love when you said, I’m just out the door. You know, it’s like, you can see how the thought, when the thought isn’t there, That, you know, she thinks I’m indecisive, not worth her time when it is there. Like I’m caught in this thing of like, Oh, wait, wait, that’s, I need to somehow change that, or there’s something sticky about that, but if that thought isn’t there.

Todd: that whatever she’s thinking, it’s sort of like, it’s like, okay, got what I needed. Got to go. And it’s this, it’s this freedom to move on when the thought isn’t.

Client: Yeah. [00:13:00]

Todd: So that thought makes all the difference. You add that thought to the equation, suddenly it becomes stressful. If that thought isn’t in the system at all, then the same thing is just more of an observation and then moving on.

Todd: So, How would you turn the thought around? She thought I was indecisive and not worth her time.

Client: I’m sorry, the screen, my screen froze a second. What was that?

Todd: Oh, sure. Yeah. So, um, how would you turn the thought around? She thought I was indecisive. And not worth her time.

Client: Uh, I thought I was indecisive and not worth my time. I really kind of feel I’ve done this in the spring. I mean, I spent a lot of time on this. And, uh, it just felt like it wasn’t worth my [00:14:00] time. And I’m not sure, you know, because it’s not my field. I’m not an interior decorator. So, you know, I was trying to figure out, is this the best tile?

Client: And I mean, this design, what’s in it. Uh. And so I was feeling inde, indecisive, you know, I wanted somebody to say, this is what I would suggest you do, blah, blah, blah. And, um, so I was kind of going with my gut, the tile color, so yeah, that’s true. I would, I, I was indecisive. I would’ve liked, since she’s like, kinda like the expert, the, the head person.

Client: I would’ve liked to have had to come over and say, oh, what you got there? Oh yeah, I really. Uh, I think that’s a good idea by just having them cut the tile and use that for your border instead of what we, what we originally went with, with another contrasting tile. So, yeah, I can see that now. I mean, you know, I could see that, [00:15:00] that I, I was indecisive.

Client: And I wanted her to come over and, uh, you know, kind of consult, you know what I mean? Kind of be there and comfort me that I, that I made a good choice. Yeah. She didn’t do it.

Todd: But that’s the baseline, like that you’ve been in this for six months or something like that. You had different contractors, you’ve gone to different types of tile, like And this, this feeling like there’s almost a self judgment already there, like that’s been going on. And then it’s so easy to just, when someone’s, when she snubs you, just imagine that that’s what she’s thinking.

Todd: But you were already thinking it. So that’s what I’m going to say. Yeah, yeah. That’s,

Client: that’s interesting. Yeah, because as soon as I said that I thought I was indecisive, um, I could say, yeah, that’s true. Very true.[00:16:00]

Todd: What’s interesting is when you see someone else thinking, when you imagine someone else is thinking that, then the reaction, part of the reaction, it can become defensive. Like I don’t want to really own that. Um, but what this turnaround is pointing to is that. Yeah, wait, I actually was indecisive, um, and as soon as I really own that, then there’s no defense and there’s sort of this, okay, yeah, this is just the, the process, uh, the way it’s going, and it’s, you know.

Todd: You know, I’m not an interior decorator. Um, so it’s a, yeah.

Client: Yeah, I wanted her to come over. And, uh, make sure. You wanted her to

Todd: come over and, yeah. And, uh, reassure her. Yeah,

Client: reassure me that Jess was a good choice. And she didn’t, so I, like you said, I retaliated in my mind. Thinking, well, Joy, she’s kind of being standoffish.

Client: [00:17:00] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: So that’s it. Like the mind reacts by judging her and then by judging myself and both things were happening there. Yeah. So

Todd: how, let’s, let’s look at that, that second turnaround, which we’re just kind of alluding to that is I thought she was indecisive or maybe more importantly, not worth my time. That would also be an opposite. Did you find any, anything interesting in that?

Client: Um, well I thought she was indecisive, um, like let’s say previously when I, when I worked with her, uh,

Client: I thought she was indecisive and not worth my [00:18:00] time. Um,

Client: I, I really didn’t want any of her feedback because I felt pretty comfortable with using, The I the plain tile and not having a border because as she was asked adding this stuff and Yeah, I just thought that I didn’t want her really didn’t want her any more input I made my mind up and I was ready to go.

Client: I already you know, yeah Was it worth my time to kind of belabor a further discussion with her since I just had one with this other gal,

Todd: right?

Client: right

Todd: So even though you wanted, like, some reassurance, on the other hand, you knew that she was, she would just open more questions and maybe make, prolong the [00:19:00] indecisiveness, uh, and you didn’t want that.

Client: No.

Todd: Mm hmm.

Client: Because I thought I made up my mind.

Todd: It was a good choice. You’d already made up your mind.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So how about when, when she actually, what you judged as snubbing her, snubbing you, when she did that? , um, can you find anything where you were thinking She’s not worth my time? That may have come up as well

Client: that she’s not worth my time.

Todd: Mm-hmm

Todd: Because I thought she was not worth my time. That’s the turnaround, you know, like that’s the second part of this turnaround. Um,

Client: I’m

Client: not sure I, uh,

Todd: it may not be true, but we’re just exploring it. Like the, the original thought is she [00:20:00] thought I was not worth her time. And the turnaround is, I think she’s not worth my time.

Client: Yeah, I, um,

Client: yeah, I had a limited amount of time there. And when I have worked with her, she’s very detailed and thorough. And I didn’t need that anymore. I didn’t want it anymore. Um, I’ve been putting some thought into it on the web and yada yada and, um, it wasn’t worth her, wasn’t worth, I did not want, it wasn’t worth my time to have her come in and give more feedback.

Client: I’m really glad she did.

Todd: Um,

Client: yeah, anyway, it goes back to what we already discussed.

Todd: Exactly. Yeah. So this [00:21:00] is one cohesive thought. Uh, I thought she was indecisive and not worth my time, and I really didn’t want her feedback anymore.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So, the cool thing about that turnaround is it’s like, once, if you really see that and feel that, Then it’s like, if she snubs me, it’s like, great.

Todd: Okay. I just got spared an extra half hour of more possibilities that she could have poured on.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Um,

Client: yeah, I, I thought of that. It’s like, this is nice. I’m getting out so quickly. Uh, but I didn’t connect the dots between that. You know, this was kind of over here and then this thought was over here.

Todd: Yeah.

Todd: Cause the mind grabs onto this idea of her. snubbing, you know, the idea of like her not liking me or something. And that becomes so distracting that we, that it’s easy to miss the benefit of her snubbing me is that I don’t have to [00:22:00] go down that road of more possible decisions to make and, and all of that.

Todd: So, yeah.

Todd: Okay. Is there another turnaround? She thought I was indecisive and not worth her time?

Client: Well, how about she thought, um, I was decisive,

Todd: you know. How could that be?

Client: And, uh, not worth her time. Well,

Todd: And worth her time? Yeah, and,

Client: uh, I

Todd: thought I was decisive and worth her time. That would be a full opposite.

Client: Yeah. That’s kind of interesting. Um,

Client: Definitely takes me out of the victim role.

Todd: Mm hmm.

Client: She thinks I was decisive and worth her time. Wow.

Todd: How’s that

Client: possible?[00:23:00]

Client: Uh,

Client: I gave the gal some feedback saying, you know, that’s really, I really like this. I like having it more subtle instead of having this border be kind of an accent. Uh, and, you know, just some of the stuff like that I was saying, and, uh, we went through, I made sure that the spreadsheet was updated, that they’d print out, and, uh, So I came across as being decisive and she did think and she could see that she turned around she goes Okay, you guys got it under control.

Client: I mean, she’s been doing this for a long time and

Client: And she’s probably felt good that she could kind of see the progression of how I started with her And,

Client: and she probably thought that it was worth [00:24:00] her time to invest in me at the beginning, uh, you know, in, in May, April, May, and, um, uh, she thought it was worth her time to work with me because I pretty much had it all planned out. I was ready to purchase the tile just about.

Todd: That’s cool. So even though there was like a lot of maybe decision making and indecisiveness in the beginning, that was part of the process, but in the end you were decisive and you actually were ready to purchase.

Todd: So yeah, she may have seen you that way.

Client: Yeah, it really swings it around when, um, I think that, uh, she, that I was, she thought that I was decisive and worth her time. Um, I just really have been dwelling on that, that, uh, part that, uh, That was not worth her time. Um, it just, you know, it makes me [00:25:00] feel, um, yeah, insignificant and not, not, and worthless, basically.

Client: And when turning around to, and worth her time, I could really see how, uh, I could see her sitting there and thinking, well, that was really glad that, that I worked with, that she worked with me and to get me set up with this tile. And that’s probably why she didn’t spend much time, because she thought, you know, you already got it.

Client: Looks like you got it together. That’s it. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Oh, that kind of blows me away.

Todd: Different perspective, different possibility. Yeah. Same situation. Yeah. That makes all the difference. Yeah. I

Client: kind of feel humbled right now.

Client: Yeah. That’s [00:26:00] a good thing. You know, it was a totally different story.

Todd: And I like I like the word humbled like there’s humble just takes me down to Normal like to where the reality is. Yeah humiliated takes me down further to like now I couldn’t have or that kind of thing which makes me feel bad again, but like if I was If I just see through my story, it does leave me humbled and, um, just in a way more open and more even minded in the way that I see it.

Todd: So that’s what this work does. It balances the story. It cuts through the story and finds the balance point. And the balance point is closer to reality. Even though we don’t know what her thoughts were exactly, we’ve balanced out what we thought were her thoughts with what could [00:27:00] have also been her thoughts in the opposite direction and they kind of cancel each other out and you’re left with a place of more neutrality, which is more peace.

Client: That’s what it feels like.

Todd: Cool. Well, thank you. Thank you. In this episode, we looked at how one thought can make a huge difference to your stress level. It was amazing to see how this one idea that, you know, this lady thought That she was indecisive and not worth her time. How that thought, when introduced, brought the whole stress level up.

Todd: And when taken away, even just hypothetically, you can see how it would be just not a big deal. We also looked at why questioning the thought can open up a new, more peaceful perspective. And that’s where these turnarounds come in. And you can see interesting ideas of like how it’s possible That this person actually thought she was [00:28:00] decisive and worth her time.

Todd: And this changes the perspective and changes the feeling. And then finally, we looked at how to explore the truth gently to find true humility and freedom. As opposed to humiliating yourself and we saw as this person was talking about, she said, I feel humbled and that’s like, you can feel there’s an opening in that.

Todd: It’s like an owning and a clarity and an easiness in that. If it’s taken too far. Then it can become humiliation and that’s, that’s not balanced. So we’re looking for that easy way of finding our truth, owning our truth, so that it enlightens us and opens us rather than shuts us down. So thanks for joining us.

Todd: It’s always a pleasure to have you with me and I look forward to next time. In the meantime, have a great rest of your day