Should I Hide My Feelings? A Meditation on Emotional Expression

By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to naturally shift the mind away from worrying about what others are thinking.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie, a method for questioning and reducing stressful thoughts. And yes, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover how to do The Work when you’re stressed by other people’s problems instead of your own, how to find a situation within a situation at the heart of a stressful moment, and how to find the courage to be honest and vulnerable, even around people you don’t like. Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays.

You bring your questions and stressful situations, and I guide you in the simple, powerful process of The Work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did. I have a question I’d like to dig into a little.

Sure, go ahead.

I have a friend going through a difficult time, and I’ve seen how I can do The Work on my own feelings when I feel attacked or defensive. But I struggle when I have thoughts that life is unfair to him, like he deserves another chance or something. But I can’t pinpoint a specific thought to question. And it’s not about me or anything being done to me. So, how do I do The Work when it’s not about me at all?

That’s a great question. So, what’s your first guess? Let’s play with it and see if we can figure it out. What’s your first guess on how to work with this?

I keep thinking things like, He deserves a second chance or Life should be more fair with him. Those thoughts cross my mind quite a bit.

Yes, so you just answered your question! When it’s about someone else, it’s the same as when it’s about yourself. Listen to the thoughts that are coming up inside of you. If you’re thinking, He deserves a second chance or Life should be more fair to him, those are your thoughts about his situation, and you can question your thoughts.

That’s interesting. I always thought it had to come back to me, so when it wasn’t about me, I didn’t know how to do it.

Yes, it will likely come back to you as you do The Work, but to find the stressful thought, any stressful thought will work. It can be about anything. You’re not using a full Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet here, but you could even write one about him or maybe about God, who isn’t giving him a second chance. Just trust the thoughts that keep coming up inside of you; they’re the exact ones to question.

Right, even though I could see it and feel it, I kept trying to find the thought that related back to me. It was like, How do I approach this myself and not for him? It got complicated, and I was stuck.

Sometimes the mind does make it more complicated. We start trying to reverse-engineer the situation to fit a particular format. But the idea when identifying stressful thoughts to question is to let that feeling of stress lead you. Stress is always connected to a thought, and if you trust the simple connection between that feeling and the thought, it’ll lead you exactly where you need to go in terms of doing The Work.

That makes so much sense. I was trying to reverse-engineer it, looking for the connection, but it got too intellectual. The Work deals with emotion, and emotions are simple. It’s about that basic, emotional part saying, I want that, or This is wrong. It doesn’t need to be overthought—just trust it. Trust your stress; it will show you what to work on.

That’s really cool. I’ll trust it next time.

I’d like to do The Work on a different thing if you don’t mind.

Sure.

So, I was talking to my daughter, and we were sharing how we felt. She mentioned a hug I gave her a while back and said it didn’t feel honest, like I felt I had to do it. In my mind, I thought it was because I felt the need to protect myself and not show too much emotion, or else I might get trapped in that. So, the thought keeps coming up that I shouldn’t show her my emotions because she could take advantage of it.

Okay, so let me just write that down. You shouldn’t show her your emotions. Which part feels closest: that you shouldn’t show her your emotions, or that she could take advantage of you if you did?

I think it’s about protecting myself by not showing those emotions. I see it come up in different situations, not just with her. In this situation, it was anchored by that hug, but it shows up in many places.

Let’s work on that. So, the situation is you were trying not to show your emotions when she said the hug didn’t feel honest. Was it in the moment of the hug, or later when she mentioned it?

It was when she mentioned it out loud and I thought, Oh, that’s because I have to protect myself. I didn’t say it, but in my mind, I knew that was why it happened.

Okay, so the situation is when you gave her that hug, and she later said it didn’t feel honest. Let’s question this in that moment. Is it true you shouldn’t show her your emotions?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Yes.

How do you react, what happens, when you believe you shouldn’t show her your emotions?

I feel forced, like I’m in a place I don’t want to be. Everything feels like an excuse to leave, and I feel like a victim. I feel trapped, tense, and start to sweat. I’m stuck wondering whether to say what I really think or keep it to myself.

And I sort of see her as the reason I’m there, like, You’re the reason I’m in this position.

What was happening in that situation? We talked about sharing feelings, but what was actually going on?

She was singing at her music school, and the people around her have this heavy, negative energy. I wanted to avoid any drama, so I felt forced to be there. It was like being in jail—I wanted to support her, but I felt trapped.

What do you think will happen if you show her your emotions? What images come up?

I imagine her or the people around her taking advantage of me. I picture them seeing me as weak and taking advantage of that vulnerability. It’s like I’ll be exposed. I tell myself I need to be strong and unapproachable so they don’t come near me.

What emotions come up when you think you shouldn’t show her your emotions?

There’s this split between pride—because she’s singing well—and anger for feeling like I have to hide my emotions. It’s frustrating, and I feel limited. I can’t be fully me. I feel like I have to put on a poker face.

Who would you be in that same situation without the thought that you shouldn’t show her your emotions?

Without that thought, I’m focused on her, not the people around us. I’m happy for her, and I don’t feel like I need to hide it. I feel free to do what I want and to show what I feel. I’m relaxed, not rushed. I can actually see her and appreciate her singing.

And who would you be when you hugged her if you didn’t have the thought that you shouldn’t show your emotions?

I’d be able to let my emotions show and give her a hug that shows I’m proud and happy for her.

Look at the people around. What do you see without the thought that you shouldn’t show your emotions?

They’re there, but my focus is completely on her. It’s like they don’t matter.

So turn the thought around: I should show her my emotions.

How could that be as true or truer?

It makes sense because I got so good at hiding my emotions that she doesn’t know what I actually feel. I should show her so she knows. She’s old enough to understand if I’m happy or sad.

How does it serve her if you show her your emotions?

She doesn’t have to guess how I feel, and I’m honest with her.

How does it serve you?

It teaches me that different emotions are natural, and I can show them. It’s honest and sets an example for her that it’s okay to show emotions.

When I show her my emotions, it’s the beginning of a real relationship—a new level of connection based on honesty.

Look at those people you were worried about taking advantage of you. Any examples where it’s safer than you think, or even okay to show emotions?

Yes, I see it’s okay because everyone has emotions. I’ve seen those people have emotional moments too. And I’m her dad; I kind of have permission.

So if you don’t show emotions, could they take advantage of you?

Anyone can take advantage of anyone, so I might as well be honest and show who I am to myself and to my daughter. The fear that they’ll take advantage of me isn’t there anymore. I can just show it and it doesn’t matter.

I love what you found about awareness. When my awareness is on others, I think I have to protect myself. But when my awareness is on her, or even closer—on me—I’m in my own world, and I stop caring about what others think.

I feel that. Thank you. That’s really cool.

In this episode, we looked at how to do The Work when you’re stressed by others’ problems instead of your own. We found it’s the same process: noticing your stressful thoughts and trusting your stress to tell you what to question.

We also saw how to find a situation within a situation. The original situation was his daughter saying the hug didn’t feel honest. We went deeper into the original moment, where he was surrounded by people he didn’t like, and identified that as the true source of stress.

Finally, we explored how to find the courage to be honest and vulnerable, even around people we don’t like. The thought, I shouldn’t show her my emotions, kept him focused on everyone else instead of on his connection with his daughter. As those thoughts fall away, you discover a place where you can be yourself, naturally shifting away from worrying about others’ thoughts.

Thank you for being here. I appreciate you joining these sessions, and I look forward to more work with you. Have a wonderful rest of your day.

If you haven’t already, be sure to go to the show notes and take the survey on the kinds of stress HSPs face. As a thank-you, you’ll receive access to my three-day stress management training for highly sensitive people.