The 3 Pillars of Stress Management for HSPs: A Path to Emotional Balance

  By the end of this episode, you’ll discover three essential areas to focus on for reducing stress as a highly sensitive person.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover what are the three pillars of stress management for highly sensitive people, why inner work alone is not enough for effective stress management, and the specific needs of HSPs when it comes to stress management. This is an edition of Strategy Fridays where we think about specific things you can do to help manage stress as a highly sensitive person.

Stress management is about one thing. It’s about feeling better. It’s about creating outer balance and inner freedom. And stress is just an indication that something is out of balance, that we’ve gotten out of touch with our own nature, which is peaceful on the inside. So stress management is a way of working with ourselves when we get out of balance.

and bringing ourselves back towards balance. Today I’d like to focus on what I call the three pillars of stress management for highly sensitive people. And these pillars are firstly to understand the unique and special gifts and limitations of being a highly sensitive person. That’s the starting point.

We have to know who we are, what we’re dealing with, and what are our special situations as highly sensitive people. The second pillar is Learning how to take care of ourselves and to live a balanced life. And this takes care of the whole world of outer existence, our physical, mental emotional, and everything that goes on in our day to day life.

And then finally, the third pillar is working with our ego, surrendering our ego to find true inner freedom. Stress management without this is incomplete. Because at the basis of stress is some kind of argument with what is some kind of ego trying to say, Yeah, this is what I want, and I’m attached to it, and I’m not going to be happy unless I get that.

So working with the ego, and we’ll get into some of the ways that this can be done is essential for managing stress. So let’s look at these three pillars in a little more detail. Firstly, the gifts and limitations of being a highly sensitive person. One thing that’s so important for stress, specifically for highly sensitive people, is understanding ourselves and seeing that there’s nothing wrong with us, that sensitivity doesn’t need to be gotten rid of.

That it’s actually a super quality and something we should be proud of. So, what are the qualities that come with being a highly sensitive person? We have naturally deep empathy and understanding. For ourselves, for other people we have heightened intuition. And we can, we can feel things and see things that many people miss because of the lack of sensitivity.

We are often very creative in our thinking. We can be artistic. We process things deeply. We have a heightened awareness and sensitivity to our environment. which can come and be a benefit in many, many ways. We have emotional intelligence. We have skills, often in conflict resolution. Interestingly, we actually, when balanced, are extremely resilient.

And we tend to want to look for balance, and so the chances of us experiencing that are actually quite high. We also, as HSPs, have a rich and complex inner life. And, we feel deep appreciation for beauty of any kind. We also have a strong sense of integrity and moral sensitivity. So to me, these are all exquisite qualities.

These are something that I wouldn’t trade for anything. They are the gifts of being a highly sensitive person. As a balance to this kind of shaming that many of us experience and we even do to ourselves of being quote unquote too sensitive judging ourselves as being too sensitive, there’s something wrong with me, that kind of thinking, seeing these, these beautiful people.

Amazing qualities of being a highly sensitive person helps to balance that and helps us see that we’re sensitive for a reason because we have things that we can do with that sensitivity to improve our world and to improve our own lives. So owning that is essential in experiencing less stress as a highly sensitive person.

Then the other point of that, the other part of that is that Highly sensitive people, because we’re highly sensitive and we have all these gifts, we have certain limitations. We can’t do, we can’t push ourselves to the extremes the way non highly sensitive people can. We basically perceive more data points in every situation, and we have to process all those data points.

We also like to go deep, and that means that a simple task for a non HSP would be a big task for an HSP. And a series of such tasks can can become extremely big and even overwhelming. So, we thrive on focusing on depth rather than breadth and saying no to everything but the task at hand is actually super important for us.

We have limitations. We just can’t go in a million directions at once and go all out and expect to not experience stress. We need regular breaks. We need sensory friendly environments. We can’t handle too much noise, too many things happening in our environment. It’s just a limitation of being an HSP. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us.

We don’t need to improve our ability we just, we just have to be aware of the limitations and then stay within those limitations as much as possible. We also need to maintain limitations like having healthy emotional separation because we’re so empathetic. We’re so able to see what and feel what another person is going through.

It can be easy to cross over into what’s really their business. and start taking on their business instead of staying back here where I am an independent person, but I still have empathy. There’s a balance there and finding that is super important. We also have to manage our time. Well, we have to avoid overscheduling.

We have to make reasonable like to have, if we are dealing with deadlines, we have to make sure that those are reasonable. We have to limit other kinds of. Our exposure to different things like violence and even too much of the news or things that kind of agitate us. We have to prioritize sleep and nutrition and exercise and the things that make anybody feel healthy.

So these are our limitations. We can’t push it to the limit the way non HSPs can. And for me, I look at that as a really good thing. Because It means that we have to, by default, by just by being who we are, we have to keep the most important things central. We have to keep balance in life, we have to keep being sane as important in our lives rather than just chasing everything that comes along in life.

So these two things form the main part of the pillar of how to. Understand ourselves as highly sensitive people, the gifts we have, the limitations we have, and how to stay within those limitations. This is a super key point, and it’s unique to being a highly sensitive person when you’re managing your stress.

So now the other two pillars are more universal. They are not always specific to highly sensitive people, but we again need them more than anyone else. And that is taking care of yourself, living a balanced life, basically doing everything to take care of outer balance. And the other is working on surrendering our ego, experiencing a more neutral or less attached place on the inside, so that we can be ourselves.

And be free and be happy regardless of whether there is actual balance on the outside or not. So let’s take a look at the second pillar, which is taking care of yourself and living a balanced life. There are three main areas where I like to think of this as necessary. One is the body, one is the heart, one is the mind.

On the level of the body, it’s very simple, but very necessary. We need good food we need rest and activity, a good routine, and we need good exercise. If we’re not doing these things, then we will quickly fall out of balance for any human being, but we will fall out of balance quicker and we will notice it sooner as highly sensitive people.

So taking care of yourself in these ways is essential. Eating healthy food, fresh food, freshly prepared, not processed, not dead and dumb food. Rest, getting time for sleep, for meditation, for downtime for recreation. is super important. And exercise, doing it regularly, is what keeps the body going. The body needs exercise to stay healthy.

Otherwise, it just, it just atrophies and falls apart. So, that’s on the level of body. There’s a whole lot we could talk about in terms of all of those things, but that’s one area where you can take care of yourself and live a more balanced life. Then, the other next area is on the level of the heart. And this means that taking care of ourselves emotionally.

And this means being able to process our emotions, pacing ourselves with emotional situations so that we can have time to process them. It also includes finding ways to connect with others that doesn’t doesn’t imbalance us. We easily get overwhelmed by lots of social situation, social yeah, any kind of social situation that is too much, maybe too many people or too many things at once.

And so we often push away from socializing. But we are social animals and we need socialization in some form or another on a regular basis. So finding ways to do that. Maybe it’s one on one. Maybe it’s there’s something where you’re working in a structured or kind of situation, either playing a sport or working with people at your, in your work.

There’s some way that socialization has to be a part of your life to keep that heart experience balanced. having purpose, having time for leisure having focusing on actually taking care of your your, like we think of money, for example, as something material, but money is really relationship.

It’s like, how are you giving to others? And then they’re giving to you like that reciprocity is a social thing. And so looking to how can I give more? How can I be participating more? in the world to not only serve others, but also to serve myself. Alignment is super key for the heart. Like, that what I want, what I, who I am on the inside is reflected on who I am on the outside.

And any ways that I can do to improve that are super helpful. And then finally, I can mention on the level of the heart, working through any kinds of traumas or any kinds of difficulties on the emotional level that are sticking and holding you back in some way. can be super helpful for balancing your life on the emotional level.

So let’s look at the last area, which is the area of the mind. And the mind needs balance by, it needs to be slowed down sometimes. We tend to be perfectionistic. We tend to want to do things really well, and then we can hold ourselves to a very high standard, which can actually cause stress for us.

It’s a lack of balance. So I like to think of myself really as always a student. I don’t, I don’t have to get to some perfect place. I just want to keep improving. And in another area, doing one thing at a time. If you want to keep, make your mind go crazy, start doing many things at once. Multitasking, it’s just, it’s not very good for anyone, but it’s especially difficult for highly sensitive people.

Sometimes you have to, but yeah. If possible, see if you can do one thing at a time. Even when you are multitasking, you still can only focus on one thing. So just do that. Prioritizing and planning are super important for balancing the mind, saying no, learning how to minimize overwhelming situations.

These are all super important for balance on the level of the mind. So let’s look at the last pillar, which is surrendering your ego and finding true inner freedom. This is the foundation. You know, if I do nothing else, this is probably the most important, but sometimes it can become, sometimes it’s easy to make this such a priority that we forget about the other pillar, which is balancing your day to day life.

That’s also important. So both things, inner and outer, are necessary. So, the problem with the ego is that it does not want to just quit its job on its own. You can’t just fire it and say, hey, be done, I’m out of your, you know, enough of you. It has to resign on its own. It has to say, okay, What I’m seeing here is there’s a better way to do this, and I could actually get what I want without, without interfering, then it might move in that direction of becoming less attached to its wants and needs.

And my favorite way of doing this, as you all know, is the work of Byron Katie. It’s basically canceling the ego through opposites. So, I, the ego wants things. I want, you know, I want a new car or something like that. And the ego gets so attached to it and so focused on it and works as Okay, you want a new car.

Is it true? And it makes you really think about it. Is it really true that that’s what you want? And are you sure? And how do you react? And who would you be without that thought? Could the opposite even be true? That you don’t want it and your life would be even better without that new car. This gives freedom.

This gives freedom. spiritual freedom. It’s a, it’s an ego settling down and relaxing its grip. That’s what this process allows. So super important for experiencing peace, experiencing freedom, and it comes from deep inner work. Another area that I love to do is transcendental meditation, or you can say any form of meditation that is a deep meditative experience.

It allows you to transcend the ego through quietness. And as the mind gets quieter and quieter and quieter, it just, the ego just can’t hold on. It just lets go. It’s just not important. Because there’s something deeper, more solid, more real that’s coming up through the experience of meditation. That’s another powerful way to work on this process of surrendering the ego, finding who you really are, which is a more free and more full state.

Another great area is selfless service, or you can say devotion, offering your ego to something higher. This is age old way of Finding peace through giving yourself over to something higher, and it’s a, it’s a something that is well worth exploring as well. And then finally, company of the wise, studying wisdom.

And this allows you to move beyond the ego through understanding and through seeing the examples of other people who have done that, and that can be super inspiring. So all of these are ways to loosen that, that sticky attachment that the mind has to getting what it wants, to getting the fruits of its actions.

And that is, if you can loosen that, can give extreme peace and extreme freedom. on the deepest level on the inside. So I do like to mention though that inner work alone, as powerful as it is, is not enough for stress management. Inner work alone means like just doing the work of Byron Katie or just doing meditation.

Some of these things are, some of the experiences that come out of it are amazing. And you can say, if you had to choose one, this would be the one to choose. But I also want to mention that life is a balance, and life has an external, material physical, emotional, mental side to it, as well as that quiet, spiritual side as well.

And so it’s as important to take care of the external as it is to take care of the internal. I know this from my own experience. I have been focused on inner work my whole life and doing meditation and just going as deep inward as possible for those inward transformations. But there have been times when I’ve neglected my health, you know, there was a time when I was meditating so much that I lost something like, I don’t know, like 20, 25 pounds because I was not exercising, was not eating much.

I developed problems, back pains. I started having, you know, I had all kinds of issues. I had problems in my liver, had problems in my digestive system. So. Yes, I was having a lot of deep experiences and felt wonderful in a lot of ways, but my body was falling apart. And you can say, well, so be it.

No big deal. You’ve got the highest thing, which is the inner quiet, but why not have both? Why not take care of both? You know, at the same time, I neglected career and neglected so many relationships. And so I invite you to, to work on. on both things, work on the external and work on the internal simultaneously.

And as I mentioned, keep in mind that you’re a highly sensitive person. So stay within those limits as well. The specific things that HSPs have to think about are That we need extra attention on maintaining the outer balance, because we have limitations and we can’t go outside of those limitations, and life is just not as forgiving for us.

And so we just have to be more focused on taking care of ourselves. The fundamentals of stress management are the same for all human beings. It’s a balance of inner work and outer work. And together they bring a A very powerful approach to dealing with any kind of stress. And I can say one last thing is that as HSPs, we have a major advantage in, with regards to stress management, in that we are extra motivated to do our work.

Whether it’s inner work or outer balancing work, we, we feel things. We feel stress. And so that motivation is a major asset for us. Because it allows us to stay focused and go the distance and really do major work that can have a super effect on our experience and can make us more resilient, possibly, than if we were not so sensitive.

In this episode, we looked at what are the three pillars of stress management for highly sensitive people. And we saw that the first pillar is understanding the gifts and limitations of being a highly sensitive person. And it’s important to understand the gifts so that we can balance out this shaming that seems to happen about being too sensitive and start to own the value of our sensitivity.

And then the limitations, of course, is, okay, yeah, we have a lot of gifts in this regard. But we also have limitations that come along with it. And so how can we stay within those? Let’s be realistic. We can’t do some of the things that maybe other people can do. And then the second pillar is how to take care of yourself and live a balanced life.

And we looked at three main areas where this balance can take place. One is on the level of the body. Taking care of your food and your your rest and your exercise. The other is on the level of the heart just engaging more socially having Alignment working through anything that’s holding you back emotionally and then on the level of the mind Which is just doing one thing at a time backing up a little bit from perfectionism if possible prioritizing saying no Keeping balance in that way.

So then, we looked at pillar number three, which is surrendering your ego and finding true inner freedom. It’s only when the ego lets go of its attachment that peace really begins to be an experience. And so, even if your life is not balanced, you don’t have perfect health, you don’t have satisfaction in a relationship or some other issue, Even if life isn’t balanced, you can still be free, you can still be peaceful on the inside as long as you’re not attached.

And that’s what this third pillar is all about. So the, we saw, you know, the work of Byron Katie, meditation study of wisdom, all of these things can help to loosen the grips of the ego. And then finally, we touched on why inner work alone is not enough for stress management. You can have a lot of peace on the inside and a lot of imbalance on the outside.

And, of course, peace is number one priority, but why forgo balance when some of the things that can create balance on the outside are actually not that hard to implement? And we also looked at the specific needs of HSPs when it comes to stress management, and it mainly focuses on that need for balance more than other people because our limitations are smaller.

Like, we have more limitations. We have to stay within a more narrow trajectory so that we don’t get overwhelmed. The advantage we have, though, is that because we’re so sensitive to stress, we are extra motivated to do our inner work and our outer work, and HSPs by nature are conscientious anyway, so we are motivated and we tend to follow through on doing what is necessary to create outer balance and to find inner peace.

So thanks for listening. It’s always a pleasure to be with you on these episodes. I look forward to the next one. And in the meantime, have a wonderful rest of your day,