What If You Didn’t Have to Start the Year Perfectly? A New Path for HSPs Craving Balance

 By the end of this episode, you’ll discover why New Year’s resolutions often backfire for highly sensitive people, and how to start the year with more balance and self-trust.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People. A podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie. A way to question and reduce stressful thoughts, and you guessed it. I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover why sensitive people often hit a wall just days into January. The hidden pressure behind ambitious goals and how it sneaks up on sensitive nervous systems. A gentler, more sustainable way to begin the year without losing your center. This is an addition of Breakthrough Mondays, where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the path towards inner freedom.

The holidays are over. Ironically, they don’t always feel like holidays if they were filled with busy activities. And as highly sensitive people we’re very affected by lots and lots of activity. Sometimes it feels like you need a holiday after the holidays. Now, on top of that, there is the new year coming up and it’s time to make new plans or so we hear, and this can add yet more stress to the highly sensitive nervous system because as highly sensitive people, we like to plant.

And we tend to put a lot of attention on doing what we do well. So we work out plans in detail. And this takes time, and it’s not always possible, first of all, to know what all the details are going to be. And secondly, it’s not always time to have, it’s not always possible to have the time to dedicate to that kind of planning.

This can add a level of frustration at the beginning of the year, even before you’ve started taking any action in terms of New Year’s resolutions or doing something that you want to do in the new year. The thing is, as highly sensitive people, we tend to have an ability to see further into the future, and so our plans tend to be big they’re all encompassing.

We actually tend to aim quite high. Even if it doesn’t seem high, it is because we are paying attention to all of the repercussions of what we’re planning. We want it to work out well, not only for ourselves, but for others, and for all the different factors in our lives. And so this can add a layer of complexity to making plans that other people really don’t have in their top of mind.

In addition. Another layer of stress at this time of year is we can tend to hold ourselves accountable to our previous plans because we’re responsible people. That is one of the gifts of being highly sensitive. And so we may look back on what we did last year and think, oh my gosh, I didn’t do so well.

And it can take the wind out of our sails. Why bother starting with new plans? And there can be a lack of energy there as well. Finally a very, I think, interesting piece of all this is a cultural one. If you live in a culture, and I think most cultures tend to be this way, at least, especially Western cultures, where it’s expected in a way to have New Year’s resolutions, to have plans for the new year.

We as highly sensitive people pick up on these social pressures and may feel like we have to plan. Even if we don’t feel drawn to, there’s a kind of a should built in here and we’re trying to be like everyone else. And then of course we want to do it really well because we’re so conscientious and it can lead to a sense of overwhelm before you even get out of the gates.

So let’s look at some of the hidden pressures behind ambitious goals and how this can sneak up on us as highly sensitive people. One of these pressures is. The excitement that gets that is really becomes an urgency. So excitement is great, but then it can start to be disguised as urgency and we can begin with a genuine inspiration and watch it quickly morph into an urgency without even noticing.

So we pick up on these. Cues from our society to do more. And we may not even be aware of them, but we live in a society. So it tends to be there. And then you may find that your body may say, be saying to slow down while your mind is saying speed up and keep up with expectations, whether those are societal expectations or your own expectations.

So this urgency to. To be something to do, something to accomplish something can add a level of stress to what normally would just be a curiosity and something you’d like to explore, and something that could be actually just fun to do. It becomes urgent and that’s a layer of stress. The other thing we can do is attach self-worth.

To what we’re doing. And so ambitious goals often come bundled with hidden beliefs. If I can achieve this, then I’ll finally feel enough. I look back, I’ve been a in business for myself, had my own business for now 24 years. It’s been three different businesses over time, but I started it with that kind of desire to prove myself.

I wanna be an all grown up. I want to be. Able to take care of myself. I wanna be able to do something for the world. And while these are great ideas, these are, when I look at my track record, my goodness, the first two businesses they did okay, but eventually I closed them, you could say. Didn’t work out.

And they’ve been a lot of ups and downs. If I’ve been waiting for 24 years to prove that I am all grown up. Then I’m gonna keep on waiting and waiting. It’s a long game. And so if we attach self-worth to what we’re trying to accomplish, it can feel frustrating, and that adds another layer of stress.

Another place where this can happen is we can overestimate our capacity and in a way, underestimate our sensitivity. Our nervous systems get taxed easily. We reach overwhelm more, more easily than others. We know that from the scientific research, maybe you just came out from a busy holiday season and you’re already at max.

So pushing forward with big plans can often ignore the real need, which is recalibration recovery, integration and balance. So it’s easy to get caught up in that. You can say it’s like a dopamine trap where new goals light up the brain and you get excited about the anticipation, but then that anticipation fades pretty quickly and then you end up crashing because the excitement’s worn off and the energy isn’t sustainable.

Another place, which I’ve alluded to is a kind of unconscious mimicry. Where we as sensitive people often pay attention, very close, pay attention to what others are doing, to what society’s doing, to what others are trying to accomplish. And without realizing it, we can end up taking on goals that aren’t even ours.

That one always blows me away how often I do that kind of thing. Like where did I get that idea that’s what I wanted to do? Maybe it was a friend’s. Idea, someone else’s business idea or some social trend or something that you think, oh yeah that’s what I’m gonna do now.

There’s nothing wrong with getting ideas from other people as long as it resonates with your own deeper inner connection. But a lot of times we’re not paying attention that closely and we can end up thinking that’s what we want. And just going. Forward in a direction that doesn’t really resonate on a deep level.

The problem with that is that when you have ambition without alignment, then that is the formula for burnout. So HSPs as well as other people, but especially HSPs, thrive when we are aligned, when we have soul-centered goals. Not when we’re forced into doing something for an external goal that doesn’t actually match up with who we are.

And then when goals don’t honor our natural rhythms, then even if we are successful at them, it can feel hollow and it can feel exhausting. So paying attention to all of this is really important if we’re going to stay balanced in the new year. I remember when I was in grad school, I had a professor who used to be a an Air Force pilot, and then he trained Air Force Pilots, and he told me this story of a young pilot who was doing his first solo mission, just a test run, and he was supposed to go from point A to point B.

He took off and was going great guns and everything’s looking good. And there was a thunderstorm right in the middle of the line between point A and point B. And being a rookie, he just kept to the plan and he just went straight into the thunderstorm. He, is he broke his altimeter on the top level and, and basically was shot way up and way down and passed out everything. When he got out of the cloud miraculously, he phoned back to radioed, back to base, and they said, okay, yeah, that was a thunderstorm. Just come back to base and we’ll take care of it. What did he do? He turned around and went right back into the same thunderstorm.

I love this story because it’s such a graphic. A demonstration of what happens when you have a plan. I’m gonna go from point A to point B, and you don’t adjust to the reality that is on the way between point A and point B. So when you don’t adjust, you just fly blindly by plans. And this can be another way that we can end up.

Getting stuck in something that really is not actually doable. I believe that planning is great. I think that HS p HSPs plan really well, and I think we should keep doing that, but there’s a big difference between planning and the actual outcome, the actual execution of the plan. One of those things lies in my domain, and one of those things does not lay in my domain, and that is I can control what I plan and I can control what I’m doing right now to move towards that plan.

I can’t control what’s the bigger picture and what’s else is going to come along or what’s going to come, and for that and so if I’m holding onto a plan really tightly. I can end up getting really stressed because I can’t control everything. There’s a saying in English, and I know there’s a saying in many languages that saying of God willing, and I love that phrase because when you really feel it, there’s a real peace that comes in when you say, oh, I’ll see you tomorrow, God willing.

And of course it can be overused, but the feeling is what I wanna pay attention here to. If I have a plan and I’m open to. Maybe that plan will work out, maybe it won’t, God willing, and maybe it will work out in this way, or maybe it’ll have a different twist to it. That’s an open mind, that’s an open heart, and that is a very stress-free way of experiencing planning.

So the way I like to do this kind of year planning or planning at any time is to first brainstorm, literally put everything down. The idea is that you picked up from your friends, from your, from the media, from yourself, from everything and just everything’s fair game. Put it on there if it is something you’re actually interested in, and then go through and start weeding out the plans that aren’t as aligned as the others.

Basically what I’m looking for is what’s one thing I can do? Pick one goal and focus on that one, and that’s where I’m going to be able to go deeply with it. Time is limited. I can’t do everything. So is there just one thing that I’d like to do, and given that I can’t even control whether I’ll be able to accomplish that or not, then I would like to go even closer and say, what’s the one next step that I could take and just focus on that, whether I end up reaching that goal or not.

This allows for your plans to morph and to change as the year goes forward. This allows for a very dynamic hold on goals instead of getting stressed by them, because I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to actually deliver on them, and that tendency towards perfectionism can get engaged, and I’m trying to make sure it’ll happen, and I don’t know if I will be able to make that happen.

And so I never even begin because it’s too stressful. So the feeling I’m left with today is that planning is a powerful exercise. It sets a direction and it’s a wonderful exercise to do, but holding plans loosely, as opposed to tightly allows them to be executed organically instead of rigidly. In this episode, we looked at why sensitive people often hit a wall just days into January.

That is because we like to plan in detail. We like to look closely at our plans, and also because we don’t do well with plans that are not aligned with our deeper aspects. And then as a result, we can end up trying to act too soon, maybe just to keep up with everyone else. And this just adds to that feeling of disconnection and can lead to burnout.

We also looked at the hidden pressure behind ambitious goals and how it sneaks up on the sensitive nervous system. We often overestimate our capacity and underestimate our sensitivity. So part of planning is being aware of what our limitations are and planning in a way that allows us to do things in a gradual way that is over time going to be successful.

Finally, we looked at a gentler, more sustainable way to begin the year without losing your center. I say plan big. Follow your heart. Listen to all of the great ideas that are coming your way or that are coming out of you. Take time to plan. Maybe even take weeks or months just to plan. What’s wrong with that?

Why do I have to hit the gates running in week 2nd of January? Then once you are clear on a direction, narrow it down to just one project and then one step, and then let come what may. So thanks for listening. It’s fun to explore with you. This program comes out three times a week on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Join me next time for self-Compassion Wednesdays where we dive deeper into understanding ourselves as highly sensitive people. By exploring the unique traits that shape our experience.