When Criticism Feels Personal: A Guided Meditation for Highly Sensitive People

By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to take the charge out of criticism when it comes.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover. How to find the emotional interpretation lying underneath your experience of criticism. How to reframe criticism so that it doesn’t sting. And how to look objectively at criticism, even as a highly sensitive person. This is an edition of Guided Meditation Mondays, where I’ll be guiding you to do the work of Byron Katie as you listen.

As highly sensitive people, we are often deeply affected by even small and well intentioned feedback or offhand comments. What might seem insignificant to others can feel deeply personal, it can trigger self doubt, it can bring on emotional overwhelm or defensiveness. So let’s look at this kind of situation and see if we can find a way to experience it in a less stressful.

So think for a minute of a time when someone’s words felt like an attack. Maybe it was a coworker critiquing your work, or a partner pointing out some habit of yours, or a parent making a dismissive comment. Think of a really specific time and place where you know where you were, you remember the feeling, and you can go back there and be there.

Sometimes something really recent can help with this. But it doesn’t have to be. Think of a time when someone’s words felt like an attack.

For example, I’m thinking of a situation that happened just today at lunchtime, and my partner was washing the dishes, I was drying the dishes, and he looked in the compost pot and saw that I hadn’t emptied the compost pot, and it was full, and it was my day to cook, so that would be my job. And he makes this little noise, just oh, like he’s surprised, and in my mind, I’m hearing, and he’s disappointed, and even attacking, in that.

Think of a situation like that. Someone said something, reacted in a certain way, said something that you’ve probably heard. felt as critiquing or critical and it was stressful for you.

And if you need more time, then just pause the recording and you can take as much time as you need. So the next thing we want to do is, having found the situation, let’s look for the mind’s emotional interpretation that’s lying underneath your experience of that criticism. How is your mind at this point?

interpreting. What were you thinking? And there may be many ways to do this. One thought that comes up for me, and you can use this as well, is they are attacking me. And it’s very, could be very subtle. They may not, they may deny it, but I feel it, and this is what’s getting me. So my interpretation of what that sound was, Oh, when he says, Oh, is that he’s attacking me.

So let’s take that emotional interpretation and let’s question it using the work of Byron Katie. And in your situation, it may be slightly different. This word, I’m attacking them. I’m sorry, they’re attacking me should be close enough that you can get some kind of a connection with that. And if you can.

Then just follow along and answer the questions as we go together. So the first question of the work is it true? So in that situation, when that person said that thing or did that thing, they were attacking you. Is it true?

And it’s just a yes or a no. So you have to sit with it for a minute to see where you land. And it takes some stillness.

And I like to be there. I can see exactly where I was standing. I can remember the Hearing the comment. I didn’t even say anything back to him, but I know what he was thinking. Question is, are they attacking you? Is that true?

I’m gonna go with a yes. It’s a very small yes. I almost want to say no, but there’s enough of it there that I still believe it. And what’s important in answering this question is that you’re honest about it. Just be honest. What do you actually see? And that may change. but report as honestly as you can.

So if your answer was yes to the first question, then we’ll go to the second question. If your answer was no, you can skip the second question. Second question is, can you absolutely know it’s true that they are attacking you? Are you sure?

So again, it’s a yes or a no. And I

have to go with a no. I really don’t know for sure.

So the third question is, how do you react? What happens when you think that they are attacking you in this situation? They said what they said. What happens to you when you believe it, when you interpret it as they are attacking you?

I become defensive. I start thinking, yeah, I was just about to do it, I just ran out of time, I start looking for something to blame I wasn’t expecting this to take so much time, and I then I start attacking myself, I should have started earlier, got carried away, it wasn’t fair, I had to make two extra things that I don’t usually make at lunch, so that took up more of the time I could feel this defensive energy.

And that’s how I react when I think that he’s attacking me. I meet that with defense. How do you meet that attacking energy? What happens when you see it as attack?

I also notice a kind of heat in my body, like a kind of anger comes out in my skin and feels this sense of injustice or unfairness or lack of understanding. I crave to be understood. And I’m being met with what I’m judging as impatience and attack.

So I get a little bit of head of steam inside of myself. I’m not saying anything, but I feel it.

What happens to you when you think they’re attacking you?

And how do you treat them? That’s also part of reaction. How do you treat them when you think they’re attacking you?

I push him away. I look down on him a little bit. Oh, you’re being impatient. I feel a little bit superior. At the same time, I feel inferior because I didn’t get the job done. It’s a weird combination.

And I already reported how I treat myself. But if you haven’t, take a minute to look at that. What happens to you?

Think I’m not good enough? Should have started earlier? I should prioritize cooking? I should be more efficient?

I should have fit that little task in? Earlier.

So these are all the ways that you react when you think they’re attacking you. And there may be many more, but this is a good start, gives the flavor of what happens. The thought is there, they’re attacking me, and then these reactions just run.

So let’s imagine for a moment you’re in the same exact situation, the person says the exact same words, same tone, everything. Exactly the same. But imagine this time that you don’t have the thought that they’re attacking you.

Who would you be hearing their words, hearing their tone even, without the thought they’re attacking you?

What do you see?

In my case, I see my partner making a comment. See him expressing surprise.

I see him noting that the compost pot is full. If I don’t think he’s attacking me, I just see him expressing something.

Maybe he’s even just expressing a desire for that to be empty. Maybe he’s trying to communicate it to me. But if I don’t see it as attack, it feels pretty benign.

How about you? What do you see when you look at that person? Without the story, they’re attacking you.

I see someone on my team. We both run this household together and I see him just being a part of that team. I also see something didn’t notice until just now how restrained he is in really, in reality, he. is not even saying anything to me. He just made that little, oh,

I’ve probably trained him over years of being reactive to anything he said that he he’s adjusted. I see that without this thought.

I see us more as friends, as equals.

So what’s interesting in this is that the words are the same. The sound is the same. He just says, Oh, but I’m not interpreting it as he’s attacking me. And so I don’t go into defense, I don’t go into self criticism. It’s more just about him. I wonder what he’s thinking. And I’m grateful that he’s not saying more.

And I see it as a kind of reminder. Oh yeah, still need to do that. Don’t forget.

It feels easier. In fact, without that thought that he’s attacking me, it feels really easy, simple. So this shows you that the thought, this interpretation that they’re attacking me, is what amps up the energy. It’s what makes it so hard to hear criticism. It’s not the criticism itself that It’s the thought contained in there that I’m actually putting on top of it that they’re attacking me.

So if that’s not there, the same criticism potentially doesn’t have to be at all stressful to me. This is very interesting to notice. So if that’s the effect of this thought, they’re attacking me, what could be some turnarounds? Turnarounds are a way of looking at the same thought, but Turned inside out and upside down and all around, and looking at it from different angles to see if there’s as much truth or maybe even more truth in the opposites than in the original.

The original is, they are attacking me. A turnaround could be, I am attacking me. So how could that turnaround be as true or truer in this situation? I’m attacking myself maybe more than they are attacking me. What do you see in your situation? Why are you attacking yourself?

I can find it in mine right away. I wanted to do a perfect job. Like a perfect job. Lunch cooking for me is everything’s done, all the food’s cooked, delicious, nicely done, on time, and the compost is taken out if it needs it. I’m really judging myself as a failure. I’m already pre judging myself as a failure there.

That was already going on. All it took was one O from him to just trigger what was already happening inside of me. If I hadn’t been attacking myself already His O would have made zero difference to me. So this is really important because it means that I’m the one causing the stress here. My idea that I need to do it perfectly Which could be an underlying belief that I could question separately.

I need to cook lunch perfectly. That is what’s setting me up to feel like a failure if I don’t, and that’s what makes me feel really susceptible to criticism. Someone could be super nice about it, and I’m still going to feel like it’s an attack if I’m already attacking myself for not doing it perfectly.

That’s one turnaround. Let’s look for another. The original statement was, they are attacking me. The turnaround is, I’m attacking them. Can you find that in your situation, where you may be attacking them as much as they are attacking you, possibly? I don’t know.

In my situation, I didn’t actually say anything, so I can’t say that I, Verbally attacked in any way, but in my mind I put him down. Oh, he’s saying that sound again, and actually it’s funny the way I said that just now. I was saying the exact same kind of tone and word or sound that he was saying. I was saying, oh, like rolling my eyes at him.

Just like I thought he was doing that to me. So I’m attacking him if I see it. It just levels things out. Wait a minute. He’s not the only one attacking here. I’m attacking too. When I see that, it makes me, it’s just makes me pause. Wait a minute.

So I’m attacking them. How do you find it in your situation? Are you attacking in some way?

If so, like they say, let him without guilt, throw the first stone. Wait a minute. Oh, wait, I’m also guilty here. Not that I’m guilty, but I’m doing the same thing. So it levels it up.

We’re two human beings, we do what human beings do, we judge, we attack, and I’m no less involved in that than

Now the point of this is not to make myself look bad or make myself feel bad, it’s just to bring balance to the situation. I’m attacking them, if I see that, it just takes energy out of my urge to, put them in their place or shut them up.

So let’s look at another turnaround. Original statement is, they are attacking me, and the turnaround would be, they are not attacking me. How is it possible, in your situation, This person is not actually attacking you when they are saying exactly what they’re saying with the same tone of voice that they said it.

And remember, there may be a mix of both in there. Maybe they are attacking, maybe they’re not attacking. Maybe they’re attacking, but not as much as you think. But we’re looking for this other side, which may be there, but is not getting the light of day, because I’ve been so focused on this idea. that they’re attacking me.

So what do you see?

I’m sorry, they are not attacking me. Is there another explanation for their speech? Is there something else they might be doing?

So when I look at my situation, it might just be a surprise. Oh, he’s thinking, oh, okay, thought that would be empty. And he’s not blaming or attacking, he’s just noticing. That’s one possible explanation. What else? It could be that he’s simply pointing something out, as a reminder to me. And instead of attacking, he’s actually even diminishing his speech.

He might’ve said, Oh, you didn’t take the compost out. But he didn’t. He said, I left it at that. I got the message. So he’s almost trying to be kind. That’s another way of looking at it. Instead of he’s attacking me, actually trying to be kind here. It’s very possible in my situation. Now there may be situations, you may be faced with one where It really does seem like it is attack.

Now we don’t want to pretend that’s not happening. If you look really closely, it may not be as strong as what you think. It may not be at all. And that’s what we’re exploring. What we want to land on is whatever seems to be the truth. Not to make it up or not to try to push ourselves into believing something that isn’t true.

That doesn’t help.

So they are not attacking me. Is there any other way that could be true? They’re not attacking me.

They’re not attacking you.

He didn’t say anything about me at all. He didn’t say, he didn’t roll his eyes. He didn’t say, I can’t believe you didn’t take out the compost. He didn’t put me down in any way. He made a simple sound. The rest was guesswork on my part, interpretation and guesswork, and I really don’t know what he was thinking.

So it’s very possible that he was not attacking me.

Okay, another possible turnaround we can play with, which is similar is instead of they are attacking me. I am defending myself. How could that be a part of the equation here? How could it be that maybe you’re defending yourself more than actually you’re being attacked?

For me it was immediate. I just looked at all the reasons why I couldn’t get it done and I was, it was like full of excuses and feeling like it wasn’t fair and trying to defend myself. The energy, I could feel it in my solar plexus, like this energy of defense. So I’m defending myself now. That could be what’s going on, rather than he’s attacking me.

Feels like the same thing. Feels like I’m being attacked. What could really be going on is that I’m just defending myself against something that isn’t an attack. And then it feels like an attack. So it’s very interesting. I get a little circular logic there That I experience some, I experience myself defending myself, so therefore, I must be being attacked.

I could be completely not being attacked, but if I’m defending myself, it’s going to feel like I am. So that’s a possible explanation. In this episode, we looked at how to find the emotional interpretation Lying underneath your experience of criticism. And what we saw is a thought like, They’re attacking me, can be sitting there underneath, causing all the charge for you.

And what’s interesting about that and seeing that is that it means that the words themselves, even the tone that the person is saying, doesn’t have to get us stressed. It depends on the interpretation. When I interpret it as they’re attacking me, then that’s what amps it up for me. And then we also looked at how to reframe criticism so that it doesn’t sting.

And reframing It means, first of all, playing with that thought, questioning it as we did, and then turning it around and finding out that I may be attacking myself. That may be the main thing going on, or that I may be attacking them, adding more stress to the situation than was needed, and they may not be attacking me after all.

It may be me being defensive. And just creating this illusion of being attacked within my own mind. Looking at these possibilities can often soften that experience of criticism so that it doesn’t feel like an attack. And then finally, we looked at how to look objectively at criticism, even as a highly sensitive person.

And this depends on looking at it from all sides. It’s one of the things we’re good at as highly sensitive people. Is looking at all the angles, all the different angles, all the different possible interpretations. And when you weigh them out and balance them, you may find that the situation is not nearly as dire, not nearly as stressful as what you originally thought.

So thanks for joining me. Thanks for doing this work with me. I look forward to working with you. Doing more with you but in the meantime, I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.