When Non-HSPs Don’t Get It: A Guided Meditation for Highly Sensitive People

  By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how to find peace even when non HSPs don’t really understand your needs.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover how to become independent of approval and disapproval from others, how to find understanding for yourself even when your needs are different than others, and how to empower yourself even if someone is trying to change you. This is an edition of Guided Meditation Mondays, where I’ll be guiding you to do the work of Byron Katie as you listen.

One of the challenges of being an HSP is that we’re, we are a minority. We’re only 20 percent of the world’s population, and while that’s a fair amount 80 percent of the world’s population is a non HSP, non highly sensitive people. And so, it’s common to be misunderstood or judged because people just don’t understand.

And what I’d like to do in this meditation is to, Work with that and see how we can find peace even in a world that doesn’t necessarily understand us. So think of a time when you weren’t understood. Maybe you were sensitive to some sounds or crowds in your environment parties, concerts. Something that brought you into a kind of overwhelm or that you needed some time to take a break from or leave early from, or maybe you felt deeply about something, maybe a comment or a situation, and somebody was thinking you were too sensitive and didn’t understand your depth of processing, or maybe someone didn’t really understand your need for down time.

that need to recharge and may have been pressurizing you to be more social. Or maybe at work there was some sensory overload it was a high pressure workplace or there were some just some situations that were not conducive to working, very noisy environment or even strong smells in the environment that that maybe bosses or co workers didn’t understand your need to have some space or have different accommodations.

Or maybe you’re trying to assert a boundary and and someone is just like just riding over top of that, just rejecting that and it doesn’t feel like you’re able to get respect for it. So these are kinds of the kinds of situations where You may not be understood or even respected exactly by non HSPs and this is what a situation that I want you to look for now, give me a real situation in your life where you felt like you were not understood as an HSP.

So take a second to find that.

And we’re looking for a specific moment, specific time. You remember where you were, you remember what was going on. For example, I remember when I first started closing my door to my home office, because I could hear the TV outside and it just drove me nuts. I can’t think where the TV Even the tiniest amount of TV noise going on in a distance and my partner was like what are you doing?

You know He was not very Understanding at the time

find a situation Specific situation someone was not so understanding of you.

Okay, you got it. If you don’t just pause and Take your time to find one that’s real that will make this work come alive when you do that. So we’re going to question the thought, I need them to understand me. Use your situation, whatever it was, whether, whatever it was, and look for this thought inside of you, some value of this thought that you need them to understand you.

And let’s question it using the work of Byron Katie.

So I need them to understand me. Is it true? You need them to understand you. Is it true? Just a yes or a no. And go with your honest feeling, or with your experience. Don’t fake it. Be real. Is it true you need them to understand you?

I’m gonna go with yes, when I’m thinking about that TV noise and leaving my door closed. How about you?

And if your answer was a yes, then let’s go to the question number two. Can you absolutely know it’s true that you need them to understand you? Are you sure?

And again, it’s a yes or no.

I’m going to stick with a yes. Feels like a need. I need my partner to understand me. for me to be okay? So whatever your answer is, just honor it.

And then question three, how do you react? What happens when you think or feel that you need them to understand you in your situation and they don’t?

What emotion comes up?

I feel alone.

I feel less than. I feel insecure. How do you feel when you think you need them to understand you? You’re trying to take care of yourself. And they’re making fun of you or calling you too sensitive. How do you react?

I notice a little bit of anger there too. Come on, this isn’t fair. I’m not asking you to do anything. I’m just saying this is what I’m going to do. Why can’t you get that?

So I’m impatient.

Notice the reactions in your body. Those are Valuable to see as well. When you think you need them to understand you, what happens in your body? I

notice tension in my stomach and my whole torso. It’s almost a cringing.

And then what happens in your mind?

I find myself becoming defensive. Come on, who can concentrate in a noisy environment?

I think I have a right to close my door, but it’s that there’s an anger about it. And I need you to understand that I need you to uphold that I need you to be on my side, and when they’re not,

I feel powerless.

What’s interesting about this thought, I need them to understand me, is how it gives my power to them. I need them to understand me. Need them to validate my need.

And when they don’t, I’m left hanging.

Another way that I react, and you may do this too, is I may go into hiding my need. I may minimize it, try to conform, stop taking care of myself because I’m thinking I need them to understand me, and the only way I can get that is by forgetting about myself. So

this also is a reaction.

So who would you be, this is question four of the work, who would you be Without the thought, in your situation, who would you be without the thought that you need them to understand you?

In my situation, I’m closing the door. My partner’s reopening it, and who would I be without the thought, I need him to understand me.

The first thing I notice about my situation, as particular to mine here, is that my partner loves to tease me. He’s a teaser, and it’s one of the ways he shows love. Without the thought, I need him to understand me, I’m seeing that playful gesture, which I tend to take seriously sometimes and get angry about.

But I see it. I see what he’s doing. How about your situation? What do you see? Somebody’s calling you too sensitive or somebody’s not paying attention to your needs or respecting your no. Who are you if you’re not thinking you need them to understand you?

For me, there’s a clarity. I know what I’m doing. That I need to close the door and block the TV noise, and I do it. And even if he opens the door and teases me a little, I can handle that. I just know that I’m going to keep closing the door because it’s a need. I’m taking care of myself.

So that’s a big difference for me. Without the thought, I need them to understand me. I’m not waiting for their approval. I’m taking care of myself directly. And it feels empowering.

So who would you be without the thought? You need them to understand you in your situation. What actions would you be taking? And what would the feeling be like?

It feels less threatening somehow to me.

I’m just aware of my needs. I’m aware of the misunderstanding. I explain it the best I can, and even if they don’t understand, I still take care of myself. I feel simpler.

So this shows you how the thought, I need them to understand me, can be a real hang up. I can get caught in that, because I’m needing them to somehow change, Or become clear or get it and they may never be able to do that or they may be unwilling to or I may never give them a chance by explaining it clearly.

I’m so focused on them that I get lost. But without the thought, I need them to understand me. It’s like the clarity comes in, the simplicity comes in. I just take action and I’m also able to be kind about it. There’s less anger inside of me because I haven’t given my power away.

So this is the power of believing a thought. I need them to understand me. Takes my power away.

So let’s try turning the thought around. A turnaround is an opposite, and it’s just another way of looking at the same idea from the opposite point of view. So could there be any truth in the turnaround that I don’t need them to understand me?

Is it necessary?

I’m already seeing how If I’m really clear, I can just keep on closing the door. I can laugh, I can play with the teasing, but I’m still going to be closing that door. It’s real simple. So I don’t need for my partner to understand me.

It feels freer. How could it be in your situation? You don’t need the other person to understand you. You may want them

to, They don’t actually need them to in order to be happy. You

know, there’s a kind of happiness that comes, something I don’t practice enough, but there’s a kind of happiness that comes from standing up for myself, for asking for what I want, for putting myself out there, for being vulnerable. It’s a happiness that comes with connecting something inside of myself with something outside of myself.

So I don’t need them to understand, I just need me to speak and act in alignment with myself. That’s all.

don’t need them to understand me. How could that turnaround be true?

Because in the end,

that person is not in charge of me. They’re not my boss. They’re not my parent. And even if they are my boss, I still choose whether I work there or not. In other words, I’m the higher authority for my life, not them,

so I don’t need them to understand me. It’s a nice thing. Ah, it’s nice to be understood. I like being understood, and I’m willing to go the distance to explain and share if the other person’s open. But if they just aren’t, then I don’t need it. My way is still clear. whether they’re with me or not.

And chances are the things that we HSPs need and want are not very imposing on others. We’re not demanding that person do something different. We’re just asking for some space, some time. So I really don’t need someone to understand it. in order to do that, in order to take care of myself. I just need to close the door.

So let’s play with another turnaround. I need them to understand me. One way to turn it around would be, I need me to understand me. And I think we’ve been pointing in this direction already. So let’s look at it more explicitly. How is it that you need you to understand you more than you need the other person to understand you?

How is it that I need me to understand me? Yeah, as I’m sitting with it, I’m just getting really clear as I hear that. I need me to understand me. What is that I need to understand? That my brain does not work when there’s a television noise going in a distance. I can pick out every word and it takes me out of what I’m trying to focus on.

I need me to understand that. I don’t need anyone else to understand it. I just need me to understand that. That’s a reality of the way my brain works. And as long as I’m clear, it’s very simple to take action, to close the door.

I need me to understand me.

How is it that you need you to understand you is more important than you need them to understand you.

When I understand myself, I can take care of myself. When I understand myself, I can relay that information to another person in a way that they may be able to understand as well. So the first thing. is me understanding myself. If there’s any element of me judging myself for being HSP, for me thinking there’s something wrong with me, for needing time or space to take care of myself, if there’s any of that self judgment going on, there’s no way I can share my experience and ask for space without like shame and or without anger or defense, and it’s very low chances that anyone else is going to understand as well.

They’re just going to see me as angry or shut down. So it’s essential for me to understand me, truly understand me, get that this is how I’m built. And when I really own that, I can tell anyone, Oh, yes, that’s just me. The way my brain works, I can’t even, I can’t even handle birds in the yard. Let alone TV.

It can laugh about it. When I really understand myself, I can laugh. I can poke fun at myself, and it’s not mean, because I’m sitting on a large amount of understanding.

So I become the leader of understanding, instead of dependent on the other person to understand me first. So there’s one more turnaround, and that is, instead of I need them to understand me, It would be, I need me to understand them. And this is a nice addition to these, to this perspective of turning things around.

I need me to understand them. How could that be as important for your peace as for them to understand you? Like for me, just seeing that my partner likes to tease, like that softens it so much for me. If you’re going out and you need some quiet time, that person who wants you not to leave may just want to be with you.

And so if I have understanding for that person, I, it softens their desire to impede my, my progress, my need to be alone. So I need me to understand them. They may love me. They may care for me. They may want to be with me. These are all understandable human things. When I see it, I stop seeing this mean person blocking my way, and I start seeing another human being with needs of their own reaching out to me.

And that softens it tremendously. In this episode, we looked at how to become independent of approval and disapproval from others. And we saw that It’s the thinking and our attachment to the thinking that makes us give over our power to other people. And when we question that thinking and start to look at, instead of needing them to understand me, Instead, seeing that I need to understand myself, and if I really do that, there’s a freedom that starts to come in.

We also looked at how to find understanding for yourself, even when your needs are different from others. And this, again, plays into the idea of finding understanding for myself, that I have unique needs, I have different needs, and other people may not be able to understand. It may be so foreign that it’s hard for them to even get it.

But if I can see the validity of those needs, then I can take care of myself. And finally, we looked at how to empower yourself, even if someone is trying to change you. And that’s the hardest time to do it, because it’s so easy to just let them do it. Be the benchmark, the touchstone, the one that we refer to but the way to empower yourself is to make yourself that same benchmark inside.

And when everything is in relation to that, then not only do you get clear, but it becomes easier to convey that clarity to others. So thanks for listening. It’s always a pleasure to do the work with you, to think about these things. And I look forward to next time. In the meantime, have a great rest of your day.