When You Feel Judged: Managing Insecurity and Self-Criticism as an HSP

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how easy it is to overreact to feeling judged, and how it’s just as easy to find a balanced, peaceful perspective.

Todd: Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

Todd: In this episode, you’ll discover the value of questioning a thought even if you already know it’s not true. You’ll also see the real reason why judgment and criticism hurt, and how alternative [00:01:00] explanations, even if just possibilities, can free your heart again. Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays.

Todd: You bring your questions and stressful situations. And I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Tatey. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did.

Client: It is kind of, uh, like a new situation for me, like in terms of doing the work, because the other ones are like, I know, or I think I know what I should do the work on and how I felt and all that kind of stuff.

Client: But on this one, it’s like my mind, like taking reality to a different place. So situation is this, I was with my vocal coach. And then, she was talking about [00:02:00] somebody else that she was like, giving lessons to. And then she made kind of like a comparison between that person and me. But then, she mentioned something like, like he’s taking it serious.

Client: Like she didn’t use those specific words. I don’t I don’t quite recall exact what the exact words are But she kind of like compared that and she was like, oh he’s taking it serious and you’re just taking it Just like yeah, just doing like one more thing, you know kind of like yeah, you’re like, yeah, you’re not taking it serious That’s the way I took it, but I know for sure she didn’t say that but in my mind It keeps going and going as if she said, Oh, you know what?

Client: You’re not taking it serious. He is, but you’re not. So that is the trigger, but the reality of it, the weird part is like, I know she didn’t say that or she didn’t mean it that way because it was, it was like in like the whole [00:03:00] conversation stuff, but still my mind just like caught that. Save their recorded or I don’t even know and it’s like it keeps spinning in my head

Todd: replay.

Todd: Yeah,

Client: replaying everywhere. So that is

Todd: okay. So it’s a great situation and it’s certainly something that can be worked. You know, the important thing when you’re looking for. Uh, something to work or the situation to work is to just look at your experience, you know, like there is the situation, what she did, what she was saying, and, and that is, that does play a factor in there, but the key primary thing that caused your experience is what, how, like how you saw it.

Todd: Regardless of whether it’s even true or not, you know, you don’t have to get caught up on whether it’s true or not It’s like you can do the work on a dream from when you’re sleeping And you know, it’s not true when you wake up. It’s [00:04:00] like, of course, it’s not true. But in that moment I was believing This or maybe there was something, you know, I was caught in the dream.

Client: Yeah

Todd: So anytime you’re caught in the dream just write down your thought whatever it is and then we can do the work So, I don’t know. What what would be your your some of your thoughts around that? that’s

Client: great to know because I thought because like my logical mind sees that that is not true at all, but then I felt something and I felt like the stress of that, those specific words that I rewired and put in my, in my head.

Client: And those are the ones that like triggered that moment. So

Todd: yeah, it doesn’t have to be true. Like your logical mind can be absolutely right that it’s not true at all, you know, but it doesn’t matter. The logical part of the mind is not the part that’s doing the work. It’s the part that’s like inside, deeper.

Todd: That’s like kind of getting caught on this in a stressful [00:05:00] way and what is that part of your mind thinking? What is how is it experiencing it? And even if it’s not 100 real and you know that from the intellectual point of view It’s real from the on the feeling level. So that’s where we go Just drop down into that feeling level and then report what you’re thinking and believing from that level

Client: That’s great, because that’s exactly the way I feel it.

Client: I know it’s not real, but then I feel that it’s real. Yeah,

Todd: that’s your clue. Yeah, that’s why I always say, trust your stress. You don’t, like, you, you don’t have to know anything else other than this stressed me. Like, okay, then some part of me is thinking that’s real. What is it thinking? So, okay, so what were you thinking in that situation when she compared you to this other student and, um, kind of said that he’s taking it serious?

Todd: Like, what was she, what was she doing? What was she thinking? What was she [00:06:00] saying to you?

Client: So, what I, like, the feeling I have is that I’m, like, mad at her because she’s thinking that I’m not taking it seriously.

Todd: Exactly.

Client: Yeah,

Todd: perfect. So there’s, there’s the statement right there. It could, it could be a whole judge your neighbor worksheet, right?

Todd: Um, you know, you can write, you can write what you’re wanting from her. In fact, let’s just do it. We’re on a roll here. So just, just quickly, what, what are you wanting from her in that situation?

Client: Like to, I want her to see that I’m taking it seriously. Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah, like I want her to not compare me to that other person

Client: I want her to just focus on me and not somebody else what it what we’re in our in my class not his[00:07:00]

Todd: Yeah So what should she do? Is there any shoulds any advice for her? This is line three of the judge your neighbor worksheet

Client: easy. She should stop talking about somebody else She should stop comparing me. She should focus on me 100 percent and she should see that I’m taking my classes seriously and I’m not messing around.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Okay. And so assuming that she thinks that you’re not taking it seriously, then what would you need her to do or see or, or change in some way that would allow you to feel completely at ease again, if she would do it after? She’s already not, let’s assume she’s already thought that you were not taking it serious.

Todd: What would you need her to do then? Okay. To feel good again,[00:08:00]

Client: like to apologize with me for comparing me. Okay, yeah, that would be one

Client: like to stop everything and think deeper before she says. Or she makes me feel that I’m not taking it seriously.

Todd: And that happens before, that would be advice for kind of before she did it. But let’s say she already did it, then what do you need for her to make it right? You did it.

Client: That would be like, if she did it already, then it would be like, noticing that I’m actually taking it seriously. Yeah, I love it.

Todd: So if she did that, would it bring you back to that feeling of [00:09:00] peace again?

Client: Right, that would be gone because then it’s like, okay, now she knows that I’m taking it seriously and she’s not guessing that I may not or implying that I’m not or anything like that. So.

Todd: Okay. So line five of the worksheet. Um, what do you need from her?

Todd: I’m sorry. What do you think of her in that situation? Make a list. Just one or two words each. She is. And just in that moment, when she thinks that you’re not taking it seriously, how do you see

Client: her? In that moment, I think she’s ignorant. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s not a good vocal coach because she can’t recognize it.

Todd: The key on this one is In the moment, like it, like you can, if you look at her and say, what do you think of her? You might have all kinds of things, but when you, in the moment, when you think that [00:10:00] she thinks you’re not taking it seriously, then that’s when the boom, all the energy comes out. I see it right

Client: there.

Client: She’s the worst person in the world in that moment, like totally.

Todd: I’m laughing, but yep, it’s uh, it’s exactly how the mind thinks. Okay, so what is the last number, uh, six, number six of the judge your neighbor worksheet is? What is it you don’t ever want to experience again with her or in a situation like that again?

Client: I don’t want to be like compared to with somebody else and be on that losing side.

Client: of somebody being above you. That’s kind of like, I don’t want to experience that. I don’t want to experience that somebody thinks that I’m not doing it seriously when I actually am.

Client: Yeah. Yeah.[00:11:00]

Todd: Yeah, that’s a good one. Yeah.

Todd: So, this is a collection of thoughts. You know, a judge your neighbor worksheet, which we’ve just done here, and I’ll send you a copy of what I wrote. These are, these are, like, it’s a collection of thoughts connected to this situation for you. Stressful thoughts. And any of them can be questioned. And so, let’s start with the very beginning, which is where the very first thought that you found.

Todd: Which is, she thinks that you’re not taking it seriously. So, is that true? And go to the moment when she was comparing you to that person and saying, you know, he’s taking it serious. So, is it true that she thinks you’re not taking it serious? Absolutely. Yes. Okay. And well, even though [00:12:00] you said absolutely, I’m still going to ask you a question too, which is, can you absolutely know it’s true that he’s, that, um, she thinks you’re not taking it serious.

Todd: Are you sure?

Client: Yes. In that moment. Yeah.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you believe this and think it that. She thinks you’re not taking it serious in that moment, and she’s comparing you to that other person.

Client: I feel bad, I feel isolated, I feel like I’m on that losing side of the comparison. Even though I know it’s not true, it still makes me feel like, it still makes me feel like I’m losing that. And then I don’t I feel like a disconnection right there, like I don’t, I don’t even want her [00:13:00] as my vocal coach anymore.

Client: It’s like, I think I’ve been like kind of like betrayed in a way, so I feel like, oh, if you couldn’t trust me and you don’t know if I’m taking it seriously, then there’s no point.

Client: And then I feel like, I feel like I just could just get up and leave right there in that moment and just forget about it. Don’t, don’t go there again.

Todd: Yeah. That would be a reaction. Yeah. I’m out of here.

Client: And I feel like George. to buy her

Client: and I feel like it’s like she doesn’t

Todd: really know me[00:14:00]

Client: and then I go back to like I can think how I go back to square one is like okay now I need another vocal coach.

Todd: So

Todd: how do you treat yourself when you think that she thinks that you’re not taking it serious?

Client: I definitely beat myself up for like being there in the first place because I chose to be there so it wasn’t like I had to or anything like that, so I can see how I beat myself up for the decision that I made before. So it’s like, oh, we’re here because you chose it, so it’s your fault.

Todd: Yeah,

Todd: and how do you treat her? I [00:15:00] guess you already said you kind of pull away ready to quit. Anything more to add to that?

Client: Yeah, I start looking at her and I don’t see her as a really good vocal coach. It’s like,

Client: like how like I had some admiration for her for what I’ve seen from her. And like the knowledge she had and then at that moment is like all that is gone and she’s like, Oh, she’s not really that good. I can see how I’m looking down on her because of what she, or what I thought she did.

Client: And then I just shut myself down. Like in my mind, when I’m with her, like I can see that happening right there. She could say something there, but now I’m like. I’m disconnected. Yeah. [00:16:00] Right.

Todd: So, these are all reactions, very clear, and they come from this thought, you know, she thinks I’m not taking it serious. And, and so as soon as that thought comes in, then all of these reactions start to happen. So who would you be without the thought? And you hear her doing the same exact thing. She starts talking about this other student, saying he’s taking it serious.

Todd: And just imagine for a moment, and you may have to be creative to even imagine it, but imagine for a moment that she starts talking about this other student, taking it so serious. And you don’t have any thought in your mind that she thinks you’re not taking it serious. Who would you be listening to her?[00:17:00]

Client: I actually feel good for him. In fact, I know him. So, I, I know he does take it seriously. Like, 1000%.

Client: Yeah. I can really understand what she’s talking about. Because he’s really putting in the time, the effort, and all into it. So I can’t really see that he’s taking it seriously. Like, I’m not comparing him with me anymore. I’m just staying with that part. She’s talking about him. So I even start to think and imagine [00:18:00] what else he’s doing to take it seriously that I’m not seeing.

Client: He’s probably practicing a lot more and doing a lot more classes and stuff like that, so,

Client: yeah.

Client: If I look at it that way, it’s almost like I’m not even in the picture.

Todd: Yeah.

Todd: And what do you see when you look at her without that thought? She thinks you’re not taking it seriously, and she’s talking about him.

Client: He’s talking about [00:19:00] someone who’s actually

Client: doing a lot.

Client: But I’m not seeing her as trying to compare anyone. Maybe she could even be trying to motivate me to do more. Who knows? Or to show me another side of what other people do,

Client: and I don’t see any bad intentions behind it at all. She just shared something. It was just like a quick thought, too. It was not even, like, the whole class was not concentrated in talking about him or anything. It was just like a brief moment.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Or it felt like the whole class was talking about him.

Todd: Right. It was a, was it a one on one session with

Client: her? It was a one on one.

Todd: Yeah. Mm hmm. [00:20:00] Yeah. Yeah. It felt like the whole session was about him or something. Right.

Client: It felt, it was right almost at the beginning and stuff like that when we were warming up. So, but I noticed how before with the thought, it was like the whole session was just about that.

Client: But then looking at her like without the thought, I can see it was just. Like a brief moment to break the ice and that’s it. We just kept going with the class. So that’s interesting

Todd: So it just shows you how this thought colors your experience, right? Because we saw with the thought there’s so many Reactions and so much pulling back and I don’t even want to work with her and I don’t want to be on the losing Side, I mean, it’s just a whole lot of things happen there.

Todd: Um But without the thought, uh, it’s a very different view. Like you’re just seeing how much he is working and how she [00:21:00] might be saying that to inspire you, like it’s a very different experience. Yeah. So that’s the power of a thought. When you, when you hold it in your mind, even unconsciously, it colors everything you see.

Todd: And that’s what we’re looking at.

Todd: So how would you turn that thought around? She thinks I’m not taking it seriously. She thinks I am taking it seriously. Okay. How’s it possible? Even when she’s talking about him taking it seriously.

Client: Well, because she sees that in every class. I go like with all the homework and all the stuff that I supposed to be doing during the week, I do it and she can tell right away that I’ve done it. So,

Client: yeah. And because she could be thinking [00:22:00] it, not saying it. at this specific moment, but she could be thinking that I’m taking it seriously. So it’s just not, she’s not saying it out loud, but it doesn’t mean that she’s not thinking about it.

Todd: Right. I mean, you can’t read her mind, I assume. So you never know what she’s really thinking there.

Todd: Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. And play more with that idea of what What might be her motivations for talking about him, uh, during that session, him taking it seriously? Any alternative explanation of why she did that besides trying to tell you that you’re not taking it seriously?

Client: I was even thinking about that, just came up, like, perhaps she’s surprised too about everything that he’s doing.

Client: And she just wanted to share that. So that’s very possible [00:23:00] too.

Todd: That makes sense. Yeah. Makes a lot of sense. It’s just reminding me when you say that of, uh, I had a French teacher for about a year and he talked about one student and I never met this student, but it was like, He was like a goddess or something, you know, like she was like going so, so well with her studies.

Todd: And I, I kind of felt similar to you, like, Oh, I’m on the losing side. But now that you mentioned it, I kind of think that, I think he was just really happy to have someone that Yeah. Focused and dedicated, like, yeah, she could probably, she’d probably be a translator or something crazy. Right?

Client: Yeah. Because for, I can’t put myself into like a teacher kind of position where if you have like a very dedicated student, it’s always like the gold, it’s gold for you.

Client: Like as a teacher. [00:24:00]

Todd: That’s what you wait for. Yeah. So who knows? I mean, this is, these are possibilities. We don’t know why she said this, but one alternative possibility is that she was just so excited about that other student’s progress, she just couldn’t stop, you know, she couldn’t not say something.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So she thinks, I am taking it seriously. Any other evidence? That she might think that way, that you are taking it seriously, when she, you know, even when she did that, or when she looks at you.

Client: Well, she’s mentioned before [00:25:00] that I’ve improved a lot in a short period of time, compared to other students too, that she needs to go through the same stuff over and over again for several weeks and stuff. You mentioned that before.

Todd: A lot of time it came out on the winning side.

Todd: It’s so funny how the mind just keeps comparing. Right. But, but yeah, she’s saying this person is really serious. You’re like pretty serious and other people are not serious. And. Yeah, so that’s something. It’s been more than a lot of other people.

Client: Yeah,

Client: that’s interesting. Makes me feel like when you’re in sports and you get to second place and then some people say you’re the first loser because you didn’t get there, but you don’t look behind on how many people is actually after [00:26:00] you. Wow.

Todd: There’s a ton. Exactly. That means you’re almost like you’re right up at the top and and first place changes sometimes and sometimes doesn’t but you’re up in the what is it like 0.

Todd: 1 percent or something like that or even one percent.

Todd: So what’s another turnaround? She thinks I’m not Uh, taking it seriously.

Todd: I think I’m not taking it seriously. Okay, in that moment when you heard her talking about him, did anything like that flash in your mind that You think you’re not taking it seriously.

Client: Oh, of course. Yeah, I start thinking like, Oh, I slept 10 minutes more. I could have used that to practice or get better. So [00:27:00] I’m not taking it seriously then.

Todd: So you bought into her story, or was that your story?

Client: Yeah. And I keep, like, my mind, I can see how my mind keeps looking for those moments. Where I could practice for those 5, 10 minutes more, and they will add up, and instead of doing that, I, I don’t know, rested, or did nothing, or whatever. So, it makes me feel, oh, you’re not taking it seriously, because you didn’t use 100 percent of your free time into it.

Client: Ah, that’s what it is. That’s it. Yeah.

Todd: That’s what you’re doing, or your mind is doing, to you. And then you imagine that’s what she’s also doing, but we don’t know for sure. What she is doing. All right. And we do know for sure what you’re doing. [00:28:00]

Client: Of course, because I’m all or nothing. It’s 100 percent or 0%. So I’m in the other corner.

Todd: Yeah. You’re either the most, the person taking it the most seriously in the world, or you’re completely not taking it seriously at

Client: all. Exactly.

Client: I moved to like from second place or whatever it was to even after last one.

Todd: That’s right. You’re just out of the competition, disqualified.

Todd: Wow. Yeah. So I think I’m not taking it seriously. When she’s talking about him, right, that’s what we’re talking about. When she’s talking about him, you start judging you as not taking it seriously. You don’t even know how seriously that person is taking it. Well, you kind of do, because you know. But the important thing is you start judging yourself.

Client: Right. [00:29:00] Because I start putting myself like my mind goes to try to figure out all the different things that he’s doing that I’m not doing.

Client: So that I’m on the losing side again comparing myself to him. Oh, he’s, he’s not probably not sleeping. He’s practicing all day long and all night long or something. Exactly. Yeah.

Todd: So this is an important turnaround because it shows what’s causing the stress here is, is, How you’re seeing yourself as, you know, it’s kind of how you’re judging yourself, not taking it seriously.

Todd: And then you being the loser and you should be trying harder and that is super stressful.

Client: Definitely feel.

Todd: Meanwhile. Yeah. And then meanwhile, your teacher is just. [00:30:00] Just said one thing, and you don’t know for sure what she’s even thinking.

Client: Oh my god, that’s crazy. Yeah,

Todd: so one last turnaround. I don’t know if it’ll have any meaning or not, but um, try turning around to the other, to the set of she thinks I’m not taking it seriously. How would you turn it around that way?

Todd: Um, I think she’s not taking it seriously. That would be a turnaround. So can you make any sense of it? Does it make any sense? I don’t know. Huh,

Client: of course in that moment. And if I look at it from that perspective, I think, Oh, she’s not taking me seriously either because she’s already comparing me to someone who’s doing a lot better.

Client: So she’s not taking me seriously at that moment. She’s just like riding along or something.

Todd: Yeah. So that [00:31:00] just shows that there’s some judgment on your side as well. Not just. Whatever she might or might not be judging towards you. There’s some judgment about her not taking you seriously. And then you start thinking, I don’t want to work with her anymore.

Todd: So that’s also a part of it.

Todd: So the work always brings me back to my business. You know, what she says or does is her business. A lot of times we don’t even know what that is, but it’s not our business anyway. Cause we can’t control it. But what I think and do that is my business and that is what affects me the most and the best news is that’s what I actually can control, uh, maybe not always, but a lot of, I have a lot more control, what I believe, what I think, what I see and, and just [00:32:00] noticing that here, um, changes the experience instead of It’s like, oh wait, I was thinking I wasn’t taking it seriously, and I’m thinking she’s not taking it seriously.

Todd: And so it’s like, that’s my part. That’s why it’s stressful for me. Because she might say that same thing to some other student, let’s just say, but if they didn’t have the same internal thoughts happening, like, oh, she thinks I’m not taking it seriously, there wouldn’t be the same kind of reaction.

Client: Yeah. Thank you. That was really cool.

Todd: Very cool. Thank you for that situation. And I’ll send you the whole Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. Um, you know, it may be you just turn it around and it kind of loosens itself up, or it may be that, uh, that there’s, um, more that you want to work on it. [00:33:00] But yeah, thanks for your work.

Todd: Thank you. In this episode, we looked at the value of questioning a thought, even if you already know that it’s not true. And that’s because just understanding it intellectually, Just seeing it from that point of view is not enough to actually affect your experience on the inside. And so, the whole reason for doing the work is to allow that stuck place inside to discover a new way of seeing things.

Todd: And so, yes, you may already know it’s not true from the grandest perspective. But the part inside of you that’s hurting or is feeling stressed does not see that. And so that’s why we have to slow down and take it at the pace of the slowest member of ourselves. We also looked at the real reason why judgment and criticism hurt.

Todd: And we saw that it’s because we’re [00:34:00] already judging ourselves, we’re already criticizing ourselves. And, um, so then when something comes from the outside, it plays into what’s already happening on the inside. And we can also add another area there is that when we value or believe that other people’s opinions are more important than our own, which is very easy to do when you’re with a teacher, uh, then it’s easy to take that criticism and judgment and go deep inside with it.

Todd: The solution, as we saw, is simply to explore that and turn that around and come back to our own experience, because that is a much, uh, more balanced perspective. We also looked at how alternative explanations, even if they’re just possibilities, can set your heart free again. And just seeing that, oh, maybe that’s not what they were [00:35:00] trying to do.

Todd: Maybe they had something else going on. Uh, that can just Loosen this feeling like, oh my gosh, they’re really judging and being harsh to me, when it may not have been the case at all. So thanks for listening, and I look forward to next time, and in the meantime, have a great rest of your day.

Todd: Dreaming of a stress free, balanced life? Visit TrueInnerFreedom. com and complete the HSP Stress Survey. Gain clarity on your stress triggers. And enjoy a free 15 minute inner freedom call designed to guide you towards lasting inner peace and fulfillment.