Why HSPs Should Welcome Embarrassment in Inner Work—It Often Means a Breakthrough Is Near

 I just wanna share with you a great way to do a lot of the work of Byron Katie in a really short period of time with a lot of support and without costing a lot of money. For about $300 you can spend the whole weekend on in a virtual retreat with up to 16 two hour sessions that you can choose from, where you will be part of a group and you will also be partnered up with others in the group.

To do a lot of inquiry and you can bring your questions. We will work on identifying stressful thoughts together, and we’ll spend a lot of time in partners actually questioning the thoughts that are running for you. This particular format has been working for many years and I invite you to try it out.

It’s called Virtual Retreat and you can get there at the work as meditation.com. I’d love to have you be a part of the weekends that happen every season. So summer, fall, winter, spring, they’re always here and I would love to have you join us where I did the work on something and I could feel running in me while I was doing the work with her just as. Shadow of I want, it’s like I want Katie to see. Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. Dress can be found anywhere, including in doing the work itself.

And in this particular session, we will be doing the work on a situation that happened while someone was doing the work. I love those kinds of interesting exploration. Like this one, I call it wiggle room because inside of all of us, at every point in any moment, there’s always some room, there’s always some degree of freedom inside, and we tend to forget about it.

We focus on what’s outside, what we can’t change, and meanwhile, internally, there’s all kinds of. Room, and that’s what this podcast is about, wiggle room. The process we use for finding that wiggle room is called the work of Byron Katie, which is a way to identify what’s stressing you in the outside world, and then play with it.

Work with it. Find out that is actually not an impedance to experiencing that inner freedom that is always there. I’m Todd Smith. And on the program today, we will start with a an inquiry a We’re gonna go through the process of doing the work of Byron Katie with a participant, and her topic is about how to overcome the embarrassment.

Exposing the ego during inner work. And in this particular case, she was working with Byron Katie on a call in front of other people, and she’s sharing her petty thoughts about a friend, and she is, she’s exposed, that ego is being seen and there’s some embarrassment there, a little bit of shame. And so we do some work on that experience and I think you’ll find it very interesting.

Then we’ll also be reading a. An article called Humility in Doing the work of Byron Katie. So let’s dive into this work, the work of Byron Katie together. It is such a simple, yet powerful way to question anything and find your freedom, find your peace, find your easiness again, no matter what the situation is, and to learn a lot about yourself in the process.

So here’s our latest weekly open session, and as always, I share the unedited recording so that you can experience this work just as we did when we were together.

So it’s so meta. I was, I like to work, do the work on this session I just had with Fire and Katie where I did the work on something and. I could feel running in me while I was doing the work with her. Just this shadow of I want, it’s like I want Katie to see I don’t know if it’s, I want Katie to think of me as enlightened, but it’s I want her to see that.

I know it’s not me. Like I, I want her to see that this isn’t me. I don’t want Katie to think I’m petty. I don’t want her to think I. I’m so unaware. It’s like I care about, I just don’t like being, and there’s even a bit of a flavor of I don’t like being like everybody else, maybe. I’m judging that other people don’t know the difference, and I do.

So I wanna be, share my story, but also know that it’s not I want her to know that it’s. I’m above that. That’s the kind of flavor of, yeah. Of what’s going on that affects, how I show up with her, but also affects how I do the work. And the second I feel a little bit challenged by a facilitator, I could start going into that kind of wanting to be.

I want people to know that I get it. That kind of thing. Yeah. A little defensive. Yes. Feeling and protective of Yes. Yeah. But I am still a good person. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, great. I took a few notes as you were just speaking there, and I’ll read ’em back to you and tell me if any of those resonate or being a statement that you’d like to question.

I don’t wanna be the one who’s so petty. I want Katie to see that. I know it’s not me. I don’t want her to think I’m petty. I don’t want her to think I’m so unaware. I don’t like being everyone else, and I want her to know that I’m above that. Let’s go with, I want her to know that I’m above. Above that, like above my ego, is that like above That would make it really clear. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So put yourself back in that session that you just did and she’s facilitating you, you’re doing the work, and so you want her to know that you’re above your ego above this. Is it true?

No, I don’t know. That’s what I want. So how do you react? What happens when you think or feel on some level that you want her to know that you’re above your ego and what it’s written and what you’re questioning? How do you react? It’s like I’m having two conversations. One, one part is like doing the work on the worksheet.

And then the other part is like trying to save some dignity, pride which doesn’t feel good. It feels a little bit tight in my body. I feel very exposed, like everybody’s seeing this. So I’m in Katie’s business and I’m also in. Everyone on the calls business, like they’re gonna see me, they’re just gonna think I’m average.

It shows up my judgements, of other people that I can imagine what they’re looking at me. But I’m in their business. I’m in her business. I feel stiff, I feel tense and I wanna drop in, but I also. Try. I also wanna rush in. I also wanna push the insights so that I have the insights, and then I also look at how she reacts to the insights, and if she says anything that sounds like a that’s great or whatever, I like, oh, like I want the positive. I wanna hear something about me being special in her response to me. So I. So I listen to her, but I’m listening for something instead of just fully listening to her and listen and letting it really drop in.

Like I just I’m, I am divided, and so it feels more like a rehearsal or a practice or maybe I can do it better another time and it feel tight. Yeah. How do you treat your ego when you think this thought? Do you want her to know that you’re above it?

Yeah, like as shameful, immature, juvenile it’s I’ll say the words, but I won’t really, that’s not really so petty, the worksheet that I’m sharing. And yeah, that is petty. Like I think of the worksheet as really bad. It’s a, I’m talking about a friend. It’s like a bad friend.

This ego that treating someone, treating a friend like that, either like a bad friend. And so I, which kind of means I’m a bad friend, which is another thing. I don’t want people to think I’m really that mean of a. Bad friend frenemy. I treat the ego like it really is at fault and unkind and not, yeah.

And how does it affect how you actually do the work? How you answer the questions, how you find turnarounds and examples. Does this thought, I want her to know that I’m above my ego. Affect that in any way.

Yes, because it doesn’t let me fully be petty, doesn’t let me fully like voice that. ’cause I have to keep that little bit of distance that it’s not me. So for me, when I do the work at the best is when I’m really am that wounded person and how do I react is really, it’s helpful for me to be that person.

I. What I couldn’t be like even when I answered, I was like, which I do sometimes when I’m trying to share my pettiness, but not really be that petty. Yeah. So it affects talking about it. Yeah. Instead of it and expressing it from there. Yes. Yeah,

yeah. It’s interesting and I was hearing you say about the insights like. Let’s get to the insights quickly, kind of thing, right? Yes. And the right insights too. I was like, is this a good one? So I’m really looking for the, I’m looking for the insights in my thinking and they’re not floating up as naturally.

I’m trying to manufacture them. Yeah. A little bit more. Yeah. So this is how you react. When this is also running, while you’re doing the work, there’s, do you want her to know that you’re above your ego? Yeah. Then like less in touch with the actual process of doing the work. Like you’re almost manufacturing some stuff that people might say, oh, that look like the work, but it doesn’t feel like the work as a hundred percent of it could be without the thought.

Yeah. Yeah. And like I’m judging my friend. And in the how do you react? It’s like I’m still trying to push that part of me down that is judging my friend unkindly. Yeah. Like it’s okay, yeah, there she is. But Ernest still pushing her down instead of being like, yeah. Stupid friend. Yeah.

Which you’re trying to get rid of that part of you in a way. Yeah. Instead of letting it be heard and let it do it work. Yes. Yeah. Do you notice any experience in your body when you’re doing all this?

Just a general feeling of tightness, and fear, like a little bit of fear that she’ll be like, one time she said, drop it. Really drop in. And I’m like afraid that she can see I’m not dropping in and enough good. I’ve got an ego and I’m not dropping in. I’m like,

so like the, it’s the tension in my body and the shell and the, that Sr of what’s gonna happen? It’s not gonna feel good.

Okay. So imagine yourself in that same situation, doing the work with me and you didn’t have. Any thought or belief or even a feeling that you want her to know that you’re above your ego in this petty worksheet that you wrote, would you be going through the same process without this piece?

It would feel more honest and I would feel more connected to her, connected to the fact that we are actually working together and

it would be. Relaxing if I wasn’t carrying the business of everybody else. And the appearance of Katie or how it looked even, so without any of that business of everybody else, it’s very relaxing And, it’s, feels like it could be more comforting also to say what I’m really, say it from me, those feelings.

And it just makes Katie into just a person I’m talking to instead of this elevated think you’re, and that’s when I was at the school. It felt so great to be around her, just like a real person. And I lose that without, with the thought I was so without the thought. It’s just she’s just a nice, like I really like her and it’s good to talk to her and hear her wisdom. Like I hear her take and, it’s just much, much more relaxing to just show that part of myself

and even, yeah. It’s kinda yeah, that is me. Okay. It is me. Okay, I don’t have to hide it anymore. That is me. Yeah. Owning there is that petty part of me too. Yeah. Yeah. And then what’s it like to go through the process of answering the four questions and finding turnarounds and examples without any thought that you wanted to know that you’re above your ego and it’s pettiness?

I dunno, I’m it’s the time pressure can be gone. Like we went through the whole worksheet, all six or questions or whatever. And if I am doing the work without it if I hit a roadblock, I can actually, like if Katie would be a great person to just say, I am having trouble. I still feel this or that, so I don’t, so I don’t have to rush through it and even, I just even see that I can just show people that sometimes it’s hard to do the work also.

Yeah. That’s okay if I’m not, she always says, you can’t do it wrong if I’m not feeling it. It’s okay to not feel it. And she might say something really helpful that either would help me feel it or that would close the call with me and she’d say, here, you might wanna try this or this, so I would, I’d be able to, without the thought, I could just really see what happened with the turnarounds.

See where I’m stuck, where there might be some beliefs that I don’t. I haven’t totally seen them all.

Cool. So how would you turn the thought around? I want her to know that I’m above my ego. The pettiness of the worksheet. I’m above all that is. Who would you, no, sorry. Turn the thought around. You want her to know that you’re mother. I want her to know that I’m not above that. I’m not above it. And the first thing that comes to mind is that I definitely have judged people for what I think is not dropping in, not being, not really owning their feelings.

Like in fact the, yeah, I do that. So I don’t want her to think, I think I’m like, to think I’m above it, like

to not. I feel so much more connected when people are really. Like feeling that vulnerable part of themselves. And I, I’ve seen her be so sweet to people when they are really suffering. And so I don’t was it, I want her to see I’m not above, yeah. I don’t want her to, I don’t want her to know that I’m above my ego.

Yeah. So I don’t want her to. See that there’s no benefit to me of her seeing that she’s not. It’s in my mind it’s oh, she’ll just pick me outta the crowd and then we’ll go off into the sunset or something like that. I don’t want her, it doesn’t benefit me to have her see me like that. It’s really, there’s no benefit to me.

It’s not my life. It’s over with her. And yeah, I don’t want her to. What am I even doing here? Wasting everybody’s time if I’m already cured kind of thing.

I’m here to show off how great I mastered this little area.

Yeah. Yeah. It doesn’t really help much, right? Yeah. It doesn’t really accomplish too much. Yeah.

Okay. So I don’t want her to know that I’m above my ego. What’s good about being in your ego?

Yeah, it’s just feels more real and that’s where I’m stuck anyways, so if I’m in it, there’s more of a chance I can get. I can get unstuck from it. Yeah. That’s what I love about egos. They’re real and if I’m pretending I’m above it, there’s not much chance to do much with it. That’s the doorway home.

But yeah. It requires going there, owning it, right? Yes.

Humility. Yeah. So I don’t want her to know that I’m above my ego. Are you above your ego in reality in that situation, the pettiness that you wrote?

So would you want her to know something that isn’t true? To know a lie about you. Oh, I’m above my ego. No. And if she thought, oh, Sarah’s so great, but I knew, like I knew that I really was petty like that, then that would be something I would have to hide going forward. Exactly. Pound the problem.

Make your life more complicated. You might end up having to tell her anyway. Like it’s just to make everything even, or like how. Get over it. Know, and then you put the pressure on yourself. Exactly. I’m gonna really get over it now ’cause I’ve already lied that I’m over it, so I better catch up.

Exactly. Yeah. So the, I love the simplicity of, I don’t want her to know that I’m above my ego. Just this is what my ego wrote, then I’m here. Ready to do the work.

Okay. Is there any other turnaround? I wanted to know that I’m above my ego. I want me to know I’m above my ego. And for me that’s just it’s safe to be my ego. It’s not. It’s not just me or I’m still lovable, even if I am petty I really feel like if people knew what I was really like that they wouldn’t like me.

And, and so I want me to be above my ego is like, how can I be that and show that?

And maybe it’s by knowing there’s something whether above, I don’t know if above is that word, that’s the concept for me is I want me to know that there’s more to me than my ego. So okay. To have that be part of me. Yeah. It’s understood that there I do have a petty.

Complaint and part of me that it’s really stuck on something petty and it’s not the whole of me. And that’s also true. Yeah. Yeah. And I just had this sort of almost I want me to know I’m above my ego. It’s almost like I want my ego to be like, Hey, you don’t try and get away with this they’re trying to walk away from me. No, this isn’t better yet. Or it’s I want, almost catch myself when I’m trying to do that. Exactly. Yeah. It’s like unfinished business there. Yeah. And the mind is trying to say I’m really not, that’s really not a problem. I’m really over that.

I’m really not an issue. But that’s perpetuating the problem. The little crying baby is still crying there. Yeah. And in a way, if anything is the ego, it’s that part that’s saying, no, there’s not a problem. It is ironically maybe it’s all ego, but there’s an ego. There’s an ego that’s petty with friends, for example.

And then there’s the ego. There’s an ego that’s saying, I don’t have a problem. Yes. And yeah. It’s just nice to allow whatever actual ego is there, to be seen, heard, questioned, variant, and transformed.

Yeah. You can’t transform something when it’s, when you’re just talking about it. Like when you’re not it, you can’t. You’ve got theory, but then there’s a cry. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead. Sorry. No just a, I am just seeing how many times. That I think I’m above it or even coming with my worksheet, like I mostly went to the Zoom to see what other people would say, but I was like, oh, I’ll put mine in them too while they’re asking.

But I wasn’t actually really ready to do the work and so I didn’t if I had known I was above my ego in that moment or like splitting I might have taken a breath and. Not done the worksheet. Like I think there’s a lot of times in my day that I think I’m above my ego. I’m just going through life.

I’m aware I’m awake, I’m in touch, and I want me to know, I’m not like to be more aware of when I’m not. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, because to do the work, I have to be open. Open means a certain willingness to be vulnerable and to that might go be Dean and to let it be questioned and all of that. And so sometimes I’m more open, sometimes I’m not. And force it

that I want me to know? That I’m above my ego. Yeah. When I am,

or when I’m trying to be above my ego. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I want me to know that I actually am above my ego. My ego isn’t all of me either. Humility to do this work. And humility looks like knowing or admitting that I have an ego.

Cool. Any other turnarounds? I don’t know if there are any, but I just ask. I wanted to know them about my ego. I could I could try on, I want me to know Katie can you read me my original again? I want her to know that I’m above my ego, so I want me to know that she’s above her ego or my ego.

Okay. Does that make any sense? In any way? The main thing is that she just there doing the work, like I feel very. She was like, wow. I don’t think she would say Sarah’s so petty. Cross her off the list. I want me to know. Yeah. Al Yeah. I want me to know that again, when I was there in person, I never really, I mostly never really worried about her opinion of me.

’cause I was just trusting she’s there, not there to judge people. To judge people. She’s there to work with people. So I want me to know that if I’m trying to get her approval, I’m not in the right place. That’s not, she, I want me to know if she’s above her ego. It seems my experience is so that it’s a, it’s the wrong place to be looking for approval or fearing judgment.

Both. You came wanting to do the work. He loves to do the work. The work is about letting the ego be seen, but not judging it at the same time, and then allowing it to work through its own stuff. And yeah. I want me to know that she’s above that kind of judgment about egos. At least in that situation.

That gives it safety. Okay. I’m here. To do the work and she’s on board with that. And so I can be vulnerable and get what I came for because it’s not a threatening situation picked up for what I think it might be which is my story. And even it’s like a reminder to the part of me that like wants to be chosen also.

There’s the judgment side and then there’s the part that wants to be chosen. I want me to know that’s not gonna happen. Or that’s not I’m not here for that. But also, even if I was pretty unlikely to happen, I want me to know that don’t go for something you can’t get there or any, you’re gonna be special.

Yeah. That’s, you’re not gonna be judged, but you’re also not gonna be made special. You’re just, it’s just here to. Work with what is and go through some inner work and it’s not about either one of those things. Yeah. Shaming or putting up on and honoring in some way. Yeah. Both of which the ego loves and hates and Yeah.

Yeah. The kids are really simple. Now it’s just you doing some internal work with a good facilitator and it doesn’t really, it’s not about status anymore. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Good. Cool. I just also wanted to tell you, Todd, your last week you talked about self-trust of the ego building self, building trust with yourself, and it was just, it’s been so helpful. I’ve referred to it so many times. I really appreciate it. I’ve told a bunch of people about it too, and they like, oh wow, it’s really good.

Awesome. Awesome.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com and go to the open sessions page and you can see the schedule there. You can join us, bring your question and participate, do the work. It’s a great forum for that. And while you’re there, check out Inquiry Circle, which is my community for doing the work.

If you wanna make this work kind of a spiritual practice for yourself, an ongoing way of dealing with stress and finding freedom and being more and more yourself, then this group has been in existence now for 11 years, and it’s a great. Support for doing this practice on a regular basis. So you’ll find that at the work as meditation.com.

Next, I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles called Humility in Doing the work of Byron Katie. Humility is beautiful because it keeps things real. Humility lies at the core of the work without humility, the work. It doesn’t touch the soul. Without humility, the work is powerless. It’s only when I do the work with humility that it transforms my life.

What is humility? Humility When doing the work of Byron Katie, it being open to being wrong. If you’re not open to being wrong, how can you be objective in your inquiry? Of course, just because you do inquiry doesn’t mean that you are wrong. But to do inquiry fairly, you have to be at least be open to that possibility.

The first question, is it true? Is a direct challenge to any established belief? It is asking, could I be wrong? Is there something else going on here? If I’m close to this question, I missed the opportunity to find the real truth, the truth that could set me free Defense and justification are just the opposite of humility.

Humility and openness. Defense is closed. Defense is a stance that says I am right and I’m willing to defend my position. Defense shows up in doing the work in many places by not being willing to do the work in the first place on an area where I want to stay. By answering the questions with a yeah, but or some kind of justification.

By explaining why I am right by diversion tactic and by blaming the work stops working. The moment I step into justification and defense, I’ve lost humility and openness. And the worst, the work also stops working. The moment I step into self attack. Self attack is an opposite of humility too. This sounds strange at first.

Wouldn’t self-attack be a kind of humility? After all, I’m putting myself down like self-deprecation, but when you look closely, it’s easy to see that self-attack is the very opposite of humility. Real humility would be taking in the truth and letting it kill me quietly, but instead. Self attack, make the show of remorse and then self-flagellation in the hopes of somehow preventing the truth from getting close enough to really kill the ego.

It’s a fake, a poor substitute for humility. The ego stays intact and there’s no humility and self attack. Peace comes from owning the truth. The four questions and the turnarounds are helpful in finding the truth, but it’s always up to me whether I own it or not, whether I take it in or not. The more I’m able to own my port part, the more I am able to own the very truths that I’m trying to avoid without beating myself up.

The more peace can get a ahold of me, and when it does, there’s no going back. Ego dies in that way and so does the suffering. It takes courage to be humble. It takes courage to even allow yourself to write a judge your neighbor worksheet on something that it’s stressful. Allow yourself to be petty for that part to be exposed, but you’ll know but because you’ll be questioning everything and only the truth will survive the intense light of inquiry.

So it’s scary and it does take courage. If your interest is freedom and peace, then this is exciting because humility brings the end of pretense and the beginning of genuine peace of mind. And we’ll end with a quote from Byron Katie’s book, A Thousand Names for Joy. Humility is what happens when you’re caught and exposed to yourself and you realize that you’re no you’re no one.

You’ve been trying to be someone. You just die and die into the truth of that you die into what you have done and who you have been, and it’s a very sweet thing. There’s no guilt or shame in it. You become totally vulnerable like a little child. Defense and justification keep falling away, and you die into the brilliance of what is real.

So thanks for listening and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, post something on social media, or leave a review and stop by the work as meditation.com to get my newsletter or participate in no session like the one you heard here today. And there are a lot of programs there, including the Inquiry Circle program, the Work one-on-one, virtual retreat, private session.

Much more that can allow you to dive deeply into this practice as a way of discovering yourself, learning more about yourself and coming to a greater peak with yourself, with the world around you. So thanks for listening, and until next time, have a great week.