Why Saying No in Relationships as a Highly Sensitive Person Will Bring You Closer

 By the end of this episode, you’ll discover why saying no will actually improve your relationships.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People. A podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie. A way to question and reduce stressful thoughts, and you guessed it. I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover why always saying yes makes relationships feel shallow and stressful, how carving out time for your own joy and solitude can deepen connection instead of creating distance. A simple but powerful inner work practice to quiet the guilt and strengthen your self trust. This is an addition of Breakthrough Mondays, where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the path towards inner freedom.

In this episode, you’ll discover why always saying yes makes relationships feel shallow and stressful. How carving out time for your own joy and solitude can deepen connection instead of creating distance and a simple but powerful inner work practice to quiet the guilt and strengthen your self trust.

This is an addition of Breakthrough Mondays, where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the path towards inner freedom. In my relationship with my partner, I used to always go along with whatever he wanted, and I used to just merge and flow with him in seemingly a, an effortless way.

But what I noticed was that I felt like I was missing somehow. I felt like I was not. In the relationship a hundred percent, even though I was there giving like 110% on the outside. So this began to shift some years ago, and it began with, interestingly enough, an interest in doing some kind of a hobby.

And I thought, what kind of hobby would I like to do? And I thought, and one of the things that I love doing is learning. Learning is like a hobby for me, and one of the things I love learning is languages. So I thought I would like to start studying French. This was about seven years ago, and I looked at my schedule and I looked at the way our lives flow together.

It was like every single minute of it was scheduled up with stuff to do together or purposeful for the relationship. And I thought, oh my God, how am I going to even consider following some little interest of mine to study French, to do a hobby for myself? It wasn’t easy. It actually took me a while to think about it and to come up with a doable plan.

It actually took some courage and in the beginning I was almost secretive about it. It’s funny to look back on it now, but that’s exactly the feeling. And so what I used to do was after meditation, we’d rest for a while and I was like, this is my 15 minutes and I would take time. To listen to some French on on my phone on like earbuds.

And this began as just this tiny little step of like almost I want, I don’t wanna say rebellion ’cause it wasn’t rebellion, it was listening. I was listening to something coming up from inside of myself that I wanted to follow, like something I wanted to pursue. Had nothing to do with my partner or us or anything like that.

And I gave it a little time, just a tiny amount of time, and it began to bloom. It began to sprout, it began to become something that I looked forward to and I could see my progress. And it was just so lined up with what was exciting for me. And so this morphed over time into more overt carving out of time for that.

Saying no to some other things that would have interfered with it, actually getting a tutor at some point. And now years later, I actually speak French fluently, which is brings me joy and I still continue to learn it and it’s something fun for me. Now my partner actually respects my interest in language and encourages me, and and he sees the value of it.

He sees how it lights me up, and strangely enough, it’s brought us closer together. Even though from my point of view, as a highly sensitive person, I was thinking I’m moving away from my partner. I’m actually diverging from my partner and. I was worried that this is going to be it’s not gonna be helping the relationship.

It might actually be hurting it, but my experience was exactly the opposite. It felt like I was reclaiming a piece of myself, like a piece of myself when I was young. I used to study long hours by myself and I loved school and and it felt like I was going back and finding that part of myself that, and giving myself permission to do that.

So why do we as HSPs struggle to carve out space in relationships? This doesn’t have to be romantic relationships. It can be in friendships, it can even be in professional relationships. We as HSPs tend to merge easily with other people especially if they’re close relationships and we’re able to almost become my experience of it is become almost transparent, become almost invisible, and make it much about the other person or about the US in between us.

That the eye inside of me becomes non-existent or becomes very pushed to the side or not paid attention to. Now, this is not a bad thing. It’s actually a skill and it’s actually one of my greatest skills. I love that. I use that all the time in being able to connect with people, to be able to understand people, to listen to people.

My whole job as a facilitator. Is holding the space for people as they do inner work. And this is a huge skill, so I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but there’s always a balance in everything. And in this case, not saying no from time to the other person or to the relationship can mean that you’re saying no to yourself and that actually.

Does, it does a disservice to the relationship because now I’m not as fully engaged in it. I’m there, I’m showing up, I’m clocking in on the time clock, but there’s a part of me emotionally that’s holding back. So when we deprioritize our own passions or our own interests and retreat from what we might call selfish pursuits to keep harmony it’s.

On the one hand, totally natural, totally good and a helpful thing for relationships. And on the other hand, if taken to the extreme can actually reduce the connection in a relationship. So always there’s a sweet spot. I find. It’s not just oh, always say no, I wouldn’t give a very good relationship either.

But it’s not always say yes. ’cause that doesn’t give a good relationship. So it’s. Paying attention to that subtle feeling inside that intuition that we as HSPs have so strongly and listening to it like, this is where I want to go and move in my own direction. Or this is where I’d like to not worry about my interests, and let’s put the interest of the relationship higher and this ability to change and adapt and listen.

Is something that can make the relationship become very intimate, very alive, and can bring your whole heart and emotion into the relationship instead of just your, physical presence.

So what I noticed as I did begin to study French. Was that my energy changed, my mood improved. There was like an excitement in me, like a little kid’s excitement. And as I started becoming better at it, I started seeing my progress. A certain kind of confidence came in, and this was a new element in a relationship because my confidence can sometimes be a little less in certain situations.

Especially around someone who’s a, has a stronger kind of more outward personality than me. And so I started, I felt like I was starting to grow up a little bit, like starting to become like a little adult, if you will. Because sometimes I think of myself as a kid sometimes, and I started to feel like I can do things that I want to do.

And this has morphed into other things. Like I started. Doing some lifting some weights, which was something that my partner’s not into. I started doing other things that he might look out at me and say, why are you bothering or might even discourage me. And this confidence is what I’m saying is starting to grow inside of me.

That I’m starting to take bigger steps and bigger steps. And that’s how I feel like I’m coming into the relationship and more importantly, into the relationship with myself. More than I ever have in my life. So the feeling I’m left with today is that the deepest level of connection happens when I bring what’s real inside of me out to be seen by others.

And this is different from an empathetic kind of connection where, which is also real and also valuable. But it’s a more one-sided thing where I’m holding the space for someone else and I’m more transparent. The feeling that I’m getting from this kind of connection that I’ve been talking about today is I’m showing up, I’m showing my location, I’m entering into the dialogue or into the relationship in a new way.

So in this episode, we looked at why always saying yes, makes relationships feel shallow and stressful, or can, and the main idea is that if I’m only saying yes without reference to myself, then I’m not actually participating as fully in the relationship. And as a result, it may feel a little empty.

And we looked at how carving out time for your own joy, your own needs, even your own solitude. Can deepen connection with another person, whether it’s in a intimate relationship, whether it’s with a friend, whether it’s with a colleague. This deepening of connection happens when I participate more, when I show what I’m actually interested in.

And finally, we didn’t talk about this, but I’m glad. I’m reminded just now that there is a way to. Go into this so that you don’t feel guilt, so that you don’t feel stressed. And the way that I use constantly, pretty much every day is the work of Byron Katie. And it’s a way of questioning the thoughts that I have.

So I looked at thoughts like, he’s not gonna like it if I take time for myself. And I questioned those and gave myself time to fully explore all sides of that. It helped to loosen the stress the rigidity or the fear that I was having. So thanks for listening. It’s always great to explore with you.

This podcast comes out three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Join me next time for Self-Compassion Wednesdays, where we dive deeper into understanding ourselves as highly sensitive people by exploring the unique traits that shape our experience.

Tired of feeling overwhelmed by everything all at once. Take the HSP stress test@trueinnerfreedom.com. You’ll also find a link in the show notes. The test will reveal your unique sensitivity profile. Including how your nervous system naturally responds to stimulation, emotions, social energy, and more.

You’ll also gain a clearer picture of how stress might be amplifying that sensitivity. Take the HSP stress test now. It’s a powerful first step on your journey to true inner freedom.