Why You Know You Need Boundaries but Still Can't Hold Them as a Highly Sensitive Person

 By the end of this episode, you’ll understand why boundaries can be so hard to hold as a highly sensitive person, and what becomes possible when you stop treating this as a willpower problem. In this episode, you’ll discover why learning about boundaries often doesn’t solve the problem for highly sensitive people, what keeps pulling you back towards accommodation, self-doubt, and people-pleasing even when you know better, and why boundaries can start feeling easier when you begin questioning the beliefs underneath them.

This is an edition of Breakthrough Mondays, where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the path towards inner freedom. Have you ever set a boundary and felt completely clear about it, and then watched yourself back away from it anyway? Maybe you said yes when you wanted to say no, or maybe you explained your boundary three different times, hoping that the other person would approve.

Or maybe you held the boundary for a day or a week and then quietly abandoned it. And afterward, the frustration wasn’t just about the situation, it was about yourself. Because you know better. You’ve read the books. You’ve listened to the podcast. You’ve learned about people-pleasing. You’ve learned about boundaries.

And yet, there you were again

So this is an experience that happens over and over for many of us as highly sensitive people. We set a boundary, we feel clear, but we back away from it anyway, and then we feel frustrated at ourselves because we know about boundaries, but we can’t consistently hold them. And then what happens is it leads to a kind of shame, like a kind of– We look down on ourselves in a way, and there’s a self-doubt that comes in.

Or even it can go as far as feeling broken or feeling stuck despite whatever growth we may actually be making The problem isn’t a lack of knowledge. The problem is inconsistency in real life, putting it into practice. And often we can see the pattern very clearly. We often know it while it’s happening.

In the moment, we can even see it, and yet at the same time, while seeing it, we can’t act on it. This has been a lifetime time experience of mine, like being able to see exactly what I should be doing what is called for in this situation, what would leave me feeling so much better if I could somehow do it, and yet I can’t do it.

So this kind of thing can really r- reduce your confidence over time

So the pattern underneath this is we often think the pattern is, “I need stronger boundaries.” That’s the first thought that comes. “Okay, I need to have even… I’m gonna try even harder this time to hold my no or to say my no. I’m gonna be more direct. I’m gonna be more adamant about it. I’m gonna think of strategies to be more clear about my boundaries or to urge myself to actually ask for what I want.”

And this is, this may have some part in it, but often there’s a deeper explanation that is even more important. And that is that the boundary that we set triggers a kind of discomfort inside of ourselves. And so what happens is we notice other people’s disappointment, or we notice in advance that they will be disappointed, and then we freeze up.

Or we notice that they’re gonna be frustrated by us holding a boundary, and we don’t go there. Or we notice a kind of tension that this is gonna happen as a result. And so being aware of this as highly sensitive people, we want to avoid it. And so we end up adjusting our boundary and trying to avoid the feeling of discomfort.

So the key insight here is not, it’s not the managing of the boundary that is primary, it’s the managing of the discomfort that is driving this. And when we can see this, then it adds another approach to how we can work with boundaries If you think about what it means to be a highly sensitive person, it’s been studied, and some of the characteristics that come along with this trait are a desire for connection.

We love connection. We love deep connection and real connection. We love harmony. We be- can sometimes become intolerant of disharmony. In fact, we don’t do as well in a disharmonious situation. We value relationships. They’re important to us because we’re naturally empathetic, and we naturally are drawn, again, to that desire to connect with people And so as a result, the mind can start negotiating with itself and it can start saying okay, I want this boundary, but I also want connection.

I want this boundary, but I also need harmony.” And so as a result, it can start getting confusing inside and we can start to think “Okay, maybe holding this boundary is too harsh,” or, “Maybe I need to just soften it somehow. And maybe I misunderstood something. Maybe there’s a way to do this without actually holding a boundary.”

And so we look for ways that we could soften things or avoid actually holding that boundary. Or you can think, start thinking, “Maybe I should make an exception. Oh, yeah, I will generally want to hold this boundary but, ah, this is a little bit different, so I’m gonna make the exception.” And, or, “Maybe I should just help out with the other person, and what are their needs?”

“Oh, why should I think about myself when they have needs too? That’s not fair.” This is the kind of thinking that can start to happen inside of us as highly sensitive people due to our interest in connection and harmony and our natural empathy towards other people. So these are reasonable thoughts, but what happens is these thoughts become escape routes.

They become… We use a logic that makes a certain amount of sense, “Oh, they have needs too,” and we use that logic to escape from doing something that is hard to do, which is to show ourselves vulnerably, which is what holding a boundary actually is, like holding, saying, “This is where I stand. This is my opinion.

This is what I like. This is what I don’t like. This is who I am. Hello, I’m here in the room.” And so w- we use these other natural natural aspects of ourselves, which are great, to end up avoiding doing something that is actually important So there’s a cost to this. What happens is we wanna create a boundary, but then we say yes anyway.

We’re gonna say no, then we say yes anyway. Then we feel resentment, then we promise ourselves that we’ll change, and then we repeat the cycle. So the consequence is that shame starts accumulating. We start feeling bad about ourselves. We feel like, “I can never do this. I’ll never get it right. I can never actually hold a boundary or ask for what I want or say no to somebody.”

And so we start doubting ourselves and thinking, “Why can’t I do this? Why is this so hard? What is wrong with me?” And so it comes down to this. We start really judging ourselves as doing something wrong and that there’s something wrong with us that we can’t do this and this can lead to a downward spiral So let’s look at the common beliefs that are running when you’re holding a boundary, and then you may start to want to not hold that boundary anymore.

So beliefs that often show up are things like this. If they’re upset, then I’ve done something wrong. If I disappoint someone, then I’m selfish. It means I put my needs ahead of theirs. That’s selfish. If I hold a boundary, then I might lose the relationship. So you can see how much fear is going into these beliefs.

Fear and judgment and putting ourselves last. And so when we start to put ourselves ahead a little bit, then we come up against these beliefs that actually will stop us every time. And if you look a little deeper, these are the sort of the superficial beliefs. The deeper beliefs are that I need them to approve of me.

I need them to understand what I’m saying. Then I need them to a- actually agree with my boundary. That’s the kind of thought that will stop me. I can remember in different times saying no to people, especially in relationship type things where… or even a breakup, where I was so focused on making sure they would be okay with it, that it almost prevented me from doing what I needed to do.

And so this is what can happen. I need them to agree with my no. I need them to like it. And that’s almost impossible. I’m telling someone, “No, I don’t wanna be in a relationship with you anymore,” and I want them to like it, right? That’s the kind of trap that we can get caught into. And if you look at it closely, this is a belief.

This is a thought that I’ve gotten attached to, and it’s based in fear that I don’t want them to not like me. So that’s another one. I still want them to like me. I want them to be okay with this new direction that I’m bringing up And so what happens in all of these beliefs is that we become dependent on the other person’s re-reaction.

We are– cannot move forward unless they’re okay with it. And so we’ve put all of our weight, all of our like the decision on them, and if they are good with it, then great. I’m so glad I brought that boundary up. But if they aren’t good with it, then oh my gosh, maybe I better rethink that boundary. Maybe I shouldn’t do it.

And so that’s what happens. Our dependence is on them for their approval and their reaction So this pattern is really good to see, but the pattern itself and recognizing this pattern is not enough to actually shift the behavior. We have to go further. We have to look at what’s actually going on inside of me.

And when you look, you’ll find that there’s a part of you that is afraid. There’s a part of you that is feeling stressed and emotional on the inside, and that part needs to be met with understanding. It needs to be held, it needs to be heard, it needs to be worked with. That part, it’s like a little child.

It has to get it, and unless it gets it, I don’t care how many books you’ve read, I don’t care how many workshops you’ve been to or how many podcasts you’ve listened to. In the end, that little childish part is gonna go, “Nope, can’t do that,” and it drives the ship. So unless it can get clearer, unless it can see something new, you’re gonna continue the same pattern again and again So that part is the part that wants approval.

That’s the part that needs safety. That’s the part that wants connection and wants reassurance. And so when you start paying attention to that part, first of all it can be very relieving to even notice and give some attention to that part itself. But that just because it’s emotional and just because it’s immature it has something important, but it also ha- like it has to be listened to and given understanding and love, but its direction is usually off, and that’s what needs to get figured out.

But again, you can’t figure it out from an intellectual level. You have to get down on the level of the child and speak to it like a child and get it to do the steps until it sees it, and then it’s like it wakes up and it goes, “Oh, wow, I could do this?” And then that’s when things start to change. Normally, people usually just obey that emotional part because it’s a tyrant.

If a three-year-old or two-year-old has its way in the house, it can just throw its weight in every direction. And if there’s no balance there, because it’s loud and crying and annoying, you may end up catering to its desires. So people often either obey that part or they do the opposite, they try to fight that part, which is like, “Hey, no, don’t listen to that,” “Shut up,” and we end up putting down that emotional part inside of ourselves, and that’s also still not it.

That’s still not freedom because what we’re doing is we are trying to either go along with or change that part. What actually needs to be done is to meet that part on its own level and see what it actually is trying to say and listen to it and let it reason its way through to a place where it actually feels that it can move in a different direction.

That’s very different than trying to change it from the outside. So real change doesn’t come through more information, and real change does not come through more willpower. You can’t just force yourself to, to just get over it. Just come on, just hold your boundaries. Like you can’t do that because this part inside, this emotional part, is strong.

Instead, if you stay with that fearful part, if you listen to that fearful part, and if you allow it to question its own beliefs from inside the experience, then that’s when something new can begin to emerge It’s if you had a fear of flying, for example. Knowing, understanding doesn’t actually change the fear.

You may understand that flying is safe. You may have read books about it. Your nervous system, though, still reacts like from a primal level, and so that’s what prevents you from being able to get onto an airplane. So it’s the same thing with a boundary. You may know that boundaries are healthy, they’re good, they keep relationships healthy.

You want all that, but this primal fear still believes that danger exists. And until that is met and understood and worked with on that primal level, then the behavior will just continue and continue, no matter how much understanding you have. Understanding and freedom are not the same thing So the original assumption is that a boundary problem is a willpower problem.

I need to just try harder. And the problem with that is that it’s not necessarily a very effective way of doing it. You might get through sometimes by overpowering, but your heart rate is gonna go through the ceiling. It’s gonna be problematic, and you will probably not do it on an ongoing basis. So force doesn’t work very well.

A newer understanding is that a boundary problem is basically a fearful part inside of you still believing that approval

is necessary for safety. And when that gets addressed on a, on an experiential level, then there… When that gets seen through, when that shifts on the primal level, then the same issue of putting a boundary up becomes a much less stressful situation. You may still not be used to it. You may still have a little r- intimidation from it, but the main fear is not there because you get it on an experiential level So the main thing is that understanding the belief and being free of the belief are not the same thing.

In order to be free of a belief, you have to do some inner work, which means getting that stuck part, that emotional part, to do its work and to find its new way of seeing it So if you’re tired of knowing exactly what boundary you need to set and then you end up backing away from it anyway, and you don’t wanna keep getting pulled into this accommodation and people pleasing that may have been a habit for many years or even a lifetime, and what you really want is to stay grounded in what’s true for you even when someone else doesn’t like it.

If this is the case, then this is the kind of inner work that I explore regularly with my one-on-one clients. Most people I work with already understand what’s happening. They have a clear understanding. Most of us HSPs do. The challenge is that understanding something and being free of it are not the same thing.

So what we do is we look at specific moments where this came up, and we slow the moment down, and we meet the fearful part, and we explore the beliefs it’s holding. We give it space to exist instead of trying to push it away. And then we allow that same stressed, fearful part to find its own way through something and to start to see what it wasn’t seeing before.

And when this happens, what I experience again and again in my own practice, my own– for my own– with my own work, inner work and with clients, is that something internally starts to soften, starts to release, and the… what was challenging and required force before no longer requires force. It’s natural and much easier.

You don’t need stronger willpower. You need to help the part of you that’s afraid to discover that it’s actually safe. So if you’re ready to shift this pattern, go to the show notes and click on the first link you find, or go to trueinnerfreedom.com/working-together.